Am I the only caregiver who often feels angry and frustrated with the "role" of Caregiver I've been delegated?

Hello, no, you're not alone! I am angry for pretty much the same reasons you are. I do have help from my younger sister, however we have a third sibling who lives on the same property who for his own issues which is severe anxiety, wont seek treatment..he could possibly be a willing participant in our family but he chooses not to. My younger sister is more of a daily living assistant for half the week and the other half its me, however, I'm the only one managing finances, medical appointments,legal stuff, dmv, bills, calling all these God forsaken agencies and having to deal with automated phone calls that never answer your question, hardly ever allow you to speak to a living person, or have you on hold for 2 hours and then drop the call, etc 😡. It's just a huge fiasco over here. We are dealing with both of my parents, my mother has dementia and is extremely stubborn and will not take a shower even though being obviously filthy. She is not that far gone that she doesn't know what's going on, she can have a conversation with you about the weather, about growing plants, about her old job, about maintenance of a car, taking care of a garden, deep spiritual convos (at least for a few minutes) etc but when you say mom, it's time to take a shower, your clothes are dirty and there's food stuck all over your shirt and your pants are changing colors from the reaction between the Sun and your sweat, she says, "I'm not going to live under your thumb!", I'm like lady, if you were living under my thumb, you would have a shower three times a week! I understand the brain shrinks and yada yada yada when people have dementia, however, that realization does not help the situation AT ALL. Things don't just magically get better because you know and understand the reason why a behavior is happening. The situation is still just as difficult for those of us that have to manage and take care of people. I don't know what to do about it because there is no way to force her to take a shower and that's come from professional caretakers.

My 80-year-old father who recently went downhill and we are noticing some cognitive deficits now and who has been the controller of everything/the estate, has bathroom issues, wont shower, is loud because he cannot hear, but actually he's loud anyway because he gets angry very easy and his way of dealing with things is to yell and raise his voice at everyone, and when I've confronted him about this he denied screaming and yelling at me throughout childhood😑 All my friends that I'm still friends with since high school laugh at this because they remember being terrified of him and running and hiding when he would come home from work or we would have to cross paths with him otherwise. My best friend from high school whos now a PHD in psychology remembers being in my room and him kicking the door open and yelling and screaming at us and blaming me who was 15 at the time for my younger sisters anger management issues...my sis was nine at that time and was diagnosed with ADHD so not really sure what responsibility I had as far as her anger management issues go, but whatever. There's a whole bunch of other stuff left over from childhood, as is the case with a lot of us here and now I'm supposed to be caregiving when I don't have the personality or the mental ability to be in this position. My hard wiring is screwed up and thats been the case for my whole life.. I am not a nurturer unless you are a plant or an animal...Kids love me and I don't know why. But I am not the person to be in this situation with my elderly parents, but I am the oldest, the only girl, and there's no one else in my family who thinks well enough that can do the management that I am doing so I'm basically trapped and that feeling trapped alone causes a lot of stress, so I feel you! We do have some caretakers that come in Monday through Friday for different amounts of time, however it doesn't really do much for my situation. I hope you find relief!

Oh my dear Lady , you are absolutely NOT alone !! I have many brothers and sisters but Im the one here doing the job ! Every time I help do whatever it is that needs getting done … I either get sworn at or she’ll throw something at me … luckily she can’t see well so I haven’t been hit yet ! Lol im constantly having to repeat myself or what was said by tv or whatever… she’s a wonderer so there’s that … anyway sorry my point is you are so not alone ! It’s so overwhelming !! Ill tell you what , I am grateful that she can spend her last years at home ! She earned that ! 💚🙏💚 good luck ! 💚

i can empathize with you. I have a narcissistic mother too. Here is what would make me feel better if I were you:

First, if you can afford to, you should move to your own place. You will feel better if you can go to your sanctuary.

Second, gradually divest yourself of some of the chores you described. I wouldn’t drop them all immediately but set up an Uber if she needs to go out, instacart for shopping, etc.

Third, tell your siblings you are going on a well earned vacation for a few weeks and they need to step up to the plate. Even if you go nowhere you need a respite.

Fourth, set boundaries of what you will and will not do. You are being exploited by your mother and siblings. Learn not to be a victim.

Fifth, take care of yourself so that you can enjoy your life when she is finally gone.

You need to handle your response to the situation. Do not let the situation control you.

Good luck!

Laurpar: Your mother requires placement in a memory care facility with, of course, her financials footing the bill.

I hear ya! i to was delegated that role for my dad - he was stubborn and we didn't see eye to eye! today, i am helping with my brother he is 73, his daughter does bills and medicare etc. i go over every other day and help with the dog and try to make my brother see the lite on things he really should be doing. these are major issues! no one else wants to go.

my thoughts are that I love him and I can't leave him - so that's my advice to you. do what you can and when it gets to you take a few days and tell the others to do it (make your list of what you do) then go without guilt! you have a place in heaven - i hope to meet you there!

Narcissist is the key word here. They will suck you dry and then move on. you need to get her out of your house and into assisted living and then refuse to be her slave anymore.

I also think in terms of "is this my reward". I married late and almost immediately "Bang, he has Alzheimer's disease".

How to keep your sanity - First, seriously, get others to do the job. Start off with delegating some tasks and transition to more and more. Or, let some jobs go. That's terribly difficult for me but I'm getting real good at it with time. You can stop doing it all but you won't until you let go of that, "Only I can do it" belief.

You also need to join a good support group because more than solace ("Am I the only caregiver who feels angry and frustrated?"),(Btw, Are you nuts?), you will get laughter, and deep-knowing feedback that only other caregivers can give.

You will hear worse stories than yours which will shamefully make you feel great and lucky by comparison. One of our members apologized at the end of a meeting admitting to attending just to hear worse stories. We all laughed in total agreement.

You will see confirming nods, and hear affirming sounds from others listening to your story. As a result of talking to other caregivers who KNOW what you're going through you'll feel a bit soothed, a kind of small healing to your soul. Imagine the unexpected relief from dropping a suffocating weight that is simultaneously on the top of your head, on your face and chest.

Sharing the experiences about your week with people in your shared culture of caregiving will give you support and strength. It took me years to join. As I've mentioned in other responses I'm not a joiner but I learned that there can be comfort in accepting the kindness of a listener who with their own admirable broken spirit gives strength by understanding.

I think that many if not most of us feel as you do at times (or even much of the time), especially if we have never got on with our parent for whatever reason and did not actually volunteer to be a caregiver. We now have not only my 88-year-old narcissistic mother with early dementia living in AL but expecting us to run her life but also my 56-year-old brother going through a bitter divorce and wanting to stay with us because the atmosphere at home is making him suicidal.

It's not nice of me, but I catch myself feeling 'Is this our reward for trying to be decent people and making better life choices than my relatives...?!'

My only advice is to accept that feelings and actions are not the same, i.e. you can justifiably feel frustrated or angry but still act lovingly. And make sure to find some time to do things that please and refresh you, however small. God bless you!

My mom is a sweet lovely lady who was a wonderful mother BUT OMG my anger is high… so high again that I have signed up this week for mental health counseling to deal with it. The absolute craziness of my moms mid level dementia is driving ME crazy! She looks normal even sounds normal to many people who interact on the surface with her but her decisions and insight are so bad and unsafe. Even in a facility she convinces them to allow unsafe behaviors like showering alone…then she falls {hurts her back} and everyone acts shocked. Frustrates me! This is why we put her in assisted living. Exhausting. I might add if I hear the expression one more time…self care…I will explode. That sounds so sweet…so easy… but when you leave the facility there is more work..calls, insurance issues, pharmacy billing issues, pee pads to purchase, eye and dental appts, mounds of paperwork, annuity money transfers and banking..REALLY?....self care is fit in between the work needed to maintain moms calm life..then the guilt for being angry of my lost life … it is hard to get ONE day totally mine..Counseling will calm me down again..relieve my guilt for being tired of this when others think it is so wonderful that I still have my mom {she is 89..me 71} and mom is healthy..…I get you ..I totally get it.
ps: my only sibling has serious health issues and my only daughter in another state has a young husband fighting cancer..help is not really an option. This is the reality of advanced elderly parents {many who now live into the late 90’s} and we someday will be doing this to our kids which scares me even more!

You are not alone. In fact, most if not all will tell you the same. I don’t believe caregiving is especially rewarding.
I consider myself lucky with some aspects, my caregiving role allows me lots of free time. Yet, I am here and many things become more of my responsibility. And knowing as most progressive diseases get only worse makes it very difficult.
The fact that my early retirement should look different after working most of my life 2 jobs, late 30s sometimes two jobs and night school for five years for accountancy which required studying another 20 hours a week, so working 80 hours a week was unusual.
Sure, great rewards personally and professionally, but now I need to be available 24/7.
The only suggestion will be reward yourself however big or small, any help, relief respite you can find, don’t hesitate and no guilt. I say I did not create, contribute to this disease.
I concentrate more on my own hobbies, social aspects, distancing myself from disease.

I go from frustration, to guilt to sadness. I don't even want to be in my own house. My husbands has Asperger's and it is his mother. He does a lot for her but she is now in the stages of starting to wander and has been making poor choices. We both work full time so we had to make the choice to place her. Only full time care givers can understand what we go through. The memory issues, the repeating, the mood swings the smells and mess. We all need to do what is right for our situation.

I’ve been advised to stop referring to myself or even thinking of myself as a caregiver. I’m a daughter. There are things I can and cannot (or will not) do as a daughter. There are people trained to provide caregiving. I’ve been advised to maintain very clearly separate households and to set and protect very clear relationship boundaries. I do not want to become more of a crutch than I already am. I can take care of basics, but when I am no longer able, we are going to have to have some help. I laugh when she says she doesn’t want to have to pay someone to help and do things for her. Who can blame her? After all, she’s currently getting a great deal of help from me for absolutely nothing. Funny/Not Funny. It breaks my heart to hear about some of the quandaries in which some have found themselves. I’m learning valuable lessons. Some would say I’m developing a cold heart. That’s okay. Ice is a protective coating. After reading a few posts, I might need to change my title to daughter/magical helper elf. I just refuse to add the title caregiver.

First, if you live with your mother, move out. I would also tell your mother to inform your siblings that you’re done and it is time to step up to the plate. Don’t take your siblings calls.

Then go out and reclaim your life.