Hi,
I came back from working away a few years ago and now I feel like I've become the unofficial or default care giver to my long term depressed mum who is on disability because I'm the only son. The rest of the family keep her at arms length. She was divorced 13 years ago & has no friends or nobody she sees often anyway. She is always wanting to see me!!! I could handle talking on the phone but all she does is drink and I am expected to sit in pubs for hours on end or go for a walk and then spend time with her. This is literally 5 or 6 days a week If I let it happen. I often have to do practical things for her because she is up and down and poor with time keeping or responsibilities like basic hygiene or home keeping. She will make plans and not stick to them then expect me to be free when she wants.
I'm so fed up as don't have a life of my own, I need space!!! & sometimes feel guilty because she is so lonely - I considered planning to move country or just escaping many time, I'm in my mid 30's and this is not what I wanted for my life. What can I do? I've spoken to her many times and got angry with her clinginess but she just doesn't get it.
If she has managed to alienate her entire family, I'd guess there is a serious mental health issue involved. It could be depression and/or some other condition. Is she being treated by a mental health professional? Is she following a treatment plan? Does she take medications? See a therapist regularly? Use a blue light panel? Exercise each day (walking counts)? Limit alcohol?
Your mother is sick. She is lonely. She is frightened. And she is your mother. Of course you would like to help her. But there is a big difference between helping and enabling. If she is willing to make an effort, do everything you can to support her. Go for a short walk with her every day (and then go home). Take her to some senior activity a few times to help her get used to it. Go into counseling with her a time or two, if her therapist thinks that is a good idea.
But stop doing things that only contribute to the problem! If you mother was diabetic, would you sit with her in a bakery for hours, while she stuffs herself with high-carb food? She has, at the very least, depression, and sitting with her for hours in a pub is NOT helping her.
As you say this would go on 5 or 6 days a week If you let it happen. That is the key. You have to stop letting this happen.
She needs some physical help sometimes. So do I. My son comes over and fixes a leak or helps hang a picture. It is pleasant for both of us. Keep helping your mother with genuine household needs. But also be aware if she has limitations that really should involve outside help. Does she need a weekly housekeeper, for example? What kind of hygiene help does she need?
Enabling her to feel dependent on you is a big disservice to both of you. Do you intend to listen to her tales of woe for hours at a time, for the next 30 years?
If you can do some things that would be truly helpful to her, like get her on a regular schedule with the mental health clinic, be supportive of her treatment plan, take her on occasional outings (not to the pub), go for walks, then doing those things would be appropriate as a loving son.
Enabling her to wallow in her depression and drag you down, too, is just not a loving thing to do.
If she’s THAT helpless and drinks heavily she needs substance abuse treatment as well. I don’t know, if you’re closest relative talk to a lawyer about involuntary commitment.
I don't mean this as a criticism: on the contrary, you've made me remember that it's all very well for us to suggest that you set clear limits on how much time you give your mother and what sort of support, and stick to those limits no matter how much whining and drunken rambling you have to listen to; but in reality it's not so simple.
So building boundaries is not easy. But it is definitely worth it.
At the moment, you are looking at only two options.
Option 1 - you stick around for your mother and find that your entire life gets taken over by her and her needs and her wants.
Option 2 - you disappear completely. She feels abandoned, but for once in her life she is actually not wrong.
You're right about her life not being anything to do with you. I don't mean it's your responsibility to care for your mother. It just isn't: she's an adult with identified issues, it's up to her to work on them or not. But you do in reality care about her, and I doubt if you would be able to leave her behind and not worry about it or feel bad about it - possibly even getting sucked back in through pure guilt, which would be... not pretty.
So neither option 1 nor option 2 is really going to solve anything for you. Somewhere in the middle you will find your option 3, the one where you do what you feel you *reasonably* can for your mother but you wall off the rest of your life and don't let her in.
Moving to live and work abroad might be a good way, actually, putting plenty of distance between you and your mother's daily life. But don't do it in secret! Don't let your mother's issues make *you* behave irrationally! If everything were normal, you would leave a forwarding address, you would refer your mother to any health care or social work services whose support she might need, you would let friends and family know your plans. Well, *you* are normal. So do those things.
If you can't remedy the situation, now...
What would the situation look like if it were remedied? Do you have a clear image of how you would like things to be?
Alanon can be very helpful for family members of alcoholics. I recommend you give it a try. You can google Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) and find valuable material.
Good luck and let us know how you make out.