I just put both of my parents in a nursing home. My Dad has Alzheimers and my Mom has mild to moderate dementia. They were both in the hospital and I moved them from there. My Mom is so mad at me, she says I put her there to die. But she can't take care of herself well anymore, let alone my Dad. He really needs to be there. They were living on their own and the conditions of the home were deplorable and she was either under medication him or over medicating him. She was not taking her own meds. I am single and work, I get no help from my siblings even though I have some. I had one brother who helped but he had a stroke himself 2 years ago and cannot walk or talk anymore, so that leaves me. None of the others help me, although they like to judge me and bad mouth me. It has been the hardest decision I ever had to make and I feel sooooo guilty. I feel they will be better cared for there if my Mom at least gives it a chance, but she is so scared. She thinks they are going to come and get her at night and hurt her or kill her. She cries and begs me to get them out. I have visited everyday, some people tell me not to, but when I don't Mother is so upset. She gets upset and gets my Dad upset. He would be ok, if she didn't continue talking about it to him. It hurts so much to have her say I don't care about them and just want them to die. How does one get through this without any family support???
Being in a nursing home doesn't have to be forever either. If they are still physically able, you may want to consider an assisted living facility to give them some kind of independence. They have dementia wings and many locations. Assisted living is also much cheaper than a nursing home. Everyone feels guilty in the beginning, but as long as you are on top of things and BE INVOLVED...question the staff, observe the staff--make sure you do visit with your parents, then things will start to get better.
The way I look at this is, you did what is best for both your parents, as well as for yourself. Perhaps the staff at the nursing home can help support your feelings on this, or even your parents neurologist.
What may be upsetting to your parents is they may feel as though you have taken away their independence-and unfortunately they are not able to view the whole picture.
It sounds to me you did what is best for everyone involved-and you have to support your own feelings in this decision---If you have some time, perhaps going to some support group meetings of your local chapter of the Alzheimer's Association will be of value.The Alz Assoc-also has a hotline that is open 24/7-and that number is 1-800-272-3900.
I personally have gone thru this caregiver journey, and know what it is like to place someone in a facility. I also realize how VITAL caregiver support is. It is important that you DO NOT compromise your own health-which is so easy to do.
Stay strong, and do not let your emotions get the best of you-as for the others in your family, the situation is what it is.
Good luck!
Hap
As for over- or under-medicating, I find this happens, even in the nursing home. Due to limiting factors, they can only do so much. They can't stop the mind's deterioration, or the natural decline eventually leading to death. I try to remember that even "experts" are still "practicing" physicians, and do not have all the answers.
Many of our loved ones are vulnerable, and can't adequately protect themselves. We do the best we can to fill in the gaps, and leave the rest to God in prayer.
It may help you get through the guilt if you think ROLE REVERSAL. At this point in your parents lives they are much like children in their ability to care for themselves and make good, safe choices. On the other hand, you are at a point in your life where you intuitively know how to handle this situation and have the confidence in yourself to do the right thing even if it hurts. Ask yourself what you would want your children to do if they found themselves in your situation. I am sure you would want them to do exactly what you are doing for your parents. Sometimes, love is as hard and cold as steel. This is certainly one of those times for you! If you did not love your parents it would be easy to go into denial like your siblings have and let things fall as they will. Then you would not have to feel any guilt because you could believe that it was your parents own fault if they screwed up. They are adults and should know better than to mess up with medication instructions or get themselves in dangerous situations. So let go of the guilt and continue to do THE RIGHT THING. You will have no regrets. I cannot say the same for your siblings once they experience the finality of your mom and dad's passing.
The guilt you feel is normal. Your head tells you you are doing the right thing, but your heart is torn up. I know, I've been there. Doing this alone is what is so hard. You need to find some support other than your family. I don't know what it is about families, maybe they are in denial, maybe they just can't handle seeing their parents declining so badly. You are the caregiver because somewhere in you, you found the strength to do so. They have not. You can't change them, so you need to look out for yourself. Your local area on the aging will probably have a caregiver support group if the face-to-face thing would help. This site is a lifeline for many caregivers. Stick around, we're good for each other.
It is no longer realistic to promise anyone that they will not end up in some type of facility. I think that we make these promises to our parents to help them overcome their fear of abandonment. It would be kinder if we had a frank discussion before the moment occurs. In that way, parents have made their wishes known, provided the caregiver with instructions, and understand their childrens' limitations. Too often caregiving is "sprung" on the child who steps up to the plate. This decision should not become a "lottery."
Perhaps we should focus on helping children have a meaningful dialogue with their parents before situations reach "critical mass." In this youth-fixated country of ours, we view aging as a disease. When was the last time you saw an nice, craggy, older face on your favorite television show? The result is fear of getting older. We fear aging...fear loss of independence...fear death. This is not a healthy way for anyone to live.
Those of us who are caregivers now need to speak up and make our wishes known to our children and future caregivers. Maybe our experiences will be another important legacy that our parents will leave us.
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