Did anybody let their parent "suffer the consequences" of being stubborn?

Go ahead and line up the part time help she needs and you will find out that she will decide she likes it after all. Even the company they give her. My parents did not want anybody coming in and I got someone anyway and my Dad was especially glad we did after she had been there about a week or so. She did light housekeeping and helped my Mom with her meal because my Dad was older and having a difficult time. It will also give you peace of mind which is also valuable so it is a win for both of you. She will bark about it for a week or two until she bonds with one. Speaking as a daughter who had 2 stubborn parents. You have to take the reins as the decision maker.

My mother was so argumentative and stubborn that she fought with me about everything, bathing, meds, on and on. I did trick her when she refused to go to the Dr. I called an ambulance and took her to an ER. She loved riding in the ambulance and they kept her for 3 hours and did lots of tests. I finally got a complete reading for her health. Another time I called an ambulance to take her to her own Dr. Adding a few more people into the mix cut into her stubborness. Now she's in assisted living and the CNA's are much better with her than I was.

Betsey P

I'm so glad to get everyone's perspective.....after hearing your stories, one thing that's becoming clearer to me is: I will not neglect my health and my family to care for mom....(easier said than done) but aI know the boundaries now after all the discussions here.....thank you all sooooo much.

My late parents were the same way. Mom was the worse toward my dad. She thought we abandoned her at the nursing home. She wanted to go home. Mind you, she went to the NH because she broke arm, leg, and had pneumonia. She didn’t want therapy anymore because she thought she was heal.

Just remember that your mom is “not there” and you’re dealing with a person has dementia. You can’t change her mind.

My dad refused getting help, taking showers, and changing his clothes. It was very tiresome of asking him what to do. He used to yell at me, but never hurt me physically at all. I left them alone when they were combative with me.

At that time, I knew my mom and dad were “dead” long time before they passed away. I used to cry every night after I held it in front of them. I was extremely patent with them.

Yes! Dad went home alone (3 states away) and lasted 10 days. His 2 week hospital stay was enough for him to realize that he needed to be closer to family.

Not sure if anyone mentioned this, but if Mom is at the early stages of dementia, but still has capacity, you should get a Power of Attorney/Health Care proxy done as soon as possible.

My elderly mother has Obsessive Compulsive Hoarding Disorder....and I literally cannot do anything / force her to accept help because she still has "capacity" (despite being mentally ill).

While I couldn't get her to accept help now, when it might actually improve her quality of life, I was able to get her to agree to a POA and Health Care Proxy. That way, when something bad does happen, and it will, I have the paperwork to make decisions for her.

Once Mom's dementia advances, and she no longer has mental capacity, you will not be able to have her sign a POA, and if you do it may not be enforceable. So even though I know I am not discussing your immediate problem, it never hurts to plan ahead for when you CAN make the decision for her.

Good luck - it's so hard when they won't accept help. Especially when you are not close by. Just do what you know is right.

The problem lies in our parents NOT being declared incompetent but they really are. We have no actual legal power to enforce better decisions for their care unless they agree with us or if they suddenly do become incompetent through storke or other type of catastrophic illness. Make sure your mother has a Medical Power of Attorney or Durable POA document along with her will so you can step in when needed. I have a friend whose father resists any help at all...remaining in his two story home but not even able to climb steps. The two adult children are powerless to help because he has not been declared incompetent. Yet he is in a deep depression with debilitating arthritis. It is a situation which may have a tragic ending. I would sit down with your mother to say how worried you are....that maybe she will accept an aid, for your sake if not her own. Then you will need to tell yourself you did the best you could for her under the circumstances. If she has a friend or other relative who lives near her, perhaps they will agree to visit her regularly and give you a report. Speak to the assisted living facility and ask they they assess her to determine if she is safe living there. They do have the power to get her into the safest environment if they are unable to care for her increased needs. Good luck!

I have some very simple advice. First, do all you can to help the "sick" person. If you have truly done everything you could, YOU MUST THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST. If nothing works, let them suffer the consequences of what they are doing. Nothing is going to stop consequences and problems and if you allow them, YOU will be destroyed. Let them see what happens and start totally ignoring helping them in any way. It will either wake them up or make YOU see the necessity of removing them from your presence and putting them somewhere so YOU can have the life you deserve. No if's, and's or but's.

My daughter-in-law's 92 year-old grandmother just was found nearly gone on the floor by her bed a few days ago, and she never woke up. She apparently had had a fall a day or two previously and didn't appear to have any serious injury, but she may have had a brain bleed or something similar. She had a history of falls and other health issues, but insisted on living alone and locked her house up tight every night. My DIL wound up jimmying a window to get in when she wasn't answering calls. Her family wasn't getting anywhere with her allowing an aide or a facility--

Yup. I do it all the time. I’m so fed up with my whole situation. I believe my situation is far more worse than your situation. My mom is 83, she has a forty five years old guy taking care of her but he is just using her for her money and home. He doesn’t work he deals drugs. Yes drugs. And he gives them to my mother so he can control her. He goes through everything and steals everything but moms to gullible to see it. He doesn’t clean at all the house is disgusting. It use to be a beautiful house. I had to remodel and clean my grandparents after him and his friend lived here. Then moved to moms. This has been within the last six years.. it’s a long story. I’ve gotten lawyers, police and APS involved and no one will do anything as she can live the way she wants to after her doctor and the hospital said she is incapacitated. She calls me to help but when I do go and help he finds one of his drug addict girlfriends to do it and then mom treats me like SH-t. I’ve done this so many times thinking every time she has figured out this guy is bad for her life. But no he can do no wrong. I thought I’d write to tell you you aren’t alone and there’s other people with worse situations. I just have to walk away or it’s going to kill me first. I get so stressed out. And trying to find someone that can help is a impossible task. I need a protective order against him. But can’t find or afford one. It’s ridiculous that APS won’t do anything mom sleeps in mice poop and hasn’t had a shower in over 25!years and I’m not joking. I’m in fear for her life but I can do nothing it’s her choice . It’s hard for people when they get up in age to let go of control. And my mom is very very controlling. She uses me. I had that place cleaned up three times just to have him return and destroy it again when I come around he starts taking care of my mom better so she doesn’t depend on me this is what he wants. But she has to learn the hard way. She only cares for herself. She could careless how I feel I think she in joys hurting me or she is just to controlled by him. She doesn’t want to give up her ability to do things for herself like your mom. But the choice she is making is putting her in harms way,,, it’s hard to see a family member get taken advantage of but what can we do . Nothing. Wait until they are bedridden or fall and break a hip and end up somewhere so people can take better care of them. I say live your life focus on you and your family because I believe our mothers won’t give up until something happens to them it’s sad but true .. I can’t wait for the day I can say I told you so. But I’ve done this many times just to have her go back to the way it was. The court system and APS need to change something they give elder adults way to much independents to make choices for themselves i believe because my mom’s situation is way out of hand. And how can they evaluate someone if they don’t even know them that’s what I don’t understand. It makes APS look lazy. But they say it’s very hard to go in front of a judge and take a persons rights away. They need to re look it. Im loosing everything because of it and my mom isn’t getting properly taken care of. They did an investigation on this guy and even told me that they would not have this guy taking care of someone but let alone I cannot do anything about it.
I know it’s hard thinking something has to happen first before anything can be done but as far as legality’s go our hands are tied. Alls we can do is pray nothing happens to our mothers. I’ve had to learn to let go and focus on my life. Like I said it’s tearing me and my husband up. And gets worse every time I go back. I feel for you I know exactly what you are going through. Good luck 🍀

robinr: trust me, boundaries have to be set. Of course you don’t act like a gestapo agent, especially if some dementia is present. But you give them the framework within which decisions will be made. I learned the hard way - and watched a cousin suffer a major heart attack trying to do everything for her mother & stepdad - that you have to take care of yourself first. Otherwise you won’t have the resilience to care for another.

I let my Dad suffer the consequences once. It wasn't as if I could actually have done otherwise.

he threw the pills he needed to take each evening back in my face. Telling me to shove them. He was in full on panic because he said those drugs were not proscribed by his doctor, but by some alien....the VA was taken over by aliens.

i wasn't going to even think I could fight that battle. This was at a time when his liver was failing too....no way a prescription for a sedative could be justified, any benefit could not outweigh the added damage. So.........

As APS told me when my mom was making bad choices and fighting with me about getting help, going into AL, etc., unless the person is declared legally incompetent, they have a right to make their own decisions and choices, even if they are bad. APS actually "threatened" me and said that if I forced my mom to do anything against her will, they would step in and stop me. SOOO, that shed a whole new light on things for me. While I was incredibly angry, as I was so stressed and worried and spending so much time trying to do what was best for my mother, as many, many folks here have done, it made me stop and realize that, in fact, it IS that person's life and they DO have a right to live it the way they choose....just like we each have a right to live our lives, too....and SHOULD put ourselves first. If the person is so stubborn that they can't be talked to or reasoned with, then you absolutely should leave them alone and let them do what they want....as long as it isn't hurting someone else. All you can do is try to show them how much better things might be, but if they refuse to listen, don't kill yourself trying to change them. At this point you must realize they are NOT going to change....EVER! They have lived their life and done things their way up until now....why should things change now? Of course, if they are not competent, or are hurting someone else with their actions, that is a different story and may require legal action to make changes. But if they are taking responsibility for their choices and are at peace with them, then you should be too. Take responsibility for your own life and take care of yourself. Let them know that if and when they want help, you are there to help however you can when the time comes, but until then, try to be at peace and understand that you are not responsible for someone else's actions and choices.

My 83 year old dad just recently 'escaped' a rehab center that was supposed to help him after he had new stents put in. He was stubborn and waited too long to get them replaced. He is lucky to be alive.The place was very crowded and from the minute he was there he said it made him feel old. While he was there he got it in his mind that every one was against him and that they were keeping him against his will. He threatened to call the cops—yet they kept telling them he was only in rehab and could sign himself out. The reason they didn't want to release him is because he needed someone at home to care for him that could assist him medically. They were stalling. Now, my dad can barely walk across the room or lift anything. He needs help but has decided that he wants to die in his house. I still have a family of my own and have decided to give myself some space from him because he is so hard to deal with. Honestly, I expect to go visit him one day and find that he has passed on. I can't lift him or offer him medical assistance. He has made his choice and wants to stay where he is. I've made me choice and am trying to adjust to the fact he may not be around much longer so I try to remember the good times. The person he is now, I don't recognize. Hulacat13, said it best. I think too, letting go is a natural part of life.

Rovana: I hold no regrets. Did what I had to do.