Mom has always had an ugly, cruel side to her when she's angry or upset. She's a classic victim personality & I was her sounding board all my life. She's 91 yrs old & had been living with us until recently when she tried to flee the house and then physically attacked me twice in 3 days. The second time it happened, I dialed 911. She was transported to the ER, declared Section 12, & admitted to a geriatric psych ward. They're in the process of stabilizing her medications. In 5 days if all goes well she'll be transported to one of the best memory care facilities in the state where she'll be safe and secure in a proper environment. I knew that things would be rough at the start. I've been prepared for her anger as her medications brought her back into some semblance of lucidity. But today's visit with her at the psych ward was bad. Really bad. She was so happy before she spotted me in the recreation room - and I know that patients display different emotions for their loved ones than their healthcare team. But this shift was dark. Very dark. Name calling was the least of it. Mom was so cruel. The horrible things she said about me & about my husband. She called his family white trash. She told me I was a fat f*&k and it was only a matter of time before he cheated on me. She told me she hated me over & over and that she forbid me from attending her funeral. Her words escalated until I honestly couldn't take it anymore. 25 minutes into our visit I had to leave. I know she has dementia. I know she's sick. But her composure, the expression on her face, the way she glared & me, clenching her fists, the way she came up with the darkest most horrible things to tell me about what she thought of me as a daughter...it hit too close to home - too close to the things she's said to me in moments of anger throughout my life. I couldn't take it. So I stood up, told her I loved her and that I'd see her the day after tomorrow, and I walked out. I could hear her screaming for me as I walked down the hallway. Two nurses had to rush in to calm her. I can still hear her screeching my name in my head these hours later.
Honestly, this is all new to me. I've never had another relative with dementia and so I wonder, what do you do when you've reached your limit with the verbal abuse? How do you cope with this? Is there such a thing as boundaries when you're the caregiver of a dementia patient?
No one deserves to be verbally abused, there is no excuse for abuse, EVER.
That nurse is clueless. Ignore the ignorance.
You say that mom has always used you as her sounding board, do you really mean scratching post? Because they are vastly different and always being used as a scratching post means that you have been trained to take it, so you have to retrain yourself through mindfulness that you do not have to take it. You matter and your family matters, don't let her steal one more day from you. Let the pros handle her and let her reach out to you if she wants to see you.
I am sorry that you didn't have a mother's love. I think it is more common than we realize and it is tremendously sad.
Hugs!
I feel for you too and yes borderline personality is worse with dementia. But dam* those words cut.
At the very least you are, I don't want to say lucky, but for lack of a better word-you are lucky you can just leave her and walk away. Leave her to her miserable self and knowing she is being tended to by capable hands.
You are in my thoughts.
I know, you probably do this for yourself because she doesn't care. We all want to be loved but some people just don't know how to. They know how to take but not how to give.
I asked Moms neurologist do personalities change with Dementia. He said no. If they were mean before, they will be mean. If They were nice before, they will be nice. If they were nice before, but mean after Dementia, they were always mean just good at covering it up. Like said, if your visits effect Mom like this, stay away. The anxiety on her part is not good. And its not good for you. Check in if you want but I would wait before I visited again. Next time ask that an aide be nearby to see the transformation. When Mom gets started, tell her you are not taking the abuse and walk out. Don't come back for a week and try again. If she continues her abuse, I would tell the DON that your visits seem to upset Mom and you cannot take it, Dementia or not. So at this time, u will be stopping visits.
If not already, I would talk to a therapist. This was lifelong abuse and you need to heal yourself.
Dear, dear, sweet girl (I know you are middle-aged but that child within needed to hear this),
I am so sorry this is happening with your mother, but I am happy that she will be getting the care that she needs. It sounds as if your mother may have been mentally ill for some time, and now the dementia has worsened it.
I grew up with a mentally ill mother with Bipolar disorder. Back then it was called Manic-depression. While on medication, she was a loving, funny, nurturing mother, but at least 2 or 3 times a year she would go off her medicine and become a frightening, dangerous person. This happened with some regularity until as a family we took responsibility for her medication. While she also has dementia, she is not abusive or violent and her mental health has been very stable.
A child, or even a teenager, has nowhere to flee from the frightening behavior of a mentally ill parent......but you do. You asked what are my limits with verbal abuse? And yes, I don’t care if she has a broken brain from dementia or mental illness, it is still abuse to your spirit and your psyche especially when it comes from your mother. Yes, I have experienced that venom, and rage, and hate coming from my mother. As a child I had few options, but as an adult my limit is very short.
Years ago, during one of her psych hospitalizations, my mother said something to me that was so brutal and so hurtful that I got up and left. I did not return to visit again until she had been out of the hospital for some time and her medication was stabilized. I did not stay away to punish her but to give myself time to heal. We may cognitively know that someone is mentally ill, but words are powerful. It was the only time that my mother ever apologized to me.
My advice to you is to stay away until your mother is stabilized, especially if you are a trigger. Ignore the nurse or anyone who brushes off your attempts at self-protection. Give your mother some space. Call the nurse’s station before you visit to see how she is doing. Do not go unless the report is good. If, once there, she flies into a diatribe, or verbal attack against you, get up and leave. If you are a trigger, these scenes are harmful to you and her. Just know, you are not a trigger because of some fault within you, your mother is mentally ill and sounds as if she has been your entire life - the dementia has just exacerbated it. You can make sure your mother is well-cared for without putting yourself in the line of fire.
Even yesterday, before I left she threatened to harm me if I told anyone in the family that she was in a "looney bin." Dementia or not, she knew she was in a psych ward and didn't want anyone she knew to be made aware of that. She said to me that she wasn't crazy, I was just a evil bitch trying to kill her own mother. Then she told me that I deserved to be there - to be old and in pain. She didn't deserve it. She was a good person and deserved to have her life back. It was really messed up.
This is NOT “verbal abuse”. It is unfiltered dementia rage. She is not connected to what she is saying cognitively. It's part of your job as a caregiver to disregard what she says as being MEANINGLESS.
Think of this as BROKEN BRAIN, not sickness. Her brain cannot heal, and she is NOT criticizing or castigating you.
You handled this PERFECTLY, but whether or not you did, she will remain the same.
DON’T STAY beyond your comfort level, but again, whether you stay or go, she may or may not resort to negative verbal behavior.
If you decide you don’t want to visit, DON’T GO.
This certainly IS verbal abuse, "broken brain" or not, and nothing new to the poor OP. No treatment of this kind is meaningless to a daughter, no matter how sick her mother may be. Advising her not to feel "forced to leave because of what she says" is ridiculous, unless the OP is made of STONE!
If, after a couple of weeks of no contact, you'd like to give it another go, try going back for one more 10 minute visit. See how it goes. If she says ONE filthy thing to you, I'd turn on my heel and leave IMMEDIATELY and that would be it for me.
Just because this woman had sex one night and gave birth to you does NOT make her a mother. Mothers do not treat their beloved children like dirt, period. You deserve a lot better, dementia or no dementia.
Best of luck and please take care of yourself, ok?
If she's always been abusive, she's not going to stop! Abuse is unacceptable and she's got a facility that can care for her! As hard as it might be, you are probably better off either cutting ties or seriously limiting how often you see her and if she EVER gets abusive with you in the future, tell her that's unacceptable, then get up and leave! You're doing great! Please keep us updated, ok?
So would I. Why would you go back for more?! The definition of insanity is to do the same things over and over again while expecting a different result.
Why do you feel obligated to be part of her life still? She is mentally ill and never loved her own child and never will. You’ll have to let go of that hope that she will come around. People like her never should have had children. It’s not your fault. She is the one who missed out on life because she was so hateful. All the meds in the world won’t take away a heart full of meanness.
You’ve done all you can do. You’ve made sure she will be in a decent place and have basic needs met. It’s more than she deserves for sure. Stop visiting her.
In that case, consider staying away, for HER own good.
((((Hugs))))). This is one of those impossibly hard situations where it's really tough to tell what the right thing to do is.
But I would leave the minute she became abusive; I wouldn't let her build up a head of steam. Leave the second she gets ugly.
No one deserves this kind of abuse. It's bad for you and for her. Get up, tell her you love her and leave. Let the staff take care. The meds need a chance to work, I'm hoping.