Is there anyone out there besides me who wishes their mother would die?

I'm in your same situation. I attribute treating us, the caretakers, badly and the ones who ignore her as her dream children is a form of mental illness. Personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder (there's plenty on that with mothers!). You might want to read a bit on that, except be forewarned they often recommend - rightly so, I think - that you break all contact with the person.

The suffering... I hate the suffering. My dad knew he was sick and dying and within 3 weeks it was over, very quietly and only with about 36 hours of limbo before passing. My mom-6 years into suffering. At first the amount of suffering it was causing me and my family- I'm still raising my own kids, my parents were much older than me- was the unbearable part. Being in prison, shackled, being robbed of the life I thought was meant for me and wished for me by the very woman now taking it from me. And yes, I pray every day now that God would just take her to where the suffering ends- but now it's because I cannot stand to watch HER suffer. The first 5 years, she wasn't really dying or sick- just selfishly demanding of me. Now- she really is sick- and wishes she could come back to my house and have what she then complained was a horrible life as she now realizes it was the best, most worry free years of her life. She is trapped in dementia hell- but the kind that she is aware of- yet haunted with hallucinations, loss of motor skills and kidneys failing- a whole host of things. She is just well enough to call me all day everyday to bring unreasonable things and I do all her laundry which now consists of wanting fresh bedding to match her mood every other day... my husband and I barely get to change our own bedding any more for all the laundry (and oh yeah, we work). I assure you these feelings are normal but it's like anything- kept inside I will control you, so for me- finding this forum has possibly saved my life quite literally as there are days I do not think I can bare another day- and here there are people who understand and aren't judging you for your human feelings. I made promises I couldn't keep when I was as young as 5 when she told me it was my job since I was the youngest to care for her. I am freeing my own kids already from that burden by putting things into place, so if nothing else, the lesson I have learned will impact my kids positively and break this cycle of guilt and resentment that I am held under like an iron fist. At the end of the day- I just want her to feel peace. She hasn't had that in a long time and she can't stand to not force me to live in her state of unrest no matter how big or small. She was an active, full of life woman until about 6 years or so ago... I know her younger self would not want this for her quality of life so I just hope she settles whatever matters are still wrestling in her soul so she can pass peacefully, not afraid, in pain and paranoid... and I hope that I don't keep losing my own health with her as I truly believe there was a time that isn't what she wanted for me. God's will. That's all we have.

It is like a deep well of sadness that THIS is who I have become; a frazzled, overwhelmed daughter with two jobs, two kids, and a mother who although immobile on one side with increasing demetnia seems like she will outlive me at this rate. May we all feel comfort in knowing we are not alone in this.

I can relate to all of you. I often wish my mother would die.
At one time she was quite ill and I moved to Oregon to help out. She has some moibility problems but is quite healthy otherwise.
My mother has npd/bpd and thinks and treats me as her slave all the while ruining my reputation, lies constantly to me, about me. Shes never at fault for anything and finds a way to scapegoat me. She trianglates stories, tells anyone who will listen, that Im jealous, stealing, planning to steal. Anytime i set boundries, im mean, nit pics, nothing is good enough, puts on that I have chip on shoulder, controlling. Pits her childern against each other. When confronted, always makes herself victim. Has accused me of making passes at my stepdad. Ive told her there isnt any reason why she cant do anything for herself, im not waiting on her. She tells others she is helpless, invalid. She has and will sabatoge anything I am planning to do or want to. I tell her nothing anymore. Shes relentless. She insists on drving and has had accidents, runs red lights and insists its someone elses fault. She is impossible. She refuses to bath and hasnt for over a year. Claims intense fear to be alone, i think she is faking it. Told me that Im not intilted to any personal life. I can go on and on. Tries to use fear to manipulate and control.
Im angry all most of time. She has told me my needs and wants are insignifcant.
I am financially stuck here, till i find another job.
Right after u moved here i relized shes an npd.
When I do leave, i will have go no contact.
I cant stand her, i will help out for my stepdad, but i dont owe anyone my life because of her sense of entiltement. Obviously, she doesnt care nor has she ever nor will she. Its all been a lie and its only about her.

I see I originally posted here in August, 2013. My mother had been a mean, evil and generally nasty woman her whole life and with increasing dementia (which she'd had for years) things got even worse., screaming phone calls every day, demanding and berating at every visit and trying to get my home address ... that wasn't happening or she'd have sent the cops around.

One day there was a ministry inspector at the NH. They attend yearly and pick 3 people to ask if they have any concerns, meaning about the home or their care. Mommie Dearest said yes, I don't know where the money went from the sale of my house ... she was kept up to speed throughout the whole process. That brought the government down on my head like I was a common criminal. Of course I presented paperwork showing where the money was invested and that was the end of that

Due to all the stress I blacked out doing 85 in my truck. It only lasted a few seconds but it was a wake up call. It was many weeks before I felt confident enough to drive anywhere but the tiny nearby village. I changed my phone number and made it unlisted so she couldn't get at me any more though I continued to run her errands, filled with dread for a couple of days before and drained for a couple of days after. I have carpal tunnel and went to the doc to see about getting my hands fixed but my blood pressure was dangerously high ... go figure! I was supposed to go back for a recheck and, if it was still, high, get some meds (which I hate the thought of).

She passed on September 12, 2015. I was so happy she'd gone and a lifetime of nightmare was finally over. The palpitations and thundering stomach 24/7 quickly went away. I'm getting my life back together and I've decided to take a few months to recover. I live in the country with 2 dogs and 4 cats and will spend the next while organizing my tiny home and planning veggie gardens for spring.

I'm an only child and friends are mostly far away. I get invitations but Christmas will be just me and my beloved critters, peace and quiet, wood stove going, a nice meal and watching old movies. This Christmas is ours, free of the terror once and for all.

Lady, it sounds like time to move your mother somewhere else. From what you wrote, you've had it up to here with her. See if you can get a social worker in to help you find a better place for your mother. You've given it all you can and it just isn't working. She sounds like a very unpleasant person to be around.

Ladye - you are mad enough to do her in - don't do it of course - but why does she still have her hands in your piggy bank? Uh-uh. She quits spending your money that you don't have or you have her evaluated for a guardianship. Change your account numbers and get her name off if you have to.

Believe me I know what your feeling........my 81 mother lives in my home with me at 63....she is an alcoholic 2 gallons of vodka a week and oxicodine 90 pills a month.......and she is in a wheel chair on her own accord when therapist was coming she would use her walker now he does not come she can't do anything and i mean anything., I cook clean laundry bathe do her hair nails you name it i do it.......and its hard on me. I go to bed at night with such back aches praying that she would die or have a stroke to go to a rehab....for the rest of her life.....her bed room is near mine and she has tv so loud at night hard for me to sleep. If she is running out of her oxicodine near end of month its my fault because doctor cut amount from 120 to 90....but her finances she tells everyone she is her own guardian...but she is running up my bills to the point I can't afford it. I have 5 brothers and sisters and none of them will help. I can';t take it anymore....I even have thought of fixing her meds so she will dies...or add some kind of chemical to her vodka to kill her........I am going insane !!!!! She lives on negativity, this is not just age that has done this she has been like this her whole life.......GOD help me for how I feel.

Where are your friends? This is when we need friends. You do not need them to come to her funeral, or to bring a bag of fried chicken for the repast--you need them now. Try to reevaluate your friendships. When they ask what can they do--tell them to come sit with her for 2 hours while you get out the house.

No, you are not alone or even crazy for wishing your mother were dead. AND not a bad person - I thought I was horrible when that thought crossed my mind...

I went to my preacher with the same question.

No, you are not a terrible person. You don't really want her to die - you want her to no longer be suffering.

If she weren't sick or needing all of this, you would not be wishing she was dead...

and that's it - at least for me.

fost40 Everytime I heard someone elderly parent has died, I totally envy them. I used to wish my mom would die so I can have my life back (she has dementia and need constant care), now I'm afraid I wish she'd die so I can have a choice between continue to live or simply end it all. Hopefully when she really dies, I'll choose the former

I understand your feelings. i have a 98 yr old auntie, 88 yr old dad with alzheimer and an 82 yr old mother. i often resent my friends that parents have already passed away

Arlene, you started your post correctly - you are heartbroken. The point I want to make to you is that feeling grief for your mother's sad deterioration is natural and right. But then you get diverted to guilt, to the wondering if everything could have been different if you'd make different choices.

I'm not sure this will help you because sometimes nothing anyone can say really changes how one feels; but you were right, the social workers are right, and the fact that your mother - even if reluctantly - did agree to the move to residential care shows that at bottom even she knew you were right: that in the circumstances at the time, you could not have brought her home and ***even if you had*** she would still have grown older and more frail.

What you feel is sadness. You have no cause to feel guilt.

So from here, just do what is still possible. Her hair and nails should still be nice - discuss grooming with the staff, explain to them how important her appearance was to her, ask them (very nicely of course) to take a little extra trouble to help her. When she repeats herself, remember that useful phrase 'deflect with humour' (and, I'd add, with affection). Incontinence does break the spirit of all concerned, but the more relaxed you can be about it the less shaming it is for her. No, it's not nice, but it isn't something she can help - show her you understand.

Guilt won't help her. Dignity, though, is about how others treat her - that's worth fighting for! Hugs to you.

I am heartbroken. I have been divorced for about 20 years and was left with two children to take care of. My mother moved in with me to assist me not only with my children (especially my younger daughter) as well as financially. We struggled financially but managed. My son moved out to live with his girlfriend at that stage and it was the three of us left. Very upsetting for me as he was only 19. My mom and I lived together for about 15 years until I met my current partner. The four of us actually moved into the current house we are living in and I didnt notice the downward spiral of my mother until now. Looking back I realised what was happening to her. My partner and I went on holiday overseas and my mom didnt look very happy about it. She was acting very strange then. My mom was driving at that stage and while we were away on holiday she had a terrible accident (went through a stop street and didnt know why she went through the stop street) and wrote off her car but Thank G-d she came through it with a broken pelvis. When I got back from holiday I applied for her to got into a home as I am working all day and also have a part time job in the evenings. She got better and learned to walk again and wanted to come home but due to circumstances I couldnt bring her home as there was no one to look after her. She was transferred to residence and she seemed happy there but physically and mentally she just got bad. Her mental and physical health deteriorated. She is now in the frail care. She shuffles when she walks (walking with a walker), he repeats herself and is totally incontinent. The problem is that she knows that she has messed herself and she knows what has happened. I think she is ashamed to admit it and hates being cleaned up. This is not my mother - she was an independant and active lady who was fastidious with herself - her hair and nails always had to be done and dressed nicely. I feel that this is not living and she has no dignity anymore. I have the guilt that perhaps I should have brought her home and this wouldnt have happened - although the social workers at the home said this would have happened anyway.

missCinderella1: God bless you as you take care of gma, five years is a very long time for someone so young as you to care for anyone like this. Having a baby to care for is going to be hard on top of caring for gma. You may have to look into other arrangements as this could go both ways. GMA may absolutely love the baby and find a new reason for living and then they also get upset by crying or screaming or little kids running around, so you will have to watch.

I liked what you said about gma being able to die and be with her family in a better place. I feel the same way and then sometimes I realize it is the only way I will ever get my own personal life back as well. None of us would ever wish someone dead, although we may say it in the heat of any argument, but when our parents or grandparents keep saying they want to die, I just hope God is listening and grants them their wish. For those in pain, I honestly feel that they should have a right to end it when they are ready. My father was ready and he thought the doctor could just give him a shot, it took about 8 days with him on Morphine.

Take care and God Bless you!

Right on Sunflo! The only difference is that my mother has never been happy her whole life, nothing and no-one was ever good enough. Outsiders don't see the real person because they put on a "show time", then sink back to who they really are once an outsider has left, leaving us to deal with the nightmare alone.

After my dad died in 1998, when she was fit, well and had a car, I encouraged her to get out, volunteer, go do something but nope, her life revolved around shopping, the library and walking her dog in the park. She had no friends, having alienated most all of them and fought with the neighbours wherever she lived. One time her house was "egged" and it wasn't even Halloween.

Speaking of dogs, many years ago she got a puppy weiner dog and insisted it slept in the bed. My father said no, no dogs in the bed, so she moved herself and the pup into the spare bedroom. For the last 12 years of his life my poor father slept alone and went everywhere by himself. After 50 years of busting his chops to give her everything, he died a lonely, broken man. He was a wonderful man and every time it crosses my mind I feel pure hatred for her..

I understand perfectly. They direct all the vitriol from their unhappy and sad circumstances (old age) onto those they love or closest to them, or taking care of them and looking after their interests. It's thankless for sure. My mom takes out all her frustrations on me while being kind and friendly or bragging on a neighbor or store clerk or doctor and how great they are and all they do for her....I've had other friends say the same about their elder...taking all the crap, while non-relations are praised.

Yes it hurts.

My mom won't accept any help, assistance but calls me for every issue as if I should resolve all the big stuff because I'm her daughter. I get all the grief and anger and others or my brother who has nothing to do with her or even a phone call is praised or excused.

We both wish it were over. She's terribly unhappy, lonely and unwilling to change her circumstances. I often envy when someone tells me their parent has passed. I honestly pray for that release for my mom and our family. I know she is ready to go as well.

My gma wants to die. She's a Christian and she's ready to go to a better place, I understand. I don't like hearing it all the time.. I'm 23 she's 87 and I've been her care giver for five years.. she just wants to die and I'm pregnant about to have my baby I want to bring life in and she just wants to die its depressing hearing it almost everyday. But when she does die ill be happy because she can go see het loved ones and she will finally be at peace and be happy.

((((((((((((((sherry))))))))))))) I am so glad that this all worked out for you and your mother. What a blessing! Great that you have shared. It should give others hope. Thank you!

All, I wanted to tell you how much your words have meant. My Mom is now in hospice care at a really wonderful facility. They are working with me to find a nice and safe long term care facility for her. She has started eating and taking her medicine again. She is actually smiling, laughing and talking again. We talked about what had happened with a kind Rabbi today (we are not Jewish, but he really knew exactly what to say), and he helped us talk things out. He asked me what the real problem was and I talked about my guilt about my Mom not eating. He asked me if I understood that it wasn't my fault, and then my Mom told me it wasn't my fault. She said that she had been so scared about going to AL, but didn't talk to me about it and then did this, and that was her fault for doing that. The Rabbi asked her if she knew she was forgiven and that she would go to heaven and she told us both that she did. That was really important to me because Mom has told me she was going to hell for what she had done (destroying her own body). She told me today she was right with God and that she was ready. I told her that I was ok with it as long as she was right with God, that if she needed to go it was ok, and that I understood and would be ok. I told her that I knew a lot of what had happened was because of her illness and I forgave her, and it didn't matter. She told she knew she couldn't go back, and I told her that no one can do that, but that she could go forward. She said that she understands now and wished she had realized how nice a place like the one she is in could be. She told me that she wanted to live and that she would try. I told her that was all I asked. It is still really hard, but I know I have done the right thing by my Mom. I know that I have only done what was best and that there should be no guilt for her or myself. I feel like now that my Mom can go in peace and I can live in peace. All of you have helped me find some peace. If you are taking care of a loved one for a day, a month, a year, or 10 years please know that you are showing more love in that timeframe than most people ever experience in a lifetime. Also know that sometimes love is about being able to say enough too. We all want the very best for our loved ones, and sometimes it is not in our power to do that for them ourselves, and that is truly ok. We do not, any of us, owe our lives to anyone, but God. We do have a right to live, and have joy, and give joy to others. Each and every person has the right to determine for themselves how they live and how they die. It is hard to be able to let my Mother go, but I can do it now. I have the strength because my Mom gave me the best gift any Mother ever could, she gave me the gift of faith. She has always been the person I looked up to because of her unbelievable faith no matter how much was wrong with her, what diagnoses she received or what curve balls life threw at her. She lost it for awhile and that scared me more than anything ever has. I am so happy that she found it again. I'd like to think I helped a little with that. I also hope that my words will help all of you lift your spirits that need it as you have lifted mine.

Yes, we think she has a herniated cervical disc. She's seeing her doc Friday and he'll probably order an MRI...funny that I also am having an MRI for my neck because my arm is really weak...

Smithy, is she trying medication for the pain? Pain meds usually work for arthritis, is it possible she has neuropathic pain going on? Aka complex regional pain syndrome...

Sherry it is not your fault! So many things are contributing to your mother's actions, but you making a rational suggestion of her going to AL is not a CAUSE of her actions. Even if she says it is, she herself is the cause of her actions as well as her illness. Please do what feel right that is within your power and let the rest go to God.

Yes, I have wished several times that mom would just die and go to heaven...sometimes it's just TOO MUCH to take, especially for HER...she is in constant excruciating arm and shoulder pain from arthritis and all she does is suffer...is that a way to live? Would God want her to suffer every day? It's hard to watch her pain continue unabated day after day...I feel so bad for her...helpless really as she does too. I am completely depleted emotionally and physically...

I feel for everyone of you going through this. I am just in the beginning stages of having a mom who will be in need of care. At this point she IS capable of living independently but just doesn't want too. My gut tells me having her in our home would not be in any ones best interest and have been having the guilts. I am so glad I found this site because so many others have these people with halos walking around and putting down people who are not cut out for the job. Not for nothing I have enough resentment going on right now towards her as I have too much on my plate to take on her care unnecessarily which she is WELL aware of. This site gives me the strength to trust my gut and look for other options. No one deserves to endure what you do. I had no idea so many people were living in these unbearable situations. I'll be putting this issue in my daily prayers. May you all find peace & respite.

Sherry, you must be hurting terribly. You were not wrong to want to have a vacation with your husband, not to take one! Your mom is either a very spiteful person or a very depressed one. Maybe you can get some help for her, medically, if it is the latter. You can tell her that it is absolutely unbearable to think that just suggesting assisted living made her too depressed to eat, that you never thought it would because you thought her life would be better and you would never have abandoned her there, just seen that she got better care; that you love her and cannot stand by for her to deliberately let herself waste away and die this soon. You then insist that she sees a doctor about this. If it hurts to eat or swallow sometimes just treating reflux or some other conditions makes that better.

Now if it turns out that it is time for hospice due to a worse medical condition, the that is a sad time but not a guilty time for you....and Ellie, I have to say Sherrie is right...caregiving seems to be the most loving thing you can do and you can anticipate it as a giving back time of joy in your relationship, but sometimes it does not work that way. If you stay and look around on here more, you will read the stories of people trying very hard to love and care for people who no longer (or maybe never did) return anything but criticism and complaint.

It is really easy to say that you would care for your Mom. It is not so easy to do it. I have actually been taking care of my Mom for over 10 years, just not all of them in my home. If you think for a minute that it doesn't completely you drain you of everything you have an then some, then you are sadly mistaken. I have done the best I can, and I strongly resent you indicating otherwise. I miss my Mom too because with Alzheimers and dementia she had been gone a long time. If you don't know what you are talking about don't open your mouth.

you sad people my mum died on my birthday I was 24, I would love to be able to look after her and care for her as she got older I didn't get a chance, I miss her so much, x

My Mom has been living with me for the past 2 1/2 years. At first it wasn't so bad, it was inconvenient, but we were able to give her a nice comfortable life, so it was worth it In the last 6 months we have had turnover, after turnover of caregivers for my mom while my husband and I have worked, and she has been getting worse.. My Mom has alzheimer's and parkinson's and has not been able to stay alone for some time. I am exhausted from trying to make sure she is taken care of and my health which was not good is getting worse. My husband has been a real trooper, but it has worn him out too and it is affecting our relationship. I love my Mother so much and I had hoped we could take care of her longer, but realized that it wasn't working anymore and that I was beginning to really resent her. looked for and found a couple of really nice assisted living homes. I told my Mom that we needed to a nice place for her this and tried to explain it. I took her to visit a couple of the places, but nothing seem to make her happy. She had seemed to be getting a little better with PT, but that all started falling apart. We got through Christmas with everything seeming to be ok, and then my husband and I just spent two weeks in Hawaii on vacation with his family right after Christmas. During the time we were gone my Mom decided to stop eating and taking her medicine. We have had her in the hospital twice now, once before we left and once while we were gone, but it hasn't done any good. At this point she truly believes she is dying, and maybe she is, I don't know. I feel like all the air is being sucked out of my body. I have pleaded with my Mom to try and get better, but she just says she can't, that she can't do anything, that it's too late. She told our current caregiver that she wants to die at home. I cannot do that. I cannot watch her not eat and not take her medicine and die before my eyes. She pleads with us now not to make her eat and drink. I don't know anymore what the right thing to do is, but I know that I cannot allow this to go on. The saddest thing is my Mom now thinks she's going to hell because of what she had done to her body and I can't convince her otherwise. I am sad to think she is dying like this, but some part of me just wants this to be over. She told me she started this because I told her about assisted living, but at this point she can't stop it. Now I am living with the notion that if I had never brought it up this wouldn't have happened. Another part of me believes that if she really is dying it's because it's her time and nothing I could or would have done would change that. I need to hang onto that thought. I need it to be true.

Sounds like you are under the thumb of two very narcissistic women. All I can say is lay down the law or get away from these evil women asap! You are worth so much more and if you continue you will get really ill, maybe have a stroke or heart attack. Will they look after YOU??? I doubt it.