How to advocate for a loved one's needs in a positive way?

My dad went into a nursing home after living with me for 5 years. I had it all under control, we had a routine and a schedule, and I could tell just from looking at him what he needed. Once he went into the nursing home I felt as if the staff was doing everything wrong. WE didn't do things this way, we did that THAT way. My dad didn't take meds in the afternoon, I gave them to him in the morning. I never would have lost 5 brand new shirts when I did his laundry like the NH did.

I felt like I was running in circles and I was. Eventually it dawned upon me (after yet another conversation with the NH) that institutional living isn't perfect. It's not tailor made for the individual. Should it be? Sure. But it's not. It's an assembly line and my dad wasn't #1 anymore. I had more of a problem with this than he did. I had to relinquish control over to someone else or I was going to drive myself and the staff nuts.

I learned to pick my battles. I didn't want the staff to inwardly groan and roll their eyes every time I walked in. I didn't want them to take out their frustrations on my dad by not giving him the best care they could. When our loved ones go into a NH the caregiving doesn't end, it just gets different.

I had to lower my expectations. I had to realize that my dad was not going to get the same kind of care in a NH that he got when he lived with me. It just wasn't possible. And it was too much stress for me to have meetings all the time over things I objected to or things I wanted to change about my dad's care. I expected him to be fed and hydrated, I expected him to sit up everyday, I expected that there be no abuse of any kind and I expected that he wouldn't get pressure ulcers. Those were my 4 biggies. Anything else I had to learn to work around.

If the NH used the words, "high maintenance" to your brother I would cross them off the list. They shouldn't speak to him or you that way. But it wouldn't hurt to go over your expectations and see if there are some you can let go of.

You're not wrong in wanting the best care possible for your mom, neither was I when my dad went into a NH. But I had to adjust my interpretation of the word, "best".

There should be ONE family member advocating for mom, interacting with the nursing home, suggesting changes, asking for services. Any thoughts/complaints other family members have should be voiced through that one person.

That one person may have a solution that doesn't involve staff . . . they may decide not to fight that battle . . . they will have more of a tendency to look at the big picture and appreciate staff more. Maybe you have too many cooks spoiling the soup.

Mom was losing her clothes at the nursing home. What could I say to them? "Don't lose her clothes?" Should I go rummaging through their lost-and-found every week? I never said a word about it. On the dirty clothes hamper in her room, I put a sign that said, "FAMILY DOES LAUNDRY". Problem solved.

Family is not going to be able to change the big huge picture. Staff has routines and ways they do things. They may have 100 people there to take care of. They cannot POSSIBLY remember every person's idiosyncrasies and every family's preferences.

I posted a couple of signs over mom's bed - done on the computer. One of them was "Don't Believe a Word She Says" Smiley Face -- The other was "High Fall Risk". When they called me to tell me she'd fallen and cut herself (not seriously), I thanked them for calling and let it go. (She'd fallen at my house and broken her hip, for Heaven's sake; How could I be surprised?) On Nurse's Day I brought two two-pound boxes of Fannie Mae Candy ($22/pound). One for the nurse's station; one for the rehab department. I had a picture of mom as a young woman on her nightstand.

I praised staff to high heaven ALL THE TIME. "Angels Without Wings" I called them. They had a once-a-month meeting for family I always attended (alone, I'm an only). I used that time to tell staff what a good job I thought they were doing and how grateful I was for her fine care. Did I mention particular short-comings? Yes. But surrounded and cushioned well by praise. Was their care perfect? Not by a long shot. If I wanted perfect (and MY way), I'd have to take her home.

I wasn't concerned with whether or not she moved her bowels. That's their job. I never once asked a doctor to perform a test. I DID insist on talking to the doctor a few times. Mom has congestive heart failure. That requires balance of meds to salt. Sometimes I knew they had it wrong, and I would call that to their attention.

When I had minor criticisms (sooooo seldom), I did that out of earshot of others with the Managing Nurse.

I had one "run-in" with the Managing Nurse -- when I instructed them to hold her diuretics until they'd spoken with the doctor. She said they couldn't do that. Really? I said something like, "I'm telling you she doesn't get one more diuretic until you've talked with the doctor. And if he doesn't decrease her dosage, you will have him call me." He decreased her dosage AND he called me. (There was no doubt in my mind that she was severely dehydrated.) She was royally P.O.'d. So I did speak up as an advocate for mom; but only when it counted. For the most part, I let their system work as it was designed.

I visited mom every day around lunchtime. I helped other residents any chance I had. Staff actually insisted on feeding me. (God, I hated that. Ha!) And staff didn't miss that I saved them many trips for the cream they forgot to put on someone's tray, another glass of water or juice, helped them clear trays, whatever. In a small way, I was conspicuously helpful.

Leave the vinegar at home. Bring honey. ;)

Rosie, my rule of thumb is normally "a reasonable request, courteously phrased." In all dealings with people who are hands-on with my mother, I exchange courteously for 'charmingly' and lay on the praise with a trowel.

But reading your post, I think you probably already do that. And I have to say that phrase from the manager would leave me very stony-faced indeed.

Ok, I'll step back from my first reaction of wishing to take him or her warmly by the throat. Let's not overreact, eh. Let's assume s/he was making an aside during a jocular conversation with your brother. Oh my how they must have companionably rolled their eyes.

So. "Too high-maintenance" - for what? Too much for your mother to be admitted on a permanent basis? Too much for you to continue to be her primary Next of Kin? What exactly was that supposed to mean, what message were you supposed to take from it?


Goodness I feel cross on your behalf! Bollocks to them. Don't let this shake your confidence: continue to act as your mother's alert advocate, ensuring that you are courteous and considerate to staff at all times and that your expectations are reasonable.

This director should be reported for his/her unprofessional behavior. Make sure this nursing home is the place you want to put your mother. There should be no discussion of how the family deals with this situation, only that they treat staff in a respectful manner, but that doesn't mean you cannot advocate for changes when you feel your mother has problems. If you are not familiar with medical protocol in nursing homes, do your homework and ask what the parameters are and what to expect. Staff should explain what is being done, and not take offense when you ask. If they do, find another place for mom.

I never go to the Director, they are too far removed from hands on care. I do meet often with the head nurse, after office visits or return from hospital. I make sure to thank him for everything they do for her. He has all our cell phone numbers. If I stay for a meal, I thank the server and compliment the cook. I tell the recreation lady how much mom enjoys the trips and she shows me mom's participation sheet. If an aide comes in, I offer to step out.
Little things like that add up and build trust. It also makes it clear you care.
Find little positives and notice them. It's a lost art.

Too high maintenance? She doesn't know how to win friends and influence people. If your description is accurate, than no, you are not high maintenance. Mom can't express these for herself, so you must do it for her. The NH will just have to learn to live with it. High maintenance indeed!

Hi - you are awesome, if that's high maintenance then rock on! I like ferris's take, and I'd go to the director soon over some light question and speak with him. Get his outlook, straight from him... Men (bro) sometimes are sensitive to being 'a pain' when women are not, do you think? You'll know what to do after you meet with him. You're interviewing him as well as the other way around. You just need them to be on your team, and you can come to trust them as you see things are okay, there's nothing high maintenance about that. Good luck with this transition for all of you.

If not you then who will advocate for mom! All of the above answers are correct in my opinion however if you can afford it hire a Geriatric Care Manager. They are healthcare professionals who are nationally certified in coordinating care and patient advocacy. To find 1 in your area look under the National Association of Professional Geriatric Care Managers. I believe the website is wee.caremanager.org

i eat the food with a straight face , pam , but h*ll to the NO am i going to tell the cook it was good . respecting that they are professionals and staying out of their way i agree with tho .
i asked head nurse ( yes the one with the dirty knees ) yesterday if maybe edna couldnt be accomodated with a small pee leakage pad instead of a bulky adult diaper . i told nurse it was humiliating to edna and just asked her to think about my suggestion . edna tells me all of her most personal concerns so im sure ill find out if any changes are made . honestly , i saw no sign of the bulky diaper while visiting today but with edna its kinda like out of sight out of mind . she aint going to mention it if its been resolved . i think staff welcomes input if its phrased gently and in theirs and the patients interests . a content patient is definately in their best interest imo ..

my father has recently been placed in nursing facility after falling 2 times within 24 hrs, no broken bone/fractures thank God. but he has been diagnosed with moderate to severe dementia/Alzheimers and I knew my mother, 87, could no longer handle him. Lets' face it, there are NO nursing facilites that will operate like we do in our own homes, they are not the Paris Hilton Hotel either and we all make mistakes...........BUT......we do have to protect our loved ones and IF you as the family member or whomever that has poa, or whatever you want to call it.....has to STAND up for your parent/spouse/whomever. If the nursing facility is offended because someone decided to speak up instead of "letting things slide", then that is their problem not yours. I already have caught the one head lady lie to my face in saying that my mother said "that my dad would be coming home"......uh.my mother said 4 months ago she could no longer handle things....then I am told that my dad would get therapy 3 times a week for 1 hour.......wrong......he gets it every day for 1 1/2 hours......so guess who I already complained to. not that I don't want him to get therapy. but I was never given a paper on it, let alone a paper indicating the prices.......so I am talking to billing today cause one day he was so tired that he couldn't even do 20 minutes of therapy. guess who is NOT going to pay for 1 full hour............not us. So never feel bad or so called high maintenace for standing up for what is right and what should be done. God bless those that do try to help and shame on those who try to make the previous caregiver/family member feel guilty for speaking up.