Hello Fellow Caregivers!
I have posted on this forum (under different usernames, as I can never remember what I use) and have been reading this forum for many years. Many times just for support in knowing we’re not alone. Many of you have been so helpful and supportive.
Today I come to you with a question! What are your thoughts on caring for a MIL who has been nothing but nasty and berating to you your entire marriage if you didn’t play puppet in her little games?
Below is some of the back story.
I don’t not like my MIL, but I don’t not like her. Make sense? She can be “okay” but only sometimes. She’s mostly impossible and difficult to deal with. Always has been, but obviously has gotten worse with age.
She is very sick, end of life and lives alone. I’m not a doctor but I don’t see her living to 2023. She has no other family except her son as no one else will talk to her due to her verbal, emotional and mental abuse over the years.
I do her for shopping, cleaning, cooking and laundry when I can.
She wants me to be her primary caregiver as her son cannot care for her in the way she needs. I understand that.
I refuse to be her primary caregiver and have told her this many times over the years. It’s not for me! No shame for me in that.
The truth is, if she was a nice woman to me all these years, I would be doing a lot more. I have forgiven but I did not forget how she made all these lies up and told my husband not to marry me many years ago a few months before our wedding.
Now that her time has come, she wants my help. The DIL she didn’t want her son to marry in the first place.
Would you help her? Would you help an in-law who has verbally, mentally and emotionally abused you for years?
So this is a little hypocritical. My mother was hard & critical with her mouth. She told me she knew my 2 brothers would be the ones taking care of her. Well, my baby brother suddenly died in front of us in 2019 & my older brother vowed to never care for her. At 57 my mom was diagnosed with Dementia my brothers death made her decline badly. Since caring for her she has punched me in the face, and fought me while driving. Despite all of that it is my honor to care for my mom. I can't explain it to you but it is. Well my MIL see how I take care of my mom and she said I know you would care for me too. ABSOLUTELY NOT! First of all, she is narcissistic. None of her grandchildren or nephews have invited her to a wedding or graduation because of her episodes. Secondly, she has always been so ugly toward me, My husband can literally curse her out (I would never do that to my mom or MIL) and she MIL will blame me. She asked me to have a gathering for her family at my house. I said no because I wasn't feeling well. Her family came anyway then an hour later she arrives. She has never had any respect and I unapologetic will not care for her. I didn't tell her that....I figure I will let her perfect son break it to her when its time. To the Moon Alice....I meant MIL!
However, sometimes God will humble the person that has to depend on your care. I don't know if that's your case. I wouldn't care about the past only the present. If my MIL changes (but she cant she is a narcissist) I would definitely take care of her despite past problems. I cared for her early in my marriage but its a no for me now.
However, it is more important for you to be mentally well. No one can tell another person what they can handle. I used to think it was cruel to put your family in a home. I have still chosen not to put my mom in a home though she can get violent but I understand now another persons reality.
Take care of 2 things: your spirit and your mind and then the decision should come easier.
I think when it becomes clear that a family member is going to need real nursing care, that the loved one and the family tries to avoid that by getting a family member to step in.
That's okay, but YOU are not the solution for this problem. She and they have the ability and responsibility to figure it out.
you seem to do enough, if she is end of life best to get a skilled nurse to assist.
You're asking if any of us would become her primary caregiver when there is a history of verbal, mental, and emotional abuse?
I can only speak for myself and my answer to that question is a hard 'NO'. I would not allow myself to become enslaved to caregiving for a person who does not respect me and who doesn't even like me. I already did that with my mother. I won't do it again.
I would not die on Caregiver Hill for that person. No way. I truly hope you don't either.
You've ever heard the passage, 'You reap what you sow'? It's true. Your MIL planted the seeds of resentment, disrespect, and nastiness when her son first brought you on the scene. Well, now her harvest has come in and too bad for her.
Don't help her anymore than what you're already doing for her. The cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping is more than she deserves from you. If she decides to behave abusively to you, then stop even doing that.
As for her son your husband not being able to care for her in the ways she needs, here's my advice for him. One word.
LEARN.
Yes, learn. If he can wipe his own a$$ he can wipe someone else's. If he can take a shower and wash himself up, he can do it for mother too. Learn.
Or hire caregivers to take care of his mother.
If so Hospice can provide some help.
You would have a Nurse that would come in each week, more often if necessary.
A CNA that would be there at least 2 times a week to give MIL a bath, shower or at least a bed bath if the shower or bath is unsafe.
AND you would have a Social Worker assigned that might be able to help you to get more help (did that sound right, sounds convoluted...)
AND one of the advantages of Hospice is they can find a Volunteer that can come in and either sit with her while you run out for a few hours or they can do some light housework or even run the errands for you.
AND...this is a good one...Medicare, Medicaid and most insurance will COVER respite care for a person on Hospice. It is almost 1 week of respite care each year. That amount of time can be a life saver.
Another advantage is if MIL is uncomfortable, gets agitated is in pain or symptoms are unmanageable at home the Hospice can have her transferred to the Hospice Inpatient Unit for symptom or pain management.
So if she is on Hospice talk to the Nurse or Social Worker about what option you might have.
And I would stop cooking, cleaning & everything else too. This week.
Not to be spiteful, revengeful. But for common sense.
If MIL needs all this done for her, she needs to move into a care setting.
I do get the 'put others first, forgive, take the higher ground' etc. But..
I LOVE the book & film Jane Eyre. Jane is summoned to attend her dying aunt Mrs Reed. Her very abusive aunt that made Jane's childhood hell & withdrew any opportunity that could have helped her. Jane does go because she thought she should take the moral higher ground. Although she finds she has forgiven her Aunt, the Aunt still hates her with a passion. There will be no deathbed apology. I always was so angry for Jane. That she deserved one & was cheated.
But it was not given. The aunt died bitter till the end.
lt taught me this.
Go help if you want - for your OWN reasons.
Do not ever go to help as an empty cup, awaiting apologies, praise or gratitude to be poured in. This is a false hope & will leave you emptier than before. Still empty + cheated.
Not saying leave to MIL to stave in her home. I would wash the teacups. I'll explain.. I would help by *friendly visiting* only. Bring biscuits & have a cuppa. Advise her to seek help, home help, NH or hospice services via her doctor. Wash the cups & leave. There are those when you wash a cup, say thank you. Then there are those who you wash a cup & you get, dry it like that, put it there, now clean all that up, take out my rubbish, sweep, shop, drive, pay, on & on with no end.
No, thank you.
My ex MIL treated me like a piece of dirt under her shoes. For the entire 22 years I was married to her son, who SHE treated like garbage b/c he wasn't the girl she always wanted.
Thru the years she gave us a bunch of things. Antiques, silver, paintings, etc. She gave me personally some items too. Jewelry, a bathrobe, a few other things, nothing much really. What she gave me, more than anything else, was heartburn, a lack of acceptance for who I was as a human being, and lots of judgement. What she should have given me was a gold medal for putting up with her AND her son for 22 years.
When I finally filed for divorce, she sent a letter to me. Demanding all that crap she'd 'given' me over the years BACK! The antiques, the silver, the paintings, etc. Not the personal items, just the 'family heirlooms' that meant so much to the woman who had a heart of coal.
I loaded everything up into the foyer of my house. ALL of it; the silver, the paintings, the antiques AND all the personal items I could find that she'd given me over the years. I called her son. I told him he had exactly 24 hours to come pick up ALL the crap and haul it out of my foyer, or else I'd donate the lot of it to Goodwill.
He made a federal case about it, but by golly, he brought his skinny azz over and hauled it all away with time left over.
There was ONE item I held back: a dress the old crone had made when her first husband died and she was 'celebrating.' It cost her TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS in 1947!!! It was French lace, hand made, in black. With a built in bra to hoist the gigantic girls she had on her chest. I wrapped it up and donated IT to Goodwill. So somebody had a reallllly good day shopping at Goodwill that day, huh? :)
Oh, and here is the piece de resistance: she wound up SELLING all those 'family heirlooms' that were so very important to her at a Sotheby's auction in New York!!!!!!!!! She allowed perfect strangers to pay her for all that stuff that I wasn't allowed to keep! Nice, huh?
I would not help this woman in any way, nor would I hurt her. While I believe in "Christian" Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist and all other types of kindness, I also do not believe in being a doormat for anyone at any time.
Good luck to you.
I told my husband I love him but I after 30 plus years of being together - I love and respect me more then caring for someone who has berated me over the years.
My long answer?
Why would you? I believe in Christian kindness. I don't believe we should only be kind to people who are easy to love. But.........and this is a big but. When being around someone who is impossible to get along with makes you ill, emotionally or physically? No, I don't think you can. I don't think you should.
Case in point. My M I L. From day one I knew she and I were going to have a problem. Her expectations of me as her sons partner were something I could not live up to. When she realized I would not be malleable she became judgemental and critical. Whenever I've tried to meet her halfway she becomes demanding. You give her an inch, she wants a mile.
She doesn't try, does nothing but complain and whine and say she wants to die. She was like this when I first met her over thirty years ago and she is even worse now. I feel physically ill when I'm around her due to the tension that fills my body.
I don't know how you can feel good when you are around such negativity. Is it worth it to you to help out an old lady who has been nothing but unpleasant her whole life and only now when she sees time is running out wants to use you for her own selfish comfort? It's up to you but, and it makes me sad to say this because I do consider myself a kind person, but no, I would not do it.
These old mean seniors with multiple health issues that should have put them in the grave a long time ago just seem to keep on living and making people's lives miserable.
Right now -that distinct honor (sarcasm font) belongs to his daughter - who is essentially trapped for lack of a better word. And we offer respite and help where we can logistically. And that alone taxes every last nerve that I have. My FIL believes that if SIL and BIL were to somehow get up the gumption to move out that WE (DH and I) would move our entire family into his home to care for him.
.....
Sorry... I had to take a moment to catch my breath....just the thought is enough to make my heart race...That is his plan. That is what he believes would happen. That is not that plan. That is not what would happen.
He is an abusive, narcissistic man who believes that the sun and moon were hung just for him. And that if he needs something you'd better darn well get it for him. He is only just now beginning to understand that we are actually directing the word no...at him!
I know my limits. I have quite a bit of patience. But I do not have the patience for that. And I do not have any intention of putting my marriage through that. ESPECIALLY when there are other - much better options available that he just doesn't like.
So that's a hard no. I have helped him within reason for years and I will continue to do so to the best of my ability. But primary caregiver....no.
There will be no deathbed “thank you” or any appreciation from her.
If she wants you to care for her in ways your husband cannot, I assume it’s for bathing, incontinence, or toileting help. Do you really want to do that? I sure as hell wouldn’t! She may not be needing that help yet, but it’s likely to happen near the end.