How do I convince my mom she needs full-time help?
Mom is a dialysis patient, has severe limited mobility and suffers from depression since Dad died almost two years ago. I reluctantly told her she could move to my house but only if she hires full time help in my home also. She won't do and chooses to live on her own. I work full time. I have one brother who can't help because he lives too far away, in his opinion (geographically he is only about 45 minutes away). He just leaves it all to me and my husband. She won't spend her $$, she feels that she may "need" it in the future. As far as I'm concerned the future is here. She's hired a woman for approx. 8 hours a week to clean for her and to take her to the occasional doctor's appointment. This is my mom's solution to getting help. I have been to the ER with her 4 times in the space of the last 10 weeks. I am always waiting for the shoe to drop. I feel that it's probably only a matter of time before I get another call from the police, one of her neighbors or her life alert company. Any thoughts, help, suggestions?
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None of us can have things the way we want them all the time. Life is about compromise and doing the best we can do.
Not knowing her complete situation, it is hard to say if more in-home help would work. If it is for personal care, cooking, and cleaning, I would say yes. If it is more medical I would think she needs more help that what she has now. Also, make sure that you are ready for the responsibility of having her live with you if you are unable to be there or hire enough help. It is very challenging combining two households.
I would suggest looking into assisted living centers in your area. Many have a "tiered" approach where she could start out in independent living, and transition to assisted or NH care. That way, you know that there is someone available all day in case of emergencies.
Also, do you have her POA for both financial and medical? If not, that would be a good place to start. I set up bill pay through my Mom's bank and pay all her bills through them. It is convenient for me, I have a record of her expenses, and she does not have to worry about money. I think it is a symptom of our parent's generation to be worried about being destitute in old age. Maybe if you paid her bills she could relax about it.
Until then, help her hire more in-home staff but with the understanding that it is temporary until you can find a more appropriate setting for her. Visit the ALFs and gather information. Then narrow it down to 2 or 3 and give her the information to look at - many have DVDs now. When she is receptive talk with her about how nice it will be to have the everyday things taken care of so she can do the things she wants to do with her time.
Be patient - the most respectful thing you can do is to get her on board with the new plan.
good luck
Agree with your mom. "Yes, if only Dad were here, we wouldn't be in this situation. Dad is not here and he is not going to be here. So what can we do now?" We might as well say "if only we had a million dollars," or "if only it didn't snow in the winter," or "if only chocoate cake were not fattening." If your mom is still with it mentally, she should recognize the futility of acting on wishes.
She needs help. If she has money, she needs to pay for it.
Is she "with it" enough to discuss finances? If Dad used to do all that, it might be new to her. Would it help if you could show her how long her money will last if she pays $x a month for the help she needs now?
On the way home I asked her what she was saving her money for. What if I have to go to the hospital? That is what you are paying for insurance for. Umm ... (laughingly) for a casket? Ma, your funeral is prepaid, remember? And you want to be cremated. She is 90 years old and I can't imagine why she thinks she can't spend money. One sister has access to her account so we force the issue by simply spending her money on her behalf when she won't. That is how she got the new mattess, for example. If we'd known what an ordeal the sheets were going to be, we'd simply have bought those, too. We thought she'd enjoy picking them out, not figuring in how much she hates spending money.
If you can manage it, perhaps taking over some of the spending would be a kindess.