I don't know what is happening to her. Is her end near? She is 87 years old and 69 pounds suffering from vascular dementia.
On Sept 16th, I told my mom I wouldn't be able to see her for a week and a couple of days because I had to move my 3 kids to college. At that time she was sitting up in her bed, talking like she was normal. (Her normal that is considering she has dementia) She called me in the middle of my move to ask me when I was returning. I reminded her I would be back that next Thursday, Sept 23rd and I would come and see her then. She said she missed me. When I returned I went to visit her. What I saw was suprising to say the least. First day, I found her in her bed, completely out like a light. Couldn't arouse her. Her caregiver said she had been sleeping a lot and eating very little. I was advised she has little bowl movement so the hospice nurse had to stimulate her to have a BM. Her caregiver also told me my mom said she was seeing her deceased brother at her door way of her room and to make sure they kept her door open so he could come in. I sat with her for a couple of hours then left.
The next day I went back and saw her sleeping again. This time I was able to wake her. She was drowsy and told me she was cold and had lower back and leg pain again. She also said she had pain in her groin area. She was extremely weak and had trouble keeping her eyes open. She could no longer sit up. She said she was tired. I asked her if she was eating enough and she told me she was eating a lot even though her caregiver told me otherwise. I asked her about her conversation with her son, my brother last week. She did not remember speaking to him. She became angry and accused the caregiver of not telling her when he called. I also noticed her hospital bed railing was up unlike before and her water cup on her nightstand where she couldn't reach it. She had a hard time having a conversation with me.
The third day when I went to visit her I found her in her bed slouching. She looked at me with complete defeat in her eyes as if she was done living like this. I asked her what she was thinking and she told me nothing. She then said she was asked to go play bingo but she is unable to sit up long enough in her wheel chair to play. She said she has nothing to do except wait to die in her bed. That's when I kind of lost it. I asked her what she wanted me to do with her when she died. Cremation or burial and where since she is from Japan. She said to ask my brother what he wanted to do. My brother has not even made any attempt to see her or helps her in any way financially or emotionally so why should I ask him? She got upset and stopped talking to me.
I feel like no matter what I do, it isn't enough for her. She expects me to be with her 24-7. She said her caregiver isn't spending enough time with her either. I told her her caregiver isn't responsible for baby sitting her and can't stay with her all day as she has other patients and I come when I can. It costs $4500.00 a month for her AL care even with Hospice.. She has 2 months left of her own money to pay for her care then I will have to assume the bill. I can't afford this bill with 4 kids in college and being retired. So now I have to find a job to pay for her care which will keep me from seeing her as often as she would like for me to. When I told her this, she got upset. Every visit seems to be harder and harder for both of us. I feel she would be better off in Heaven without pain and discomfort. Is she heading that way soon? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
I guess I am just venting and if you have read all of this, thanks.
I'm new to this forum. Your Mom does sound miserable. You're not a bad daughter for wanting her to be free from human misery. It's natural. I'm experiencing the same thing only it's my friend from childhood. I just wanted to say it's normal to feel the way you feel. God bless you.
I agree with you 100%; what human being deserves to live like this? With advanced dementia, weighing 69 lbs, and in misery all the time? My mother is 94.5 with advanced dementia and I pray EVERY DAY for God to come take her Home. I look at dad's photo and ask when he is coming to take her to Heaven to be reunited with him? He hasn't told me yet, probably b/c he's not ready for that reunion yet. But I digress.
We can't 'fix' this situation for our mothers, yet they complain that we're not fixing this situation for them. That leaves us between a rock & a hard place and feeling quite frustrated in the process. They're in very bad shape, yet blowing up our phones and expecting blood from us when we don't have extra blood to spare.
My mother's Memory Care bill is $7000 a month and she's 'not ready' for hospice yet; in fact, when I brought it up a few weeks ago, she had a meltdown like no other b/c she's horrified at the thought of dying when she tells me daily how she needs a gun so she can kill herself. Or that she's going to 'run out in the street' so she can get run over and die. She speaks to me like this constantly.
This all takes a huge toll on us while the disease is taking a huge toll on them.
Nobody wins. This is a losing game for all of us. "Wishing our mothers dead" is not exactly what's happening here. We're wishing peace and an end to their suffering, so they can transition to a better place than where they're at now. And so we can stop fighting the losing battle we've been fighting for a long time now. A decade plus for me, I don't know how long it's been for you.
The next step for my mother, when she runs out of money, is a Medicaid bed in a Skilled Nursing Facility with a roommate, which I'm dreading. Plus, I'll be going to Az for a few months in Feb or March so my husband can have a liver transplant, meaning I will be over a thousand miles away from my mother who will blowing up my phone the entire time; I'm an only child. This is stressing me out enormously. So, I am praying to God He takes her Home before we leave for Az. in Feb, and then we can avoid the Medicaid nightmare too.
So, if you are 'wrong' for feeling the way you do, then so am I. But I don't feel we're wrong. When I worked at a Memory Care AL a while back as a receptionist, I met a Catholic Deacon who'd come in on Sunday morning to hand out communion to the residents who wanted it. He told me how his aged mother lived in Memory Care too, and how he prayed daily for God to take her. He smiled broadly when he said those words. He let me know that it is a gift to die; to go back Home to God, where she belongs. Right then I knew that my prayers were valid and not based on hatefulness or anything 'bad'. Neither are yours.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation and moreover, a peaceful transition for your mother.
As BC stated, you do NOT have to take over paying her bills and I strongly counsel you NOT to do so. Let AL know she only has X dollars left and what do they suggest? They will help you. If she has to go to a nursing home, so be it. Not the best to have to move her, etc. but end-of-life issues and solutions are not always that great.
Please don't worry and think that you will be responsible to pay for her care because that isn't going to happen.