I've been accused of stealing from my dad, but I'm not. What can I do?

That is tough and you need a good software system or hire a property manager.

How do you manage to staple this to that and document this here and that there when your mother's 'holdings' include a network of rent houses that require frequent fixing and services, from plumbing to fertilizer to lawnmower repair, etc? I bet there are more than 50 receipts per month and some folk want to be paid in cash. I'm glad she's got resources, but holding this team of horses together is overwhelming for me.

I can't imagine how a caregiver company would have that kind of power- was there a court order of some kind? I was doing the same thing, using my own account and reimbursing myself for a while- then I put myself on their account and got a debit card so there is a record of all expenditures they made with their debit card. Occasionally there were cash expenditures and I kept a running tally of those with receipts and date of reimbursement from the account.

ok My mom added me to her bank account years ago ,,, I am her only caregiver ,, am I asking for the same trouble here ,,, is there a better way to do this ,,

If you have siblings, start there & assume it was an "anonymous phone call" that started the mess. Sad.

Hello, first, A big thank you for all who have commented. I realize i left out some details, only because i didn't know how much i could post. It wasn't the caregiver company that started this, we spoke with them, and they assured us they do not do this. It was wrong of me to say it was them when we do not know who started this. We received a phone call from adult protective services first, they are the ones who told us that a Guardian was placed over him and offered no answers as to why. Then we received a call from the guardian company, and had to answer a bunch of questions. I asked them why this happened and again they offered no answer. We then received the court papers that protective services filed. We are simply upset that this is happening, although they say its short term(2 months). It bothers us that they have full control over everything in his life, and there is nothing we can do.

The problems explained in this discussion are all too common, and put an extra burden on the good people who have stepped up to help a loved one. But when you step back and look at the situation from the viewpoint of third parties, you can see how misunderstandings get started.

The adult child here who takes care of their father explains how "We pay his bills using our own money and then use his to pay us back." This practice is a prescription for confusion. At a minimum, you should have a separate checking account that takes in your father's income and disburses payment for his expenses. This is the simplest way to keep a clear record of how his money is being spent. Mingling his money with yours, and then paying his expenses from your own account makes it difficult or impossible to see his transactions clearly. The system you are using may require you to disclose information about your own finances to prove that you have done nothing improper.

The problem is compounded as "his bank statements always show purchases in our area, and not his."

If your father's finances involve more than one or two bank accounts you need to make a list of all his accounts, along with his Social Security Retirement Income, dividends, and other income. List the principal balance for each account, and the monthly income it produces. You can call this list: Schedule A.

When you look at Schedule A, you (and anyone else you show the list to) can see how much income your father has each month.

Made another list showing his expenses. Call this chart: Schedule B.
Show the Name of Expense and the expense Amount.

Make a new Schedule A and Schedule B every month, so you can see how your father’s needs are met. If you subtract the expenses paid in Schedule B from the total principal balance of Schedule A, everyone can always see the financial resources that remain available for care.

The Probate Courts in the state where I live (Massachusetts) use a similar format to account for funds of people who cannot manage their own money. You said that a caregiver company "placed a guardian over him" because you missed one payment. You didn't explain how that happened or whether your father received due process. Hopefully your family's finances won't become part of public probate proceedings.

Using an organized system to keep your father's funds separate from yours can provide a better way.

I cared for my mother and father and encountered a similar situation. Continue to save all documentation in banker boxes. I recommend the plastic ones. Make separate file folders within the boxes. For example, food, medical, home insurance, auto, etc.

When dealing with your father, save every receipt, bank statement, deposit slip, etc. If using a check to make payments, note what the check is being used for on the check itself then save a copy of the cancelled check. If using a credit card, save your statements showing who received payment. When sending emails to providers, .cc yourself or save the sent copy for future reference.

You may need to call Adult Protective Services and ask for welfare checks on your father. You may even need to become his conservator. If so, see an attorney that specializes in this area. It can be expensive, but may be necessary.

Ignore people who judge you and do what is best and most loving for your father. Beyond that guard your sanity by eating right, exercising regularly, getting your rest, and seek out the positive.

Agree with others, use your POA to fire this company, get records of all payments made to them. Would like to add, keeping things simple in the paperwork is key. Just because dad's life situation has changed does not always mean the way his paperwork is handled needs to change. Dad should have his own checking and if he does, his bills should be paid from his own checking. As POA you can even open a checking for him if he doesn't have one. You sign for dad on his checks, you sign your name below his on the checks, ie; John Doe, POA. This way you do not have to transfer or pay your self back for his bills, especially health aide care, this way he is actually still paying his own bills, it keeps things simple because when money starts to get transferred from a parents account to a caregivers account, then questions arise and there can be and usually are accusations. It is also possible to get a debit card to his account in your name to use for his prescriptions, diapers, etc... depending on what your dad can afford to pay for himself. You simply do his shopping for him put it on his debit card, that comes from his checking account. This does require saving and copying every receipt to show what was bought for him if questions arise about that, but by not putting yourself In a position where you have to be reimbursed will save yourself headaches in the long run.

When I started paying mom's bills I was very aware that I had to keep her affairs seperate from mine -for everybody'd sake. I paid all her bills through her biillpay connected to her bank account. I f I buy anything for her I keep receipts and pay myself back via billpay. I can produce everything if required. It's just human nature to be doubtful of one another -even family. You have to watchout for yourself.

Money is the root of all evil !!

Really sorry to hear your story, it must be so frustrating giving all you're trying to do is take care of your father . I always find that keeping a paper trail is a clear win. As long as you keep documentation to show the in and out of funds, you should be able to defend your position. Good luck.

I was just discussing this situation with my husband. How horrible is it when someone blames an innocent person of stealing from the ones he/she is helping out of the kindness of their hearts. If these accusers realized what we go through on a daily basis without, vacation, payment, changing our lives around, seeing our loved ones go down hill and not getting help from siblings, helping when we feel ill and getting no thanks. I wonder how they would feel. Unfortunately I've been accused if you read above. If I am ever accused again I will tell the accuser to call the cops, have me arrested and I will see them in court. I will never be put through that again! Defamation of character charges should be bought to their attention.

Just posted to another question. i have just lost both of my parents. I had told EVERYONE that i am not a bookkeeper. the best advice i can give?? get duplicate, triplicate copies of receipts for EVERYTHING..as one contriburtor wisely said No good deed goes unpunished. NOT to toot any horn, i willingly and lovingly gave 10 yrs of my life to caring for my folks. To be questioned about money ..well to me..there is NO greater insult.

It is best to keep receipts, records of every cent. It sounds like you are going to have an up hill battle. For one, unless something changed I do not know about, your power of attorney cannot be blocked without a court order. An attorney would know best.

I would run this story before an elder care attorney and ask for his/her best advice. Pay for the lawyer out of your funds. I think an elder law attorney can tell you how to get rid of the caregiving company and hire another one. You need a durable POA to make sure you are calling the shots for your parent and protecting their assests the best you can.

Good luck.

Again, "No good deed goes unpunished." We, too, have been accused of stealing from my MIL. Now that she is deceased and we will have to do an accurate accounting of all expenditures, I know that accusation will fly around again since my husband and I were never the best record keepers. We documented what we spent out of her account, but not what we spent out of ours on her behalf. My advice: Document every penny you spend of your own on your father's behalf. However, never expect any personal sacrifice that you made to make any difference to those whose only concern is about your father's money, not his well being

Way to go Lass!!

My Mom accuses my sister and I of stealing things like pictures(I do family tree and copied pictures but never took them-and this was in front of her with my scanner) and needle/thread(my sister sews) and after awhile I had to back off completely and not see my Mom for awhile especially since she was going to call the police on my sister for supposely taking some needles and thread!
I truly don't know if there is an answer to this and like others say, it tends to happen to everyone but it doesn't make it any easier to hear that you are a theft. Hugs

I am a signer on moms bank accounts. I also set up electronic access so I can move Monet from her trust account to checking to pay bills. There is also a credit card in her name a diabetic have a card on her account. I have all routine bills such as utility a d insurance auto charged to checking. I use her credit card when I purchase meds, groceries, order clothes for her, and other items. Even her 24/7 home care is charged. I write fewer checks and there is a better tracking system.

Nevertheless I am going to start a notebook to place all of the financial records in case there are future questions such as mom running g out of funds and needing to apply to the state for help.

Yup thats the only way...paying his/her bills from ur own accounts and then taking money their banks to pay for things for u makes it so much harder on you and harder to follow the paper trail. People please make it easier for you and anyone who questions ur intentions....use their money for their bills & your money for your bills. Keep them seperate at all costs.

You will need to set up a separate checking account in your fathers name and your name as a signer. You must never co-mingle your money with his. All his bills, etc should be paid solely through his account, never through your own. Often your required to have solid documentation to justify reimbursement for any services.

Im sorry you all have been accused I have too...but what Im not understanding a few things....in this day & age cheques dont have to be used....i have set up all my dads bills to automatically come out of his account when they are due. When I do his grocery shopping i use his bank debit card and dont ever mix his groceries with mine. My sister & I both have POA and she can see all im doing & paying by logging into his bank account online. Whos getting paid and what comes in. She knows Im not stealing a dime.

This is a tough one. Because Elder Financial Abuse is on the rise, or at least the awareness of it is on the rise, caregivers are often suspected of stealing whether or not they actually are. I have a sister who has stolen thousands of dollars from our mother. She does a lot for our mother, even though our mom lives in a very nice retirement home. Somewhere along the line, my sister started spending our mom's money on herself for all sorts of things. The biggest mistake we siblings made after our father died (there are three of us girls who were on the POA), was not having a specific plan for managing Mom's money. There were no receipts kept, no monthly accountings, only trust.… Big mistake. I trusted my sister, along with the other sister, to take good care of our mother's finances. Definitely a big mistake on my part. I believe that many caregiver children convince themselves they are not taking advantage of their elderly parents, while at the same time are spending some of the money on themselves. They feel entitled. Both of my sisters and my mother, because she doesn't really understand, have cut me off. I have no contact with them anymore. Am I going to pursue this in the courts? You bet I am. My mother could live many more years, and her money will be gone before she is if this continues.

If people don't want their elderly parent's money to be stolen by their sibling and if caretakers don't want to be falsely accused, make sure everything is done legally and all the bases are covered in the first place. It's sad, but trusting family is not enough.

As far as a temporary guardianship goes, a judge can order it while an investigation into the Financial Elder Abuse of a person is going on.

I have no answers. This is so wrong. Is there any way legally that you may get back the power of attorney??

I am so sorry for this happening to you. Can you get an elder lawyer?? "alwayslearning" gave you some good information-I need not repeat it.
Blessings Are.....

My sistert took over $30,000.00 from my dad over 3 years but told everyone I was lying about it.Unfortunetly I didn't find out till after he died and I was his executrix. She will answer to a higher power and will have to live with what she did though I doubt if she even has a conscious.

Also I was reminded of what happened to a relative who took care of her mom for the last 5 years of her life, there were just her and her one brother in her mothers will. She found out how loving her brother was when they went through probate because he said she had taken all kinds of items from the safe, which was not true, her mom had given many things to the kids over the years and made the mistake to not record it so another lesson learned is if the person who is ill and wants to give things away, have her sign some sort of paper as to what they have, this made the settlement of a small estate take over 18 months.

My mother, in a NH, was always obsessing about HER money. I put $300 into the NH admin office for safe keeping so she could buy whatever she wants, which she can't because she's pretty much bed ridden and there's nowhere to go, but she knows it's there and it seems to have shut her up for the time being.

I am POA for my mother, she is in an assisted living place near by. I pay her monthly rent for her and all of her various bills such as prescription co-pays etc. with her own checking account. The bank and her have authorized me on her account. also I record on an excel worksheet each month what is spent. Yes it would be hard to take being accused but it does happen. The paperwork or excel file seems to be the best thing to record every transaction.

Yobuzz - Something is just being left out in this. Guardianship or Conservatorship (what it is called depends on your state) is a legal process that requires a hearing before a judge to obtain & then afterwards has required hearings &/or filings with the court as to how the person's funds are being used/spent. This is all public record too. You don't just send someone a letter saying "OK I'm now their guardian". So just what is the backstory on all this?

If the person is in imminent danger to themselves or others, then they can become an "ward of the state" with someone given temporary G/C. Usually this is done together with a police action or APS report that shows immediate risk or need. There will be follow-up hearings on all this in court to do a permanent G/C or not if one is not needed. Could it be that the health care service has been named as temporary G/C till the court hearings determine who is to be named?

You mention not being there so you live in another city or another state??, so if certified or registered letters were sent on whatever for your dad would you even be aware? Like if Dad hasn't been paying his bills, or taxes or other items that could put him to have judgements to tax liens would you know about these things? Or Dad unable to take his medications? Most of the time a G/C will need to be a legal resident of the county in which the elder lives. I've been executrix twice and spend more hours in probate court that I could ever imagine and probate is where G/C hearing are held….just so often family who could be a good G/C were not ever even considered because they lived out of state or in another city. The judge is pretty well God and he fully expects someone to be able to be there, present whatever at his terms and right now. I bet there has been something that you weren't there for and so the health provider was named or more likely a vetted by the state G/C who now has turned all daily care and expenses over to the agency that Dad already has a relationship with.

You need an attorney and be prepared to pay out of your clearly shown to be your money for this. I'd say 10-20K to do G/C at this point. It has to be someone with experience in probate & G/C. There will likely be a short small list of attorneys who are good at this. Probate is open-court so all records are public, you can likely go on-line to the county courthouse and scroll through the filings to find the last couple of years of probate filings. Look for the G/C ones and who the attorney's were - it will be indicated on the description of the document (which you pay a fee for to get the whole document and this is usually a very cheap immediate download). the same attorney names will come up - these are the guys you want to hire. they know the system and more importantly know the judges.

You will have a whole set of problems with how you have been using Dad's funds.
You have been "commingling funds" which is very much frowned upon at best or looks like financial shenanigan's at worst. You will be at a disadvantage in court because of this as the DPOA is expected to do a "due diligence fiduciary duty". Missing the payment showed you failed in your duty. To establish that you have not been stealing you will need to do essentially a checkbook register with receipts or other documentation for every check that you have paid yourselves from Dad's money. Both your attorney & the court will need to see this and have it filed to support your ability to be in dad's life in the future and be named G/C or rather have your attorney named as the G/C but you work with them on dad's behalf. I'd get on this asap as I would imagine your ability to get to dad's banking will be shut off pretty soon if not already done.

Oh also if you & your spouse have any issues you need to let your attorney know from the get-go. The judge can do a full background including credit reports on the persons requesting to be G/C. So if there is something there you are kinda toast on being appointed. Like your kid has a juvee record or you have had a foreclosure or other debt issues, you will not be named. The judge will name a vetted by the court & on the judges' list attorney or professional trained G/C to oversee for Dad.

When my mom was doing her updated legal well over a decade ago, her estate attorney (before elder law even became the speciality it is now) had mom do a "Guardianship in Case of Incapacity" statement in which she named me to be this. The attorney said it needed to be done for a couple of reasons….it gave me a trump card to use for the day (and he said it would happen) that mom in a fit of pique would say the "I'm removing you as DPOA" stuff and then also that I am to be her G/C even though I did not live in her city or even in her state. It clearly establishes intent. So for others reading this look into having this document done if allowed in your state and added to their DPOA, MPOA, will & other legal.