My mom has beginning dementia and she's visiting me from India. I will take her back next month - she refused to let me apply for a green card here.
So I want to hire a p/t aide for a few hours for her. Mom lives in a senior center which is good only for regular seniors, not dementia. Mom is very upset about getting an aide and insists she will manage on her own.
Mom doesn't care that both I and my brother are in foreign countries and cannot rush to her side in a heartbeat. She says stupid things like,"I hope you come for my funeral at least " etc. I feel with an aide's help mom can still have a better quality of life but mom doesn't get this idea at all.
I am very tempted to leave mom alone in her senior center and wait for a catastrophe. I'm getting tired of being a good kid and looking out for her. Has anyone actually left their parent alone because they were too stubborn to take help?
I can, of course, blackmail her she will not go back unless she accepts an aide.
Thank you!
The last time was when I made a doctor's appointment to have her medicines checked - her eyes were always glazed over. This is often a sign of medicines.
The night before, she called and told me not to pick her up, she had cancelled the appointment. I told her I expected her to do that and after a small bit of conversation, we ended the call. My mother simply couldn't handle anyone helping her in any way. She was stubborn to the end.
Mom passed away on New Year's Day 2004, sometimes you just can't fight them. She left behind my father and I assisted him for another 7.5 years until he too passed on.
Ive dropped off meals on wheels to people that should have been in a health care unit. A lot of the places smelled like very strong urine. Some people were sitting in the dark. It did not occur to them to put the light on. They did not bathe or change clothes. They did not visit with others living there, or do activities. A very lonely existance.
If it werent for the meal, they probably wouldnt eat. If they remember to eat.
I think she would be better off with more care. To see she is toileting, bathing and looked after. So what if she gets mad. She will get mad whatever the situation. It is better that she is looked after than left alone. Good luck.
I'm in touch with mom's neighbors and management and will, of course, speak to them about the aide. Anyway, the aide's contact info has to be registered with the management. They will . handle things for 48 hours if there is an emergency and I am very thankful for this.
As Whyarewe says, I've to focus on her safety now and my own peace of mind.
Thank you, everyone - I'm just very nervous! I know I will keep coming back here to ask for more advice!
I would not try to put her in a facility here. There would be a language barrier plus cultural. In Moms AL there was an Italian lady who lived most of her life in the US so could speak English. With Dementia, though, she switched back to Italian, her birth language. She may have understood English but only spoke in Italian. Another lady only Spanish and only one aide who spoke it.
Could the agenda behind this be that your mother would like it if you, in her perfect world, were to relocate to India? (where in India, by the way? - big place!)
What do the managers at the senior centre recommend?
Or, are you giving the blackmail idea serious thought? - would you actually like her to move near to you?
As long as mom shows up at the dining hall for 3 meals and is ok, the managers don't see anything wrong with her. They say it's upto her kids to figure out her long-term care.
Im not too keen on having mom live with me if she needs 24/7 care - its v tiring even now to cook an Indian breakfast and lunch and rush to my job and then find ways to keep her mind engaged.
I am in the US and we hired someone called an Aging Life Specialist to be in contact with our stubborn senior. She is a social worker with over 30 years of experience and she has been a big help. But even she is saying all we can do is offer the help and wait until he will accept it.
There have been two incidents that I think would have required us to make an emergency visit and we didn't have to fly up there because we had her on site and she went to the ER, kept us informed and helped the senior navigate his options.
If there is someone in India who would oversee your mother's situation it would probably be a comfort to you and your brother. Is there anyone at her current senior center that could give you some guidance?
You will need to find an aide who is a good personality fit for your mom and that might take a few tries. It would be great to have some local oversight of the situation.
Best of luck.
I found that my own life had to go on hold when my late father moved in with me. It's something we have to get used to. Consult with a pro in dementia and find out what you will need to nail down in India so you can sleep at night. Take her back and just do what needs doing, whether she likes it or not. As much as you can, keep her in ignorance about her future. And stop expecting her to be rational about any of the plans for her future. Just have things lined up and ready to go.
When she makes a funeral comment, just agree with her, then let it go. You know how she is, just ignore the intent and remember she is not really still the mother you knew.
Do what needs to be done for her safety and care and and don't fret. Some things we can do, and if dealing with someone who doesn't have it all together, we just do it or we pass our parents on to people who can do what needs doing.
I hired a morning attendant for my father--who was living in a facility near me, but didn't offer as much help and care as he needed. He was closer to her than to me, which was a relief, as it gave me some time to live my own life. Whatever he said about me was irrelevant as long as he was safe and cared for. When I was young he was "all there," loving and somewhat lovable. But those things change. At advanced old age, he was a new person.
We do what we can and don't beat ourselves up for our mistakes when we first walk this painful path. Much later now, I consider my dad a "learning experience," and regret my failures, but don't beat myself up about them. Your mother is your learning experience. I hope you can do the best you can with what you have to work with, and it lets you sleep at night. Loss of sleep can contribute to your own dementia.
When it comes to consequences can the senior center handle things.
Don’t ‘blackmail’ your mother into staying with you. It could be a disaster for both of you. And most people can't stop a parent from being stubborn when they are in the next room, let alone on the other side of the Pacific Ocean!