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If they haven’t ever been your mom’s caregiver, then they absolutely don’t realize what you are dealing with.

The truth is that they aren’t interested in helping out in any way. That situation isn’t likely to change. I suppose they find it difficult to be around your mother.

Look to other ‘hands on’ caregivers for support instead of your siblings.

If you choose to have a relationship with them and would rather be alone without your mom, then don’t tell your mom that you are meeting with them. You deserve to have a break sometimes.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Hi EN,

I do understand. Sometimes it's just more work to plan everything around mom just to have a bit of time away. However, it is essential for your mental and physical health. I always had to give some "good reasons" to my mom when I had to leave home.

Here are a few suggestions. Tell your mom:

--I have an eye doctor appointment. I'll be gone till___. They are going to dilate my eyes so I have to stay for 3 -4 hours before I can see well again in order to drive back.

--I have to work today. Rush/special project.

--Required training class to keep my credential current. I'll be gone for half/whole day.

--I need to take the car in for repair. (After a few hours, call mom back.) Car still in the shop, waiting for some hard to find parts. Will be back around _____ pm.

--(Give some excuse to leave the house. After awhile, call mom back) I have a flat tire or my car broke down. Waiting for a tow truck and take it to a shop. Probably will be back by ______ pm.

Good luck EN. Please take your much needed breaks. Mom needs to get used to being by herself as long as she's till with it mentally.
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In your shoes, I think I would go hang out with my siblings, just tell mom you're doing something else. Make something up. I routinely say I have an appointment, lots of errands, car needs servicing. If mom's not safe alone hire a caregiver. There are many ways to visit people without mom. You seem like an honest and caring daughter. Do this for you. Your mom will be fine.
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Tonight is a perfect example of what happens. It was my sister's birthday so we went up to her house to get her, than another half hour to get my brother and we went out to eat. Things seem to be going fine until we drop my brother off. Then my mom starts talking about my brother and how worried she is about him and my sister jumps in and starts telling my mom how she talks negatively about everyone then the two of them are off on a meaningless argument that won't change anything and to me, just seems pointless. At this point, I try to stay out of their arguments and I just stare out the car window waiting for it to end. Cue an awkward hour ride back to my sister's house and awkward goodbye. Mom barely said a word the whole ride home, which is fine, but means that she's storing it up to be upset about later. This is how it goes at least fifty percent of the time when we get together.
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tygrlly1 Feb 2023
Consider an adult day center. Sounds like she expects you to be her endless and only source of socialization and entertainment. Lots of people there to talk nonstop and commiserate with and you can get much needed breathers … I was in same boat for over 15 years It will break you
my brother still does nothing to help but I have forgiven mom as a gift.
to myself. You can be proud of what you are doing, as hard as it is. Prayers.
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Your siblings don't want to deal with your reality, which is why they aren't. They DO get it, which is precisely why they are doing nothing to help you. They've made their choice, as you've made yours, to care for mom, on HER TERMS 24/7.

The question is, when do YOU get to do some activities YOU want to do w/o mom hanging on your ankle like an anchor? Even married couples have individual hobbies and friends they see w/o the spouse tagging along. It's known as autonomy, which you've given up entirely in an effort to appease mom.

Look into all the available resources you can use for sitters, caregivers, adult daycare, respite care, etc. Even if mom doesn't want any of it, don't give her a choice. Indentured servitude is not a part of the agreement you made to care for her, nor is it necessary or healthy for either of you.

Once you agree to caring for yourself here too, maybe then you can change your username to EmotionallyJoyful. That is my wish for you.

Good luck to you
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Do you really have to tell mom that you're going to see them? It's called a "therapeutic lie" when you say you're going to a church meeting, participating in a bird count, or to see a friend in the hospital. No one feels comfortable about this, but sometimes it's the only way to save your sanity.
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EmotionallyNumb Feb 2023
They both live over an hour away, I guess I'm so used to bringing her with me places that I'd have to come up with quite a story to get away for long enough to go see one of them and the drive.
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It shouldn't be too difficult to explain to brother and sister as you explained it to us.
It may be time to consider whether or not you wish to/are capable of keeping Mom at home and still having for yourself any life at all. Just to consider it.
For now, and as to others, tell them what you have told us. To me it seems clear enough what you are saying. Then the decision whether to have you visit or not is up to them.
I sure wish you luck.
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Get a Caregiver. (mom pays for caregivers from her assets)
This will give you a break as well as mom a break from you. Getting a caregiver is a nonnegotiable thing. No one person can be a 24/7/365 caregiver.
If there is an Adult Day care in your area get mom involved in that.
You do not mention a diagnosis in your profile but I am guessing dementia from your question.
Caring for someone with dementia is difficult. And it gets more difficult as the person declines.
As she declines you will need more help.
And at some point you may not be able to continue to SAFELY care for her at home.
Just as your brother and sister both got Babysitters when they wanted to go out you can get a caregiver to stay with mom while you go out.
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How about both brother and sister do the trip, and meet you locally for lunch or coffee and chat. Then they could do a quick visit to M afterwards?
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EmotionallyNumb Feb 2023
My brother doesn't drive and my sister comes to my house occasionally. But if mom knows that we went out to eat without her, she's likely to feel offended.
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