So my mum cries murder at times when she’s in an irratable mood. When she’s confused she acts out.
At times I need to restrain her which may sound harsh (and quite frankly I hate doing so, it makes me upset) to prevent damage to furniture or the home. As an example,.. she dropped something in the toilet before in her wee! Some old porcelen collectives she had in her pocket. She wanted to grab them out. No problem. I said, I’ll go get a plastic glove and a plastic bag. Upon reaching for them, I said,.. ok now put them in the sink. Not liking the instruction and getting frustrated, she started splashing her wee from the toilet everywhere and also the plastic bag that had been used to retrieve her items. I said stop it, calm down until I was forced to grab her arm tightly and keep it still and say “just let it go”, “stop it”. Now we had wee all over the walls, floor and anything else nearby. This followed by necessary hand washing. I said, let’s take the dirty glove off so we can wash your hands. Well she refused to give the dirty glove screaming like someone was stealing her first born. Eventually when we did manage to take it off, and it was hand washing time, she pumped the soap so much that the sink filled up with bubbles and again she started splashing it everywhere. She knew what she was doing. This wasn’t her confused as to how to wash hands, it was about making things worse (rubbing it in for me daring to give her instructions) and getting a reaction from me, the whole time she kept saying “is that what you want hey”, “is this enough”. This isn’t all dementia, this is part her attitude. Before she came down with dementia, she had drank one night to misery of her sons passing. I get the turmoil she was going through,.. but what happened next was unexpected. I woke up and discovered her in the living room and there was vomit. I comforted her and set out to clean it and had almost got everything done when she all of a sudden came and grabbed the bucket of vomit / cleaning product and threw it back on the floor and over the windows. I actually had to call the ambulance/police at the time as I was frightened about the situation of her state. Anyhow I put it down to an ugly period of time where she had hit rock bottom due to her son's passing and quickly forgave her. Ps she has not drank one drop since apart from maybe a glass on special occasions like Christmas (so she is not an alcoholic). The problem is that she is repeating this behaviour of “wrecking” which at the time I thought was just fuelled by grievance and alcohol. Anyhow,.. I’m feeling really embarrassed when it comes to my neighbours and can hardly face them anymore. I can’t stop thinking how horrible these outburst would sound. It also happens sometimes when I’m dressing her for bed. First she will be completely ok and we’ll take her shirt off to put her pj’s on and suddenly she’ll fling her arms all over yelling “you want to have me naked freezing” “you want me to suffer” “help help”. I’ll try as quickly as possible to hand the pyjama to her or help her put it on and she will rip it off and throw it in the corner and keep going. Now I get dementia patients are really sensitive to cold and so I try and make her room super warm beforehand,.. I try making it as comfortable as possible. I try explain beforehand that we will be exchanging her top etc and the quicker we do it, the sooner it’ll be done and she’ll be under the warm blankets. However sometimes she seems set on just starting something. I personally feel like this is coming from her not wanting me (her daughter) having to assist her. She’s never respected help from younger individuals. Like when choosing a doctor, if they were relatively young, she would say, I’m not taking advice from a youngster who doesn’t know anything. Anyhow I guess I’m just needing to vent, this is really starting to get to me and I also don’t know if I should talk to my neighbours and let them know what’s happening not to alarm them.
Are you still working fulltime? If so, then who is with your mother while you are working?
Has anything changed since you wrote the above 7 months ago? This situation sounds like it's just too much for you to handle. You deserve your own life.
Not liking the instruction and getting frustrated, she started splashing her wee from the toilet. We had wee all over the walls, floor and anything else nearby.
She pumped the soap so much that the sink filled up with bubbles. Again she started splashing it everywhere.
Sudden came and grabbed the bucket of vomit / cleaning product and threw it back on the floor and over the windows.
Refused to give the dirty glove screaming like someone was stealing her first born.
Damage to furniture or the home.
Can you make a page of these incidents and place them where you can see them daily as a reminder that something has to change and change immediately. I would also consider counseling. I’m working with one now so that I’ll have support to transition dad whether it be back to his home or the nursing home and of course because of other family challenges. Counseling is wonderful along with the supportive people (which doesn't mean they will tell you what you want to hear) of this website.
I tried to get dad evaluated by a physiatrist due to not sleeping at night and to have less anxiety and we are still trying (with his primary now) to find our way because I would not want this for him wherever he goes and you shouldn't want this for your mom.
You can always try to test the mom and daughter situation (if possible) or just get in a much needed break. My dad is on the waiver program so I can kind of get a break and see the difference on camera. Tomorrow an aid will be here again along with my husband and son on the other side of the home in case help is needed while I attend to myself at a medical appointment.
Anyway, I noticed that when the helper is non-family he does not go over the top and most times is as quiet as a mouse. Let me give you the silly example; I serve a bowl of soup, it is where are my crackers or bread (some sort of side order lol). The aid served the same thing later in the week and it was like do you want water or bread. It was no thanks I’m good. Or I told you I wanted a biscuit, not cornbread.
He also wants me to wait on him when he wants something. The aid ask, and he will say I don't want anything like his reading material but he wants me to go and get it and bring it to him. Sometimes I will and other times, he has to roll and get himself.
What are your wishes? Mom seems to be calling all the shots. I believe as others have said the death of your brother has clouded your emotions. It’s like you could not save your brother so you plan to save your mother.
I don’t see how you will be able to pull off travel with your mother. Stop making promises. I’m so sorry! Please keep posting so that you can get the support you need as well.
Not trying to hijack your post speaking of the challenges of my dad. Just trying to let you know that your theory on the dynamics may be spot on or at least partially
Have a chat with her doctor and/or ask for a psych evaluation for mom. Medication should be on hand to calm her when necessary. You've taken on a task here that a team of people should be in charge of. One person cannot manage dementia behaviors of this magnitude! Please don't allow guilt to drive your decisions moving forward. Safety should prevail, nothing else.
You can speak to your neighbors, but don't be surprised if they call the police one of these days, especially if mom is crying out in response to you restraining her. Then you'll have a bigger problem on your hands than you already have. Please reconsider this entire situation and allow your mom to be placed so both of you can lead a more relaxed lifestyle in general.
Wishing you the best of luck.
If she is ever in the hospital, this is where you get her evaluated. Ask for a neurological consult. If they find her care is 24/7, this is when you make the decision to place her. If she can afford it MC, if not Longterm care with Medicaid paying.
You need to step back and try to not let these incidents escalate.
You will never "win" an argument with a person that has dementia.
(by the way wrap a rubber band around the pump part of the soap dispenser so it can not be depressed all the way this limits the amount of soap that can be pumped out)
Go with her to the bathroom and monitor her. That way you can make sure she is cleaning her self properly and make sure she is not putting things down the toilet that should not go there. figurines would not have flushed but socks, hand towels, excess amounts of toilet paper, wipes (flushable or not) can be flushed and clog toilets.
If she starts getting upset when you try getting her into pj's let her sleep in her clothes if that will prevent an outburst.
Pick your battles.
If you are with mom all day it might be time to get a caregiver in to help you out and give you a break. And if it is going to be a continuous battle you might want to consider placing mom in Memory Care. Placing someone in MC is NOT a failure on your part but an understanding that she needs more care than 1 person can manage.
She shoukd no longer be the one "driving the bus", metaphorically speaking. Especially with regards to psychiatric care, especially since it sounds like there was untreated/unacknowleged mental illness in the picture prior to her dementia.
Make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist, take her to lunch and take her to the appointment.
Time to start looking for placement before you burn out.
It seems to me that your mom needs to be in a dementia proof environment. No nick-knacks, no access to things she can fling, spill or ruin. Locked cabinets, cupboards and closets. 24/7 supervision.
It sounds to me as though she would have a better experience if she was in a memory care unit. If you plan to try to keep her at home I would get some aides in and get mom to a geriatric psychiatrist for meds to address her agitation and delusions.
sounds just awful.
personally, i would speak to the neighbours. explain a bit.
as for your mother—
it all sounds very hard, and psychologically damaging towards you. maybe make a big change, go away/low contact? hire help?
as you said, some of this is intentional (not dementia), against you.
i think it’s extremely kind of you to be helping her.
Regarding explaining her behaviors to neighbors, yes I'd do that and also maybe inform the police (depending on what country and town you are in). Some people with dementia will call 911 on their caretakers when their delusions of being in danger get the better of them. If your mom is alcoholic, maybe speak to a therapist about how to better deal with it all. May you gain much clarity, wisdom and receive help so you don't burn out.