After a hellacious few weeks of a hospital admission and a stay at a geriatric psych facility, my mother is finally being transferred to a long-term memory care center tomorrow. Our healthcare advocate suggested not visiting until she's settled, which I've definitely heard before in my online research, but I feel very uncomfortable about that. She's still "with-it" enough to recognize and understand the changes and we've been visiting almost every day the past few weeks, as we were not entirely comfortable with the level of her care. I'm worried that she'll be totally confused and feel suddenly abandoned and she's been waiting desperately to get to see her grandchildren again. What is the rationale behind not visiting initially? I'm not totally opposed if I really thought it was in my mom's best interest. I'm going to call the care facility to hear their take on it, but I'd love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thanks in advance!
There are recreational activities that she will miss because you are there - unless your mom wouldn't go on her own - there usually is a way to check with the rec dept. - I have occationally jointed mom for live music, bingo, art projects but she was already participating
You will have to balance the above with still giving a sense of family loving & caring for her because you don't want her to feel abandoned either - check with the geriatric phyc people as they know her, her abilities to adapt to change & can give you the best way to proceed so her transition is easy on her
It's a bit like sending a kid to kindergarten that first day. The absolutely worst thing a parent can do is to stand there sniveling and making a big scene when they say goodbye to their kid that first day. What I'm hearing from some of the posts is that the frequent visits were really about the adult child's "emotional needs" - guilt and all that - and not really in the best interests of the elderly parent.
It is often better just to PHONE daily for the first week or so to let the elder settle in - and then pay regular visits on a routine schedule. Been there, done that.
PS - As an aside - on my first day of kindergarten, my father walked me to school. (I was still 4 years old.) He reported that I walked into the room, saw the other kids playing, turned around and said to him, "Daddy, thank you for walking me to school; you can leave now." He said he was emotionally crushed - but he knew I would be just fine in the world after that point.
A week later, I moved her into the community and decided to visit her everyday at first.
I will never regret this decision, as I felt it was cruel to just drop her off and leave her alone for so long. My heart could not do that, no matter what the professionals told me to do.
I myself monitored the frequency of my visits. The nurses saw that I cared, so they also cared for Mom. After 2 weeks, I began skipping a day of visiting, to give her a better chance to adjust to the new schedule.
After 3 months, I began skipping 2 days, so that now I visit her on Wednesdays and Sundays for visits up to 3 hours. I started going with her to the afternoon group activities so that she could know she could go and begin forming those patterns on her own. Well, she hasn't, as she doesn't remember what she is supposed to go to, but her neighbors come by to remind her.
If my work allows it and if I am in the neighborhood on Fridays, I stop by for an hour as there are no afternoon activities those days and the afternoons are always difficult for her (she gets sun downers early if not involved in activities).
Mom has now been in the community for 9 months. Yes, she still prefers to be with us, as she misses us, but that cannot be as my priority had to be her best care, my health and my husband's health and life.
Now, I can better handle her repetitive question of why can't she come home, as she is cared for and loved at the community. AND, I have been able to take 5 day breaks every 2 months or so in order to take much needed rests and refocus my energies on work and other projects...a step at a time!
Bottom line:
This slow approach is harder and takes more time from me than just leaving her there with no contact to us for 3 weeks. BUT, it was they way my heart could do it.
I am very much at peace within myself to have taken this approach.
All my adult life i was there for my mom when she needed ne and vice versa. Yes it got harder on me physically and emotionally but went anyway. In August she was admitted to rehab and in October admitted long term on dementia unit. I visited her every morning minus few days here and there for health or weather issues. Last week dr said she having stomach issue which she had often but usually corrected within few days but this time she didn't need to go to hospital because facility could do same treatment and see how she did later in day. My natural gut said go see her..this was in morning to make sure she was not in pain....i got there within 10 minutes and nurse was calling my cell as i walked in parking lot saying she didn't look good...i got there just minutes before she passed but got to hold her and tell her i love her and then she ket go...my point is that i went with my gut of what i felt was right thing by going when i thought she needed me and because of that i have our last moments together which gave us both peace. ..if i did what others said i never would have that..this happened last week so cery fresh thing for me but everyone on here please go with your gut and heart because nobody there can do that
To answer your question, just go. This is her final leg of life journey, so make it as good for her and you as possible. Once she is gone, you won’t regret the decision! Be her advocate and Go! Go! Go!
Many places ask for the family to wait a month so that the elder can settle in.
Just sayin'.
My son needed surgery as a toddler. I did lots of research on what contributed to the long-term success of this kind of surgery. The factor that correlated best with success was how much the child was separated from parents -- the littler the better. That was even more important than the skill of the surgeon! So as I called clinics I asked what their post-surgery policy was. One said they kept the child 2 weeks and did not permit parental visits. OMG. I did NOT select that clinic! The one I selected had no restrictions on visiting and tried to get the child home within 5 days.
While reading your post, it brought to mind the advice mothers used to get about letting their babies cry it out and not picking them up so often in order to teach them to not be so dependent or to learn to self soothe. As with that advice, every baby is different. I knew when to let them cry and I knew when to pick them up. I say use your intuition and the relationship you have with your mother to guide you.
"Experts" can have many different opinions. I guess we've each got to decide for ourselves.