Mom and Dad prefer that I remain their caretaker as opposed to hiring staff from the senior community home. They need about 40 hours a week and I am happy to do so but cannot work an outside job as well. There are funds to pay for this help and Mom and Dad agree I should be paid whatever the facility would charge. I've agreed to less pay and more help. Siblings are very upset at this arrangement although I've done it for free for a year and a half and lost substantial income during this time and have held out that my time has value and I'm doing it alone and deserve to be paid. This doesn't mean I don't love them and wouldn't do whatever is necessary but I'm beginning to feel resentful to others who could help but choose not to.
These siblings have already grouched and said pay a stranger but not you.
This would be a nightmare for the OP.
NO ONE should have to give up their financial security because of greedy siblings.
Quite frankly if the parents want to hire their daughter it is no ones business, not even the siblings.
When both of your parents have passed, you can list this as a job.
1). Draw up a Caregiver Contract.
2). Appropriate pay AND make it legal take out taxes. (if this is for their care there is a good possibility that this can be deducted on their taxes as a medical expense so check with the person that does your/their taxes)
3). Spell out EXACTLY what you will do for them.
4). Set a reasonable "reevaluation" schedule. You do not want to have the same contract with the same pay and hours if they have a major medical change. 6 months might be good. At the end of each 6 months you can sign a new contract with any changes in hours, pay OR you can elect to discontinue as their caregiver and someone else would have to take over, either a sibling or an agency or appropriate placement .
5). Make sure that they, your parents, have appropriate insurance so if you become injured the insurance will cover.
6). Keep accurate time that you actually spend doing their care. I think you will find that you spend more than 40 hours a week doing what you do for them.
You can figure out how much you should be paid if you call around to several agencies and ask what they charge for a caregiver. Not one that is certified as a CNA.
Also if your parents take any medication a caregiver from an agency is not allowed to administer medication. They can hand it to the person in a cup but they can not physically help them take it, nor can they crush it into a food. You would have to pay for a nurse to so that. So if you administer medication increase what you are getting paid to compensate for what an agency would charge for a nurse. If you do any hands on of changing briefs, pull ups or other things a CNA would do increase what you are charging to what the agency would charge for a CNA. Ask when you call around for prices what a Caregiver does and what they get paid. what a CNA does and what they get paid and what a Nurse does and what they get paid.
I think you and your siblings would be surprised at the costs involved.
This is a wonderful response, thank you so much for being very informative, this helps others too😊
Bless you!
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I would ask your siblings "which one of you can come and help so you can work at least part-time?" If they don't want to be involved or can't financially, then ignore them.
Perhaps your parents can make it clear to your siblings that this is there choice and none of their business what you are paid. My siblings didn't know the financial arrangement.
When you need a break, and you will, which one of the siblings is going to come and fill in? Who is going to take care of them when it's their turn? Do they want family or strangers to care for them when their older?
Most people don't know how the caretakers system works. You're never guaranteed the same person; you don't always get the person you want; the cost is very high with care being devoid of the love and caring that you have for your parents. Finding a wonderful caregiver is no easy task. We tried it for a short while but my parents had young ladies who either didn't socialize with them or talked too much about their lives.
A family caregiver like you, is a blessing! God shines on those who love and care for their parents.
i left my job to be my mother’s caregiver 24/7 she lives with me how many hours is that! I receive nothing! Either I pay a stranger or do it myself but I would have to return the money after death. I don’t really get it. But she is my mother and I am an only child. I guess this is my burden in life.
As suggested, have the parents draw up a caregiving contract including compensation provisions. I can't figure out why siblings would expect this writer to do all that for nothing. Would they do it for nothing? Don't feel guilty. Parents are on board with this and sound realistic. They should tell the other kids that this is their decision.
If the current DPOA doesn't address being paid, fine line for POA responsibilities and caregiver, not really but a determined , angry sibling with a scuzzy attorney can blur the truth, then an attorney needs to draw up both to ensure that the POA is protected in the event a sibling cries foul after death.
Greed like this makes my blood boil. It's your parent's money and they want to pay YOU. End of story right there. But the truth is you will be doing WORK, lots of it, and you deserve to be paid!
Good luck, and let us know what your siblings say when you call them out on their greed and lack of involvement.
This is none of sibs business. Get this negotiated for the same amount an outside caregiver would be paid, and don't forget to get overtime rate in there. Get the contract in place working with an elder law attorney to make sure everything is legal. Folks are competent I assume. If not a geriatric care manager or the Area Agency on Aging can help with an assessment of their needs and what is common for payment.
A few very short years later my own father called me to help him and his rotten wife. Luckily I meet a wonderful lady who owns her own home on a lake and we moved in with her. Meanwhile my own family has lived elsewhere contributing relatively nothing. Of course I obliged dad and his wife passed away a few years later, but I'm still the primary care giver for dad minus any financial help and little to nothing coming my way from my brother and sisters.
Yes, life stinks in that respect, but he's still my father and still thinks of me, the youngest as his personal servant, but I made the commitment to the old man with no plans to ever give up on the man I've had a love/hate relationship with for the better part of 60 years now. Dad is 91 going on 150 and his ways have consistently put my relationship with my significant other on the line on a daily basis with endless disagreements over the most mundane things. Still, family offers little to nothing. Life stinks and yet I still love the old man.
What can I tell you that would make life easier other than the satisfaction of knowing you're the bigger person in it all? Nothing really, but it is what it is.
We still love each other despite the arguments and I often wonder why she even so much as puts up with us (dad and myself), but she does and has earned my unflinching respect and love.
The best I can tell you is that you are not getting one day younger yourself and someday you may require the same kind of care yourself so hang in there and hope that somebody someday will have the same fortitude you've displayed annd if not then well, life indeed does stink, but you'll be able to go to your own grave with the knowledge that you never balked while everyone else did. Hold your head high and never forget the person you have been. The rest will never be able to make such lofty claims even if they try to do exactly that. If I had to make a prediction I'd probably predict that you'll always be able to say you always did the right thing with no regrets.
Personally I believe we deserve to be paid, but life isn't heading in that direction. The ONLY hold I have at this point is dad's house names me as the executor of his estate and his house we rent out so I inherit that, but I also know that one of my siblings would be more than willing to take him in his last year(s) and inherit the place at the last minute. Fun, huh?
I don’t understand why siblings still object. It is totally unfair to expect you to do work for free that they are willing to pay a stranger to do. Especially when your parents want you to do it instead of a stranger. How infuriating ! It sounds like you have figured this out reasonably and factually. All the key players are in agreement, ie you and your two parents. You don’t need other siblings’ approval. Do it.
Some of the legal technicalities ought to be in writing, as others here have suggested. If one of your siblings (or any combo of them) were willing to do this same work for less money, then that would be a legitimate reason for them to to object. As it is, they are not offering anything better. Your time and energy is just as important as anyone else’s. Maybe in past generations, someone sacrificed their personal finances to be a family caretaker. But times have changed. I applaud you for standing up to these family members who want to take advantage of you.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/how-to-get-paid-for-being-a-caregiver-135476.htm which also has a link to a template for a caregiving contract (which I haven't actually used, but it looks like it covers what's necessary).
The answer to your question of whether the rate for family-pay should be the same as for stranger-pay is that generally family-pay should, at most, not exceed the rate for stranger-pay (and certainly not if there's any chance of needing Medicaid assistance in the future). Whether the rate for family-pay should be less than for stranger-pay I think depends on the many family issues that others have already mentioned, including fairness to your own short and long-term well-being. That said, I know firsthand that being fair to yourself and your spouse when caring for a parent is easier said than done, but, as the old saying goes, "Do as I say, not as I do."
Kudos to you for providing care for your parents and kudos to your parents for recognizing they should pay you. Sounds like they are good parents who raised you well -- but I'm left wondering how your siblings got messed up.
Don't forget to have a plan for respite breaks and vacation time, it may be worthwhile to have an outsider come in once a week so that everyone is familiar with each other when you need time off.
There's many, many stories here about people taking care of their parents and then having nothing left by the time the parent dies or has to be placed. They're drained physically, emotionally and financially. And these are from people who gladly took on full time caregiving!
If you wind up caregiving for 10 years, you will be 10 years behind your peers when you go back into the work force, and 10 years older. You may very well need to start over, career-wise. Can you feasibly do that? Even if you get a basic job that pays the bills, what about your own old age and retirement?
It also sounds like the sibling issues are already a problem. Your getting paid by the folks can make this much, much worse.
Would they prefer to pay outsiders?
Would they be happier to do it themselves without charging?
Do they suppose you can live on love and fresh air?
What do they think would be the best arrangement?
Be business-like about this and, with your parents, draw up a proper caregiving contract. If you can't easily find a template for doing this, I'm sure forum members will be happy to point you in the right direction - it's important that it's realistic both about your parents' needs and about what you are actually able to do.
So how many hours will you be caregiving? Will the pay be sufficient for you? What about benefits? You would get benefits at an outside job. Will your parents take out taxes for you, or will it all be under the table?
Your siblings are selfish. They don't want you cutting into their inheritance, right? Would they care if your parents hire outside caretakers?
If you have lost substantial income during the past year and a half, I'd say your parents owe you from that time. The upset siblings -- are any of them willing to pitch in? Why are they so upset that you are getting paid instead of an outsider?
Where are you in the sibling hierarchy? Are you the oldest? Who has their POA? HCPOA? Who is their executor (estate) or successor trustee (trust)?
I hope you'll get some answers from someone who has actually done this.