How do you deal with parents who expect care because "you're my daughter"?

Miracles? More like double-edged swords wielded by doctors who cannot let go of their patients or who value quantity of life more than quality of life. Sad.

Confounded,
Very well said. It's true. Thanks to the miracles of modern medicines and such, people are living much much longer.

Our elders are living longer but, unfortunately, sicker than prior generations. Most of our elders did not face years upon years of care for their own elders. We, on the other hand, may be faced with providing advanced medical care ... on our own. And this may continue throughout the best of our own "Golden Years."

So. It's no wonder that many of our elders have Not-A-Clue about how our generation may be impacted, because, Back-in-The-Day, most adult children dealt with mere months or weeks of intensive eldercare.

For many of us, on the other hand ... 24/7 hands-on, do-it-yourself eldercare can well result, for many years, in lost opportunities to live our own lives and plan for our own "Golden Years."

I'm in the same boat dealing with my dad. I wish I had some insight for you, but I struggle with this all the time.

I like everything that all of you are saying, and only wish to add that aging is a scary prospect. We do well to empathize well with our parents as they begin to lose control of everything and fear these changes, and who will give them the privacy, the dignity, the love that a daughter will give them. You know what your mother's love has been when you've been sick or in a bad place. They know that they won't get that same love and so they try to control you, as their last chance. This might not even be a conscious effort on their part. People will say that seniors manipulate and become selfish. I believe it is because of their fear of change.
Another option for you might be, right now, to establish yourself as empathetic. Let your Mom vent with you and only if the communication is open and you think she'll respond well - say "it must be scary to face the aging process, Mom." Don't argue with anything she says, just understand, listen, empathize. I think you will find this will improve her level of confidence in your support. And, if you have to have others care for her, you will be in a better position to do that - because she knows you get it, and that you will not let her be mistreated in any way.
I've established my emotional boundaries for myself with my Mom, only because I've been hurt by her so many times. I have told her that I love her, but I have to keep my distance emotionally. Of course, it helps that we are 1300 miles apart!

Rosyday - you are exactly right! The problem is not keeping them housed and fed - almost all elderly have enough social security to take care of that (in contrast to previous generations before social security took effect). The problem is that most of them expect to maintain the same lifestyle as before even though they're not capable of maintaining their lives as they did before. They are no longer able to cook, clean, walk the dog, drive and maintain the car, maintain the home and yard, etc. etc. yet they still expect all those things to be done as before. There are a few who have savings and can pay for help, but many more who either have no spare money or refuse to use it for paid help. They expect their kids to step in and take over all the day to day tasks that the parent can no longer accomplish.

When my mother gave up her condo on the coast to move inland near my two sisters (and, later, me), she insisted on buying a house. She was 80 years old and in no way capable of maintaining a house, plus she had no down payment. But she insisted, saying "I've never lived in a place I didn't own." As it turned out, it was impossible to find an affordable handicapped-accessible rental in my sisters' area, and she ended up having to buy a home ( I supplied the down payment from my 401(k)). Immediately the whole house and everything in it became somebody else's problem. And yes it was hard to set limits at first, and it's hard now because we moved her to that house and now it feels like we have to make it work for her.

I so wish my mother had money for assisted living and that she'd be willing to go to one. It would make my life so much more manageable!

I feel there is a middle ground between giving over your life to take care of your parents and just ignoring them. I am struggling to get that balance. A major problem that I see described here is that parents don't just seek help. They seek help on THEIR TERMS. My mother wanted everything to be as it always had...the two story Victorian house immaculate, the garden lovely, groceries from five stores and so on. And she wanted no one in her house but me. So while working full-time, I stupidity tried to please while also taking care of my own house. One day I found myself 80 miles from home, driving to escape. It shook me. It took me a while, but I started setting limits. I should have done so from the beginning, but no one prepares you for this role.

My mother never said those words but the expectation was there always. I used to get so aggravated at myself because she would tell me to do something as if I were a child and I would say no. I would explain what I was doing that had to be done and that she needed to quit asking me to do other things at the same time, couldn't she see that I was having a hard enough time with what I was already doing, yada, yada, yada and the whole time I was fussing (talking back) I was on my way to get her what she wanted or do what she said. It was an automatic reflex for me to do what my mother said regardless of what my mouth was saying, my body was minding. lol
She knew all she had to do was wait and I would get it done if she had asked or directed.
But I shared the joy with siblings and grandkids. All the way home...three hour drive I would tell and retell how she was doing that day and what she asked me to do this time.

I am a middle aged woman and can say that life used to be, in a word, simpler. I remember jumping rope on the sidewalks. I remember riding my bike with friends. Most of my neighbors stayed in our hometown, and if they did leave, they stayed within a small radius.

And then things changed.

I lived through several decades of the Me Culture. Narcissists ruled the world, were worshipped and glorified.

Adults make their own choices and, unfortunately, many make poor ones. When they're done making poor choices, they expect both the doctor to fix the consequences and their children to help them remain independent.

I remember when I was little I heard my mom talking with the neighbor lady, who I heard say: "Life is hard and then we die." Obviously that made quite an impression on me. So while I agree, Sassy75, that "our society would do well to regain the sense of family rights and responsibilities" I also believe that we need to get back to basics and regain the self discipline necessary for making good choices. Excellence is a journey and discipline is how we get there.

Oh, please.... stop with the "they took care of you as a child". My 200+ lb dad gave me a black eye, concussion, numerous bruises as dementia took over. I never did that to him. There gets to be a point when professionals are needed.

Also - as a child I never expected my mom to be my slave and cater to every damn whim - as my mom and my IL's do.

My parents raised me to be independent, to make decisions for myself, to not mooch off them but seek out my own solutions. Why is this unreasonable to expect of them as they are capable? My mom is capable of driving herself, doing her laundry, etc but DOES NOT WANT TO. Sorry - i'm not going to step in.

I will; however, see that as she ages, she is taken care of with me advocating for her care and visiting her. I just won't be doing the hands on that she wants.

I think for myself, I have much more of the "hunter-gather" instinct than the caregiver instinct. Perhaps I need to have my DANA checked. :-)

I'm sure you will get many different viewpoints on this question. My feeling is this. We do what we can do for our parents. Everyone is at a different point in their lives when our parents need help/care. Personally, I feel the need to pay back my mom because she is responsible for bringing me into this world. She gave me the first 18 years of my life, I need to pay it forward when the time comes.
Now, I also believe that everyone has the ability to do only what is in their control at any given time. This is a very transient world, people are living all over the world. It's not always feasible to drop everything and help our parent(s) out. However, I do believe it is always possible to help out in some way. It can be in ways like monetarily, taking care of paperwork (so much can be done online these days), researching care facilities or home care, making phone calls, etc.
If you don't feel that you can provide the type of care that is needed, then perhaps you can do your part in making that care happen. I am not a believer in being manipulated and bullied into doing something. That is not necessary. So don't let them do that to you. Have a heart to heart talk with yourself, your spouse (if you have one), your children (if appropriate) and be sure everyone is in agreement with what type of help and how much you can provide. Good Luck

I get what the mindset is of, "They took care of us so we should give them back the same care" but not all of us were given unconditional love and support from our parent/parents when we really needed them. I did not have a wonderful childhood. I was abused by a sibling for many years. When I told Mom, she turned her back on me. The abuse continued. When I brought it up again as an adult (confronted my abusive brother) she turned her back on me again. She always told me I was a dissapointment while I was growing up because of the abuse my brother did to me, I did not care about getting good grades, being on my best behavior, I was in pain and acting out because nobody gave a damn to find out what was going on with me. So............not all of us were lovingly nurtured by the parent we are now caring for. But, we still step up because our brothers won't.

CarlaCB
It is a heated topic for certain but is also as Sassy75 said, "caring for those we love is the human experience". Until the last 65 or so years there were not really other options for caring for the elderly. The children were expected to care for the parents. It is likely that your parents were from the WWII generation and it is just how the world was. It is also true that the woman are expected to be the ones to do the caregivers. It is no new thing. Women ARE the caregivers. Men ARE the hunter/gatherer's. It is in our DANA. Are we always successful in our human roles? No but it is just the way it is. Women will always be looked at as female and men as male. Is it fair? No...but then whoever said that life was going to be fair? Live and let live.
Parents with Alzheimer's and Dementia can be very taxing to care for and they lost the ability to be their Best Selves. But we should TRY to remember that it is the illness and not our parents that is doing the things that we hate so much. Sometimes our parents are what they always were...cranky. In that case you're probably already used to it! Smile!!!! Life is too short..one day we will all lose our dignity. But we ALL deserve to keep it as long as possible. If our parents have become cranky they must be forgiven. As if we put ourselves in their shoes, losing our minds and abilities slowly and with zero cure, we would be cranky too! =)

"I fear that those who feel resentment toward the needs of family elders are destined to feel bitterness when their own needs as elders are not met."

I don't understand this at all. I think it's more likely that people who give unstintingly of themselves will be resentful if the same is not done for them in turn. I don't have kids and don't expect anyone to take care of my needs in old age, let alone my wants, whims, and desires. There's nobody to resent. But that does make me more resentful of my mother's expectation that I should cater to her. I am forced to sacrifice so much, knowing there won't be anyone to do the same for me. It doesn't make me happy at all, but I still can't imagine expecting anyone to put their life on hold, give up their job, etc. to be at my beck and call, even if I did have kids.

My personal belief is that she cared for me when I was helpless and now it is my turn to return the kindness. Do I always like it? A resounding "NO" but do I show my frustration to her? Again, NO. This illness is teaching me an awful lot and gratefully I have a good support system started but I understand that it cannot be the same for everyone. Sometimes our childhoods are such that do not allow us to see our parents with the loving devotion we would our child. We should not judge ourselves or others harshly if they cannot do what we can or we cannot do what they do.. I would no sooner care for my father than stick my arm in a blender but I am capable at this age of a deeper empathy for my mother than I would have ever thought. An empathy born of my own personal successes and failures. I have been able to stop my own life and create a new one that is ALL about her until her last moment on Earth. I am very blessed to be able to do it and a lot cannot. I can say that I have had to really and SEVERELY check myself and my motives for doing this as no matter what our childhoods were, we are not children now and we now have the capacity of great forgiveness if we look deep into our hearts and realize that many of their shortcomings are some of our greatest strengths as adversity breeds wisdom. Can everyone be successful at this without a lot of support? NEVER. Don't beat yourself up. Just check your own motives and ask yourself why you are bothered and if it really matters anymore. Your heart will guide you if you allow it. I wish you good blessings.

I'm an aging parent who lives independently and has bought Long Term Care Insurance. Hopefully, if I need care, my children will be there to perform the more loving tasks than seeing to daily needs. Full care of an aging adult IS different that full care of an infant, child or teen - but eons of parents fulfill that role willingly and lovingly for 15-25 years, seeing to everything, leaving their jobs not just for emergencies but for trips to the orthodontist, or supportive at school events, making birthdays and holidays special. All that hauling around isn't a necessity, but rather extra acts of love, one event at a time, so that our children can reach their full potential with the knowledge and confidence to get that great job... and to enjoy the same privilege and responsibility in the lives of their children. I'm not a demanding Mother and I've had a parent in a nursing home when my kids were in college - not easy. Unfortunately, fate doesn't deliver good parents to every child. But, generally, our society, with so much wealth and privilege, has lost sight of it's responsibilities, one generation to the other. There are only so many minutes in a day, and a responsible adult must allocate them with balance, but I hope this will help some caretakers remember that they received much love and care as children and will someday be the aging adult who may need assistance. I'm not saying that encouraging words make either job easier - but caring for those we love is the human experience. I fear that those who feel resentment toward the needs of family elders are destined to feel bitterness when their own needs as elders are not met. Weighing and balancing our time is definitely required - but our society would do well to regain the sense of family rights and responsibilities. SOMEBODY has to take care of children and elders - if it's not you (me or all of us in turn) , just who's job is it?

Wow, so many responses I can absolutely relate to perfectly! I was the youngest and the only daughter out of 4. My oldest brother passed away in my late 20's and that was the beginning of my mother's mental decline. I am now approaching 50 and my mother chose me as her caregiver and put me in charge of everything. My other two brothers stand on the sidelines and criticize and accuse me of having ulterior motives. Oh please. My life revolves around her now that she is over the halfway mark in dementia land. My career was expendable to her yet she always makes excuses for my brothers why they do absolutely nothing (and never did) but hey, they have families, one is a produce stacker at a grocery store, (same job from being a teenager) I know, how ambitious. The other went on permanent disability and they live in the area. I was a kitchen and bath designer but I was the one who ended up having to sacrifice my career to take care of Mom. The only reason this is possible is because my husband makes a good living. She could not afford long term assisted living and had I said "No" to her, she would have been broke by now and looking at going into a State Facility. I cannot imagine. She worked as an RN in assisted living facilities her whole life until I got her to retire in her early 70's! That is when she started showing little signs of forgetfulness and I knew what was coming down the pike. She is now 81, lives with husband and I (per her request) in her own seperate cottage next to us, (that is how we stay married 😉) and I realize I have become a slave to Mom's every need and whim. She still has issues with me telling her what to do and what not to do, she doesn't seem to comprehend I am an adult and actually do know what I am talking about. She has always given men more credit as far as knowledge, even though she will tell me how smart I am and obviously she trusted me with her full care over my brothers for a reason. I think the dementia makes her forget how old I am, forget I gave up my freedom and career for her so she would not end up broke in a State Facility, it is very difficult to swallow at times that it all just seems expected that the daughters are the chosen ones and the brothers get the excuses why they can just go on with their lives without any responsibility to the parent. Yes, I agreed to do this, did I have any idea what it would be like in reality? No. Nothing can prepare you for this except reading others experiences to get some concept of what you are in for. Wish I had known about this website prior to making this commitment but it is water under the bridge at this point. Deep down, in the end, I will feel like I did the right thing for her as opposed to what my brothers would have done with her but it is a high price to pay, mentally, financially and physically. Our bodies are aging too now and we have our own health issues but, we cannot falter, we are still expected to do our daughterly duties. I do wonder how many more years I will essentially be a prisoner just making sure Mom is safe and all her needs are being taken care of all the while making sure she has money enough to live on for however long that might be.

You have no obligation to do anything in this life. However if you had a good upbringing, you might want to say thank you to a parent. The thanks could be done in many different ways. If you have the funds an apt near you may be just enough. If they are struggling medically, they may need additional help. There are social workers who could help you. Best wishes on your decisions.

I love your solution, SueGeo, but unfortunately there are many of us in the situation where there just isn't anyone else to do it. All of my siblings except one live in other states, and there is no money for paid help or assisted living.

I believe my mother should feel very bad about putting us in this position, but clearly she does not. She seems to believe it's owed to her as a mother to have her kids take care of her. Her only son is the youngest of 7 kids (the oldest is now deceased so it's down to 6) and he's still up north working and raising a family, so he's no help. Three remaining sisters are also up north. I would love to move back up north where I came from but I have trouble justifying leaving the whole burden on my remaining sister. She likes my mother even less than I do, and they have never been close.

My mother has a housemate who does most of the day to day (laundry, errands, meal prep) in exchange for free rent, but when she needs a break I'm the one who stays with Mom and does all of those things. And there are millions of medical appointments and we all sort of feel that a family member should go with her and keep track of what's going on. I've also done numerous ER trips and hospital admissions with her. I think what my sister and I have both come down to is the idea of doing only what we feel is necessary, and pushing back on all the frivolous or unreasonable demands. Still, it's a lot, and it's very aggravating to be in this position for years on end.

Kimber166 - you took the words right out of my mouth! My mother said the same things to me - I want to come and live with you, and when are you going to retire/quit that job?

My mother and I are like oil and water; we don't get along on a number of topics; housekeeping and hygiene being just two (I'm OCD, compulsive about personal cleanliness and the cleanliness/neatness of my home). She's just the opposite - showering once a week (but only because she's going to church, otherwise 'I may fall and I don't want to shower/bathe, a sponge bath will do it)...and her home looked like an explosion went off; food, debris, trash, mail, catalogs/magazines, everything piled high and cluttered; dirty dishes, unmade bed...the list could go on and on.

She told me once when she visited that my house looked like a museum - that I was too picky...for once in her life couldn't she just say, 'my you keep a clean home'...looks good...nope, not my mom...always critical...and accusing...it just never ends.

So having her come and live with my husband and I wasn't ever going to happen; I told her on multiple occasions that I care for her and love her; but that I will not take care of her; there is a difference. I've done my best to find in-home caregivers for her - only to have her fire them after a few visits - every single time. Now she's in an Adult Foster Care home and tells me everytime I talk to her - 'You've made a big mistake putting me in here! This isn't the right place for me. That woman is mean to me and I don't trust her.' And now she's longing for her old messy apartment - the one that just a month or so ago she said she couldn't stand going back to!!!

So no matter what I do, or where she goes she will be unhappy. She would be miserable in my home too - I know that for certain. So I say, what's worse? Having her safe in a place where she is being looked after or having your there all day, every day hearing all those complaints in person? I'll take the first option and listen to the complaints from a distance (it's only a few miles away)...but I have some control on when I get to listen to the constant complaints.

Find some other resources to help take care of your elders. There are no laws that say daughters have to bear the brunt of that responsibility. Set your parameters and try your best to stick with them (limit those phone calls, runs to the ER, etc.) - let someone else know that you won't be available - and if they want them looked after, etc. they should do it.

I've heard the "because you're my daughter" and "you owe me" so much that I relate to this so easily. People of WWII generation were raised believing that women were good for two things -- breeding and cleaning. Women were cast into a servant role. I've asked my mother why I owe her while my brothers don't. She says they are too busy with their jobs and families. This makes no sense, since one is more retired than I am and hasn't had children at home for 20 years. I figure I must owe her because the girl was considered the family servant. Strange that she never helped with her or my father's parents, but feels I owe it to her. She isn't a nice person.

OnlyChildCarer: "A social worker visited to suggest people who could help with shopping, laundry, bathing, etc. My mother's response was, 'My daughter will do it.'"

How often do you go to her apartment, and how long do you stay there? I am sorry that your mother is such a selfish narcissist. What does your therapist say?

CarlaCB: "but it's only the authoritarian parent-controls-child aspect that remains after the caring, supportive aspect of the relationship is gone. A lot of parents seem to find that to be the easiest way to deal with the fact of being dependent on their children. If they act like they're still in control, maybe you'll be fooled into thinking they are, and they can also feel as though they are, instead of feeling like helpless, dependent old people. "

I think there's a lot of truth in the above. My mother likes to order me around, and expects to be obeyed. Yet her abilities are so compromised -- she must think she's fooling everyone!

One time at the coumadin clinic my mother prounouced for anyone to hear, "I don't know what people do who don't have DAUGHTERS!"

Well, she has a resentful daughter (me). I don't want to do much of anything for her. I wish she lived near one of my Golden Boy brothers. At least I've put it out there for the Golden Boys to know that if at some point it gets to be too much, that I am walking away from it all. And I will.

There is a common thread throughout all these responses. "You cannot be used unless you allow yourself to be." If you decline to perform a task for them, for whatever reason, tell them you'd love to help, but you can't right now because you have to... walk the dog, have an appointment, have a previous commitment... be amiable and polite and tell them when you get a chance you'll do it. Then take your time. Just stop being so available. I am trapped in my home taking care of a disabled husband to whom I am a slave. Because he had a good job, I was able to be a stay-at-home mom. We always had nice houses and nice things, but not a husband or dad because he was always working. Now, he feels I owe him round-the-clock care. It's unspoken between us, but it's there. I have no options. I HAVE to be here. Don't let yourself get like me; unhappy, resentful and angry. Just step back and stop alllowing yourself to be manipulated.

I wish I had some advice or insight since I'm going through the same thing.
In February of 2016 my mother fell and broke her wrist. She wasn't using her newly purchased cane because "I don't think I need a cane" -- even though it was suggested by her doctor.
A social worker visited to suggest people who could help with shopping, laundry, bathing, etc. My mother's response was, "My daughter will do it."
I am her only living child and there is no other family nearby. So... it falls to me to do everything. She refuses to talk about getting "strangers" in to help, even once a week for a few hours. I've tried saying, "What if something were to happen to me?" She replies, "Well, I hope nothing happens to you" and flat out refuses to see that this is not a healthy or normal relationship for either of us.
I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder, and a therapist I've spoken to agrees.
It's always been there, even when I was growing up. Now in my mother's old age, it's exacerbated and I leave her apartment frustrated and angry.
Sorry for not having advice and only venting, but just know that you are not alone.
Take care of yourself -- friends, therapy, church, whatever works.

You are her daughter. You are not her property. You are not her slave. Unfortunately, it seems to be pretty rare that parents will continue to be the caring, supportive parents they once were after a certain age (assuming they ever were). That's sad enough, but what's worse is when aspects of the old parent-child relationship remain or resurface, but it's only the authoritarian parent-controls-child aspect that remains after the caring, supportive aspect of the relationship is gone. A lot of parents seem to find that to be the easiest way to deal with the fact of being dependent on their children. If they act like they're still in control, maybe you'll be fooled into thinking they are, and they can also feel as though they are, instead of feeling like helpless, dependent old people.

My mother is like this, too. It bites. It becomes necessary to step back from it and establish your boundaries as a separate independent adult. It's hard to do at first, as others have said. But it's the only way to avoid being turned into a resentful, unhappy slave.

Ah, yes... only my IL's don't have daughters - so they tell me "because you are the daughter-in-law". The list is endless and it is just going to grow as they age. set boundaries or you are going to spend the next several years or decades exhausted and angry and it will never be enough (read the stories out here). Right now, with your life and your immediate family - decide what you will do and can do without anger and resentment. That is what you do. Your parents have resources in the community that they have not explored. Why use senior transport when we have a daughter? Well, if you can't do everything - they are going to have to look around.

My own mom - told me she expected to move in with me so i could take care of her. I said NO and got the whole "but you are my daughter" manipulative speech. I told her i loved her and would help her research living, transport, meal options - but that i just couldn't be a caregiver with a full time job and young child. (plus my mom would drive me insane within a day). She didn't want to hear it and after several years i still get the guilt trip "Linda moved home to take care of her mom - wasn't she in your grade in high school?"

Bottom line - they are not going to be happy with your setting boundaries. You will be happy and have health and a life.
Alternative - they are still never happy and you are exhausted, sick, resentful, and it will never ever end.

Stay strong. Read the stories out here. Seek advice. We wish you the best.

"You're my daughter" is being said to manipulate you. But, your parents cannot walk all over you unless you lie down. You are an adult, as are your parents, and caring for them must work for everyone involved, and not just them. Set healthy boundaries now before it's too late.

Boy, I can relate to this! Over the past year, my mother's health declined and I was constantly running from work to deal with doctors, ER visits, rehabs and moving her from independent living to assisted living. I returned home late last night to be called to her assisted living because the air conditioning was not working. This has really caused damage to my business. My two brothers refuse to do anything but criticize what I do. Of the three of us, I have the most demanding professional life. My mother told me during one of her ER visits that it was the "girl's responsibility. When she was young, people her age just sat there to be waited on by the girls. Boys don't know how to do it, and they are too busy." I was appalled, and told her that times have changed. It does not sink in. It is a generational thing. You can try to set all the boundaries you want, but it is not going to change their way of thinking. I realize how hurtful it is. You feel taken for granted and end up burned out.

Dear Chill,

It is hard caring for an aging parent. I know we all have to do what we feel is right. Always know there are options. Yes, we are the daughters but we have to remember we have choices.

For me, I was the oldest of my sibling group. My parents were immigrants and struggled their whole lives for their children. I was put into a helper role with my siblings from an early age. I think that carried over to when my parents were aging and facing health crisis.

I have a lot of anger and resentment. I always felt overly burden and responsible where as my siblings were "free." My father passed away last year and I am still guilt ridden about not doing enough. It felt like no matter what I did, I could not get any validation or acknowledgment or even make my father happy. I am trying to come to terms with my decisions. For me, I don't regret helping my parents, but I wished I had found a better balance.

No matter what, just remember to do what you feel comfortable with. And always know there are resources in the community.

Take care.