...I recently joined this group to mainly observe, and capture ideas on how to deal with various aspects of my elderly parents. Something I am interested in is obtaining information on getting some type of help / care on a daily, or few days per week basis, as well as some other things that I will mention below.
My mother has Lupus, and my dad is in the midst middle-staged/ moderate Alzheimer's. They live alone (and do NOT want to leave their house and go into any assisted living situation), and due to various factors, it becomes harder each day for my mother to be able to take care of my father (not to mention herself) completely. She does not get much sleep as my father wakes up very early at times, then she awakens, or is already awake, anticipating his movement throughout the house. They have gone through various caregivers (more like errand runners...help around the house, trips to the store, etc.), but after 3 or so different individuals that have come and gone over the past 8 months, they are back at square zero.
[Before I go further, I must add that my mother can be difficult to deal with when it comes to people helping. She has exact methods and ways that she wants things to be done, right down to where the milk is put in the fridge. This makes things difficult for her, and the person doing the errand or chore.]
The last person they had didn't last more than a few visits because of this. I have advised her to hang on and let them get used to the situation around the house before letting them go, but she finds reasons, and out they go.
I live 90+ minutes away and am currently on a schedule where I and my partner/girlfriend go to them once every 2 weeks for a day to run errands for them. Over the past few weeks my mom has been hinting that she needs more help. The specifics are hard to lay out here because she types, or says what she is looking for, but her sentences sometimes blend together and, in the end, it is a very confusing jumble of wants and needs that spans various topics. To top it off in the next sentence, or the next day's conversation she will change it all, and say, "we don't need to worry about that now", etc... even though sometime in the future it gets brought up again. From work I can get to their place in about 50 minutes so there is an option for me to add a bit more time for them in an afternoon visit every so often.
What they really need is someone skilled in taking care of elderly people. The catch is that she has dealt with (briefly) the corporate/ healthcare money grab side of things. Basically, some care company that won't do anything until you sign your life away and put a bunch of money out there before they walk into the house. This scene has become very disheartening to them (and me). The people who have come and gone are people who she has found in some local forum. I suppose you get what you pay for, but she wants to keep looking for some individual/ retired nurse type person to help…and maybe, just maybe the right person will come along.
As noted above, she has hinted at getting more help from me. While I am doing what I can, I don't want to get into as stressed-out scene where she is calling on me every other day or every day for some non-emergency or some other needy reason. I've read many posts from others who have been dragged down by letting an elderly parent(s) do this them, and I don't want to be in that situation. Along with the hints about helping more, she has started to go the guilt trip route..."all we have done for people", "if we have to go to a assisted living home for 100k per year that will be your inheritance, etc."
What do I do, where do I go to find the low key, but reliable help they need? I have heard people having luck with people who have graduated with Associates degrees in Human Services, where they have been taught certain things that they practice in the real world, but how do I find these people?
As to inheritance, that's silly. Their money is there for THEIR CARE, not YOUR inheritance. So that one is easily shot down.
As to the "they do not want to"..............etc. No, none of us do. I am 81, and I am cognizant that I don't want to either. But I am thankful my daughter is two states away and I cannot even begin the slow crawl to total dependence. She is not here. THANKFULLY. And she understands that she must NOT be here, and that care, when it is needed, will be ALF. And yeah, that could eat away at HER inheritance as well; I personally hope for (any day now is fine) the going to bed and having it turn into the long long nap, as my Dad called it. He did love his naps, and he was so ready for the last long one. So am I.
You have been here looking about. So you KNOW. You full well know what happens to and with those who take on long term care. I can count on the fingers of both hands where I have, in my four plus years here, seen it work whatsoever. In fact I can now think of ONE case where it was "working" albeit, the problems creeping in like a slow leak getting faster.
I encourage absolutely, total and blunt honesty. Will there be tears? Sure. Is this not worth grieving? Will there be anger? Possibly. Is this not worth fury?
I wish you the best and hope you will keep us updated.
For what it's worth, I spent "my inheritance" a/k/a my parents savings on Assisted Living and Memory Care for them. Best way to spend hard earned money ever! Even though they wanted to leave me an inheritance, I wasn't willing to prop them up at home under the guise of independence when their needs became too great. They loved the lifestyle and autonomy in AL and I loved MY independence! 😊
Alzheimers very often leads to the need for MemoryCare Assisted Living bc at home care becomes wayyyyyy too much for the spouse to manage.
Good luck to you.
Honestly, if you are not your parents' PoA, you won't have a lot of legal authority to get her to do anything. If she doesn't have a PoA at all you can paint her the picture of what happens to those people: their families are put through unimaginable stress and have to report them to APS. Eventually (when things get "bad enough") the county will acquire guardianship of them and will make all decisions and control all the money. The likelihood that your inheritance is used up from their care costs is high.
You say you've been lurking and reading posts: have you read the ones where adult children go see a therapist to find boundaries and learn how to defend them? This may be you. I wish you wisdom, courage and peace in your heart on this journey.
A sit down with her spelling it all out is needed. What you don't realize is that she is hinting that YOU need to step up more. Make sure you shoot that idea down real fast. Make it very clear to her that she can't have everything her way. It just isn't going to work.
Why would a RETIRED nurse type want to work for two very sick and crotchety old people? Retired nurses are just that - retired.
There are people who work as "concierges." They run errands, take care of your house if you're away, feed pets, go to the post office, bring takeout food. However, I can't for the life of me figure out how that would work for your parents, who have multiple complicated layers of issues and are clearly not able to manage at home even with the help that you're able to provide.
Don't do any more than you're doing, and cut back on that. Take them brochures about nice facilities where they could live and do much better than they are doing now. There are such friendly facilities, beautifully decorated, with lots of people to help and be friends.
They don't want to go, but what they want is no longer relevant. They had bad luck in the illnesses they got - sad, but it's what happens to most of us. When it happens, it's time for them to be a grownup, admit that they can't manage, tell you they don't want to ruin your life, and make a new life for themselves. They need to enjoy what time is left to them without making you miserable.
You're not the savior. Tell them that.
I am not your maid.
I am not your chauffeur.
I am not your personal chef.
I CAN support you as you make changes to your life.
You will probably try with in-home carers, from the sound of it. However it’s worth saying to yourself and your parents that it’s an ‘experiment’ to see how it goes. Your parents need to be on notice that if things don’t work well, Assisted Living is the next step, no matter what they would prefer. Being clear about that might also encourage your mother to be less exacting in her requirements – which she will have to be! I'd perhaps suggest 'three strikes and you're out', if mother's milk placement rules mean carers leave.
Don't fall for it, keep your life intact, pull back, don't do so much, let her see that they are not independent as you are their crutch.
Your mother is playing you, let them find the help that they need, it is not your job to do that for them.
Set your boundaries and stick to them or they will run all over you, red flags are waving in your face, pay attention.
Sending support your way.
However, I was not so clear sighted with my own family of origin, took much much longer too see the tricks & traps.
It’s NOT the nursing home that she may remember from visiting an elder in her youth.
My mom’s is like a fancy hotel. The staff bends over backwards for the residents.
There are interesting activities and cool day trips.
Plus, laundry service for the residents.
Plus, meals are cooked for the residents.
Plus, apartments are cleaned for the residents.
Sounds like heaven to me!
Perhaps you could take her to visit a few!
Those requests will keep on & keep on until the water is boiling around you.
I spent time in that pot..
Two big things I took away.
1stly *change*
FEAR of change. Fixed thinking. Reduction in flexability, reduction in how to proceed or plan. Personality type too - some are more ridgid than others.
Fact. The person life/health/situation has changed. Therefore, they need to ADAPT to these changes.
This is hard, so they avoid.
Folks may need support to face it as bravely as they can.
NOT throw their family under the bus to continue on their way.
2ndly *hints*
Hints are manipulative. Throwing a line out, wanting family to be hooked & just do the thing. Why?Again to avoid. It feels uncomfortable. Asking dints their denial, that no help is needed.
So what to do? All I can say is what I (finally) worked out for me;
1. Have the hard chat. Discuss the situation. What do they want? What is available? Affordable?
What is wishing thinking?
2. Every hint I reoeat back as a question. Are you asking for X?
Are you needing help with X?
Call a apade a spade.
Crack that denial.
You crack me up 😂😂😂🤣
There is a very erratic side to my mother, and many times nasty and bitter side (for the record her and I have been fire and ice since I was a kid). Just a few months ago she didn't like my non response to an answer regarding her car, and she kicked me out of the house (this was within 10 minutes of arriving). I know that there is fear of uncertainty, but this past year or so has been tough. Many times she focuses on the minutia of things that just don't matter anymore (where is that piece of furniture that I loaned you? ...we should have a tag sale next spring, etc.). It's almost as if she is trying to carry on as if nothing is happening, and with the idea that she is going to get better.
She refuses to see a doctor, and I fear this will happen with my dad too. She has always been a controlling person to the highest degree, and is still trying to do so. She monitors my dads food to a point where he's always hungry to when he should stand up, and go take a nap, etc.
As far as the facilities, we (my girlfriend and I) have told her about the assisted living (plus my mom does know about them), and I thought she was on board earlier this year, but the past few weeks she has angrily made it clear that they will be dying in their house and not stepping foot in any facility.
I think the guilt trip does hit me since they did help with me for so many things, college, wedding (been divorced for 7 years), and other costly endeavors.
BTW, their ages are, 91 (dad), 86 (mom).
Yes, your parents paid for college and your wedding. So did mine. That's what parents with their level of financial comfort did. Neither they nor I considered that a down payment on a lifetime of servitude. What they expected was that I would afford my own children the same opportunities they gave me, and I did
My parents raised me to be independent of them financially and emotionally. Sadly, there are some parents who groom their kids (or one of their kids) to wait on them.
In my book, that's cruel.
Decide what you can do for mom without destroying your life or becoming resentful. Stick to that.
Like Barb said, decide what you can do for mom without destroying your life or becoming resentful. My mother had her mother living with us when I was growing up. She was SO resentful and angry that the fighting between them ruined my childhood, moms life AND grandma's life! For what? Grandma wound up going into a nursing home eventually and was just fine. All that misery could've been avoided much sooner if moms ego didn't keep her stuck in a role she despised.
Let her sink or swim. She needs to feel what she can’t do..
He was in so much pain, and his mind was completely gone by that point. The Alzheimer's/ dementia had completely taken over to a point where he didn't know who anyone was leading up to his final days.
This was a very sad, but (in the back of my mind) expected possibility of events.
Thank you for the many answers, and discussion points that people brought to the table last Fall.
Do sorry to hear of your father’s death. Hoping you and mom are managing.
Thank you so much for updating us.
I was just answering another poster to tell her that things will come to a head in some catastrophic way where you get a call from the Hospital. That's the time to call in the social worker at once in these situations. There is so often little else you can do.
My condolences to you on your Dad's loss.
What now, will your mother do?
I suppose it's possible but it likely will not be easy to find the perfect person for her in her house. I have experience with placing both my MIL and my mother. We tried to get help to keep my MIL in her home but nothing worked out. Towards the end of her time in her home there was the offer of her pastor's sister staying in the house a few days a week. Her brother lived in the neighborhood so she would divide her time. MIL would not hear of it.
You don't live that close. You have a job and a family life. Nothing will get easier as your mother ages. You will find yourself depleted and likely resentful. Your life and well being will suffer. Your mother has already displayed dissatisfaction with help in her home. Certain people are wired this way especially as they age.
Listen carefully to the advice of other posters here. You can still be a part of your mother's life if she lives in a facility. I would recommend visiting several and getting a feeling about them. The last facility my mother was in was a Godsend. I only wished I had her there earlier but it had not been built when I was looking. Once Covid hit everything became very difficult.
Your mother is not content now and you are dealing with mounting stress. Consider taking some of that off your plate.