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It depends on her age and her health is she taking her meds. and if she lives alone does she eat meals it depends if she is 69 or 99 or if she is depressed I assume she lives with you have you tried to get her interested in activities and she has no interest in them when my husband was in rehab he did not avail himself to any of the many activities at either nursing home he was in and only wanted to watch TV all day when he was not in PT. If you could give more information I am sure the great caregivers here would be glad to offer how they handled this.
well 195Austin, my mom is 78 and lives with me. She hardly eats, won't fix a meal or even a sandwich for herself most times. She will eat dinner when we all sit and eat. I believe she's depressed, but trying to discuss it with her is like starting WWW 3, and that is more stress than is healthy for me right now. Yes I've tried to get her interested in different things, including decorating her room, and her knitting that she's always loved so much, to no avail. I also had someone come over and offer different activities for her to attend, and she declined. The only thing she will do is from time to time come out into the living room and work on a puzzle that I have on the table. She doesn't get much done on it and spends much of her time grunting, groaning and complaining.
Has she experienced a recent loss of a spouse or close relationship? My mom was depressed after her boyfriend died of a stroke last year. She was depressed and didn't want to do anything except sit in her lounge chair. She gradually came out of it after increasing the antidepressant medication. However, she still was weak and not getting out enough, then she fell two months agao several times in the apartment and had to go to the nursing home. Now she is more anry than depressed at having to be in the nursing home, but I have done this for five years and need to get on with my life.
Well it seems to me you have done all you can I learned the hard way you can only do what you can both my husband and his Mother were both so wrapped up in themselves niether of them had any friends when each of them passed it got so I did not want to visit my husband in rehab and you are ahead of the game by not getting upset by it around here people say it is what it is any you will not be able to change her at this point- it really amazes me how different older people are my one grandmother lived to be 102 and the other 96 and they were both very active until they both passed and my MIL was OLD at 57 and people at my senior center whom I sew cancer pads with are in their 90's- some others in their 70's and 80's and are very active and others sit around moaning and groaning I probably have not been very helpful but did learn a lot along the way caring for the husband who passed almost 5 months ago-I use to get so stressed by his behaivor and so upset and really could not change a thing-I just went out when I could and made a life for myself and try noy yo get too upset by him-easier said now then done at the time. take care dear lady.
If you have a laptop computer, or a PC, there is an A-W-E-S-O-M-E program that you can buy for your loved one called THE BRAIN FITNESS PROGRAM. The Public TV Station was having a fundraiser several months back and had a whole program on the brain and how it is able to repair itself and learn more - even for people at ANY age! I made the donation requested and got this BFP for my loved one and it is so easy to use on the laptop! It improves your memory, your ability to listen, and your ability to differentiate between sounds. It's so much better than having your loved one stare at a tv set all day, know what I mean? The graphics are great and it is really fun to work through the 35+ levels of the program. Plus, once you are done, you can redoing it and improving! I am constantly exploring and discovering things that I can bring into our home to help my loved one. In addition, I try to spend every waking moment with my loved one - which means I am not on the computer, talking on the phone, or doing the dishes if I could be engaged in an activity with my loved one instead. Not always an easy feat, but a goal and a personal commitment of mine. I try to imagine what it is like being in bed and not being able to get myself in a comfortable position without the help of someone else - or being in a wheelchair for hours and not being able to move around a lot in the chair without the help of someone else - when I think of that, I do everything I can to come up with exercises, activities, "yoga in the wheelchair" videos to watch, wii bowling and sports games, letter writing, prayer, - everything and anything to be active, alert, alive, and joy-filled. This Brain Fitness Program I mentioned literally FORCES the "user" (the participant) to focus and pay attention - otherwise the "klonk" sound goes off instead of the "ding" that the answer was right. Phew. Don't know if any of this makes sense - too tired to go back and reread it - but maybe it can help someone out there.
mine does the sme thing talked to her doc when dad died 2 1/2 yrs ago he prescribed anti depressant she had it filled than threw them down the toilet and told meshe wasn't depressed, sh can fix herself a sandwich or tv dinner but I see a slow decline in the use of the microwave. she does her own laundry the only time she comes out is to make herself a cup of tea or I say its time to eat. does not want to be a part of our family says its not hers well I'm her eldest child did I miss something? anyway I just leave her to her own devices what ever I try I hit a brick wall I did set her pc up so she can play solitare and she likes to read the rags they are the gospel truth you know. so I get her puzzle books she did buy herself some crayons and coloring bok and a small keyboard how she will learn to play it I don't know she is deaf but if it makes her happy so be it, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make them drink it.
It sounds to me like she is depressed - big time - I don't know what to do but you might try to engage her in activities she used to enjoy. If you can not get her to try anything or go out, or do anything she used to do, you might try contacting her primary physician to see if he or she has any suggestions. It is a shame for her not to be enjoying her later years. My father admits that he feels depressed sometimes (he is 88) but he will not hesitate to go out to eat or go out to listen to music, two of his favorite activities. I hope you can get help for her soon.
She refuses to take anything but her HB pressure med and lipitor her doc prescribed meds for the pain in her back she refuses to take that instead she takes a tylenol, I spoke with the doc and he prescribed those pain pads for her back she said she doesn't like them, I gave her some cream for pain she used it one day but it is just easier to use that as an excuse not to go anywhere and moan and groan and hold her back so I know not to ask her to go anywhere or do anything??? Also she is narcissistic and will not be evaluated for phsyc says there is nothing wrong with her mind. so we do the best we can, I have learned the best way to deal with my mother is to just let her talk shake my head yes and go on about my business that seems to work best she thinks I am commisserating with her and I don't have to feel so stressed listening to it ten times a day, I have osteo arthritis, rheumetory arthritis, heart disease, HB, H cholesterol vitamin D deficency, anxiety, anti depressants and a broken finger but as soon as I mention something about my heart 30 % blockage we end up talking about her back and I don't know what pain is until I have a back like hers funny thing is I do and it radiates to my hips down my legs and can only walk short distances. But Narcissism is that way so I don't talk about me anymore, I just keep it to my self because she isn't interested in anything unless it pertains to her.
If your mother is not physically able to get out of the bed, then you should try to allow time to just sit in the room with her and spend time with her doing what she wants to do. When my mother got too frail to get out of the bed, the family would just spend time with her in her room. Sometimes I would just chat with her, read the newspaper to her, read the Bible and talk with her about what I was reading, etc., and sometimes watch the tv program that she was watching. When she was not up to talking or doing anything, I would just sit quietly and let her know that I was nearby if she needed me. The important thing is to let your mother know that you are there for her and that sometimes might mean just leaving her alone with her own thoughts. My mother has passed but the memories that I have from spending time with her are treasures. Sometimes when someone is sick, they just want your presence and not necessarily for you to do anything. Just be in sync with your mother's feelings so that you will know when to do what. Even is she complains, emphathize with her because even if the pain is in her mind, it is still real to her. I enjoyed my mother right to the end even though she was too weak to speak. I would lie in the bed with her and hold her in my arms or hold her hand. Sometimes my mother would just pat my hand or pat the bed for me to lie down next to her. You should be proud of yourself that you care enough to want to do what is right by your mother. Some mothers aren't that blessed. If you believe in the strength of prayer, you could pray and ask God to guide you in doing the right thing.
My Mother lives with me and is 85 years olds. She does not like to do anything. She is able to dress herself, change her diaper, and fold the clothes out of the dryer. She has no interest. She does not watch tv, read the paper or any books or magazines. All she does is set on her bed and look out the window waiting for me to come home and entertain her. She will not fix her lunch. I have to see everyday before I go to work that she has something simple to eat for lunch. When my husband and I go out with friends she wants to go too. She says they are her friends. I wish she would get interested in watching tv. It would be a good baby sitter.
my mother doesn't want me in her room mucch less in her bed. and I am so happy you had such a wonderful relationship with your mom. She has all her things still packed up in boxes after a year and a half and doesn't want me knowing whats in them? She's always been very secretive, now she is asking me where her boxes of this and that are as if I came in to take them she stays in her room all the time so I couldn''t get in there to snoop if I had the time to do it and I'm not interested in her stuff I've tried to clear places all through the house so she could enjoy her things but they stay empty for 3 and 4 months at a time and she says I have no place to put my stuff, I say Mom put them anywhere you want you can move my stuff, I even gave away tons of funiture, curtains, dishes glasses pots and pan cannisters etc to accomodate hers so she would feel welcome but to no avail so My only solution is to let her have her way and stay in her room. She never did much in her life anyway except sleep stay up late and watch tv eat and tell us what to do thus we had no childhood I've been taking care of my parents in more ways than one since I was 7 years old I am sure it is not going to change now.
I used to envy girls who had loving relationships with their moms, I don't anymore I am happy for them. I did however, think that once dad died and mom wanted to move in with me we would start to have a close relationship, she says we do and i don't feel it because she won't even meet me 1/4 of the way. so as long as i do what she wants and make her feel special at times she thinks we have a great relationship. So God bless all of you who do.
I think we all have to remember that each person could be staying in bed for a different reason. Some of our parents are too old and frail, some are depressed......And some are perfectly happy to be by themselves. We have to decide first WHY they are staying in bed. If they are frail, then sitting with them is a sweet idea. If they are depressed, maybe a doctor can help them with medication. I'm trying to say we have to look carefully at our parents and figure out the best we can.
Is she grieving? When I lost my wife, that's what I did for three months. Plus I medicated myself with food until I got so soggy in the middle the mirrors had to go. My son Joe, then 14, told me I wasn't the one who died. ... I slapped him to the floor. He asked if that was the best I could do, and we both burst into tears. His twin brother, Lou, joined us about 10 minutes later to help him literally drag me out of bed, bathe and shave me. "You need to breathe and you gotta move Dad. At least do it for us. ... Come on, let's get dressed." I bent and reached for the crusty pajamas I'd been living in for 12 weeks, picked them up, and began to laugh. I suddenly remembered Piper Laurie in the movie Carrie when she told her daughter "Take off that dress! We'll burn it together and pray for forgiveness." Well, there wasn't much praying, but we certainly set them on fire after barbecueing some chicken in the backyard. That was also the day I stopped drinking altogether.
What I'm trying to say here is don't let her be but give her some space. Don't give up so easily and don't let her give up either. Try some talk therapy like my sons did with me, as it sounds like she she's on the pity pot for reasons that aren't clear to you. Unless there's a physical and mental impairment, she needs to get out of the house if only for 1-2 hours a day; and so do you. The exercise will do her good, even if you have to carry or wheel her all over the neighborhood. Remember, you have a right to be happy every day; even if it's for 5 minutes.
I appreciate all the responses very much. Thank you everyone. She's not grieving and not too frail to get up and do things for herself. I do believe she's depressed and unsure of her future, as her health is not good. Since she's been here with me, she's actually gotten good health care by good doctors. Something she's not really used to, as she's been a "clinic" patient for so long. A lot has changed for her with respect to how she takes care of herself. She now has to use oxygen at night and needs to take nebulizer treatments 3X's a day, as well as quit smoking. I do know and understand that the lack of attention that she gets from her other children plays a role in her behavior. However, there's only so much I can do for her. Another thing about my mom is she has always been lazy and selfish, with a side of nastiness thrown in for good measure. My mom is not as feeble and she tries to make others believe and she wants the attention to be on her, hence the grunting, groaning and other various noises. These are all not new. I can totally respect her confusion and concerns, however, I have an exceedingly difficult time understanding her lack of motivation with life in general. This has created such a negative energy within my home, effecting my household and my relationship with my husband. I fully believe that taking care of our parents when they get older is our God given responsibility, but struggle with the strong feeling that I'm being used and the efforts of my family and I are not appreciated at all.
I repeat: Talk with your doctor about an antidepressant. You will not believe how that can help you all! It is not ok for you to feel used. That will stop if your mother is in a better humor.
Elizza, it's already been done. My moms doctor prescribed prozac. however, my mother refuses to admit that she is depressed and will not take it. I wish she would, but I can't make her take any meds she doesn't want to.
Many years ago, I did the whole oxygen, nebulizer, and pumps to treat chronic asthma. Not being able to breathe was scary and depressing. Doctors would prescribe happy pills like Prozac and Celexa, which only served to briefly mask the depression. I kept popping them like candy, yet couldn't quite put my finger on the underlying cause(s) of my depression and the eternal fatigue that kept me from enjoying life and made me irritable enough to entertain homicidal thoughts. My condition was self-inflicted, but someone else had to pay in order for me to feel better about myself. I'd do the whole Cleopatra Queen of Denial bit to cover up the fact I had a severe alcohol problem that triggered the asthma and everything else that befell me as a result.
My "epiphany" came when my wife passed away and I stopped drinking. The doctors, happy as pigs in slop, believed their medical interventions were the reason for my dramatically improved health and continued to prescribe pumps which I collected and eventually donated. My point? If your mom quits smoking (in my book "slow suicide"), she'll need less oxygen at night and nebulizer treatments. Unfortunately, smoking is possibly the only thing that gives her pleasure; so it'll be extremely difficult for her to give them up. But if you reduce the harm, everything else, in time, will fall into place. She might then be inclined, with your loving nudges of course, to get out of bed more often to discover or re-discover other pleasurable things that can replace smoking, and eventually rejoin humanity.
Thank you edvierajr. I sure hope you're correct about that. However, she's was a smoker for over 50 years and the emphysema has already gotten a hold of her. On a good note she's been quit for close to 2 months now, which is a lot longer than I thought she would make. So at least there won't be any further damage. Her quality of life has improved by leaps and bounds since she's been here in my home, so it makes absolutely no rhyme or reason as to why she would want to continue to be miserable. Thank you for your input and again i hope your correct and she'll eventually want to rejoin humanity.
I have seen this so often. I think they get a feeling their life is over. They do just what they want to and nothing more. I am the last child of 8, so I saw some of my sisters do this. But they would watch television. I am sure you have heard this saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink it."
You might want to check her heartbeat. My mother is 74 and lately she is extremely tired and wants to sit in her chair and do nothing but sleep. At her last visit with her cardiologist they found her heart rate to be high and had a monitor belt put on for 24 hours. Her cardiologist said that with the higher heartbeat rate it is more tireing and she might have to adjust her medications. Check out her cardiologist if she has one. Good Luck.
Between my daughter and I, my mothers blood pressure is checked 3 X's a day, and along with that her heart rate is checked as well. Aside from an occasional dip in her blood pressure, things are ok. That's not saying that there is nothing wrong with my moms heart, as she's just decided to go ahead and have the defib/pacemaker put in. Now it's a matter of her making the apt to actually have it done.
I notice this in my 88 year old mother at times and feel it is depression. When I see it happening, I try to give her something to look forward to, i.e. let's get together and make lunch (in 2 days). think about what we should make and I'll pick up the ingredients. Things like this seem to perk her up and get her thinking about something else beside "being old and not able to do the things I used to do".
Do you ever bring home flowers for her. Even a card to say, "I love you mom." Maybe you have but anything like this to perk her up. A hug or a kiss? Not saying you don't do this but sometimes we forget.
How long has she been with you? If not very long I know I would miss my home that I have lived in for 35 years.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
old and frail, some are depressed......And some are perfectly happy to be by themselves. We have to decide first WHY they are staying in bed. If they are frail, then sitting with them is a sweet idea. If they are depressed, maybe a doctor can help them with medication. I'm trying to say we have to look carefully at our parents and figure out the best we can.
What I'm trying to say here is don't let her be but give her some space. Don't give up so easily and don't let her give up either. Try some talk therapy like my sons did with me, as it sounds like she she's on the pity pot for reasons that aren't clear to you. Unless there's a physical and mental impairment, she needs to get out of the house if only for 1-2 hours a day; and so do you. The exercise will do her good, even if you have to carry or wheel her all over the neighborhood. Remember, you have a right to be happy every day; even if it's for 5 minutes.
My "epiphany" came when my wife passed away and I stopped drinking. The doctors, happy as pigs in slop, believed their medical interventions were the reason for my dramatically improved health and continued to prescribe pumps which I collected and eventually donated. My point? If your mom quits smoking (in my book "slow suicide"), she'll need less oxygen at night and nebulizer treatments. Unfortunately, smoking is possibly the only thing that gives her pleasure; so it'll be extremely difficult for her to give them up. But if you reduce the harm, everything else, in time, will fall into place. She might then be inclined, with your loving nudges of course, to get out of bed more often to discover or re-discover other pleasurable things that can replace smoking, and eventually rejoin humanity.
"I love you mom." Maybe you have but anything like this to perk her up. A hug or a kiss? Not saying you don't do this but sometimes we forget.
How long has she been with you? If not very long I know I would miss my home that I have lived in for 35 years.