My 86 yr. old Mother has mid-level dementia, and mobility issues. She's gorgeous for her age. However, she is trying to meet men on the Internet. She spends way too much money, (most of her purchases end up in the trash, can't hear (even with top notch hearing aids), so I'm constantly repeating myself at least 2-3 times (often because she can't hear) because she's very ditsy and doesn't listen. Never has. I'm her Uber driver for everything, her personal shopper, car washer, window cleaner, you name it. I’m also her bill pay reminder, gardener and housekeeper.
She was a lousy mother; we were all somewhat neglected. She was always busy with one husband/man or another. I have two sisters. One helps a tiny bit, the other utterly refuses any help. I find myself feeling very "stuck", and resenting having to spend my latter years like this, living with her and on top of it, having no privacy. I worked very hard at stressful jobs for 40 plus years. This is my reward?
My anger towards her boils over sometimes, then I feel guilty for not being able to contain it. On top of it, she's a complete Narcissist, and I don't enjoy talking with her anymore. It's just too difficult.
Any advice on how to keep my sanity?
If you need a friend I am here. I do understand.
Never feel bad about your feelings. Feelings are just feelings. You can't control them. Go easy on yourself.
Kelley
If mom has no funds for Memory Care Assisted Living, look into Medicaid for Skilled Nursing. You deserve a life of your own, and she deserves peace and tranquility also. Had mom been living with me, I have no doubt I'd have been losing my cool ALL the time. Between her dementia and personality disorders, fuggedaboutit.
Best of luck.
Second, you are under no obligation to be your mother's hands-on caregiver (or even a remote PoA). It won't get better, only more and more intense, demanding, stressful and frustrating as she declines. You are in control of whether you continue down this path or turn off. You just have to be at peace with the other options for her.
Now I have aides coming in 5 days a week for 5 hours to do her morning routine with her and pay attention to her, etc. THIS is how you keep your sanity. You stop being her everything cuz it's a thankless and frustrating job. You deserve your own time and space. Hire someone else to do a bunch of the stuff she has dumped on your lap. Nope. Start getting out of the house and living YOUR life, not hers.
She won't like it but too bad. Remember, YOU don't like how things are now so something has to give.
Good luck.
Seriously though, have you ever quit a job before?
Or maybe this job is want you DO want to do. Because it pays well, in financial, personal or emotional rewards.
PS Being "delegated" is one word to use, one way to look at it. Another word/way would be 'volunteered'.
Stick to the list of remaining items. Believe me, your Mom will notice that half of things she wants done are not being done. But you will start feeling better.
Practice saying "I can't possibly do that" over and over until it feel comfortable to say.
It's a start.
I didn't sign up for this
Me and my brother have our own lives to live and taking care of our mom is hindering that!
I’ve been there: don’t take on more than you can handle.
You need to do what your other sister is doing NOT DOING ANYTHING. Live your life the way you want to live it. Life is priceless and if you aren't doing anything about it you will be in the same boat as she is.
Are you POA of her if not then do what you want let her pay for someone else to come in and do things for her. Are you getting paid for this?
There is NO GUILT in this matter don't go there do what you can then go live your life.
Prayers that you find yourself and that your mother is in a place that can take care of her.
Re-look at EVERYTHiNG through a lens of common sense.
Eg If Mom has Dementia, - should she have access to the majority of her funds? No. Maybe just a little treat money.
If she is at risk of fraudsters, this trying to meet men via the computer - should she have computer access? No, or at least supervised.
If Mom cannot arrange her care, should she be in charge of hers & your weekly calender? No.
Look at what she can do safely independantly.
Look at where she needs supervision.
Look at what needs to be taken away.
Most of it seem to be just 2 issues imho.
ADAPT to how Mom now is & what she now needs.
Learn to say NO.
Take away the internet from her. Change the password.
Invest in tablets of paper - start writing to each other if she can’t hear.
You need to have the strength to make changes and manage both of your routines.
First of all it's good that you are aware of this and on this forum to pick and choose what you think will benefit your situation.
At first glance I thought about your mother's finances--you have to protect the elderly from scams, frauds, telephone calls that the grandchildren need $ also a scam to bail him out. People do these things unfortunately.
What took your parent(s) their whole to save up some swindler could take in 5 minutes flat. Secure her funds; take away the keyboard on the computer if you have to and replace the "online friends" which actual people--neighbors, Church,
family, etc.
Your story is not isolated about the siblings not pitching in. It's a broken record after a while. I don't even say it any more instead I get my hair colored, eat right, work evenings' remotely so I won't be in the poor house in my old age, keep good credit, am well read (library card), have the Church people in every Sunday to bring Communion and bought a violin.
Now, I realize we just got out of a Pandemic. Life was/is different. As I write this my mother is getting dressed and going to her "Tuesday Morning With Dementia Friends" for (4) hours. I drop her off and pick her up. I, in hand, fill her pillbox, and go to an indoor pool.
The respite provides continental breakfast, hot lunch, with her health insurance Physical and Speech Therapy. An RN is on hand--they take Mom's blood pressure, vitals, etc. and they plant, bake, exercise and it's basically a lot like high school.
These (4) hours I can get things done, exercise with neighbors and have peace of mind. There is fee for the facility and some do offer transportation.
Keep in mind--upon admission for this program, the respite staff asked me, "do you have a plan in place, should something happen to you."
Right now in all honesty I am solo with all of this. I bring in services and know Mom's insurance by the back of her hand. You have to find a place in the neighborhood where she is supervised and you can go to the hairdressers, the Y, cafe, library, whatever.
I had the most beautiful childhood (2) great parents. It's hard enough doing this (caregiving) when you love the people but even harder if you are not in the best of circumstances.
Call on the troops, whatever you can get delivered, deliver. Buy flowers every week at the market, hire someone to clean, outsource everything. You can't keep this up.
I hope this helped. You are not alone in this and there are a lot of services out there. Mom may not like it but it's necessary so when all of this is said and done you are still standing in once piece.
Amen Sister...
This isn't your job. I have no intention of either of my children "taking care" of me. That's on me to plan for myself. If I get dementia, they can place me in a facility and not even think about us living together or them taking care of me in some way. Please stop thinking of providing her care as your job. You are entitled to your own life. I get why you're angry. I am not build for caregiving and I was angry too while I did it for a short time. Having bad parents makes it even worse. Please start looking for a way out. This is the only life you get.
I still am called upon as their personal Uber driver. The latest was 1 AM when he was coming back from a trip to the ER…because he didn’t want to take the transport that was being provided.
i continue to take care of the bills and most of the personal shopping items. (My sister—who got to keep her job—shops for clothes for them. And does come to take them out for dinner.)
I am only 10 min from the facility but find it really hard to visit. They have everything they need and yet the complaining will never cease.
I spent my first few years of post retirement oversees in a developing country doing what I love. My sister insisted I needed to come home (which meant giving up my PAID dream job). I foolishly gave into the guilt. Not to mention they didn’t like me living with them. They acted as if I was using them for my housing needs! (I actually overheard my mom tell her sister this! My dad later divulged he thought I had been fired from my overseas job! …I have NEVER been fired from ANY job…and have always been celebrated for my contributions! This job was no different!). After my horrible unwelcome arrival…the pandemic hit!! It was after things opened up a bit is when I moved out.
Moving out was the best decision…but the responsibilities are still here. I am “stuck”. I just can’t seem to move in any direction. I just exist. I don’t have the energy to make any changes.
I fight against feelings of resentment and anger. I know I have “choices” and can make different decisions. It just seems I’m just too tired to make them.
All this to say you aren’t alone.
Wow, that sums up my current state in one paragraph. Finding this forum has been invaluable to me as there’re so many of us in these same shoes who offer sage advice and encouragement. Even though I am the only one caring for my mother, I don’t feel quite so alone.
Your mother apparently hasn’t come to terms with either her age or romantic prospects. Your description of her habits makes her sound like an overgrown teenager who derived her validation by being admired and pursued by men and plenty of them. You made the decision to move in with her and now you have no privacy and are at her beck and call for things that don’t sound like hands on personal care. It also sounds like you mother has enough disposable income to waste her resources on frivolous purchases she makes herself either personally in your presence or over the Internet. You used to enjoy her company but now you don’t because she can’t hear and is a narcissist. It also sounds like your sisters took the measure of her long ago and either refuse to put up with her entirely or provide a little help, perhaps out of concern for you, not her. Were you perhaps her favorite child, thought you could handle her and that’s why you agreed to move in?
Despite her “moderate dementia,” I don’t think your mother would allow herself to be placed out of her home just yet, It sounds like she is still calling all the shots in “her” home. But I don’t see you actually moving out and abandoning your mother.
Make a list of all the things your mother does that annoy and frustrate you. If you hate to garden, tell her she must purchase a lawn service, find one, and stop doing it. Refuse delivery of all internet purchases and remove her computer or phone access if necessary, Make a shopping schedule and stick to it. Make the situation tolerable by taking charge of the household until she really does need placement. Tell her frankly but lovingly that you can no longer live with her if she does not comply. If she doubts and tests you, see if you can move in with your sister or a friend for a couple of weeks until she gets the message. In the meantime, spend as much time as you can with your own friends and invite them over. Your mother needs to visibly observe that she is not the center of your world. You might find that can get your mother’s ditsy behavior under better control if you withdraw from any task she can do herself that does not involve spending money or using you as a chauffeur. Start giving her assignments of things you expect her to do for you that are manageable and safe. To keep your sanity, you must take control and mean to what you say. She will soon require much more care than you can provide.
I wouldn't spend time screaming because someone can't hear. Too bad. Get a note pad and write small answers. You'll give yourself a headache, and strain your voice.
I would tell the family I'm done. She needs more help than you can give. But you made it easy for the rest of the family. They won't want things to change.
YOU have to change. You have to ask yourself why you are a doormat, and a martyr. Your getting something out of it. Your siblings aren't martyrs. Only you can get a backbone and say enough.
https://lonerwolf.com/martyr-complex-symptoms/
“The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.
To lose one's wealth is sad indeed,
To lose one's health is more,
To lose one's soul is such a loss
That no man can restore.
The present only is our own,
So live, love, toil with a will,
Place no faith in "Tomorrow,"
For the Clock may then be still.”
Hiring an Elder Law Attorney to meet with you and your sisters would give each of you an opportunity to care for your mom from a distance, but as a group.
When all is settled and you move into your own space, then consider a therapist for yourself, so that you can work through issues of neglect and maybe even abandonment. You don't have to continue a living in confinement with a narcissist..........you have options!