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To all the "singles" on this thread......You deserve to love and to be loved ((ie- by a significant other). By all means, go out on dates and take good care of yourselves. I agree with someone else here who said it's not really necessary that you tell your elderly parent where you are going and with whom. And as for the part about whether you would be attractive to someone-- being in the caregiving situation you are in-- I feel that that would make you even more attractive because it shows how compassionate and giving you are. Don't be afraid to give dating a try!
Are you both so sure it has to be either/or - all or nothing? Why can't you have a social life and care for your parents? And - another perspective - going out on a date does not mean an ultimate, complete relationship. You can simply go out to dinner and have a good time! You don't have to decide before socializing if it is going to interrupt your whole life style! Relax - accept people's friendship and stay with the moment. You can have fun and still be a loving caregiver.
I wrote something that I'd love to cut and paste here about marriage and taking care of parents from a biblical perspective vs the unhealthy biblical thinking that we have in our heads which sometimes came from our parents.
Making sure our elderly parents are taken care of is biblical, but now where does it say we have to do it personally. Now where does it say when your parent's get old you shall leave your spouse and cling to your parents as if you were their little child again although those like my MIL never do want their children to get married for they train them to be their mother type person when they get old and a spouse would just be in the way. My grandmother told my mother once, 'it is time for you to leave your husband and come live with me and take care of me." and she was a good Christian Presbyterian woman as least as churchianity religious standards go which an't very deep.
The most bitter people that I've met in nursing homes are old maids who did exactly what I read so many people here doing. Two who come to mind put their entire lives on hold while other siblings left and got a life. They stayed because they were told that was their duty and were promised to have the house and farm later on. Well, they did and by the time they were old themselves, they were some of the most bitter rich people one has ever met.
This "I promised them "For better or worse...till death us do part" " is part of a wedding vow. What is going to hold a man back is if he perceives that you are emotionally enmeshed with your parents; if you are so emotionally absorbed in them that you are not able or willing to make any emotional attachement to him. Now, I'm speaking as one with some experience about this very thing in my own marriage. Men don't like being married to a daddy's girl or a mommy's girl who is not their own person. Why? Because it creates an unhealthy triangle in the relationship. It is like you are married to more than one person which makes one feel very alone and betrayed much like an affair without what we usually think of on that subject. Women don't like the same sort of over attachment to his mother for the same reason unless they want to take over mom's job and treat their husband like a little boy.
Remember in situations like this that you are your parent's adult child and not their little child. As an adult and particularly at the ages shared here and others who are younger who have asked similar questions, you don't need your parent's permission do date nor do you have to tell them every part of your life. You are a human being and unless you are a nun, then get out there find yourself a man; enjoying dating and if it becomes serious fine and if not fine. You much chose a healthy path for yourself. If your aging parents like it fine and if they don't like it fine. You are not their slave, but an adult with normal human needs.
My first guess is that she is a bit jealous, and intimidated that she will lose you to him..........The same thing happened to me with my NOW husband, when we first met, my mom even went so far as forbidding me to stay with her and continue to see him, I moved out! that was 6 years ago, now she loves him like her own son, she found out that she will never be replaced by anyone, just by continuously showing her affection, love and consistency...........Its a process.... but dont put your happiness off whatever u do! there was even a point that my mom offered to pay me 50 grand, if I left him, and came back home...............that of course didnt work either, that was just how desperate she was and afraid of losing me! I am still here and never will go away!!! she is stuck with US now, and she loves it! You are a big gurl and dont have to explain in any kind of detail what u are doing, where u are going etc.............if u must treat her like a child for now do it! remember this too shall pass............
I see this in the so called "helicopter parents" of today. They are living their lives entirely through their children. When the children leave, depression and/or "clinginess" sets in and sometimes spousal relationships and longtime friendships suffer. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. To lay that burden on children (young or old) is not a loving gesture. It is controlling, manipulative, and selfish. It's like that old saying from the 70s: If you love some one, set them free - by "free" we mean spiritually and emotionally. I agree with all above. Please do not become a victim of your Mom's fear. Stay calm and enjoy your life - you deserve happiness too. Lilli
let me tell you something some elderly people over 80 think that younger people have not right to date because they are too old and that's wrong. I don't see why at age 66 you have to give explanations to your mother about your personal life about dating somebody. Don't tell her. If this relationship get more serious them you let her know, but if she tries to insult you or put you down, you have to stop her by telling her that you are old even to decide by yourself and that's is your life. PERIOD. I think that because some elderly ladies don't have the libido/interest anymore to date they think that all ladies have to do the same and even want to force others to do it. I know a lot of elderly ladies that call others elderly ladies B. just because they are still dating.
To put it about as bluntly as I care to right now, remind yourself that you are a 66 year old adult woman, and adult daughter of your mother, but not a 6 year old little girl or your mother's 6 year old daughter.
Your social life is none of her _ business. Sometimes young people just like some older people don't think anyone else should have a romantic life at all which is sick. Live a little! Swing from the chandeliears if you want to, but you don't need mommy's approval, permission, nor does she need to know about it. Make it so and go for it!
Timmy (sorry all I remember is it begins with a T) a man may want to date you for that very reason, that you are NOT readily available. I find at this age, for me 54, I don't want to be bothered all the time, just when I want to be bothered.
For the person that asked the question if you should tell your mom, NO at your age you don't owe your mom any explanations.
Tonight I'm having a party (BAR B Q), this evening to be exact. I've said not one word to my mom or sister about the party. I know my mom would start asking a whole bunch of questions and tell me how I should entertain and decorate. I've decorated my way outside, and invited whom I wanted to invite. Don't want to hear about who will be eating up all the food and trying to take some home with them, and don't want to be asked if I can bring her a plate, yeah right in the middle of the party everything must stop and I must bring her a plate.
Not this time, this time it's all me. It's taken a long time to get to the place I'm at now, but although moms life is coming to an end, mine must go on.
So as I do all the last minute dudads, I'm listening to my music while finishing up my inside cooking while my friend does his thing on the grill.
Here's hoping all us caregivers have a wonderful 4th of July!
I think it's ok to define boundaries. You're an adult and are probably doing much more than the average person would. Your love is 24hrs a day, but that doesn't mean you have to suffer for 24hrs a day.
Explain to them that you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Finding happiness with friends and dating is how you can do that. If they don't understand that, they'll have to get over it. You are in complete control of this situation. Good luck, SlimJim
godhelpus: For most of the world, that IS why people have children, to help with the farm and chores and to take care of the parents when they age. In some countries, more traditionally spelled out. In China, traditional for the eldest son and his wife to move into his parents' house and he (right) takes care of the parents until they die...then he is the ONLY sibling to inherit the parents' home and estate. You know who actually does all the work and catches all the grief from the old lady's sharp tongue. Anyway, this sort of makes sense at least. The eldest son's family gets help from grandma and grandpa early on with babysitting, then the grandparents are cared for and the son rewarded with the estate. Heard that if no sons, then the eldest daughter is expected to do this.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
And - another perspective - going out on a date does not mean an ultimate, complete relationship. You can simply go out to dinner and have a good time! You don't have to decide before socializing if it is going to interrupt your whole life style! Relax - accept people's friendship and stay with the moment. You can have fun and still be a loving caregiver.
Making sure our elderly parents are taken care of is biblical, but now where does it say we have to do it personally. Now where does it say when your parent's get old you shall leave your spouse and cling to your parents as if you were their little child again although those like my MIL never do want their children to get married for they train them to be their mother type person when they get old and a spouse would just be in the way. My grandmother told my mother once, 'it is time for you to leave your husband and come live with me and take care of me." and she was a good Christian Presbyterian woman as least as churchianity religious standards go which an't very deep.
The most bitter people that I've met in nursing homes are old maids who did exactly what I read so many people here doing. Two who come to mind put their entire lives on hold while other siblings left and got a life. They stayed because they were told that was their duty and were promised to have the house and farm later on. Well, they did and by the time they were old themselves, they were some of the most bitter rich people one has ever met.
This "I promised them "For better or worse...till death us do part" " is part of a wedding vow. What is going to hold a man back is if he perceives that you are emotionally enmeshed with your parents; if you are so emotionally absorbed in them that you are not able or willing to make any emotional attachement to him. Now, I'm speaking as one with some experience about this very thing in my own marriage. Men don't like being married to a daddy's girl or a mommy's girl who is not their own person. Why? Because it creates an unhealthy triangle in the relationship. It is like you are married to more than one person which makes one feel very alone and betrayed much like an affair without what we usually think of on that subject. Women don't like the same sort of over attachment to his mother for the same reason unless they want to take over mom's job and treat their husband like a little boy.
Remember in situations like this that you are your parent's adult child and not their little child. As an adult and particularly at the ages shared here and others who are younger who have asked similar questions, you don't need your parent's permission do date nor do you have to tell them every part of your life. You are a human being and unless you are a nun, then get out there find yourself a man; enjoying dating and if it becomes serious fine and if not fine. You much chose a healthy path for yourself. If your aging parents like it fine and if they don't like it fine. You are not their slave, but an adult with normal human needs.
At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own happiness. To lay that burden on children (young or old) is not a loving gesture. It is controlling, manipulative, and selfish. It's like that old saying from the 70s: If you love some one, set them free - by "free" we mean spiritually and emotionally.
I agree with all above. Please do not become a victim of your Mom's fear. Stay calm and enjoy your life - you deserve happiness too.
Lilli
To put it about as bluntly as I care to right now, remind yourself that you are a 66 year old adult woman, and adult daughter of your mother, but not a 6 year old little girl or your mother's 6 year old daughter.
Your social life is none of her _ business. Sometimes young people just like some older people don't think anyone else should have a romantic life at all which is sick. Live a little! Swing from the chandeliears if you want to, but you don't need mommy's approval, permission, nor does she need to know about it. Make it so and go for it!
For the person that asked the question if you should tell your mom, NO at your age you don't owe your mom any explanations.
Tonight I'm having a party (BAR B Q), this evening to be exact. I've said not one word to my mom or sister about the party. I know my mom would start asking a whole bunch of questions and tell me how I should entertain and decorate. I've decorated my way outside, and invited whom I wanted to invite. Don't want to hear about who will be eating up all the food and trying to take some home with them, and don't want to be asked if I can bring her a plate, yeah right in the middle of the party everything must stop and I must bring her a plate.
Not this time, this time it's all me. It's taken a long time to get to the place I'm at now, but although moms life is coming to an end, mine must go on.
So as I do all the last minute dudads, I'm listening to my music while finishing up my inside cooking while my friend does his thing on the grill.
Here's hoping all us caregivers have a wonderful 4th of July!
Explain to them that you have to take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Finding happiness with friends and dating is how you can do that. If they don't understand that, they'll have to get over it. You are in complete control of this situation.
Good luck,
SlimJim
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