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My Mom died 6 months ago. At first I was consumed by organizing the service and then handling her estate. Recently I've asked my siblings to step up and it's almost completely done.

My struggle now is how to move forward effectively. I've tried all the good things... going to the library, going to yoga, making a list of all the doctors and car appointments that I neglected, calling on old friends. I feel like my grand purpose in life died with my sweet Mom and I'm struggling to find another that will be less destructive to my own health and finances.

It was so easy to see the path forward when it came to caring for Mom. She was always the priority. At this point, with children grown and gone... it's difficult to know how to set life on a path forward that is constructive, healthy and gives back to the community. I am VERY reluctant to sign up for anything that would drive my health and personal finances back into trouble and I am still working to get healthy again. Struggling to sleep, imperfect eating habits and doing well with exercise (walking, weights and yoga).

Has anyone found a path that is reasonable, intellectually challenging and yet not too taxing after being completely exhausted by the caregiving that ended?

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My mother passed nearly 25 years ago. I was her caregiver at the end and I will never regret that time; we resolved so many issues and I know she passed in peace, and I know my dad and I gave her the best possible care we could. For the first several months after her death, I was sort of numb. Then I started having nightmares about her. Every stupid commercial made me cry. It was more than a year before I could think of my mom as I really knew her, not as I remembered her at the very end. Many years later, I am fulltime caregiving for an elderly dear friend, who has become like a second mother to me. I'd thought that I'd gotten over my mother's passing, until one day, I looked at this lady friend and cried about my mom.

So .. it doesn't really ever end. But .. I've lived well and happily in the meanwhile. And I know that when my friend's time is over, I'll probably find someone else to care for. It's in my blood, now.

For me .. I cry when I feel like it .. the rest of the world be damned. I'm a tear-bucket at movies and even still at some commercials. Honestly? I think it opened my heart just a little. I count that a good thing. The thing I had to do was: move. For me, it was dancing (I hate walking). Then some karaoke (when I still had a decent voice). I kept my mind active, too .. learning, reading .. all the stuff I never seemed to have time for before.

I'm sure you'll find your way. Talking about it helps more than you think, too. So, let us know how it goes?

Blessings...
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Yes, get out and volunteer to help others also so that you do not have the time to sit and cry over a lost loved one. Go now before your loved one dies!
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My Father passed away almost 3 yrs ago now... I miss him every day! He was an important part of my life. He was almost 86 yrs old and he had cancer. I was his caregiver with my Mom and my son who is a nurse too. Sometimes it is just almost overwhelming that he is gone. Then I try to be grateful and thankful for the time I had him and thankful that he is NOT suffering. I believe he is heaven and I will see him again. I would keep trying to keep busy if I were you and cherish your memories... take care
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My Mom passed twenty two months ago this week. I continue to grief and feel that I may have failed her - going over the should have done more, could have done more. I continue full time employment and my nieces/nephew and grand nieces/nephews keep me busy. In those alone, quiet moments I struggle. May God bless each of you. J
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Know that you are not alone, in fact everything I have experienced in the seven months since my mom passed, all say the same thing. It usually will hit you between four and six months. You never get over it, you learn how to live with it. If you have had hospice, they have a counselor you can talk to and we have group sessions here too. Unfortunately, I never took anyone's advice and took advantage of grief counseling. I thought I'd do just fine, I'm tough and I've been through the death of loved ones before. Well, I was very, very wrong. When the person you are the caregiver for dies, your every day purpose dies with them. I gave up everything to care for my mom. My older sister accused me of stealing my mom's money, my younger sister wanted her money NOW. Neither one had been heard from or seen while I was caring for mom. Anyway, I had a complete breakdown. You need to avoid that, you need to talk to friends and professionals, you need to really open up and get those feelings out. And then time will do the rest. Stop worrying and let time heal.
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Walk, walk, walk and volunteer where you will laugh. Perhaps around small children unless they are too noisy. They always make me laugh and laughter is the best medicine, it is said. Give yourself time to just figure out who you are now, and take each day as a new opportunity to explore your feelings. Take a trip (it doesn't have to be expensive), see new sites, and give yourself a pat on the back for having gotten through your caregiving. Congratulations!
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I lost my dad almost a month ago and I'm still trying to figure out what my life is supposed to be like without anyone to care for. While he was in a nursing home the last 6 months of his life I cared for him at home for 5 years. What no one tells you is that once your loved one goes into a nursing home the caregiving doesn't stop it just gets different. My life has revolved around my dad for years and now there's a huge void where that responsibility/obligation/priority used to be and I don't know how to fill it. But I'm not really trying, I guess it will fill itself in in time. I have been trying to appreciate having more time on my hands now, when I wasn't working I was visiting my dad at the nursing home.

I keep reliving the last 4 days of his life. They were horrific and when I think of my dad all I see is the way he looked that week. I can still hear his voice, whimpering to me, begging me to help him as I tried to calm him by stroking his head. He was like a child.

I wish I were 6 months away from this. It's still so new to me. I still cry.
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Well, I cared for my husband and my answer to this question is to get a CNS certifcate and find work in a nursing home caring for elderly people. It seems to be what that for which I am most suited.
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Hi Soozi,
Mostly, we need to overcome our grief in our own way, often with the help of friends, a spiritual leader or counselor. Then we remember the good, if we can, and while not forgetting the tough times, we gain perspective.

This article may help a little:
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiving-ending-after-death-148071.htm

Take care,
Carol
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My girlfriend said that when her father died, her mother looked and felt 20 years younger. That made me predict that when my mother died, I'd get "carded" again when buying alcohol. Mom passed away when I was 39. On my 40th birthday (amid constant reminders of such because it was within days of Super Bowl "40", I bought a small keg of beer.

The woman from behind the counter asked, "May I please see your I.D.?"

I had to keep from laughing. Mind you, my mom's death is nothing to ridicule. There are things I miss about her. Her controlling personality isn't one of them.

Have a cold one (it doesn't have to be alcohol) and celebrate the gifts your loved one gave you in life and toast the future and your own healing. (I also believe one's wounds are healed when they cross over, cheers to that too. Substitute customs appropriate to your own belief system here.)
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Grieving is a process... and it takes time which you know. When my Grandmother passed away(I was her caregiver) l had a very real pain in my chest for weeks. With my Father (I was his caregiver too) I had my Mom to care for. Give yourself some time and then do what feels right to you, you will know! Many nursing homes and assisted living facilities would be happy to have you volunteer! take care...
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I hope I can answer this in 6 months or a year. My husband died 6 months ago and I sure haven't got a handle on it yet.

One thing that helps some is having things scheduled. I have plenty to do -- that is never an issue. But if I don't get my papers organized this week they'll still be there next week. I can do laundry anytime. I'm much better off if instead of saying "I'll come over sometime next week and help you with that," I say, "I'll come over Tuesday about 1:30 to help," and put it on my calendar. Making dates to have lunch with friends is good, too. My mother (dementia) stays here once a month for a long weekend and that is hard but it also gives me some deadlines for certain household chores and a schedule (hers) to keep to for a few days.

As much as everyone says, "Give yourself time," I really didn't expect it to take this long!
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PatatHome01, thank you for replying to my post. At this point, I don't know how I would try to regain the life I had. The events leading up to me basically "quitting my Life" is very long. I made the decision to be my Mother's caregiver after disastrous experiences with two nursing homes, two adult care centers and a host of private caregivers. My Mom is a handful!! I don't blame her, I blame the disease of course. Since I moved out of state, I don't have any friends and the few family members nearby are not close with me or supportive for that matter. All of her legal matters are taken care of and money is not the issue. A sense of guilt and obligation is how I ended up like this. I don't blame anyone because the decision was mine to care for my Mom. I feel stuck because she is doing really well at home with me. The NH and adult day care facilities were a disaster for her and she deteriorated very quickly. I just feel stuck and consumed with giving her the best care possible. That, however, made me lose myself. I know this is a temporary stage in my life, but it has been hard with no physical or emotional support. It's just me. At this point in my life, I thought I would be traveling, which is what I enjoy more than anything. I guess that is what I will do when I can no longer be a caregiver. Anyway, I could write a book about my journey but I take comfort in knowing my Mom is getting the best quality of life given her situation and I know I am not alone in this caregiving journey. Thanks again for your thoughts. GOD Bless.
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Whitesage: I have one suggestion: no one should have to quit their jobs, especially during this terrible rescession. You need to take care of yourself. Can you afford to be unemployed or retire early?

I for one cannot; I am only 57, and during last year's unemployment, I took care of my 93-old mother after her back injury. If she could not walk, the family and would have placed her into assisted living sooner. This year, however I have at least a tempory job, a week into my new job, my mother got injured again. The family and I are looking into moving her from a nursing home into a board-and-care home. Mom worked and saved her money, so she is responsible for paying for her care that the family and I cannot handle anymore. If you do not set boundries and schedules to have a break and some fun for yourself, you are at risk of a burnout from the stress. We care for our loved ones but not to the extent that we must sacrifice ourselves to death. Take care of yourself, first. Do you have any family contact available? Please ask for help now before your mothers' condition gets worse. Does she have a revokable trust? Now is the time to help her set one up while she can still make some decisions and that you can get POA to carry out the financial tasks on her behalf. Please see and attorney for advise. All the Best to You!!

PatatHome01
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Sooozi~It is a process and since you have health concerns, focusing on this is first which you are doing. I also fear having this concern when my mother passes. This is what I would do...go back to what you like to do before you started caregiving. Such as did you enjoy crafts, knitting, crocheting? You could knit or crochet small gifts to give a nursing facility like lap blankets, booties. Take a drive to one of your favorite places to enjoy nature, take your dog with you, go on a simple hike. Are your friends from the past willing to get together for lunch or dinner, a movie? Do you like to play hostess, if so, plan a tea party with your friends, make different types of sandwiches and have your friends bring a favorite dessert with the recipe to share with everyone. If you are up to having fun, join the the Red Hat Ladies. As I said before, if you enjoy crafting, take a class at your local craft store.Most importantly take baby steps, enjoy your free time and getting your health back. It sounds to me like you are making progress. Hugs to you!!
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Take a trip somewhere you have always wanted to go. It doesn't have to be out of the country, just somewhere different. Maybe Santa Barbara, CA, for instance. Beautiful Spanish city with mission, botanical gardens, art shows on the boardwalk every weekend. Close to wine country. Have an adventure all for you;) Blessings to you as you grieve your loss, Dear One:) xo
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Hi Scoozi it's me Redplum(Arlene). I live in northern NJ near High Point state park. Sussex, NJ. where are you? thanks for the hug too. appreciate it.
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How about volunteering to read at your local grade school?
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Sooozi,...While I don't know what will work for everyone this is what I did when my Mother and Grandmother Passed within a year of each other. I have a big family 3 brothers and 3 sisters, so we all just talked, cried, and consoled each other... whenever we needed support......And we still do, to this day! I was told some years ago, that it will take a full year to even start to get back into the swing of things! So if you have some family or friends, and they are willing to hear you speak about your fears and frustrations, listen to you while you cry and hold you when you need a hug, then you are on your way to coping better. This was a godsend for me and my siblings. But you will have days after that you will suddenly feel that loss again. It's OK to mourn you have the right to, but you also need to know they are finally free from their constraints in this world and maybe, just maybe they will want you to be free from them as well? Sending you a hug, because I've been there and still have my moments when I struggle with the loss of 2 very important people in my life. Even if it has been a year....! You just need ...time. Stay strong and you will find your path, "everything happens for a reason", ...thats my motto! Good luck
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I lost my dad on Dec 12, 2007 and my father-in-law on May 5, 2013. I was caregiver for both. The best thing for me was to get out and take long walks. With summer upon us, there is new life everywhere. Our loved ones would never want us to "die" with them. They were grateful for all we did for them, and now they want us to go forward and have the wonderful life we deserve after the long years or months of loving care we gave them. I heard it said once concerning the loss of a loved one, "You don't get over it. You get on with it." Truer words were never spoken. There will be times you wil cry, and times when something said innocently will hit you like a ton of bricks, but there will also be times when you will once again be able to speak their name or title, and smile at the memory it brings. I will keep you in my prayers for emotional healing.
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Wow, what wonderful suggestions!

Thank you everyone. The most helpful are the ones who suggest going to senior centers and also just taking time for myself. I am trying hard to be sure to exercise every day, walking the dog, taking a local yoga class, something. I also spoke with a friend in my gym who suggested helping young children to read! I love that idea, as well as the idea of working with/for the elderly. I will check those ideas out.

Thank you again, and please keep the ideas coming... they are inspiring me to keep moving and to get organized ... and of course to think it's OK to rest too. :-)
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The most important thing now is get your health up to par, rest, find fun things to do...regain your life.....take care of yourself.
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Check with your local hospitals, churches and even the town newspaper for grief meetings. Your Senior Center may have a contact. It will be good to connect with others. One point that I have been told is that even reading a book can be impossible the first 6 months--your brain just isn't working. See if you can join a exercise group at a Senior Center or just start doing a daily walk--exercise will help. Walking around the block to start. God Bless.
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Why not volunteer at a Senior Center or local nursing home. There are plenty of areas you could help with. Bingo, reading books, running errands or just visiting with a lonely resident. So many of our residents don't have many visitors and they love when someone comes and chats. It can be as simple as that!
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I worry about that, too. A few years ago, I quit my job and moved to another state to care for my Mom. Now I am so wrapped up in taking care of her, I worry about how my life will unfold when she is gone. At this point, I have lost my friends, my identity, my interests, etc. I want to be proactive and start making changes in my life, but it is easier said than done since my Mother is in late stage Alzheimer's, and she requires so much of my time. I like others in my situation do not listen to the advice of taking care of my needs first.
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Could you maybe allow yourself to just rest for a bit?
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You might find help from your local Office of Aging or reading about Anticipatory Grief (for those who have yet to face the loss). There are bereavement groups in churches, too.
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I have not crossed the bridge of my mom passing yet...time is at the end...she is in a home as of now...but I have found that many there are very lonely and just need someone to come by, give a hug, bring a little gift of some kind...read to them, or just listen to them ramble on about the life they had. I don't know what I will do when mother is really gone...her body is still here but her thoughts are in her on little world. Yes she still knows me, but there is no conversation, no understanding....so I sit, I listen, and I love. Then I make sure I give attention to others who are there too, in that same state of mind. Give yourself the gift of helping those less fortunate...this is always a rewarding fulfilling life. Become a mentor for a child who has no one to care, there are 100's of them everywhere, just need someone to say, "I CARE"...the best healing agent in the world. LOVE is so needed for each one we come in contact with. blessings to you....I find myself missing my dad so much sometime....but he is well now, and I know he is watching over Mother too...enjoy the journey, life is short, make the time worthy by helping someone else. hope this helps...in my prayers.
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Find a local SENIOR CENTER or Adult Care Center and promote keeping client in the home vs Nursing Homes. Share yor expertise
Malden Senior
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Hi Sooozi
I am in the same boat you are in right now. I am looking forward to any suggestions. Where do you live? Maybe we can be friends and chat about our concerns? Let me know if you are interested in contacting me. Good luck.
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