Manipulative parent has used the pandemic as her excuse to once again lose all of her paid helpers.
She says she won't let anyone in the house that could give her covid. I have dealt with it since July last by picking up the slack, (grocery and scrip pickup and delivery, veterinarian for pet, housework like vacuuming etc no meal prep or dishes)
She has no intention of calling back in the last few helpers as now I do what they did.
I do not want to sweep and mop her floors, I do not want to wash her window exteriors.
How would you satisfy this situation without upsetting the applecart?
Thank You
"She says she won't let anyone in the house that could give her covid."
And what makes her think that you can't give her Covid?
Get an appointments diary. For the next couple of weeks, write down the tasks involved in supporting her so that you have a comprehensive list. Source tradespeople who can undertake them. Give her the numbers. Book your next time away and tell her when you're going (this particular trip could be hypothetical/conceptual, by the way. You don't actually have to show her the tickets and reservations, after all).
I have to say, I think you've allowed yourself to be suckered into your current position, and it is bound to be a little uncomfortable detaching from it no matter how delicate your approach. But this too will pass. Focus on the practicalities and just get it done.
I didn’t even realize the pressure that I placed on myself.
Sometimes we get so caught up in disappointing our moms or being afraid of backlash that we completely neglect ourselves.
We don’t need a long explanation explaining why we can’t go on helping out because it most likely will not be received well anyway.
So keep the message short such as, ‘This isn’t working out very well for me so I am no longer available to help you. If you like, I will help you make other arrangements.’
You have to have a backbone. It got so heated last visit that i changed my home bound flight and left early. DH and son got another week and it was hell for them. Nagging them to do all of the stuff i wouldn't, then criticizing the quality of the work done, AND expecting my DH to pay for a painter because they did not like the job he did. [he refused]
Your mom is bulldozing you - say "NO" politely. There are great licensed and bonded services that will be happy to do this work.
Your mother is using you. Inform her that you will continue after a contract is made and she will pay you the going rate ( not minimum wage, professional rate). See how fast she changes her mind.
Be firm but respectful. If she refuses to listen and tries manipulation inform her there will be no contact until she mature and apologize for her conduct and agrees to either pay you or shut up.
I'm content living my semi retirement exploring new places and coming back here on the regular, but I need to be able to leave for a few months at a time like before covid hit. Now that I have my residence separate from hers she won't even notice I'm gone except when she doesn't get her way... I'm going to wait for her to be fully inoculated and then make a flurry of phone calls, we will get the same aides or move on, either way a few weeks from now I'm taking a several week break from here
She sounds like my father. He complained to my daughter that I never 'visited'. She pointed out that I was there all the time. He agreed but said I was 'always doing things'. I was doing things because he put me to work the second I walked in the door. So I guess once you do chores it is no longer a visit. When I would get annoyed with all his demands he would actually say....wait for it..."I thought you needed something to do".
How nice that others can direct us to do things, like they are some kind of overlord!
When you are dealing with a self absorbed person who expects you to do those things without recognizing that you have your own home to take care of and may not have any desire to work yourself to death taking care of their home too...she is not going to take the news well. She will more than likely throw a hissy fit and you're just going to have to let her do it.
Just tell her you want to be her daughter, not her housekeeper.
Just find out how quickly CDC says the vaccine should build the antibodies. Mark it on your calendar and on that date you go over there and let her know it's safe to go back to the old routine.
If she goes off on you because of it, then ease her back in to having the helpers. Schedule the first one with specific duties and you continue with the outside tasks like groceries, Rx. After a couple of weeks add the next helpers.
The more contact I have w/Mom the more persistent she is with demands. The lockdown and her dr appts coincided so I missed the holidays home w/my partner.
I haven't been home since july, I cant wait to get out of here, but Mom says "you're leaving me high and dry"
I know it's coming, and I have run out of patience.
Covid has her thinking my presence is a given.
Again thanks for the ear and so many great ideas on how to make the transition upcoming seem more manageable
I would ask if she were "high and dry" before the virus, when she had in-home assistance. Three choices mom, resume in-home help, AL or do it yourself...
I will be available to support what I can, but I am not SuperWoman, I can't do it all. If I work myself to death or serious illness, where would you be then? Can't hurt to try to reason with her, but have plan B ready to go - call those prior aides and ascertain availability and vaccination status, get mom vaccinated and set the date. If the former aides are no longer available, take the time NOW to find alternates. Ensure they have been vaccinated and still follow protocols, and bring them in while you are still there. This will help determine if they are the right ones (not because mom accepts them, but because they do what they are hired to do, no matter what mom says or does!) There's no mention of dementia, so there's no reason to "coddle" her. Become less and less available, then go.
Have a general chat about how good it is to be able to get back to some levels of normality - and how much YOU are looking forward to being able to go back to your "normal" life. Tell her you will still be calling in as you did before but of course you won't be able to do things that covid has allowed you the time to do, and ask if she would like assistance in finding people to come and help her.
I guess what I am saying is talk to her with the assumption thing will go back to how they were and this is the normal situation and its good that it will be resumed, don't even entertain the idea that this is not the case, and if she pushes back then just say - it was only every a temporary situation and life has to go back to normal.
The fact that you worry about upsetting the applecart sugggests she is managing to manipulate you NOW, its up to you how much you are going to do and how strong you are willing to be. Manipulators like upsetting applecarts and pleading "poor me" - she'll get over it, just don't guilt yourself on whateveryou decide.
As long as you are doing everything for free and better, why would she pay for the helpers?
Also as others mentioned, find helpers who have been vaccinated and tell her you are busy.
Meanwhile, decide what it is you might still consider doing for her, even if only occasionally. It might be best to wait for the time it will happen, which won't give her time to plot excuses, get riled up or whatever. THIS is what it will be now mom, everyone is getting vaccinated and then getting back to the way things were, which includes me. I have a job to do, and will be required to be there, so I CAN'T be doing what your helpers did before. They will resume the old schedule starting on X day. IF she's going to continue ordering food and/or supplies and can't move the bags/boxes, then you need to tell her that she will have to order them so that they arrive on the days that the helpers would be there. Home deliveries can be great, but only if you can manage to bring it all in yourself or have someone dedicated to this task, NOT you! Some grocery items can't be left out, sitting for hours before being put away. Items can also be stolen.
Once you give the cut-off date, you'll have to stay strong and not give in if she does something dumb, like order when no one is there to bring it in or fires the help! If she fires them, have a list of agencies that hire people out, along with their phone numbers and leave that for her. You fired those wonderful people, you find a replacement through these agencies. I *CAN'T* do this anymore, I have obligations that must be met OR I've been run ragged and am ill, whatever you want to tell her, but don't buckle!
I do need to prepare for a new chapter in the terminal applecart saga
I could go out of town for anywhere from 3-6 weeks as soon as I get my vaccine and don't want to leave her in the lurch so preparation is key.
Waiting until she gets her 2nd vaccine to insist on getting help back in here makes sense, but I insist. The AL route is something maybe we hadn't considered well enough. I assumed an octogenarian would be able to accept there are things they will be without much of the time. Clean windows, polished floors, dusted pictures, this is where the difficulty arises. Knowing there will be clean sheets and clean clothes is one thing, having a housekeeper is another. Poor Mom gets the two confused. As long as the help comes back we're all good, Mom considers a 2 block walk with the dog, a quick vacuuming job, and various other chores 2 hours usually it is closer to an hour and the help is happy.
1 day a week each for 2 hours and they are marvelous help. The big house is shipshape with just a bit more help by asking one of the women if they want to stay an extra hour and mop etc, one of them would do it.
Now when I was on a job Mom used the pandemic as an excuse to quit using them and started using doordash etc...CC payment is key there you see...But of course we're still left with no in house help any longer and I'm about to be over it for good lol
As Beatty here says often, "There will be no solutions if you are all the solutions." Wait until 2 weeks after your Mom's second vaccine and tell her THEN that you are so relieved; that you didn't want to whine when really there was so little choice in keeping her well, but you are relieved now to be able to return as life as it was". Then do so. There will, of course, be complaints. You already understand that. When she whines it is simply a "so sorry it is difficult to get back to real life, Mom, but it is so lucky that we can".
If applecarts are upset then stop helping her to pick up the mess. Walk away.
Things will not open up over night. They have no idea how effective this shot will be. How long will it protect or longer term effects. We will still be wearing masks for a while and have restrictions.
Mom is going to realize that life changes. That u have your own life and she is not the center of it. Maybe she should consider an AL if she has money.
When I was in a busy time at work she held off for months sweeping and mopping her floors, until I instead of a helper could do it.
She naturally thinks that if I have time off, I should fulfill more than the small but significant role I generally serve being available for emergencies of which there were MANY! before I committed to being here part time. Now that her life is running good, she thinks I should just do more because WHY NOT???
I'm telling you, anyone as blessed as she has been, and still describes their experiences as being " being fed s#!& all my life" is in severe denial and not too lucid.
I just need a fool proof way of breaking the news that she is going to have to hire back her helpers without making a literally 3 or more month torture out of it.
All I want are the 2 women (still have their phone #'s) to come back to work, not to cause a ton of trouble.
You are giving your mother too much power. Do not give her a choice..just tell how it is going to be. If she wants something different then she will have to make it happen herself.
Don't give her a choice. Either she accepts outside help, or not; but you're availability is no longer going to be something she can rely on.
I suspect you're not going to be the only person who will be dealing with this scenario in the upcoming months. I imagine there are going to be quite a few of these conversations being held in the not-too-distant future.
And Barb is right - so what if she gets mad?
Do you mean that you can't bear the idea that manipulative mom will be upset, play the "poor me" guilt card, tell all the relatives and neighbors what a terrible child you are?
Do you want to live your life always in her thrall because making her upset or angry would be painful?
So, she gets angry. So what?
The world will not end.