Do you get offended by hurtful scenarios?
Mom has dementia, likely LBD. She is very high functioning. She lives in AL and is unhappy. While I have learned so much and can have good visits with her despite the verbal attacks, one thing is hard, and another intolerable. Mom comes up with scenarios about harm that will or should come to me in order to make me understand her unhappiness. I can deal with this. But when she names my grandchildren, or husband by name and suggests what could happen to them, horrible things, in order for me to understand her losses, or to give me what I deserve, I cannot deal with this. She says she shares this information with her siblings and they agree. I'm not sure if that's true, but her sibling keeps posting things on social media about karma, punishment, not caring for your old folks etc. I try not to let all this eat me up. How do I answer to these morbid attacks? So far I just listen, but I'd like to stop this type of conversation.
I cannot add to all the helpful advice that you have been given except to say that your feelings are valid about the verbal assaults to which you have been subjected. I am glad to see that the other posters called it for what it is: abuse. And this goes for the FB bullying and abuse too. If those relatives were in school they would be hauled up before the principal!
Without going into my story, my parents have both, within the past year, become residents in a Nursing Home. Even though my siblings and I kept them in their home for many years past the time they hecame eligible for a nursing home, we still feel guilty at times that they are there, but this is only when we allow our heart to take over the realities. Though they both have adjusted very well, my mother every once in a while will ask when she is going home. At no time have either of them created a payback scenario that you describe. If they were to do so, I imagine it would be doubly hurtful because of the guilt that almost every caregiver carries with them when they get to the point that their Loved Ones need another level of care.
You used the word “intolerable”, and I agree - you shouldn’t tolerate it. Yes, we should try to understand where the abuse comes from and that they are not well, but we are still human. My mother has dementia and is Bipolar and when her medication is off and she is acting out verbally, I have experienced that there is still a part of her that can be reached. We do not hestitate to call her on her inappropriate comments, or if that doesn’t work, to get up and leave. She seems to understand that even in the midst of a psychotic episode.
As a Christian, I don’t believe in Karma. If we all got what was coming to us, we would all be in trouble, because none of us is good. Jesus took care of that. What is painful, is that your dear mother is wishing you and your family ill. This is not only hard for you to hear but harmful to your mother also, both mentally and physically. I would talk to her doctor about it. If she has been that unhappy for the last three or four years, her medication isn’t working.
Meanwhile, in addition to all the excellent advice given previously, one other thing to try. The next time she starts with all the Karmic stuff, get up and hug her and say, “Mom, my future and my family’s future are in God’s hands. You don’t have to worry about them, but thank you for your concern.” I would then pray aloud for her before you leave. Ask her to pray for you and your family. Prayers for your health and safety will not be able to coexist with harmful desires for your comeuppance!
Just a couple of thoughts on your subject of hurtful comments made by your mom with dementia.
If we who know the dementia patient, that they are sick and can’t manage their own intellect and we can’t accept the diagnosis and all it’s implications, then how do we expect casual or infrequent family and friends to understand that they are listening to the ramblings of a demented mind??
If they “fool” us enough that we can be mad or hurt or offended, How can we blame others who don’t know the intimate details for being fooled?!
Don’t get me wrong. I know it takes a very secure person to not be offended by the hurtful speech we are discussing.
And it’s damaging to our own mental health.
But yes, when you are dealing with a sick person you do need to be mindful that they are ill. That’s why you and brother put her in ALF right?
What did you expect? Did you think she will be “well” just because she now is in different housing? I know it’s especially hurtful because you probably struggled with the decision.
I agree with not listening to this hurtful and damaging abuse. I also think it reinforces it to argue or try to reason with the demented mind or to give it your emotional energy other than perhaps regret or sadness. Even that is best dealt with after you leave.
That’s just my theory but my Aunt (91-dementia) knows there are subjects I don’t wish to discuss and she will avoid them with me although she will talk about them with others.
So she may be at a different level than your mom in that she can still “self” redirect. She will start to say something and then stop herself and change the subject when she considers her audience. I won’t go there with her and so she stops.
I realize that dementia progresses and she may not always be able to do that. It will be something new as time marches on. If the gossips are still calling your mom, they will observe the changes in her as well.
Teepa Snow is a way shower who I am grateful for. She exaggerates her message which is useful to get the point across. To decide that her teachings are not for you is to discount techniques that have been helpful for others in similar situations. But your choice of course. I find it effective myself as it avoids conflict.
If I were you I would walk in and take in the situation. Give her a hug, a couple of compliments. Maybe a treat. If she starts in and you don’t want to redirect, then give her a goodbye hug and leave. As long as she’s pleasant stay and visit. You don’t have to be angry to deal with her. Just girded.
I received this text from a friend. It might be useful for your consideration considering how very old this “poem” is and how long the problem of care taking elders has been with us.
From my book - SAVED BY A POEM
“Very truly, I tell you, when you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go.” John 21:18
I haven't watched any Teepa Snow videos, but I'm never going to get to the point of watching them to help in caregiving my mother. I will not be that involved.
Another criticism of the Teepa Snow videos is that only someone fully rested and on an 8-hour shift could really be expected to follow her advice. And that is NOT usually the 24/7 caregivers on this site, is it?
YES, to what Countrymouse said.
Have you ever talked to any of your Aunts and uncle's? I had to put my dad in an AL and I told his sister why my home was not an option. She understood and also had both sides of the situation.
Not every person was created to be a hands on, boots on the ground caregiver, with me it would have been like having a 300# toddler that you can't put in a corner or paddle their behind. Not to mention the meds and meals and the anger and hate, acting out by peeing all over the bathroom to name a few of the things I am not wired to deal with.
I do the best I can in a very hard situation and I feel like if anyone that thinks I'm wrong is more than welcome to step in and take care of the things that I screw up, according to them. It is easy to be a Monday morning quarterback, which I have found that there are many.
When people wish harm on others, especially children, something is far wrong with them. I understand that you can handle it from your mom but her siblings posting wishes of harm to your family is crossing many lines. Are they mentally ill? If not I would have a talk with all of them in the same room and call them out on what they are saying, do they really want their great-great niece or nephew to come to harm because your mom got old and sick and you had to do the very best you could for her, which was a facility with trained professionals to take care of her? Maybe hearing their written comments in words will open their eyes to how destructive this behavior is. If not, don't argue, tell them you are sorry they wish you and your family harm and you wish them all the best and walk away.
Keep an eye open for anything little eyes should not see that they are posting, that kind of hate can hurt a child's heart and create confusion they do not deserve, if you see anything like that ask someone that isn't filled with ugliness to have it removed so the young ones are not injured. I hate social media for this very reason, I think I already said that but oh my I hate social media.
I pray that your Aunts and uncles will hear you and stop the hateful behavior. God give you peace, either way.
HUGS 2 U!
Throughout my caregiving days and even now, I periodically share a short, interesting article about dementia. Not the 8 page medical journal articles but maybe a half page explaining that persons with dementia often make things up they believe to be real. Or a short one on sleep disturbances in dementia -- that kind of thing. I'm not doing this defensively (no one is attacking me, subtly or otherwise) but just to be informative. You might want to take up the practice. Not specifically aimed at your relatives, but just putting it out there in case they are interested.
I'm so sorry to hear how your mom's words have hurt you and your family. It is only natural to feel as you do given how much you have tried to make sure your mom gets the best care.
I wonder if they can review her meds and see if they could be causing her to act out. Or something in her diet. I know its not easy. I would probably get so hurt and resentful that I would just pull away completely.
Sorry to hear how the family is on social media. I would want to defend myself too but I think it is better to block or remove yourself from these types of conversations. You know the truth.
Thinking of you.
The few months my husband was paranoid and accused me of stealing from him were the worst in his ten-year journey, in my mind. And his accusations were mild compared to what you describe. My heart goes out to you. I hope your mom goes through this phase quickly! (His diagnosis was confirmed by autopsy.)
Tough love simply does not work with dementia. You staying away or leaving will not teach Mom to change her behavior. The learning mechanism is broken. But, as JoAnn points out, reducing the amount of time you spend with her can protect your own mental health. I would opt for leaving, rather than not coming. "Mother, we need to talk about something else. This topic gives me a headache. How was that singer they had for entertainment last night?" If Mom can't change the topic, then you feel the headache coming on and you have to get home. Or, interrupt the talk. "Mom, I'm going to the kitchen for some coffee. When I come back I'd like to look at your old wedding album with you."
To me, your mom's behavior sounds like she has dementia. Exactly the diagnosis she has. She doesn't need to have a mental illness to account for it. And as a dementia behavior, it may fade away (or not).
With LBD, she may never reach a point when the disease progresses and she just rambles when she talks. She may never be in her own little world. My husband never got that way, even in hospice. Other than the paranoia period he was never abusive, either. Each case is different. I hope your mother's moves away from this abuse.
If you can find a local caregivers support group for those whose loved ones have LBD, I think it will help your sanity and stress level a lot! The LBDA.org website has a list of support groups by state.
You write that it's "likely LBD". Has she been tested? Is she on any meds? I wouldn't normally look to meds as a first course of action, but these kinds of comments and behavior to me reflect really deviant thought processes.
How long has this been going on? Have you discussed it with the staff at AL? I assume you're the one who managed the transition to AL, and that's why you're the target? Does she create these scenarios about anyone else, family or otherwise?
I'm certainly not capable of inferring any diagnosis, but this sounds like some weird, sick form of mental disorder.
Possible LBD
Probable LBD
Confirmed LBD
So far, the third level is only pronounced upon autopsy.
Let staff know that you’re available for REAL emergencies and that’s it.
You ask if I get offended. I go beyond offended. My mom’s a pussycat and she always had an even temper. My dad and extended relatives who lie about me get this. Oh! Block these liars numbers on your phone.