Did caregiving permanently ruin your relationship with your siblings?

As far as I’m concerned I no longer have a sibling. That bond is broken forever…….there’s nothing left for him at all!

To answer your question No - my relationship with my siblings was already destined for ruin when my father died. Did it ruin my marriage? YES! Your primary relationship is with your husband. I repeat - your most important relationship is with your husband!

You mention that your caregiving plan is uneven - when you initially started caregiving for them was the plan even and others have backed out of the plan? Or did you start caregiving and assume or expect they would just step up and balance things out?

All due respect - people will take what you give. We see this topic a lot here. I'm also in an unbalanced caregiving arrangement. And I'm on the other side of it. My BIL and SIL live with my FIL (due in part to their own need, in part to his). My DH and I live an hour away. We help where we can, but we are not primary caregivers and logistically we cannot be. But also, we would not choose to be if they were not there. If they did not live there, it has already been made clear that his needs are beyond what we could provide for and that we would assist in finding a Skilled Nursing Facility - as we are still employed and have a family at home. Because they live in his home, he has "free" in home caregivers 24/7. But if they choose to leave, we will have to find an alternate caregiver solution for him - either he will have to hire 24/7 caregivers or we will have to help him find a SNF. This is our boundary.

We are happy to help where logistically possible. But we do not want to be full time caregivers and actually cannot be at this stage in our lives.

We are working very hard to ensure that this doesn't impact our relationship with SIL/BIL because we are very close to them. We understand that there is some resentment that we don't pull the same weight (but there is a very delicate balance here because they are also mutually dependent on each other) and we talk through that with them. They understand that we can't be there 24/7 and any time issues bubble up we do our best to resolve them.

I say all of that to say this. If you did not have their agreement up front to share equally in this arrangement - it's not exactly fair to expect them to participate in what you signed up for. We all have a line we have to draw and decisions we have to make about what we will and will not do in our lives. You have a high level of caregiving in your life that you have either been ok with or felt that you should give and that's very commendable on your part. But that doesn't mean that your siblings owe anyone that.

Often we are guilty of thinking that we owe our parents care. In my mind what we owe them is a duty of care. That is different. It means that we owe them ensuring that they are cared for. It doesn't mean that we have to be the ones that provide the hands on care. It sounds to me like you are wearing yourself absolutely completely out on caregiving. You have gone from one caregiving arrangement to another. Have you considered that it might be time to hang up the hat and look into finding someone else to do the hands on caregiving? And I don't mean another sibling. I mean a professional caregiver. Either in a skilled caregiving setting or a private home caregiver. When do you get to live your life?

You say you don't know if you want anything to do with your siblings when this is all done. Your siblings are setting their boundaries. And you are judging them for it. Because they haven't made the same choices that you have. And while I understand the resentment, it is completely unfair to expect them to make the same choices that you have. Just as you have the right to make the choices that you have made, they also have the right to make the choices they have made. They just don't align to the vision that you have. And maybe it's time to change the vision so that life is a little easier. Why are you sacrificing yourself and your marriage? People will continue to take what you give until there is nothing left.

Pack up your things and go back where you belong...with your husband.

Your relationship will either survive or it won't and trust me it will never be the same if it does.

Take back your life, the ball is in your court.

I'm in this situation now, the other side. One of my siblings, I never had a close relationship with, him being the first child and me being the second, I think he bullied me a lot when I was younger due to jealously and that carried on into adulthood. He treated me awfully during caregiving and we basically never speak now. I had a closer relationship with my sister originally, but after caregiving again things really came to a head when she walked out saying she was putting her own life first. She did come back later, but still those words stung and throughout the whole caregiving I was struggling. Now , I am questioning whether to try to build the relationship, but since trust has been broken down, and I know she would not be there for me in future. She was not there for me during the most difficult time of my life. Our lives. It's difficult, she seems to want to make amends, but she won't apologize, only "I'm sorry you FELT that way". We cannot agree on what happened, so there is no point in talking about it anymore. I think about her sometimes and the relationship we used to have, it's a shame we cannot have that anymore but it feels like we are different people now. She has changed, her values have changed. Maybe we will talk again, but right now, I didn't feel like it.

I have two words for you; go home! You are putting your health, life and marriage in jeopardy. It sounds like your father has the resources to handle his care.

I don't have any real relationships left. All of my siblings are older than me. I have an older sister who is currently in a nursing home. As far as I'm concerned, she is being well taken care of. She has a house and five living children. I think one of them left the caregiving scene. The daughter is the youngest and apparently had been taking care of her mom's responsibilities. Another one is living in another state who holds the POA. I get a call from my dad's stepdaughter about my sister's house. I didn't return the call. My doctor had placed on on bedrest that week due to an extremely high blood pressure that was in stroke range. Did I call those folks back? Nope. They are grown adults. They can handle it. I did my share of caretaking when I was younger. According to society, I will be in that old person's category. So, since the so-called stepfamily couldn't reach me, my sister's kids called my brother who is about thirteen years older than me to take on a POA for my sister. I didn't call him back to find out what he decided. He doesn't see any reason to stay in contact with me, and I don't press it. He is an old man.

Family members don't care about the shape you are left in after you are divorced, lacking resources, and your life is in total shambles after these caregiving experiences. One thing I learned is that nursing homes can be the best alternative when a caregiver had done all that they've done. Tell these folks you can no longer do this, and go no JADE. JADE means no justifying, no arguing, no defending and no explaining. You don't owe people your life. It's okay to walk away. Find a nursing agency who can send an aide out to help him and turn this over to someone else.

I’m so sorry you lost your dog. Sibling alienation, that’s what I’ve been (& am) going thru. I’ve cut ties with my 3 siblings.. They’re toxic. I don’t see me ever having them back in my life. I’m ok with that because it is best for me.

My brother was 20 years older than I was and we weren't ever close. We had a discussion of what to do come the time our mother needed to move out of her house. Reasons abounded why she couldn't move in with either one of us. While she still lived home, my brother was the one with money so he paid for a lot of things as needed. I did what little I could financially but the rest of what she required was largely on me.

He decided come the time to move her into a NH, I would do everything involving the process, start to finish. I asked if he wanted to review things with me as they unfolded. He said no, he trusted me.

A few years later, I had no choice left but to do "the dreaded deed." As will happen in families under stress, things were said (including "How can you do this to my mother?!!"----I was adopted and treated much differently than was "the golden boy," so his comment really stung.) That conversation didn't get any better, and ended with him hanging up on me.

I was done at that moment. We didn't speak for 15 years, and no one else in the family spoke to me. It was fine by me. I didn't regret it since the stress of the entire family dynamic had disappeared. I felt light and free.

He reconnected after a life-altering event. Whatever the reasons, we finally became more brother and sister than just people in the same family who knew each other. So, it can happen.

P.S.: I do believe that our mother not being around helped somewhat. She used to pit us against each other--golden boy vs. the other one. I also think both of us having grown older helped. Mmmm, no, I know it did.

I will not be in contact with my sibling after this hard difficult task is finished.
I will not be in contact with the extended family that haven't made much effort.
Some families might recover but mine isn't because this has just been too hard and difficult to do basically by oneself. I don't want to hear excuses. So I will take my husband's hand and walk through the door and close it behind us and walk back into our own life.

Sometimes you just have to remove your toxic siblings from your life. I have taken care of my mom for almost 6 years, basically sole caregiver. She is now going into assisted living. Her house has been sold and I am packing it up currently all by myself. Not that I expected any help. 3 more weeks and I will never have to deal with my brother again. All those years of begging my brother for help with her are almost over. It’s sad, but some siblings only think about themselves. I’m at peace knowing I have done the best for my mom all these years. I have no intentions of ever speaking to him again. Good luck and hugs

Your question in the title really resonated with me. I can relate to the feelings of anger, unfairness, and not wanting to have anything to do with my siblings after being stuck with all the responsibility of 2 difficult toxic parents. My caregiving experience is finally over and now that the estate is settled I've severed all ties.

I was the oldest of 3 and the only female. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 1997, so my mental health has been fragile for many years. I never had kids and knew I'd never be able to have my parents live under the same roof with me. It was never an option which I always made clear. I joined the Navy to get away from my dysfunctional family. Then when I retired to Florida, the folks moved 1200 miles to the same retirement community. The next several years I had to help them with everything and they moved several times; 2 Independent Living apartments and then Assisted Living. The worry and stress took its toll on my health and they argued and complained constantly. Now I never expected any hands on help from my brothers as they lived 1200 miles away. (They were also my narcissist father's favorites, especially the youngest.) He would at least call and occasionally visit. The middle brother never bothered, barely a card or email to keep in touch with the folks. But I thought I'd at least get some moral support for when I was feeling overwhelmed with everything I was dealing with.
Shortly after my mom died, I was diagnosed with liver disease, had a failed surgery making me legally blind in one eye, AND was declared dead by the SS Administration. All while dealing with my sociopathic father which made my PTSD flare up. When I dared to vent how overwhelmed I was via text, my youngest brother's new wife (less than a year in the family) had the nerve to post this about me in Facebook:
"Ok I need to vent! No job and don’t clean your own house or mow and keep your own lawn. Your husband busts his ass to make money and you b*tch you can’t handle everyday sh*t and can’t “adult today”. Feeling fed up with the whining. Get a clue and a dose of reality. Appreciate the life you have fallen into and the people who keep you comfortable. Take a small part of responsibility even if it inconveniences you. 😡"
That was the last straw! I was so shocked and hurt. Never mind that I had spent nearly $60,000 of my own money to ensure our parents were taken care of and I never asked for a penny for help (and they never offered either.) And yes, they knew I'm a disabled Veteran with PTSD. I went no contact and after 15 more months, the old man finally passed. As sole Trustee, I waited 18 months to send the inheritance checks. I attached a letter to each of them, letting them know how I felt and saying my final words. That helped me to start healing and letting go of the anger. I have finally moved on and have no intention of speaking to them ever. It galled me that they got their 1/3 of the assets when they did nothing to deserve it, but hey, they always were the Golden Child and I was the scapegoat. I learned in childhood that life wasn't fair.
I don't have any guilt or grief as I know I did my best and sacrificed my best retirement years.
To answer your questions, yes caregiving permanently ruined our sibling relationships and no, I will never forgive how they deserted me. Every family is different. Your results may vary. Please believe that you have nothing to feel guilty about if you decide to sever ties with toxic family members.
Wishing you much luck.

Caregiving my mother was the icing on a bad relationship with my brother. He did nothing to help and a lot to hinder.

I lived my life as a nurse. It never occurred to me to do in home care for any of my relatives; in all truth I was not raised to be expected to do it, and my limitations (mental) would never have allowed me to take that on. What care I gave I gave TO a sibling, my brother, who was diagnosed with probable early Lewy's Dementia. I was his POA and the Trustee of his Trust, helped him sell his last home, helped him find an ALF, paid all his bills and handled his finances during his illness, and settled is estate after his death. I was his ONLY sibling.
So let me ask you to look at it this way. What if you HAD no siblings.
None at all.
It's just you.
Would you have taken on all this care? Because it was you who took it on. It was your choice. And I think the hard time comes when we see what we are doing to OURSELVES and to our own immediate nuclear family through OUR OWN CHOICE.
Yes, I was very lucky. My parents worked hard and they saved even harder and they got themselves in places with care that increased by need when they were elderly. And my brother and I loved one another deeply all our lives. While the managing as POA and Trustee was something I had to learn from scratch I was handling the estate of a very organized and agreeable man, and I am of an organized bent myself. I consider myself very very lucky indeed.
But I am going to ask you to let your siblings out of the picture, out of the equation and not look at it with them in mind. We have on Forum seen HORRIBLE siblings who cheat and steal the parents until there is nothing left while one struggles to care for them. We have seen siblings as war trying to tear their parents apart before they die. We have seen dreadful things. And it is hard for siblings to work together and to share care. But at last, at the final countdown you are left with your own choices. You are caring for parents one after another to the detriment of your own health and well being and that of your family.
I would suggest counseling. This isn't about your siblings. If they didn't exist this would be all about you in the most clear way. And ultimately it is about you. You have to come to terms with the fact that this is your ONE LIFE and you are going to have to face up to the grief of not being able to do it ALL.
I am a caregiver by nature and I know how this can hurt, but trying to do it all is putting yourself on an altar that brings grief to yourself and others.
I am so sorry. Many here face daily how tough this is all. You are going to get lots of sympathy from those who suffer as you do and suffer worse. I wish you the very best.

Why on earth are you doing this?

Screw your relationship with your siblings. What you should be asking is if you will have any husband on the other side of this experience.

The elders of your family have ample resources and a wide network of potential caregivers. They don't need you. Assuming that your husband still thinks he does, I recommend you pack up and go home.

Everything I see above -- beyond your sister tossing you belongings, and I'm going to assume that was unintentionally done -- are choices you've made. As has been said in this forum a thousand times, why should anyone look for a solution when you're already there fixing everything?

Other than your stepfather's kids who are completely out of line (but who knows the story about their relationship with their dad), everyone seems to be stepping up to one extent or another. You having abandoned your marriage completely for YEARS is absurd, but look at it from your siblings' point of view -- Susie (you) is willing to do that, so thank goodness I don't have to.

Your suggestion that everyone rotate duties fell on deaf ears, so why not call another family meeting and lay out some boundaries -- "I am going back to my husband and my life on (say) June 1, so what do you all suggest we do about everyone's care?" Their ideas may not align with what you think is acceptable, so you will either have to acquiesce to what they're willing to do or continue on the road you're on.

You can't force anyone live up to your demands on their time, so I suggest you become more willing to let this be a family decision rather than only your decision. If you can't do that, then there'll you'll stay, seething and resenting people who have laid down boundaries when you could not.

I think other than giving your things away, this isn't an issue with your siblings. You have decided to put your life on hold and potentially damage your relationship with your husband in order to provide care. Your siblings won't do it so why are you? If your FIL can't live totally independently and you don't want to provide the level of care you are, you need to make the decision to leave. You are choosing to be a career carer and either should accept it or make a different decision and move out, back to your husband, and get on with your life. You will not change them and if you choose to hold them accountable for not doing something, you will destroy your relationship with them, but this is your decision.

Honestly, you have to go into this with the mindset that "This is what I am willing to do" and not care what everyone else is or isn't doing. Keeping score will never end well.

There is no reason why you should be living away from your husband....or that other relatives should be doing lawn care. Step dad needs to sell his place if he can't take care of it and get a senior apt or independent living. Do you realize you are giving up your life so his doesn't have to change? Why?