I am only child, his daughter and have been doing caretaker tasks since 2006 when my mother died of a stroke and his health began to slowly decline. He is diabetic Type II and was just diagnosed with anemia and polymyalgia rheumatica (looked like a stroke) after an extended hospital stay. It seems that he may have dementia but he just changed doctors and it hasn't been officially diagnosed. We have never agreed unfortunately on politics or religion and it is a challenge now with Mom gone and no siblings. Parents had me late in life so there are almost two generations between us - a gap which I work at like a dog at to constantly bridge. He doesn't like my friends and he's not very social so it's just me and a housekeeper/friend that comes once a week. He has attacked my weight, my money (or lack thereof), my career. The excessive criticism is a bit less now since I don't think he feels very well (he was just in hospital for a month). Stairwells have been added to his house, rehab has worked well and he has cane and walkers on both levels. I moved in old house in '09 for a year to help him. It was difficult so I returned to my home state and eventually relocated to be closer to him.
I was recently in ER probably with caregiver burnout and it was as if no one gave a damn about that. The stress of moving has isolated me from my friends and hurt my job situation and my health. My friends have younger parents and have NO clue what I'm going through. My marriage dissolved, dating seems impossible. He refuses to move or to enter any facility even though I had a promising career and many suggested he move to make it easier. I love my dad, he's been very generous with me in many ways but I don't know how to talk to him or manage this hostility. Now our conversations are literally one hour or more of detailed explanations of all his aches, pains and various disorders. He expects me to listen without comment, attentively for a hour or even 90 minutes to 2 hrs of his straight talking (he's a retired professor). If I try to say ANYTHING at all, he gets upset and acts as if any contribution I make or ANY opinion I bring forth is garbage. Sometimes he gets quite upset and insults me. If the insults are harsh, I get panic attacks which may be getting worse. I've tried to give myself breaks to rest but my heart won't stop racing and I get headaches and lose time from work. I've tried for years to limit calls to 30-45 min - often close to impossible. I try to cheer him up but often he negates or violently argues with me. After visits or phone calls, my heart races, I'm so exhausted I want to sleep for days. I help coordinate the care, make calls to Visiting Nurses (which he just dismissed), do what I can but in some ways we've never gotten along and now it's harder. I'm doing everything I can. He seems to appreciate my capabilities when it comes to helping him with his care but everything else about me he acts like he truly dislikes. Question: Improving our relations decreases both of our stress levels and improves health which is my main concern. Is there anything else I could try to promote healthy communication? Also, how can I help myself stay strong because he has no one else??!! Please, please don't say I'm a terrible person I think about that alot anyway!!!
No one could ever think you are a terrible person..so get that thought out of your head. Like the rest of us you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. First and foremost you must take care of yourself! Best wishes and God bless you for what you are doing!!
Are you getting treatment for the panic disorder? Are you in counselling? You deserve to take care of yourself.
Some observations: just because someone expects something of you does not obligate you to provide it. Think about that. Dad can expect or want or demand certain things, but you are still in charge of your own behavior.
I cannot start to comprehend your level of patience. I love my husband (86, dementia) and am doing my utmost to care for him, but I cannot imagine listening to a 90-minute monolog of his aches and pains (or any other subject, really. Conversations, yes. Lectures, no.) Different people have different hot buttons, and maybe you can sit there and let him drone on while you plan how you are doing to redecorate your bedroom. I coundn't do that! In your situation I would definitely set time limits on phone conversations, and also on in-person monologs. I'd have to. I'd be in a padded cell in a week without enforcing limits. I have one mentally ill relative who is extremely hard to end a phone conversation with, and I have on more than one occasion said "I'm sorry but I must go now. I will talk to you again tomorrow. Good bye," and then just hung up. Decide how important this is to you, and then set some realistic limits that work for you.
I don't think I'd put up with insults. I would say something like, "I'm sorry that you are disappointed in not having a daughter with a weight you approve of, but I am not going to listen to your opinion on that subject any more." And then I'd leave the room or end the phone conversation if he didn't respect that. But again, everyone has different hot buttons. Figure out what yours are, and take steps to protect yourself.
If it turns out that Dad is developing dementia, then expecting him to learn to treat you differently may not be feasible. But you will still need to figure out ways to protect yourself. You are a good person and a good daughter. You deserve to take care of you, too!
I also have been to the ER for panic attacks, depression and anxiety all related to caregiver burnout. Love yourself, even when you don't feel like loving yourself. We are all doing the very best we can. Best of luck to you.
My health and personality deficits are also her favorites. I ignore or ward off the verbal digs, but know they are having an effect on me, because I do not feel as good about myself. Listening to garbage talk all the time really messes up our lives. There are many old people who do this and I wish they would just be quiet. When there is dementia, it gets even worse, because the same digs are revisited with tiring frequency.
In my mother's case, I believe she has the need to reduce me to the level of a lowly maid by seeing me as nothing. It would be too hard on her to be helped by someone she saw as something more. I have realized that I can't change the way she is. I just have to buck up under it or leave. a
I've often heard what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I think it is the silliest statement ever invented. One of the hardest things caregivers face is the verbal abuse and constant complaining of the people they are caring for. Sometimes I think that some people are mad that they have gotten old and are not as able as they once were. Personally I feel that there are only two options: get old or get dead. And at least if someone was lucky enough to get old, they didn't get dead. (Okay, I'm being silly now. Getting old is certainly no fun for many.)
I totally hear what you said, understand how you feel too:) Thanks! Love to say to Dad "well, if I'm doing great must be cause I'm a chip off the old block". Sometimes also want to say "well Dad if you think I suck, maybe you should look at your parenting skills". LOL Haven't said it, but enjoy thinking about it!!!
Going to the ER for this sort of thing is EXTREMELY DIFFICULT! Either you are accused of being a drug seeker, a hypochondriac or flat out attention seeking. It is very hard to get professionals to take you seriously. I would start by asking people you know if they know of any good doctors who deal with anxiety as a specialty. Get multiple names and google them online. You'll be able to see their accomplishments and skills on bio pages. From there, once you have found someone you trust or like, ask about talk therapy as well. Sometimes the psychiatrist can offer talk therapy as well.