my elderly parents still live at home. My Mum (87) has advanced Alzheimers and my Dad (89) has frontal lobe dementia. They have carers going in but I still am heavily relied upon in between to take them to appointments, do their shopping etc. I also pop round 3 times a week.
My agony is that I am so resentful towards them for destroying my life and causing me so much pain. I was sexually abused by my elder brother and grandfather as a very young child. The way that it was handled by my parents was horrific. I wasn’t protected, made safe or heard. In fact I wasn’t even believed at first. Both of my abusers were shown love and respect. I have Bipolar caused by this and have been in and out of psych wards for treatment. They continue to show love to my brother even though he does zero to help. My Dad (only recently has memory issues) is furious with me for refusing to see my brother.
Yet despite this I feel the need to care. I guess I’m figuring that I’ve come this far and the clock is ticking. To cut them out this late in the day May cause huge amounts of guilt after they have passed. Can anyone relate?
You haven't caused their problems.
You can't fix their problems.
Without causation there cannot be guilt.
Get on with your life and leave these folks in the dust. There is no duty of care to those who are abusive.
Secondly, you must take care of your own needs. Your mental and physical health is equally important to your mom and dad’s needs.
I realize that you have a need to help because they are your parents. That’s understandable, if you feel as if you must. You do not have to be their hands on provider. Find others who will assist them with their needs.
You don’t owe them anything. You haven’t failed them in any way. There isn’t a valid reason for you to have guilt.
I am curious if they have shown any remorse for not believing you or hurting you?
Best wishes to you.
Meanwhile, I was in hospital on an Acute Psychiatric unit having another breakdown. My parents didn’t visit me once.
it’s taken me years to realise that I am seen as the perpetrator and my brother the victim because I wouldn’t let it drop.
It all seems clear cut to people reading this. They hurt me, so I should cut them out. It really isn’t so easy. The trauma has many layers. And while they are so needy and dependent it makes it even harder
Leave and don't look back. Your brother the golden child will need to step up, I guess. Or the state can take guardianship. Either way, they will be cared for.
Move on.
We have no obligation to make life better for those who abused us. We might feel a need to stick around because an inheritance would feel like at least we got something out of a lifetime of suffering. Or as you say, maybe it’s better to avoid feeling guilty in the future.
I don’t know you or why you think as you do, but it’s always possible to change one’s mind and stop doing what we no longer want to do. Only you can decide that, and I wish you luck in whatever you do. I’m so sorry that your family put you through such pain.
Seek therapy to find out why.
Taking care of these same two people is less important than your finding healing for yourself. Soon they will pass but hopefully U have many years left. Plus it sounds very much like U have to care for them to not suffer shame, guilt nor regret after they pass. Everyone has to do what they have to do to be true to who they are, has zip to do w/the past or people being deserving. Try to use the time with them to find a path to healing for yourself. Forgiveness, mercy, for both brother and grandfather as well as yourself. Feeling less than loving feelings toward these two, even mom & dad after such betrayal is simply human. Who would not feel negative toward family after that. But as an adult, U can understand what the lil girl attacked and used could not.
Give them a break, give yourself a break! Doesn't mean you have to be around your brother, just means you 4give him so your free to move fwd without that anchor to the past constantly pulling U back!
Bipolar: feelings manipulate our brain, use up chemicals and leave us sucked dry. That lends to chemically altered brain state fr a healthy mind chemically balanced. As U know this causes wild swings fr high to low. Try to use your mind ie reasoning to search out your feelings vrs allowing your feelings to tell your brain what is real. Feelings when abused are never sober, never even keel, never good indicators of reality. The brain works out more black & white, more mathematically to sift our emotions/feelings without them directly leading us. Feelings are indicators, a thermostat in your feelings telling U the temperature. But they cannot be allowed to regulate the mind, our perspectives, our reality without the mind to being subject to a lack of sobriety. Look up "intoxication" in a good dictionary. It will have a def that tells U emotions cause intoxication.
Hope this helps. Know it wasn't exactly what U were looking for but....
However, some of the suggestions you make are so unrealistic to me. Forgiveness and mercy is something I will never achieve. To simply tell myself to not be pulled back is actually impossible too. You see, when a young child suffers prolonged trauma, those emotions and trauma responses get ingrained on the brain. It is possible to retrain the patterns but it takes time, practice and patience. Acceptance is more what I am working on. Sort of like watching a black cloud floating in front of you. You don’t like it, you don’t want it but you watch it and accept that it’s there.
I will continue to care for my parents because the human in me cannot abandon them in their hour of need. I just need to acknowledge that it’s flippin hard and emotionally draining. I may even bring stuff up and tell them how they’ve destroyed my life. It will be very therapeutic and they’ll forget the conversation 5 minutes later anyway. I suppose that’s where their disease could be seen as an advantage.
Lastly, your insights on Bipolar (This is just one of my diagnoses). I’d love to know how I can stop feelings and emotions regulating my mind! Gosh if I can get that sussed my problems will be over.
Again thanks for your perspective on things but I have to disagree with chunks of it
Ugh my heart goes out to you.
I have cared for my emotional/mental abuser (until I went no contact, best decision of my life and 0 guilt associated to that decision) and my biggest regret wasn’t cutting them off sooner.
Did you read her response to my post? It’s so very sad. She absolutely needs therapy.
I wasn’t raped but my mother put me in an unsafe situation where I was held against my will and groped by a drunk uncle when I was 15. When I told her, her reply was “oh, yeah he does that to everyone.” That is all I can say because I am livid to this day about this.
You are perhaps in your 50-60s, if so you have suffered for decades. Enough already!
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Saying "reluctantly care" & "I will continue.."
I am certainly not a trained trauma councellor & I would strong suggest you seek professional advice & support. You have mentioned many serious issues.
To me it reads you have decided that Care = enable them to stay at home.
Propping up two elderly people with dementia, to stay home, who are unable to look after themselves or arrange their own care.
Why? Is this the only way?
You have become needed & essential to their lives. You now hold a position of power.
Yet you feel under their control?
Remember Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz? She had those ruby slippers & just needed to tap them.. had the power all along but didn't know it.
You too have the power to change things but may need a 'Wizard' to highlight it.
You SHOULD NOT take care of your parents . I’m sure a therapist would tell you it’s not healthy for you to be their caregiver . Seek the help of a therapist to gain your life back .
I hope you do not have POA. Seek advice of an eldercare attorney to stop being their caregiver. Tell the lawyer you can not have contact with your parents .
Honestly, you should not have contact with your parents and you should go to therapy to free yourself of guilt that you should not have .
You are grieving for the normal parents that you NEVER had.
Having a relationship with the parents you DO have WILL NOT help you .
There are professionals that can take care of your parents , or your sick brother can do it. Have the elder care lawyer help your parents get care . You can also contact your local Dept of Aging and have a social worker find the care your parents need , that does not include you as caregiver at all .
You walk away , no contact and get help for yourself . It’s not too late to cut them out of your life . It’s always appropriate to take care of yourself and walk away from abusers . In fact it’s long overdue.
Are you in therapy now? How is your bipolar being managed?
Your parents are actually beyond receiving help at this point. They have dementia and aren’t capable of being rational.
As far as your brother goes, I wouldn’t give him the time of day. You don’t owe your parents anything.
They were parents in name only. You deserved so much better. Your parents and brother failed you in the worst possible way.
What do you possibly hope to gain by continuing to care for them? You have nothing to gain and everything to lose.
Your only goal should be focusing on getting help for yourself. You are experiencing mental anguish from being in this situation. You deserve to live in peace. You will never have peace as long as you remain in this situation.
Please allow others to care for your parents. They need more care than you can provide for them. Walk away and don’t look back.
They will only get what they need if you "abandon" them.
Right now, you are standing in the way of them getting the care they need.