I am currently dealing with a very complex situation. I have a parent who is suffering from Alzheimers. The Alzheimers is getting very bad.
However what makes things more complex is that I have never had a good relationship with my family. I had a psychologically and physically abusive childhood. My parent with Alzheimer's and my step parent have never been a source of support in my life. My other parent died when I was young. I believe I have psychological issues as a result of my life growing up. Life is difficult for me. I have been extremely independent for a long time also.
Since leaving the family home I have not had much to do with my parent or step parent. Asides from the occasional meeting for a dinner or lunch two or three times a year. This has been in the nature of formality rather than an engaged experience. I have always remained distant from my family.
Now that my parent is getting bad there are increasing calls upon me to help. This parent has to be supervised at all times due to safety risks and cannot be left alone even for 30 seconds. I have spent around 8 lots of 4/5 hour sessions with the parent in the last couple of months since they got worse. There is increasing pressure upon me to assist and spend more time, supervising, entertaining, helping to toilet, feeding etc.
Now I am concerned about finances. The parent needs to go into care. There is some govt support but its all very complex. There is a fair amount of risk there might be insufficient support to cover it. I am concerned that I will be subjected to pressure to help fund it.
I am also very angry that the parent and step parent have been to blame to be in the financial and health state they are in. They have been reckless with spending for the last 25 years. Holidays, boats, dinners, drinks, parties, excessive travel, cars, non stop. And it still continues now. They have also been unhealthy and the parent undertook all the lifestyle risks for contributing to alzheimers: smoking, drinking, rich diet, no rigorous mental stimulation, no exercise.
I have very little in the way of time to offer. I work two jobs, 6 days a week 50/55 hours a week. I have some money but not a great deal. I don't have enough to afford to buy a home as a live in an extremely expensive part of the world. I live in an extremely frugal manner to try save enough for a deposit.
I am concerned about what little I have being threatened by my parent's situation and the pressure placed upon me after how I have been treated.
I am not sure where things sit with this. I am annoyed by advice from most people who have had a supportive family not have a dysfunctional and abusive childhood and family life like I had so they cant work it out. I feel like my family has caused issues for me and created psychological problems for me rather than been a source of support at any time.
It also difficult as despite all this I still place myself in the shoes of the parent and the anxiety they probable feel and want to help try and ease that.
So I am interested in thoughts as to what might be appropriate level of support I could provide or maybe none at all. I am especially interested to hear from adult children of abusive parents without much resources in a similar situation and what you have done.
In an ideal world what I want is to maybe visit once every three weeks for a couple of hours while there are staff who can take responsibility for feeding and safety etc while I just show them photos or something and also that all the care is covered but that I don't pay for a cent of it.
Thanks
Since u don't seem to live in the US not sure what kind of resources are available to your parent. Or the laws in reference to what your legal responsibility is towards him.
Yes I am interested to hear from people from abusive parents who have faced these issues and how they dealt with them. I hope there are some who can share experiences.
Who else is there who could take on planning for what needs to happen? Is there someone in the family, for instance someone who is putting pressure on you? You are correct in saying that it is very complex. Your parents could hire someone to do it – other posters can suggest how to go about it. It might be a good way to spend their money now.
Perhaps the best thing to do is to make a firm decision about what you are prepared to do. While you are doing 5 hour care sessions, it is quite likely that other people will think that you can continue to do as much or more in the future. Setting ‘boundaries’ is really important. I suggest you don’t talk about the 3-weekly entertainment option – it is not a helpful thing to offer your parent or other family members, and just keeps the confusion going about where you stand. Don’t start on FOG (Fear Obligation and Guilt), or let other people drop it on you. Make a decision and stick to it!
Best wishes, Margaret
Pressure has been getting place upon me by other relatives. Once from an extended relative. I caved in based on blood ties but then later was very angry thinking how dare they, I have had next to nothing to do with them in my life and they have no status in it. So I am going to need to be a bit more territorial about my resources towards others in the future. A couple of times from the step parent.
Another has been from a sibling. Actually the only one in my family who has ever been supportive of me. So this is a bit trickier. As I don't really want them ending up shouldering it all. But I guess it also is their choice. This is also the person taking the most lead in trying to organise things.
To be honest I don't want to spend a cent on the situation. So I am going to have to really firmly stand my ground on that issue. I could maybe be a little bit more flexible with time, but again I just don't have a lot of resource to throw at this time or money and feel bitter about it, because of the past. Fair point about emphasising empathy too much. A lot of people have a lot of problems. If the shoe was on the other foot my parent and step parent would never have been visiting me so much or paying for my care.
I feel no guilt.
J
I was afraid she would shoot me, so hubby drove her home while I worked with the attorney on emergency guardianship. We put her into a memory care here immediately, even while we worked with her problems. I found I could not visit or take her to the doc alone. She still has would slap & spit at me, but if hubby were there, she was fine. I moved my visits to monthly with the good advice of some of the ladies on this forum who heard what this torture did to me.
Your step father has choices, and he knows it. So what if he hoards the money and keeps it from mom's care? She picked him and then stayed with him even as she knew him more and more. You have no obligation to work or pay for mom.
If anyone asks you about why aren't you serving mama, you can always say, "As a survivor of her childhood abuse, it's best if I'm not in any hands on care for her. Thank you for your concern." The statement is true and makes the inquirer wish they hadn't asked.
To make a long story short, she had to be placed in AL, my brother was the go between, I worked behind the scene found a home for her, packed up her furniture and waited for the movers. We will go back in March, clean out her house and put it up for sale. She lived in NC we in Fl, she is now in Fl.
So, my conscious is clear, I have done what I am willing to, and no more, she is safe, she is in a lovely facility and she loves it!
My boundaries are cast in stone, I will not waiver. It was me or her, I chose me.
Good Luck!
The thing is, the abuse continued into adulthood. I was physically hurt and had very serious physical conditions in my childhood which parent and step parent ignored, and which I didn't even get properly diagnosed until my adulthood. When I was a very young adult and was hit by a car as a pedestrian, I called my parent crying and asking for help, and the parent changed the subject, and quickly hung up. I began to hide my health problems from them, relying only on myself or my closest friends. At 40, after one final abusive phone call from the parent, I decided to go no contact. It has been years, and I have felt free and happy--well, freer and happier--since that decision.
All this to say that even if I were still in limited contact with the parent and step parent, I would never lift a finger to help them. They had the chance to have a good relationship with me when I was totally dependent upon them as a child. They failed that test. I would never put myself in the position of helping them. A dynamic of scapegoating will only be exacerbated once a parent's health turns in their elderly years. It's a terrible thing, trying to help someone who brings up such heartache. It engenders actual physical pain to be in the abusers' presence. It's not just, 'oh, they make me stressed out'. It's physical, emotional and mental torture to think about them or talk with them, or read an email from them. Heck, I still have a visceral reaction when I see their name.
I had PTSD for decades, and I didn't even know it until so late in my life.
The golden child texted me a few years ago saying that parent had some heart issues and was in the ER. I composed many, many responses in my mind to that text, but in the end did not answer it. I am still in limited contact with the golden child, who is otherwise a nice enough person, although with their own issues.
I hope this has been of help to you. It seems strange sharing this intimate story online.
My mother was a mean, physically and verbally drunk who abused me when I was little. It makes me sick to think back on how she could treat her own kid that way. I was so little...
Anyways, you DO NOT owe your parent Anything! DON'T you Dare use YOUR MONEY to pay for their care!!
You only do what you are willing to do and if you decide to do nothing then do nothing. You have all rights to walk away if that is what is best for you. Because I live with my mother I can tell you that all the old painful memories will come back like a flood that can drown you. If I knew then what I know now I would have walked away yrs ago!
Your parent made his or her bed and he/she can lay in it. You don't owe them anything! You are worth being love and you deserve to have peace and joy.
Some parents do not deserve the respect or love from their kids!
Hugs!!
"I don't have enough to afford to buy a home as a live in an extremely expensive part of the world."
Step parent is responsible for their spouse.
My dad went and married a whore that alienated him from his entire family, when he became ill, she left. He called on me. I helped him get better by making sure that he was receiving the best care possible. I could not have him in my home, nor could I feel much because of his choices. I had already grieved the loss of my dad and I wasn't willing to go through the games again.
This truly isn't your problem, when people start putting pressure on you, you can tell them it is none of their business, period. Do 9nky what you feel able to do, but don't give up your security so they don't have to live in a facility that they don't want to or be where they don't want to be, this is what they planned for. You are not responsible to suffer the consequences of their bad choices.
In situations like this where it’s not about some super-perfect parent/person who showed you nothing but love for all of your life — that is all I go by because all that matters to me is how *I* feel, since I’m the one who has to live with what I did or didn’t do for that person.
Some of us with parent issues can tell you to cut ties easily. Some of us with good relationships with parents can say, “They’re still your parents...” and suggest you do more. Also, how you deal with the events of your childhood is different than how I may have dealt with it with my personality, right?
You're the one who will go on living after this parent is long gone. All that matters is you making sure you will feel no regret. This isn’t about whether this parent (you don’t indicate mom or dad, or even a pronoun so I can guess!) was a good parent to you or not, as much as you doing what YOU feel is enough as the child of said parent. That is entirely subjective.
Good luck.
Once all their assets are depleted according to the rules then they can get assistance, but that should never come from you or your siblings. You all have your retirement to plan for.
Of course it will escalate, be prepared. That's how some people get their way. They make it easier to do what they want then to deal with their uglies.
You can do this!! Hugs!
1. Take the diffiicult childhood and dysfunctuonal family out of the equation, and what do you have remaining? Someone whose physical and mental health, not to mention their safety, would be best served in an aged care facility, and the memory care unit at that. It really is that simple! If everyone is finding the going tough now, think of how it will be when your parent is in advanced stage of Alzheimers. The wear on carers is enormous, it really does take a toll on health, it wears them down to a point that they can become ill themselves through all the stress. Are you ready for that?
As far as putting yourself in your parents place regarding anxiety and so forth, that is a fools errand. Here is a tip. Dementia is not pretty. The more advanced it becomes the worse the behaviour becomes. There will be non compliance with everything from medications, to eating, to personal hygiene. There is verbal abuse, there can be physical threats and acts of violence. No amount of hand holding, soothing music, conversations over photo albums will soothe the patient. There will be no Come to Jesus moment when the parent recognises they were abusive and ask your understanding. There will be no conversation, no logic, no explanations. Are you ready for that?
2. You dont need your family to guilt you into helping, either physically or financially. You are doing a good job of that to yourself. Sounds like you still carry all the baggage from the childhood abuse, a big part of which is guilt. What happened to you was not your fault. If you had no therapy as an adult it might be a good idea if you book in for a few sessions. You sound emotionally fragile with all this unresolved guilt and anger over something you could not control. I have a friend in a similar position who had therapy more than 30 years after she left home. She says she wished it had been offered to her much earlier, she may have found confidence and contentment earlier than her mid life.
By the way, it is not your responsibility to fund your parents care, nor contribute financially in any other area. The family should sell all the parents assets to fund care in a facility. After that is exhausted, let the government pay. You have your own retirement to fund so keep your financial matters private from the family. If the family refuses to sell everything then it is up to them to make other arrangements. If they are refusing because your parent would not want this to happen then they are just being ridiculous considering the advancing dementia. The time will come when the parent will forget what a home is, let alone where it was or what it looked like. That is the reality.
Meanwhile, keep working, keep saving, it sounds like you are alone (independent) and are the only one going to be looking out for your financial security. Do not overstretch the assistance you are giving in the care of your parent.
Normally I would advocate pitching in and helping family where frail aged people are concerned, because siblings often dont share the load fairly, we read that in this forum regularly. But where dementia is involved, and carers are not in good physical or mental health themselves to cope with the horrible disease from the outset AND there are only excuses, not genuine reasons, for accessing memory care units, a different approach is essential.
Look after yourself, ignore everyone else and go with what you feel
good luck, and best wishes
Jesus heals, prayer is good, so is therapy.
I’ll be praying for you (and I don’t mean that in the snarky way some people use it 🤣)
You obviously have a good heart because you care ❤️ A truly messed up person wouldn’t ask this kind of question on a platform like this looking for advice and support, so don’t be too hard on yourself 😉
If any money has been exchanged/given to you by them or from their accounts, that will be considered a "gift" by Medicaid and a penalty period for that amount of money in relation to the cost of care will be imposed.
My advice is to visit with an Elder Care Attorney/Medicaid Attorney so you understand your situation. This way, you have your answers. Make sure that this attorney understands Medicaid procedures and rules, not all Elder Care Attorneys do.
I hope this helps.
You and your therapist can work together to figure out the best course of action and also how to help you manage and deal with some very complex emotions based on your family history.
We are only human and care-giving pushes us to the limit on all fronts. So, your patience can wear thin, down to the abuse you suffered. Don't put yourself or the elder in a potentially dangerous situation.
I agree with everyone about therapy. Help from a safe distance and get help for yourself.
Good luck!