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mom is getting more independent, and wants to do more things in the house, use a knife to cut things, walk without a walker, reach up and take things out of the cupboard, etc. i cant be there all the time to watch her. this is adding to my frustration.

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My first thoughts whenever I am becoming frustrated with my mother are Respect. And Independence. She was always a very independent person. Always ready to jump up, run and do. Now, she is limited by pain and weakness. By remembering to respect her, I give her choices, a measure of privacy and the opportunity to try to do things for herself. When it became obvious that she could no longer safely cut items with a knife. I started cutting the food for her but told her it was because I needed to sharpen the knives and only had the one. When she could no longer button her blouses, I hid the ones with buttons and bought her a few pretty pull over t-shirts. When it became obvious that her favorite chair was too difficult to get out of, I first put risers under the chair then "gifted" her with a cool new lift chair! (Told her the grandsons had bought it for her). I put a doorbell by her chair so that she can call me and also have a baby monitor by her bed. These little additions have been slow but they have reduced my frustration, maintained a level of respect and retained a measure of independence.
The call button and the baby monitor both give me a bit more freedom too.
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Zuma, your mother has been home from the hospital now for several months. She apparently feels that she is healed, is stronger, and can resume activities she did before the hospitalization. Can she? Try to sort out the things that are truly dangerous from the things that make you nervous but which hold little risk.

You don't mention that your mother has dementia. If she is competent to make her own decisions, she is eligible to make them, even if you feel some of them are ill-advised.

Try to accept that you cannot eliminate all risks for your mother. All risks would not be eliminated if she lived in an assisted living facility. Risk is part of life.As caregivers we try to eliminate unnecessary or severe risks and to minimize others, but that is all we can hope to do.

Carol is certainly correct that not all mother/daughter pairs can live together. If you are in constant stress over how much control you have/don't have over your mother's behavior, your relationship might be better off if you didn't live together.

Whatever you decide to do about living arrangements, I wish you continued good relations with your mother.
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Zuma, you've got some good advice from the other responders. The thing I'd add to it is that you can drive yourself crazy trying to control something that isn't yours to control. Do your best with your mother, she deserves your best efforts after all she's done for you. Then praise yourself for your hard work. Mom won't do that. Tell yourself that the best you can do is good enough. No one has a right to expect more from you than your best effort. Your mother can make you work to keep her safe, but she needs your help to drive you crazy. Don't help her with that. Feel good about what you do. Do it because your mother did a million things like that for you before you were out of diapers. Do it with love and gratitude. Take control of your emotional state. I'm proud of you. Be proud of yourself. Good Luck. God Bless You.
Jonathan
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Carol, I know what your going through. My mother can make me so short temperted with what she says or does. She has dementia and I know she can't help it. She feels useless, but I try and find things for her to do. But sometimes she won't do anything. She's in pain from hip surgery from last year and arthritis in her back. She likes to do dishes and fold towels. She also does Find a Word book most of the day. There just isn't much to talk about with her. I'm sure I will need more help as time goes by, but right now my husband or brother's will watch her for a while. Good luck to you.
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My mom in law has Alzheimer's. I am her fulltime caregiver. I put the baby locks on the drawers so she would not get into cabinets. I would suggest to lock up the dangerous stuff. At first I had to tell her "oh the drawer is broken" and would distract her with another conversation & she would then walk away & forget about the drawer. Also, I put these rubber locks on the stove. They are AWESOME. I think my husband got them at Home Depot or something like that.I would also replace all chairs that roll. Take down the stuff that is high up so she is not tempted to go up and get it. AS for your sanity.......find something that gives u an outlet. I like to play computer games (words with friends, farkle, strategic games, etc...)My husband & I have decided to take care of mom because we do not want to put her into a facility. We are seeking a live-in caregiver to help out 4 days a week. Go with your heart & do what makes you happy. Hang in there! :)
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Start with hiding all the sharp knives! My mother had a walker after she fractured her pelvis and after it healed, she preferred her cane, maybe she could use a cane around the house? Meanwhile, think about the long term and maybe look into the assisted living like Carol has suggested. After having my mom in my home for 8 years, I cannot say that it has been a picnic and that I wouldn't have done something else had I known everything I know now.
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Does she have dementia? I'm assuming that she may be thinking she can do things she did in the past because she's in a home setting.
It's natural to want independence. If she can do these things safely, then try to understand that her losses are overwhelming and she needs to do something to feel worthwhile. If what she chooses to do are things that aren't safe, try asking her to fold clothes or something else helpful but not dangerous.
Not every daughter and aging mother can live harmoniously together, no matter what the issues are. If after trying to understand what is behind her actions, the whole arrangement still stresses you too much, consider assisted living for your mother. Preserving your relationship and your own health are both more important than where your mother lives. She may like having peer interaction and more independence in an ALF, even if she fights it at first. Don't feel guilty. Many people can't do what you are doing and have it work out well.
Good luck sifting through it all.
Carol
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