I was born in a small Eastern European county but moved to the USA while my family stayed back home. I visited regularly for the past 20+ years, skipping only last year due to COVID.
In the last few years I noticed that my Mom's memory started to decline, but she was coping just fine, perhaps it helped that Dad was around. She cooked, shopped and cleaned just fine, and chatted with me regularly twice a day. She could solve a whole crossword puzzle and her handwriting was still very good.
Then my Dad died - about 3 weeks ago. I came to handle the funeral and stay with her for a few weeks. She was under immense stress and sleep-deprived, but she pulled through the first week. Their local hospital had just received a batch of Pfizer/Comirnaty vaccine, so I jumped on the opportunity and got her vaccinated with the first shot. She had a sore arm the following day, and I was happy that was the extent of the side effects for her.
But in the next following days she deteriorated tremendously memory-wise. She all of a sudden couldn't put words together, couldn't finish a sentence, started walking and talking very slowly, sleeping for 15 hours a day, and her hands got shaky. She forgot how to make the bed and how to cook, and most of the time was just staring into space without focusing on anything. I was concerned it was a stroke and took her to her family doctor - he said no stroke. I then took her to local neurologist and they confirmed no stroke and loosely diagnosed her with mild dementia, possible Alzheimer's. They ordered MRI scan to confirm but it's not available in our town, and traveling to a big city is not an option.
I searched the Internet for possible side effects from covid vaccine, and came across a similar case https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/ggi.14163
Over the next week she slightly improved, and started walking with a normal speed. Her speech improved, too, however, her thoughts are still cloudy and she can't fully express herself or speak in long sentences. She doesn't have much of an appetite and persuading her to eat is a nightmare. She can't solve a crossword puzzle anymore, and she can't read past a few sentences. She also has problem with counting - she can add small numbers, but can't subtract. She also seems to get worse/more confused around the bed time.
I came to conclusion that her temporary decline was caused by her 1st shot, and I decided not to take her for her 2nd. It seems that she recovered from this "delirium", albeit not fully.
She is aware her memory fails her, but insists she can manage and is not open for any hired help or assistance. She has no friends left, so she is pretty lonely.
The healthcare system in this country is not designed to handle mental health, and the local hospital doesn't have resources and training to diagnose, treat or provide care for dementia. There are no assisted living communities or memory care establishments here. There are only psychiatric wards and nursing homes that are dreadful. I am unable to move her to the US to live with me, and I can't abandon my family to move back with her to provide care. She is about to turn 76 and I am 43.
I hired 2 ladies to come by twice a day to bring her food and check on her. They will be willing to extend their hours if need be. I have hard time convincing my Mom to accept this assistance as she is so against it. Every day I have to re-convince her, as she forgets. I also am looking for a device to shut off her stove, as this is my main concern that she will fall asleep and leave her stove on. I also signed her up for online banking so I can remotely pay her utility bills. I normally Skyped with her twice a day, and am planning to keep doing it once I get back home to the US. I need to leave next week as I cannot overstay my visa requirements and I am petrified to leave her alone. I will be back in 6 months. I guess what I am looking for is - any other DIY advice when common resources are not available? Thank you
I think aging is a hard enough task, then adjustment to becoming a widow is huge. Grief cannot be overlooked as to it's effects.
So what is the future going to look like? If you cannot live there & Mom cannot move to be with you - I suppose it comes to Mom being able to hire her own local help. If that is not possible, start exploring who can help her. The next closest local relative? A trusted friend? Arranging caregivers for someone else is hard even if in the same town.. but from OS??
I get that you hope she makes a full recovery but everyone will age, get ill or even just need a bit more help. It may be time to address that big issue: what now?
Start by asking Mom what SHE wants to do.
I guess I will just keep persuading her to accept the hired help and will go from there.
thanks again for your input
You mentioned depression (not sure if recent or longer) but maybe the 'social' corner of her life has been a little empty for a while. People can get lonely (even when married).
I know of one recent widow who was invited to the 'widow's pew' at her church.
It took time before she was ready. When she did join, she found she was not alone - renewed some old aqaintences & also new friendships made.
I hope your Mom can do similar 🤗
Where you said that the last few years you notice some memory changes that could just be age related - my only other thoughts (for your peace of mind before you leave) would be to check her for a urinary tract infection - when you took her to the drs - did they do any bloodwork?
My mom is a stroke survivor so she does have an injury to her brain and the first and only signs of a UTI for her are cognitive decline - she goes from doing her crossword puzzle to not be able to do them or doing them so slowly - she loses her ability to do math - and gets very detached at times. You could try getting over the counter test strips but it is best to drop a urine sample of to let the culture grow and get the correct diagnosis and antibiotic. I would also try to get bloodwork and have all her electrolytes checked.
When I saw my moms cognitive decline I too also would have thought maybe she had another stroke. So UTI is definitely worth ruling out. Best wishes.
Is it possible for the 2 ladies to befriend your mom? Then they could present as a friend come to visit and do any little task that she might need.
This would help her not be so lonely and make sure things are being taken care of.
I would consider finding a live in caregiver if I was in your shoes. Maybe a retired or semi-retired lady or couple that can make sure she is fed and has company. Maybe a single mom with one child that needs a home? It is hard to know when it is a different culture how things work. Having just lost her husband is going to be a huge hole and getting that filled with help is going to be a challenge, so super creative ideas and big time networking in the short amount of time you have will help.
One thing, if she gets worse at night, this could be sundowning and there are ways to minimize this but, someone will need to be there to administer the meds, turn lights on, etc.
There are no perfect solutions for these situations, only the least bad, most workable.
I have 2 very elderly aunts. In 2020 they got their 1st Pfizer vaccine. One aunt was 101 and did just fine -- she has all her mind and no other health problems. Her sister was 98 with mod/adv dementia, and due to past falls is not mobile except if held up, yet she is chatty and alert most of the time. Her arm became very red and swollen and she went into a state as if she were very ill: barely responsive, slept a lot, no appetite, She DID recover fully from this but it took a while. At her second shot she had no ill effect.
Even if your mom fully recovers from whatever is impacting her, Beatty brings up a good point about her future care: she will need more and more help which will require more and more management. If there aren't a lot resources in her country, then your best solution is to hire aids (more than one) whether she wants them or not. They will need to check on her often (if she lets them into her home) and bring her meals. Eventually they may need to help with her hygiene and make sure her home is a safe environment. You need to have a roster of several aids to cover when people need days off, sick days and times when they quit abruptly. Are you paying for this help? Your mom is only 76 and could require help for many years.
Does your mother have a car and still drive? If so, this is also a concern to be dealt with.
For the future you could consider having her move into an extra room in a home with a hired caregiving couple, as eventually her care will require just too much orbiting around her and you can only check on her (and aids) so many times during your day -- and that's pretty stressful. I hope you can find the helpers you need. May you gain peace in your heart as you work to help her.
I sincerely hope the two ladies' coming in to help your mom work out; that she accepts the help willingly and that things improve for her. I wish I had some brilliant words of advice to give you; ones you haven't already thought of, but I don't. You're in a bad situation, both of you, and the entire matter is worrisome. Many many adverse reactions HAVE happened with these new & untested vaccines, yet a great many have not been reported or advertised by the mainstream media b/c the governments are SO hyped up on everyone getting the jabs AND now the many 'boosters' to follow. I myself had a terrible reaction to the 2nd shot and wondered if I'd survive, which I obviously did, but it was a terrible experience to say the least. I sincerely doubt it's a 'coincidence' that your mom suffered such a severe mental decline after getting her first shot, let's face it. Which is irrelevant at this juncture, except to say she definitely should NOT get a 2nd shot or a booster!
It's good to hear that Geaton's aunt did eventually recover from her fugue state after getting the first shot; that may be the case for your mom, too, let's hope.
The symptoms that worsen in the late afternoon/early evening is known as Sundowning. Here is an article to read to learn how to reduce the symptoms:
https://www.healthline.com/health/dementia-sundowning
Perhaps the ladies who help your mom can try some of these tips to help her out.
Wishing you and your mom the best of luck with everything. It's good and comforting to know that the 2 ladies who are helping your mom are available for more hours if/when the need arises. Hopefully you'll be able to convince mom that these ladies are GOOD for her well being & she should be taking their help daily. Good luck and Godspeed with all you have on your plate.