Mom is 86. She has been living in house with 1 cat. Being alone hasn't been good for her. Conditions inside home have deteriorated in various ways. I haven't seen actual photos, despite asking family to share with me. Claims they would share photos have not been fulfilled. I have been accused of not accepting situation or believing them, which is not true. I simply want photos for further understanding of mom's situation, and processing what's going on. Some family have been harsh toward me over this, while I am younger senior citizen. Have been told that some serious rodent infestation evident, that some insect issues observed along with some hoarding of certain items. Younger sibling placed Mom in 72 hour psych hold over this matter; Mom still in facility. Mom is communicating with me only, by phone. She's very emotionally hurt and confused. Has no criminal, no drug, and no arrest history in her 86 years. Feels like a prisoner. Am staying in touch with mom via phone trying to console and support her. Am trying to process this emotionally so to have strength to help Mom much as possible, want her in safest situation but don't want her spirit trampled and stomped on. Wanting as much dignity for her as possible, even though she's not always processing clearly (thinks someone coming in her house sometimes, ideas that things being taken & reactions toward others over that). Whole situation has been building over time, hints that younger sibling might take action to try and control situation, but never thought nor could predict sibling would go to this extreme. I understand the desire by family nearby wanting safe conditions for her. AMom is 86. She has been living in house with 1 cat. Being alone hasn't been good for her. Conditions inside home have deteriorated in various ways. I haven't seen actual photos, despite asking family to share with me. Claims they would share photos have not been fulfilled. I have been accused of not accepting situation or believing them, which is not true. I simply want photos for further understanding of mom's situation, and processing what's going on. Some family have been harsh toward me over this, while I am younger senior citizen. Have been told that some serious rodent infestation evident, that some insect issues observed along with some hoarding of certain items. Younger sibling placed Mom in 72 hour psych hold over this matter; Mom still in facility. Mom is communicating with me only, by phone. She's very emotionally hurt and confused. Has no criminal, no drug, and no arrest history in her 86 years. Feels like a prisoner. I am staying in touch with mom via phone trying to console and support her. I'm trying to process this emotionally to have the strength to help mom much as possible. I want her in safest situation but don't want her spirit trampled on. Wanting as much dignity for her as possible, even though she's not always processing clearly (thinks someone is in her house sometimes, ideas that things are being taken & reactions toward others over that). The whole situation has been building over time, hints that younger sibling might take action to try and control situation, but never thought nor could predict sibling would go to this extreme. Understand desire by family nearby to Mom wanting safe conditions for her. Am on board with same desire done in right way. Mom is now very angry and hurt by this extreme action. What could be done going forth as to help her have better living conditions but also to retain her dignity. I'm on board with the desire for this to be done in the right way. Mom is now very angry and hurt by this extreme action. What could be done going forth to help her have better living conditions, but also retain her dignity?
I agree that Rt66Traveler needs to visit her mother to get a better idea of the situation. The distance is a long drive, but a reasonable flight even if changes in planes are needed. Whatever the cost, the cost of not going may be much greater!
1. Research what a Psych hold is.
It is for Psychological evaluation. When someone is unsafe &/or unable to cope in their daily life. Reports of *self-neglect* can be a trigger for an eval. Can be mental illness, depression. Stroke or cognitive impairement/memory issues (dementia) is a typical cuplrit in the aged popluation.
2. Listen to the Social Worker or Case Worker's info re your Mother's health & living condition.
3. Be empathetic. Listen to your Mother's side. If she is scared or angry, feels like she is locked up.. OK. She feels what she feels.
4. Use reason.
Someone saying they are fine does not mean they ARE actually fine.
5. Same page. If you & younger sib can get on the same page, that will help your Mother more.
It is common to see things differently, sometimes very differently, especially when one is near & one is far. There are differences in values even in the one family too eg stay at home as long as possible VS better social opportunities & more care in supported accom.
Tug of war between sibs won't help.
You really will need to go there is person if you want to know what's going on. She needs an accurate diagnosis. In a non-crisis situation she would be going to her primary doctor and having all sorts of tests to discount any other reasons for her behavior (UTI, stroke, over- or under-medicating with existing prescriptions, etc) some of which are treatable. Her living conditions you describe seems like someone who is unable to live on her own or even see her need for outside help.
I strongly suggest that, until you can get there in person, you find a family ally to give you accurate info (because you cannot be sure if what your Mom is telling you is true or not).
"...thinks someone coming in her house sometimes, ideas that things being taken & reactions toward others over that..." this kind of paranoia is classic dementia behavior. If your Mom does have dementia and is paranoid, angry and unable to take care of herself then she might require meds to help with her anxiety and also cannot live on her own anymore. Your comment about wanting to do things "...done in right way..." means you are bound to be disappointed because in helping our LOs with dementia there is often only "what's best for them" and most of the time this is basically the least bad option. I'm hoping she has money to pay for care if there isn't a family caregiver willing to step in.
If your Mom does have dementia, please begin educating yourself about it. This will help you understand how best to help her and help your other family to help her. I've personally learned a lot from Teepa Snow videos on YouTube, and from this forum in particular.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you and your family work to help your Mom.
As such she is in charge of all of this.
Social services will likely be called in.
If you continue to argue she may share no further information with you, and this is her right.
An unsafe home is not an option.
What will happen after the hold and what diagnosis is a result will greatly impact how your sister has to move forward.
I myself would visit now. Phone calls are not adequate and you can't see or understand the situation without being there. If you are able you will need to visit. If you cannot do so you will need to trust your sister and stop adding extra angst with a lot of argument.
I would be supportive to the sister attempting management and care of someone suffering from hoarding and I would explain when you speak to mother that living in this condition cannot be allowed for her own safety and her daughter is acting in her best interests. If you are financially able, offer help in getting the home cleared out.
Hoarding is a mental illness. I believe that your sister has done what she had to because nothing else worked.
You have to decide if you WANT to be POA or guardian and take responsibility for what happens next. Getting someone with dementia to agree to a safe placement can often be very difficult. Also, it sounds like your siblings are going to fight you for control. I’m sorry you (and mom) are going through this difficult situation.
I know what I say may sound harsh but you seem to be far enough away that you have no idea what is going on with your Mom. In the early stages of Dementia people having a feeling there is something not quite right with themselves so they are able to "showtime" for periods of time. So Mom may be able to act "normal" for a phone call or a Dr. Visit. As Dementia progresses, thats not so. Also in early stages, they "sundown" and thats when Dementia rears its ugly head.
Its hard to get someone placed on a 72hr hold. Was APS called? With my Aunt, diagnosis with ALZ, her doctor ordered a 72hr hold. Really, its the best thing for Mom. You and ur siblings will know exactly what is going on. If Dementia is found, you will not be able to get Financial POA or Medical. Mom has to make the assignment and she won't be able to with a diagnosis of Dementia. And, you live too far away to carry out the responsibilities. Those living closer should be POAs. I would not be surprised that younger sibling does not already have POA.
Yes, you need to go see Mom. And I would not be judgemental about what this sibling did or does. They are the one who is there on a daily basis. You probably were sent no pictures because sibling felt you should just come and see for yourself. So tread lightly.
I am not sure why you do not just go and visit.
Sure mom can be angry if her mind is broken. Unfortunately if she cannot afford to repair her home, the local officials might just condemn it. The next step could also be a Medicaid care home. I am sorry that you cannot visualize this
When my kind hearted but not local relative came to visit our LO, they were not prepared for the "take me home" pleas. They wanted to act on LO's wish/their feeling.. Reason prevailed & LO did stay in the required care setting but we read here on the forum of people who have done just that. Swooped in, heard the pleas, taken someone home. Then the truth of the care needs become evident.
Psych holds do not take place unless there's a valid reason!
72 hours is ONLY THREE DAYS!
Mom likely has dementia which is creating the ugly scenarios in her home, the paranoid thinking, and the crying to YOU that she's being held prisoner for no good reason. There's a very good reason.
Go see the situation for yourself with your own two eyes. The worst thing in the world is dealing with Armchair Critics from far away while trying to do Boots on the Ground work!
Give your siblings the credit for doing what's best for your mother here w/o taking HER ramblings into consideration until you see her and her living conditions for yourself.
Good luck, from the only child POA for a mother with dementia who was considered "perfectly fine" by her and the rest of the family. She most definitely was not.