I’m a sixty year-old daughter of a narcissistic mother who believes it is her children’s job to take care of her in the manner to which she was accustomed. She is still angry with us for selling her house because she thought we should be caring for her there. She has been led to think she is more important than anyone else in the family and my father buckled under her every whim.
She complains constantly despite living in a lovely $5,000/month ASL. Nothing has ever been enough for her; she is attention-seeking and will go to any length to get it.
I was just diagnosed with my second cancer and will start chemo next week. I also have an adult son with severe mental health problems and wonderful grandchildren who I choose to help with. My mother’s complaints include earaches and a sore knee.
I can guarantee that I will not be a burden to my children when/if (god willing) I reach my mother’s age of 86. I will not assume that my children will be responsible for my happiness or that they should be managing my life while I sit and complain about not being able to get my hair colored.
Is this a generational thing? Or is it simply that my mother has never been a very nice person and I resent giving her any amount of energy that I don’t even have for myself?
Most people can get through something if it is only temporary. When it is ongoing therein lies a huge problem!
It is extremely controversial for many and will not grow in popularity quickly. At least it is available in some states.
Properly managed, I feel that assisted suicide could be blessing for so many.
If I get dementia, and/or can no longer care for myself then I am going to put my final affairs in order, take a bunch of pills sure to do the job and go to sleep, forever.
It seems that with a shorter life expectancy people really didn’t take care of themselves the way we do now at the same age. My parents never exercised while I swim daily and walk daily.
Also, 50 years ago senior housing was often the dire "old folks home" of my parents nightmare. The last refuge of the impoverished. I have spent a lot of time recently researching AL for Mom and there are some very nice places out there!
The Boomer generation is definitely changing the face of retirement communities. Yes, it can be expensive but why not spend your hard earned savings on yourself? I have never understood people wanting to "leave something to the kids." I have worked and saved since I was 15 and figure to spend it on my own care rather than expect my family or the state to pay.
Mom told me years ago that she did not want her kids to have to take care of her the way her sister did their mom who was widowed early and received a $63 a month railway pension. Mom saw what a toll it took on my aunt and didn’t want us to go thru that.
I am 66, no spouse or kids. After 5 years of dealing with my parents health and financial issues I have started the process of eliminating my own "stuff" with the anticipation of moving into senior living at some point. I don’t want, or expect, anyone to have to clear out 50+ years of accumulated clutter. I have also started to look for my next home, low maintenance and accessible when needed.
I also hope that in 30 or 40 years society will allow me to choose to end my life as and when I want to, no one should be forced to endure the indignity of a miserable old age.
I just wanted to make the point that though my father lived almost an entire century, he deliberately departed from the expected elder-care pattern of his day. He cared for his own elderly parents and in-laws, but willingly gave up his own comfort in old age for a daughter that he loved. He was not a perfect father, but I wanted to somehow give tribute to his unselfishness.
The other grandparents remained for years in their own nearby home with combo of family and caregiver help. Eventually, they had short-term need of what would today be considered "hospice"care. I was never aware of any family hardship or resentment over of this.
It may have had more effect than I was aware of, however, because my parents were determined never to be dependent on their children. They made foresighted financial decisions. I offered to let my widowed father live with me when he needed care (I am a nurse and was unmarried). Both my brothers pressured him to agree. It was an easy solution for them. They were too busy to offer anything but advice during my mothers final days.
It might have kept my father out of a nursing home and he knew it, but he adamantly, and repeatedly, refused my offer. God love him! He said he did not want to interfere with any plans I might have for my future and my career. I will always love and admire him for this.
So yes, family expectations may be somewhat generational, but not always. Not entirely. Sometimes it is more a matter of individual character.
86 is nothing. I have a 99 year old lady (who I would quite like to adopt as my own granny because she is a complete sweetie-pie) on tonight's round who is still managing in her own home. We visit three times a day to help with her medication and check she's okay, because her eyesight is not so good now and her hands aren't as strong as they were. Her bed call is at twenty to eight but most days you'll find she's already undressed, cleaned her teeth, and got into bed by herself; although one evening she'd curled up on her sofa and fallen asleep like a little dormouse. She was worn out because she'd been taken into town for lunch that day, and told me proudly that she'd put on a facemask for the first time in her life!
Generational thing... As it happens, this lady lives in an almshouse, a comparatively modern one with "1808" carved on the keystone over the gate. There are a few of them in our city: communities of little houses built 200, 300 or in one case nearly 500 years ago for pensioned-off servants, old clergymen, the aged and infirm who had no families able to look after them. They were founded and paid for by the church, other charitable foundations or local philanthropists. They still function beautifully as retirement properties.
In Anthony Trollope's book 'The Warden' there is a character who lives in such an almshouse, impoverished after a prosperous life's work because his children conned him out of his money and left him neglected and helpless. 1855, that book was published.
So no, I don't think the issues of aging ever really change.
I am in the middle of reading "Final Gifts: Understanding and Helping the Dying," written by two hospice nurses, a very intriguing book. Someone in this forum suggested it. Thank you. The common theme so far in the book is that many dying people see dead loved ones or angels before they die. That includes people of faiths and atheists. They saw what lay ahead for them when they leave the physical world.
It is a confirmation for me as I do believe that our bodies die, and our souls transition to another dimension.
My ideal death would be to have my loved ones from both sides next to me, one side waiting and welcoming, one side saying good byes for now, as my doctor assists me to transition from one plane to the next. Why can't the law accommodate people to have a peaceful exit? That would be so humane.
I'm not sure I could make such a plan but I suppose I could take up surfing in my 80's & let fate take over.
I have found that the most effective response I can give to her complaints and demands (after months of not handling things too well, is "I am sorry you feel that way and I wish there was something that could be done about it. Unfortunately, right now, there is nothing that can be done." And, then, because she has dementia, I ask a question that totally changes the subject.
I used to own a senior residential care home so I have spent a lot more time than most people thinking about my "old age". I agree with you that I won't be a burden to my children if I can help it. I have had a long term care policy for years. In my experience some older people are very sweet and considerate and easy to care for while others are just miserable and demanding. We just have to be careful not to think that we are going to fix their personality by trying to fix their problems. I have considered this year as an opportunity to learn how to set boundaries with my mother and to focus on balancing caring for her with self care so I don't become too resentful. It is just hard to get old. There is no getting around it and having seen what I have seen I hope to plan ahead and not be surprised when I wake up one day and realize I am old. Although I did wake up one day shocked that I am now considered a senior citizen. I sure don't feel like one yet. LOL
My mom has every 'right' to 'complain' about not getting her hair colored, given the context of her life. It's not that she's a selfish, icky person. As a 66 y/o caregiver, I have the gift of understanding of her life experiences and expectations. It's a bitch, I don't like it one bit, but I will survive and learn. I'm reminded of 'the Greatest Generation'. I respect and thank my ancestors, but well, we're actively doing that same degree and challenge of 'work', (working through fear and struggle) without historic precedent. We are the Sandwich Generation. We are strong and brave. I thank this forum for allowing me to write and post here, and in so doing, share, process and affirm my lived experience. I send love and support to us all.
But now, almost every adult that I speak with in my caregiver groups all say that they would NOT expect their children to take care of them, and that they would not want to be a burden to their children.
Some are even planning measures to end their life, if it comes to that.
I just wanted to wish you well for your upcoming treatment. I hope you can surround yourself with supportive people, enjoy better times with your son & enjoy those grandchildren too! Also that you are cocooned from those that cannot offer support.
Regarding your Mother, when I meet older folk sad about leaving their houses, I truly empathize. But if I get a whiff of that entitlement you spoke of, I change tack to 'well, if you wished to keep your house & employ servants round the clock, you should have'.
I vowed long ago to never do this to my daughter. Prayers sent to you.
Of course, my opinion is influenced by the fact that I'm acquainted with fewer assisted-living residents than independent-living residents. It may be that certain individuals, revert more willingly to dependence than others. Some, as described here, may have a life-long habit of manipulating others. This is not likely to change. But I tend to think that self-sufficiency is one of the most valued personal traits in American society regardless of generation.
"You obviously haven’t read my entire post."
Unfortunately this happens all too often. You can see it when the author clearly states the LO is living in their home, and the comment will refer to how sad it is living in a facility! Sometimes they may post quickly, without digesting everything and perhaps other posts haven't been made yet. Other times there may be numerous posts and they just don't feel like wading through them all. At the very least, everyone should skim through, because often there are revelations from the OP in response to questions or comments made by others. Sadly some don't bother. If their answer is at odds with the information you've given, just ignore them.
"Please understand that when you choose to respond to someone’s query, it’s important to read their words first, and not merely respond in a way that makes you “fluff your own feathers.”"
Yup, couldn't agree more. Sometimes the original question is brief, maybe lacking in details, which one may or may not get more information for it from checking OP's profile, but it would be better to ASK questions before blindly spewing something. I do my best to try to read what has been posted, both comments and responses, check other's suggestions and tailor my response as best I can after digesting it all (exceptions are knee-jerk reactions to some of the responses that are uncalled for, such as those who tell us we should take care of our LO ourselves and feel blessed that we can do so. THEY don't know anything about us, what our capabilities are and other factors, and it isn't their place to TELL us what to do. We are here to offer USEFUL suggestions, USEFUL advice and often just good old commiseration. That last one CAN be a bit helpful, just in knowing that we are not alone!)
"If you were blessed with a healthy childhood, be grateful, but don’t tell others what they “should do” or how they “should feel.”
It’s self-serving and arrogant."
Touched on this in the () in the last paragraph. I've "coined" a new term for some of these people - Nagative Nancy! It was originally a typo that I caught very quickly, but decided it was more appropriate and left it as is (with disclaimer that it was a typo, but now it is a new term!)
Anyway, it is unfortunate that we have some of these people on the forum. Some do learn. In the past there were a few doozies, but I haven't seen them around much lately - moved on to more appreciative sites? You might even get used to the screen name and/or MO used in the comments. There is one in particular that I can peg just from the comment itself! That one REALLY annoys me and wish we could get that one booted from the forum. 1-2 "okay" posts from the person, but the rest of the comments, eeesh. Most of the time, we all just move on past these comments and focus on the helpful comments.
Don't let them chase you away or get you down! DO take care of yourself and focus on getting healthy.
Clearly you mother is who she is and nothing you do will change that. Let her think what she wants, complain all she wants, be angry all she wants and just ignore it. It's hard to ignore, but do your best. Continue to provide for her basic needs, a few gifts/treats, and let her complaints and demands fall on deaf ears.
"I make sure to take care of all her medical needs, pay her
bills, bring her homemade meals and treats, visit when allowed, etc. I do everything I should to be sure she is safe and cared for."
This is basically what I do too. There are those who will criticize this, saying you should do more, take them in, etc. Ignore them. You are doing what you can and then some, so if she doesn't appreciate it, so be it. Given your own health and concerns, more focus needs to be on YOU. If you don't care for yourself, who will see to her needs then? Try not to let her demands stress you - that's all they are and they won't/shouldn't be catered to. If she acts up, spend less time with her - just drop the food/gifts at the front desk and let them bring it to her.
My anger/stress was more because of my brothers and their lack of help and concern, but I eventually realized that it was only affecting me, not them, and have been able to get past all that! My focus is on ensuring mom has her needs met, but without compromising my needs as much. Those two can go pound sand, and once mom passes on, I won't be dealing with them, at all.
Is it generational? Not really. Some people are grateful for whatever family can do for them. Some, like your mother, are never satisfied. My former MIL wouldn't have been happy if my kids spent every day with her - it was NEVER enough. She was "entitled", felt she was owed something for being a grandmother, lived for the day she would be one. Her own daughter never had kids, so my kids were it and she complained all the time if she wasn't getting what she thought was enough time with them. Not one thought about me. I was the vessel to bring forth the grandchildren, nothing more.
When our generation gets to this point, it won't be any different. Some have planned, others haven't. Some have unreasonable expectations, some don't. Dementia throws a monkey wrench into everyone's plans, both those who are afflicted and those who have to deal with it. I have been trying to ensure there will be funds to provide for my care, should I need it, and have told my kids to find a nice place for me, visit if you CHOOSE to, manage for me as I have for my mother and live your life, plan for your own future needs!
Do take care of yourself. Take a few breaks from all you do for her. Maybe if you skip a meal or two, or some treats, she might be a bit more appreciative when you bring the next one. Maybe. Don't hold your breath! But, seriously, you do need to focus more on you. Get healthy and don't fret over anything she says or does. As NYCdaughter says "Your mother is responsible for her own happiness."
Narcissistic personalities are nightmares for those involved. Perhaps her generation is dominantly narcissistic, as George Carlin would say.
As for me, I'll leave my care in the hands of professionals.
All the best to you and the rest of your family!
Both of my adult children will have nothing to do with me. One has told me I was a terrible mother - that it's always been about me & my wants & that I'm evil & bad but he won't tell me why he feels this way that I must figure it out for myself. My younger sister can only come up with one example with my elder son. Be that as it may, I am at a loss & as things stand now there is no way I can rely upon either of them & if given the way they feel about me, do I really want them to? No, I wouldn't trust them.
In case you're wondering, I made mistakes - lots of them - but I also did many good things with their future & intellectual development in mind. As a single mother whose ex-husband never paid more than $5.00 at a time in child support & only when he was in prison, I never had much money. My mother & younger sister helped out as did a paternal aunt & her husband.
I am told I only took care of them out of guilt & I never wanted to be a mother, I suppose that's why I paid for Aikido lessons, taught them how to eat with chopsticks, made the extra effort to take them to a school where they would be in classes with the children of foreign students attending university, introduced them to a wide variety of different foods so they would not be afraid to try things, & more.
Sorry, this is an extremely difficult position to find myself in. However, this is why I feel I must take care of things myself. Furthermore we don't have any assurance our children will outlive us or be geographically close enough to do so even if they could.
Therefore, if we don't make plans for ourselves . . . it may be the government that does & we may very well hate the results.
One thing that resonated with me was when you said:
"I am told I only took care of them out of guilt & I never wanted to be a mother..."
Someone was feeding my kids similar garbage. It isn't fully clear whether it was wife #2 or the ex or both. SHE really was a piece of work. Before they were even married, she would be "watching" MY kids on weekends they were to be visiting with their dad - not so bad, however this woman was introducing MY kids as HER kids!!! Anyway, after one weekend visit one would tell me "they" said I didn't feed them enough. My reply was to ask is there food on the shelves and in the refrigerator? Yes? Are you hungry? No. Do you need something? No. Okay, well, if you think you're hungry and there's no food, let me know. Shortly after another weekend visit I was told "they" said I didn't take care of them. Really? You have food, clean clothes, shoes, can bathe, have a room to yourself, good meals, go to school, get help with homework, go to play sports and visit with friends, get regular checkups? Do you feel neglected? No? Then don't worry about it. Tell me if you do.
The last straw was after yet another weekend visit when I was told "they said you don't even like us." OMG! So I just said that's not true and if ANY of what they are telling you was true you would be living with "them" not me. I rarely said anything negative about that a** and his dip wife (BTW, they divorced too and was SHE ever nasty to him!)
So, someone else could have brainwashed your kids at some point, without your knowledge. I am thankful my kids were able to talk to me about their concerns, after being fed this garbage! I am also thankful that they were smart enough to see through a lot of this, as they got older. He even went so far as to encourage them to hide information from me or to lie (I never grilled them about what they did when with him - just asked if they had a good time.) So, one day while the two were talking with each other, one lets slip a comment about shooting guns at a sand pit. Um, WHAT? THIS needed discussion, both with them and him. I had specifically asked him not to do guns with them until they were older. NO 5yo needs to be handling guns. I made sure my son (the 5yo who was clearly enamored by guns from a very young age) was with him during the discussion, so neither could legitimately say they didn't hear or understand me.
Anyway, my sympathies. Unless or until they have some breakthrough or decide to try making amends, you are wise to see to your own future. Really all of us should, because we don't know what the future will bring. Sadly children can pass before their parents. Some people never had children to count on (not that we should "count on" them.) I don't want either of my kids to feel that they must take care of me - I've told them to find a nice place and provide oversight for my care, visit if you want to, but no obligations to care for me or see me. Live your life!
So, we (I) made plans to move her, but she was refusing to consider any move. EC atty told us we couldn't force her to move (dementia residents have rights, doncha know!) and suggested guardianship. The place we chose wouldn't accept a committal, so we had to wing it and come up with a plausible fib to make her agree to go - grumbling the whole time, but she went. Staff said just get her there, they would take it from there.
So, in your case, even if you don't have POA, how far along is her dementia? I would suggest at the least a consult with EC atty. S/he might be able to assist - if not now, at least to be prepared for later as the dementia progresses. She won't be able to stay in her own place forever, even if you and siblings help out but don't live with her.
Guardianship generally gives you the authority to make a move happen. It also overrides any existing POAs and allows you to take charge of her finances. The court would likely order a medical and cognitive assessment and make decisions about what you can or can't do as guardian. The other option is to let the state become the guardian, but in that case, all assets and income are taken and you have no say in where she lives or what medical treatment she gets.
You have enough on your plate - do find some EC attys that offer a free first consult and perhaps you can find a way out of this predicament!