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Are you looking for a visit or help with care? Are you concerned that your father is unhappy because they don't visit? It is their loss - I feel sorry for them with that attitude. As for your father, he may be sorry they don't visit, but older people have a different perspective and it probably does not bother him as much as it bothers you. I agree with the others who have written - don't keep your hopes up that you can change your siblings. Be glad you have the generous spirit you have.
ha ha ha. Many threads about deadbeat siblings. Don't they know how much you suffer and sacrifice? Surely if they knew they would pitch in and relieve you of some of the burden? ha ha ha.
You'll find that deadbeats have a lot of rights, starting with the right to be as close as they want to be. And if that means they call every six months and say "Hi MOM!" and that's it, then that is the relationship they choose. And that's their right, to be deadbeats.
One of my three sisters did get guilted to the Light Side, after about six years of distance because of resentment and anger at how Mom treated sis's jerky husband. However, on these forums, you will rarely hear of a sibling who can be persuaded to help and "do more." The family that works like a team is rarer than hen's teeth. Good luck.
quite honestly.. you cant.. you can try talking to them and telling them that its beneficial to your father etc.. or you need a break and need someone to help you out, but in the long run.. they'll either do it or not...i know thats disheartening, but its the sad truth..maybe you can take your dad to see them? I dont know your situation so im just throwing that out there..
sit and talk to them all and try to come up with a solution!! once a week might be too much for one.. but im sure at least there can be a "more often".....
Actions speak louder than words;when someone doesn't care, they just don't care. Now that my father is gone the siblings can find alot of time to get there [rightful] inheritance. COULDN'T FIND TIME TO VISIT,CALL OR HELP.Even though they are doing what they can to cause misery,I feel sorry for them.
My brothers exact wrds were "you chose to do what you do and I chose to do what I do"[which was nothing} My father chose to knock my brother out of inheritance because of his choice of not coming around,now my brother has chosen to get a lawyer and play the victim to get his inheritance by any means possible.This boy did not even come to his own fathers funeral.
Have had the hardest time understanding how one sibling is tagged to be caretaker and the others take a powder. I was incensed my sis didn't help with either parent, tho she lives across the country, she could've contributed in some way. I thought about it, my sister never visited mom or dad whenever they were in the hospital, not ever. She'd only fly to see them if it suited her, not if they asked her to come. She flew to see dad when he had a near fatal heart attack and waited 6 yrs to fly back . . . to his funeral. She didn't want to help. Last yr I asked her how she sleeps at night, still waiting for an answer. I agree with the others, you can't make your sibs visit or do what is right. They don't think like you do. It's not fair. For what it's worth and it's worth a lot to me, being able to lay my head on the pillow at night and know that I did the best I could, brings peace. Sis is on her own in that area.
amen !! when my husband had to have an open heart i ask my sister if she could sit with pa while me and my kids goes up to hospital on the day of operation , she said oh i have bad back and i dont know anything about cleaning pa s private area . i was floored ! i couldnt speak to her after that . she had takin pa s money for whatever she needed and couldnt work to repay it back . i am so sick to my stomach ! my sweet ex sis in law says oh i ll come and sit with pa , !! bless her heart ! i love her !!! she stayed a whole week so i could sit up there with my husband and so my daughters could go to work ,, and my sis finaly waited a whole week to ask me how is my husband , i didnt want to talk to her but i did , just to be nice , pa says to be nice , uhhhhh...
tenn , i learned that if a parent wants to knock one of the siblin out on inhert they have to leave them one dollar so they cant fight that in court ... court will say well they left ya one dollar !!! so what does that tell ya ???
I wonder if there is a "wash my hands of my parents" legal document, perhaps it need be only a few sentences typed up and notarized, such as
"As of this date _______________, I relinquish all rights and obligations pertaining to visiting and the care of my elderly parents (names). These decisions could include (but not be limited to) treatment options, end of life decisions, placement in nursing home or other residence change, caregiver selection, administration and disposal of estate and property, and in-person/mail/phone visiting. I also relinquish all claims to monetary and property inheritance." ha ha ha.
Maybe if the deadbeats get a letter like this with instructions to get it signed and notarized, or visit the person with the document, and insist they go to notary with you, it might be a reality check for them. Hey, maybe they'd actually sign it, or be guilt ridden enough to change.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is their loss - I feel sorry for them with that attitude.
As for your father, he may be sorry they don't visit, but older people have a different perspective and it probably does not bother him as much as it bothers you. I agree with the others who have written - don't keep your hopes up that you can change your siblings. Be glad you have the generous spirit you have.
You'll find that deadbeats have a lot of rights, starting with the right to be as close as they want to be. And if that means they call every six months and say "Hi MOM!" and that's it, then that is the relationship they choose. And that's their right, to be deadbeats.
One of my three sisters did get guilted to the Light Side, after about six years of distance because of resentment and anger at how Mom treated sis's jerky husband. However, on these forums, you will rarely hear of a sibling who can be persuaded to help and "do more." The family that works like a team is rarer than hen's teeth. Good luck.
quite honestly.. you cant.. you can try talking to them and telling them that its beneficial to your father etc.. or you need a break and need someone to help you out, but in the long run.. they'll either do it or not...i know thats disheartening, but its the sad truth..maybe you can take your dad to see them? I dont know your situation so im just throwing that out there..
sit and talk to them all and try to come up with a solution!! once a week might be too much for one.. but im sure at least there can be a "more often".....
Best Wishes!
'
'
I was incensed my sis didn't help with either parent, tho she lives across the country, she could've contributed in some way. I thought about it, my sister never visited mom or dad whenever they were in the hospital, not ever. She'd only fly to see them if it suited her, not if they asked her to come. She flew to see dad when he had a near fatal heart attack and waited 6 yrs to fly back . . . to his funeral. She didn't want to help. Last yr I asked her how she sleeps at night, still waiting for an answer.
I agree with the others, you can't make your sibs visit or do what is right. They don't think like you do. It's not fair. For what it's worth and it's worth a lot to me, being able to lay my head on the pillow at night and know that I did the best I could, brings peace. Sis is on her own in that area.
my sweet ex sis in law says oh i ll come and sit with pa , !! bless her heart ! i love her !!! she stayed a whole week so i could sit up there with my husband and so my daughters could go to work ,,
and my sis finaly waited a whole week to ask me how is my husband , i didnt want to talk to her but i did , just to be nice , pa says to be nice , uhhhhh...
court will say well they left ya one dollar !!! so what does that tell ya ???
"As of this date _______________, I relinquish all rights and obligations pertaining to visiting and the care of my elderly parents (names). These decisions could include (but not be limited to) treatment options, end of life decisions, placement in nursing home or other residence change, caregiver selection, administration and disposal of estate and property, and in-person/mail/phone visiting. I also relinquish all claims to monetary and property inheritance." ha ha ha.
Maybe if the deadbeats get a letter like this with instructions to get it signed and notarized, or visit the person with the document, and insist they go to notary with you, it might be a reality check for them. Hey, maybe they'd actually sign it, or be guilt ridden enough to change.
This "deadbeat rights" thing has got to stop.
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