I don't see this ask on the forum but my 98 year old Mother although she has dementia, horrible short term memory recall but ------------
She knows what is happening to her. She knows she has a brain blood flow problem. She knows there isn't anything that can be done about it. Knows it's going to get worse and we talk about it.
At first she didn't want to believe anything was happening to her. Frustrated her not being able to finish task. Forgetting how to answer the phone or turn on the TV. But as I learned about Dementia I emailed everything I saw that related to what I believed she was going through. I can see the signs, the things to look for to reassure she indeed has Dementia. We got a brain scan. She didn't want to believe that report for it said something is wrong. Got upset that I believed it. Still I kept digging for information to assist me. Each time I found something interesting I forwarded it to her. Her short term memory alone with the frustration of getting confused stops her from finishing a lot of things but as time has rolled on it's come to the forefront that Yea, she can't deny there is something wrong. She wants to know when it started. What was 'that something' that triggered this decline. You can't pin point it for it probably started 20 years before it surfaced so others noticed it. We've tried to play Gin, Domino's, she can't keep her thoughts straight. Multi-tasking or figuring out a problem what that happens the brain needs more plasma/blood to accomplish the task. Mother's brain does not produce that extra blood/plasma. So she gets confused, frustrated but she realizes -- I got a problem.
I can't tell you how much that helps every area of what I'm dealing with. For without it, it would be worse, like it was when she was in total denial. Most people dealing with a parent with dementia, their parents don't have a clue what the kids are going through dealing with it. They think they are normal and you have the problem. Mom still thinks there's a 3rd presence in the house. That's because she puts things up, can't remember where so when we find it there has to be a presence putting this stuff up cause I DID NOT DO IT she says.
Still there are good days, better days and the best best days when she realizes there is something wrong with her. She wakes up in the morning and tells me not how but what she is feeling today. From what I read on these forums this is very unusual for her to acknowledge the problem. Anyone else's parents know what is happening to them, admit it and discuss it?
Dalton
In my opinion, it makes no difference one way or another. She had it, she was in Memory Care being helped for the issues pertaining to it, and that's how it was being handled. Whether she acknowledged the fact that she had 'dementia' or not wasn't going to change the situation, and me talking to her about it only upset her, so there was no point in doing so. Had she been open to her diagnosis, we would have talked about it, certainly. Forcing facts on her didn't help my mother, as you're seeing yourself with your mother insisting there is a 'presence putting stuff up' in her her home since she 'DID NOT DO IT'. You will not convince her otherwise, whether she admits to having dementia or not.
Eventually, when the dementia progresses to the advanced stage, the elders stop being able to use reason or logic with ANYTHING, so enjoy her moments of lucidity while you can.
Good luck!
Yes, my LO knows. But chooses to not ever discuss. Well very seldomly discuss - sometimes there is a small question "Why can't I..? Oh, the blood flow thing. Then a sad nod.
I'd say it's a blessing that your Mother can talk to you about her reality. A blessing for both of you while it lasts.
https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/
We also listened to stand up comedians. Even if tou missed the last joke, another one takes its place. My Dad loved Jerry Clower and his funny stories of life growing up in a small town. Those are things you can do together with a person with short term memory. God bless you in your journey and enjoy her as long as you can.
I’m sure it was dormant somewhere but it flourished when my brother passed 2019 and has progressed quite rapidly. She went into shock and kinda never came out of it. Similarly first she was in denial and then came to accept it once I kept repeating it’s totally acceptable for memory loss to happen after such enournous grief. Despite being defined as severe, she definitely knows there’s something wrong and has a cry every day. She has hit huge depression over it. She will call herself stupid and say there’s nothing to her anymore and that she may as well be dead. It’s heartbreaking to hear,.... she used to be super independent. She never relied on anyone but herself.
Just recently my other brother passed and interestingly she’s completely aware of this. It sank in somewhere where other info doesn’t! First couple days she was cycling between knowing something is wrong and panicking / him having passed. Now she’s conpletely aware he is gone and there’s almost like this side to her that’s fighting to be sober from dementia. It’s so strange. It’s like she’s deep in there somewhere. She was able to discuss with me about funeral planning and want to comfort me (recognise I was upset) but then right now she’s trying to clean a coffee cup by hand?!?! And she will quote random number at times.
My experience watching Mum has been as if a parasite is slowly taking over her brain but she’s fighting in there deep inside. Kinda like in the horror movies when someone is possessed and the real person is trying to come out. It’s very sad but in short yes she is totally aware for now.
With mum her “emotional” “hard wired” memories seem to still be processing while the “rational”, “problem solving” is not. She still has a nurturing side left and she spotted a little kid in danger at the shopping centre which neither I or the parent noticed.
The toddler stood up on the trolley seat while dad had his back to him. Mum started rushing over quickly to catch him! I was actually quite impressed with that! Mum worked with kids throughout her working life. She also shows this same nurturing side to the cats. She might not recall how to make herself food but will recognise the cats need food and care for them.
During her rare lucid moments (and they still happen) I explain that, just as I need strong glasses because my eyes don’t function well and her brother needs hearing aids because his ears don’t function well, and our neighbour needs a wheelchair because his legs don’t function well, she needs helpers because her memory doesn’t function well and sometimes misinterprets events and forgets things. So her care facility and I put together a group of trustworthy assistants to make sure she stays on track throughout the day. How they’ll step in as much or as little as needed.
That seems to be the most acceptable explanation for her.
As things progress you may see more agnosonosia. Ie., I spoke to Mom between breakfast and Sunday services at AL today. She was fine; upbeat and just heading out the door after brushing teeth. An hour+ later her younger sister calls and reports Mom is having an awful day, whining about everything. Two + hours later I arrive to gather her for Sunday lunch out, and she’s in the dining room eating. She swears she has no keys for her AL apartment and asks staff repeatedly when she will get some. She used to acknowledge there were gaps/lapses. Not any more. Paranoia is increasing and things are moved, taken or misplaced by someone else.
I recommend David Troxel’s “A Dignified Life”. He advocates a Best Friend approach to the Alzheimer’s/ dementia journey with your loved one. It’s changed my relationship with Mom for the better. Helps me see where she is coming from, acknowledge her fears and grief and meet her where she’s at, each new day.
Best wishes along your journey. I was terrible about finding “me time”. It’s vital. Please make self-care a priority.
But I'm sorry you're in this position. Been there, and it's not fun. Like I said, if she won't go to a specialist, her PCP will eventually diagnose it. Good luck to you and your family.
I know mine knew something was off, because she had written down lists of foods to eat to combat dementia. I found a few lists like this in her house, written on the backs of envelopes, stuck in books about the brain. (Everything was badly misspelled, and this woman had once been an English teacher. But it was clear she had done a lot of research into it.)
I let it slip one time that she'd been officially diagnosed as having dementia, after she'd been badgering me as to why she had to stay where she was, and ... she didn't speak to me for three weeks. Wouldn't look at me. She was so deeply offended. I never let it slip again.
But yes, I think it might have made things easier had she been able to acknowledge it. She was just so very angry about being in memory care. She passed recently, but her rage was constant in the last few months. I wish we could have spoken calmly about it. I wish she had known that we were trying to give her a good quality of life, despite what she felt was wrongful imprisonment.