My brother has anger issues and has previously been abusive to me and my family. He got divorced and is living with my Mom. my Mom and I have always been super close but when he acts crazy she always tells me “not to make it worse” by calling the cops or protecting myself. She has always blamed me if I act to protect. I am in charge of her finances but he handles them currently and I want to put her in to a two day adult dementia day care that is really inexpensive but he blew up on me because I insisted it was important for her brain. Even though we discussed it and a more expensive option he flipped out on my and threatened me and I reminded him that I have the authority and he physically got in my face ( we are in our fifties) told me I would be sorry and called me every name in the book. My Mom enables him, and won’t kick him out of the house but cries every day. My husband says to walk away from both of them as they are toxic and she made the decision to allow him to live there. I love her and I struggle because I know what he’s like and he has taken over her house won’t let a cleaner in and she doesn’t have toilet paper or a towel to bathe herself. I want to go to the cops but mom and my husband say I will make it worse on myself. What to do???
You say "I am in charge of her finances" but HE, meaning the troublesome brother "handles them currently". If you are POA and are allowing ANYONE ELSE (including the brother) to handle the finances you are violating your duty as a POA.
Again, who is POA for this woman with dementia? Because if there are not meticulous records, there will be a problem for whomever is POA.
There is nothing new in ner-do-well child getting the attention and the love.. If you are a believer, remember the story of the Prodigal Son.
I absolutely agree with your husband. If you are not POA, walk away. And there is no evidence that day care heals dementia or prevents it progression.
Your husband has the answer, walk away, let the two of them battle it out. Open your eyes and accept what is happening at face value, there is nothing you can do, yes, they are both toxic.
If you feel brother is abusing Mom in any way, verbally or by withholding something, you need to contact Adult Protection Services. Give them a picture of what is going on and ask them to do a well check. Asking Mom questions without brother present. If he threatens you have a police record made up.
My mom and sister have a very very toxic co dependent enabling relationship all of my sister’s life and I leave them to it, but my sister is insane. I mean unmediated bat doo doo insane. So I guess it could be abusive with all the yelling they do with each other, but my mom really seems to get a lot out of that part too.
Are you risking losing assets, money, house etc if you leave them be? I don’t mean this in you missing out on inheritance, but the loss of money to care for her properly.In this case, he sounds at the least neglectful. She doesn’t sound well cared for. I would look into having her declared incompetent or getting some kind of agency or law involved. But you can talk that out with elder care before you actually do anything.
It sounds like you and your husband need to understand all the complexities before you do or don’t do anything.I think you need to at least consult with adult protective services. They can guide you on the ins and outs.
Walking away is a choice but in this case it sounds like your mother’s existence is in jeopardy and I think none of us want our parents to have a bad death.