I shared last week an issue with my SIL and brother. Now their behavior has changed and they are requesting that I travel from DC (a COVID-19 hotspot) to Houston to help care for my mother. This is after very hurtful and violent verbal abuse over text and a phone call. The care manager I work with will visit my mom to help me plan rather than me immediately getting on a plane in the middle of a pandemic. I am wondering if there are healthy ways to respond to my brother and SIL given narcissistic rages and this new request for me to help? The request is for me to come home now. Prior to the pandemic, they rejected efforts for a care home, given that mom is a fall risk. One button that gets successfully pushed is me helping Mom and wanting to be as responsive as I can be.
What is healthy is to set boundaries and respect yourself and your needs as well as providing for your mother as you can. You are doing that via a care manager. Good for you!!!
There are healthy ways to respond, but a healthy relationship is not possible with unhealthy people, in my opinion and experience. So keep your distance emotionally and physically, detach from their demands, and continue on the path you have planned which is a good one. ((((((hugs))))))) I know it is hard dealing with narcissistic relatives.
And I say this as kindly as I can: you expressed the core issue of the situation very well: "One button that gets successfully pushed is me helping Mom and wanting to be as responsive as I can be."
Beyond agreeing with others that it's inappropriate to travel now, the ability to manipulate and put you in a compromising or defensive position suggests to me that this is a lever, and a powerful tool, that they'll continue to use.
I do know that feelings of guilt can arise from not being present on the scene. Do you think this is what they're doing, capitalizing on your distance from your mother?
I would discuss this with the care manager and get a professional opinion, but traveling now would not benefit either you or your mother healthwise if she's getting decent care now (and I know nothing about this situation, so this is merely a speculation),.
I can certainly understand the pressure of feeling the need to be closer to your mother, and unfortunately this is a time when traveling is far from safe, so that could increase the guilt feeling and give your brother more leverage over you.
Unless your brother and SIL are sending specific texts that have specific answers "did you send mom her pralines, she said you didn't" - "Yes, I did, here is the tracking number and the front desk signed for them", simply don't respond. You don't have to respond to vitriol. I would avoid all phone calls since they can get out of hand so easy. Selfish narcissists always, ALWAYS have to have the last word so no matter how the discussion starts, they won't let it go until they think they have won. It was a hard but valuable and successful lesson I learned during a very ugly divorce years ago. I avoided initiating all contact unless it involved one of our children and then I would email a very quick, neutral sentence. He would usually respond with pages of rage and name calling. It took everything I had to ignore it. Many times I would 'reply' in a blank email and then delete it, taking care that I could never accidentally send it. He continued to behave like a child and I felt more in control and grew in my own self-esteem every day.
Don't allow them to use you to fill whatever voids they have. Stay HOME and coordinate with the care manager. You won't do your mom any good if you end up a statistic.
My opinion: don't go. Tx is currently experiencing a big outbreak. If your mom passes, she has lived a good life but will avoid the horrible end game of dementia - the immobilization, lack of communication, and lack of bodily control. If you are there in person, there's nothing you can do to help that someone else currently close by cannot do better. If your mom is close to death, hospice should asses her, not you.
I see this as a manipulative move by SIL to bypass your "no." If you consider your "no, I can't possibly do that" to be final, stick by it. You can visit mom by FaceTime with the Care Manager.
Nicole - can you get an opinion about your mother's current state of health from her doctor or someone who doesn't have a vested interest in you going there?
No is a complete answer.
Tell him he has two choices:
1) Mom goes into a facility
2) He is welcome to remain there and care for mom because he made a choice to move in with mom so that she would not go into a facility.
They could arrange more care through the Care Manager themselves (or with you as a team) then leave. Right?
That would be the common sense/adult thing to do. What am I missing?
After your last reply, I was thinking how lucky we are here, with 102 deaths from a population of 25 million. Proportionately, that would be 400 deaths from a population of 100 million, 1200 deaths from a population of 300 million. I can’t begin to comprehend 100,000 deaths from your own 300 million population. I am so sorry for what you have all been going through, on top of the normal trials of life.
On my Mom’s care, I repeated that I want to communicate about next steps if Mom’s care needs changing. I’ve experienced angered responses when I try to offer suggestions including caregiver support. So I try to stay in the moment, observe their actions and statements, and support next steps like more care if it’s too much.
Ugh. How did she arrive at that recommendation?
Sounds like BIL and SIL haven't been married that long? The caregiving is undoubtedly putting a huge stress on their new marriage, and that may be what is driving a lot of the anger towards you.
From an earlier post: "She stated she had given up her life and I am ungrateful."
Your mother needs a lot of care (info from your profile). While BIL doesn't want her in a facility, you are open to that (right?). He decided to care for her, and so you were not a part of that decision, so it is not your responsibility to facilitate making his bad decision work.
It is not safe for you to travel (you are coming from a hot spot), nor for your mother for you to be with her. Travel is supposed to be avoided.
Who is your mother's POA? HCPOA? How long would it take for her to become Medicaid-eligible?
Brother and SIL made a choice to keep mother in her home knowing she requires care after I suggested a care home.
Her Medicaid application is pending. My understanding if she’s hospitalized there could be a process of her going to rehab and hopefully escalating the Medicaid application. I also took out a short term disability policy that goes in effect in August.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with you deciding that your mom needs outside care and that you are not going to become her final, full-time caregiver. Listen to your heart. Offer only what you want to do; not what you feel obligated to do. You can feel comfortable about your decisions. Your brother and sister-in-law can have their own thoughts and opinions, and you can not change them. Do not do anything to pacify someone else if it is not what lies in your heart to do. It sounds like you know what you want to do and what you don't want to do. You can clearly communicate what you will do for Mom, but you don't need to defend yourself. If you find things get out of control with phone calls (narcissism) then say you prefer texts or emails. Just because your brother decided to "come to rescue" and now finds himself in over his head, it is not your problem. He has to learn to be comfortable with the fact that Mom needs a different living situation - instead of trying to ease his conscience by getting YOU to fly there. Just remember, stand up for what you believe is right in your heart, but come to terms with the fact that you can't change others' thoughts - so don't try.
Now if SIL was writing here... "stepped in to take care of my MIL temporarily, find it's too much, need to back out". What would we all advice her? Pushback to the blood relative - her spouse. And so she has by the sound of it. And brother then pushed back to POA, his sister (OP). POA says time for a care home. So a plan is set... until.
Bro says STOP, no NH! He doesn't want that for his Mother.
So he needs to find an alternative. So far this has been to use his wife & try his best to bully his sister into flying into town.
The problem is here. With the brother's thinking - that he gets to direct others to do what he wants them to do.
He can't see it. It may be possible to start a fresh dialogue with SIL ??maybe?? IF she is reasonable? Gently point out the sticking point is actually her husband. But I think I would lean on the Care Manager & start the Care Home direction instead.
Any updates for us on your situation with your mom in Houston? I’m so glad it looks like they will miss Christbal activity. Of course there are many more to come. Did she flooding during Harvey? I hope you all continue in safety.
The APS case worker encouraged me to travel to Houston so I could enter the home and take my mother for a medical evaluation. I flew out the next day. (side note: if you have to fly my tips are 1) first flight of the day 2) wear a face shield (you can buy them online) 3) don't eat or drink in the airport).
I went to the family home and took my mother to her childhood home where we are currently staying. My B and SIL harassed me for weeks to "bring my a*s home" to take care of my mom" so they could return to their own home. I have done that and they refuse to leave my mother's house. So I am caring for my mother in her family home until the APS case is resolved. I can work from Houston for the summer, since my office likely won't reopen until after Labor Day. Fortunately, I'm showing no signs of the virus. But Houston is a hotspot and I have to be even more careful here. I will be touring care homes the first week of July and hope that APS and the care manager can offer guidance to balance my mother's wishes against what creates a safe and healthy quality of care in this season of her life.