Facility, fear, feeling “not enough”
After many years of issues, we have secured beds at a facility.
I am full of anxiety. I know they will be unhappy, and sad.
The thought of that withdrawal that may come is painful.
I’ve shared some here, and have been so blessed by the support. I am an only child.
Both parents are ill, on hospice. They are home with 24 hr caregivers. Getting ready to run out of money.
Mom: PSP, and remaining injuries from a fall that broke her back. In a wheelchair. Dad: MS, strokes and heart attacks. Course of 10 years. All suggestions, offers, plans, delving into NH/AL options were met with hostility.
I have been the one to scurry to meet every critical emergency, 5 rehab stays, hospitals, scrounging to sell land before money runs out to pay caregivers, stealing of bad caregivers.... the list is frightening. Office on Aging and social services in their area is the worst...
Its been a constant source of stress.
I have battled cancer twice, the last time aggressive, and I have many health issues.
Monday, my oncologist relayed she is worried about lung mets. More tests. My own finances are in ruin.
I know mom and dad love me, and are concerned about my health, but their desires have trumped everything for years.
While mom has acquiesced to go see the facility Friday, she refuses to tell my father for fear it will agitate him & make him more confused. I told her it would be cruel to wait, that he needs time to adjust.
I know this post has no real question... I’m sorry. I’m just weary. I’ve done my best, but it does not feel good enough.
I love them very much, but I am only 50, and I consider they will probably outlive me.
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Thank you for your kind words and support. Just the first line brought tears. There is no other choice cat this point, and I pray this will be an easy transition. I just wish it felt better.
Point of order, here, which I hope will also relieve you on at least one aspect of this whole thing.
I used to think "time to adjust", too - but I was wrong on this point and I learned better from a leading care organisation's training video. I'll try to explain:
when there is a major decision to be processed, and the person - even if not formally diagnosed - is unable to deal with the planning aspects, best practice is NOT to agitate them about visits, appointments or changes ahead of time.
The point is that thinking time, when you're dealing with unknowns such as "will we like the facility?", merely leads to anxiety, agitation and uncertainty. It will be much better, come Friday morning, having given them time to dress and do their ordinary morning routine, to say "we're going to have lunch at [name of facility], let's get into the car and go."
That way, he has to deal with only what is happening in the moment. He still gets every opportunity to look around and have his say, but he is isn't burdened with the complicated thinking and planning beforehand.
Think positive, and lean on the staff. Let *them* lead the tour. Have you already spoken to the admissions team? Are you happy with their support?
Thank you. I did not see the issue until you made it clear... thank you. I do think he is having times of confusion. Waiting and not ruminating does seem a better choice. I believe mom mentioned it today, and we were surprised it was taken well.
I have been very pleased with speaking on the phone with the admissions director and the social worker.... that has been a big blessing.
Thank you, for your kindness.
You ARE enough and sounds like you have been for many, many years.
It is time to let your parents age/decline with as much dignity as you can afford them, and at the same time, take care of yourself.
I, too, have just been dxed with cancer and one of the things my oncologist told me was that stress was an actual causation of the cancer--whether or not that was true in my case, he said it simply, is.
My DH sat there , head kind of low, as he realized his part in my total exhaustion, b/c of his health issues (some brought on by poor lifestyle choices and some by fate--I have cared for him for the last 13 years through health issues that wore me out)….and now I am sick and he is really struggling to do the right thing.)
I am treating and I will be fine. But I am to protect MYSELF from stress and negativity. DH can help or not.
You've got a place for mom and dad. Do what you can to make this place as comfortable as you can and then pass the daily worries onto those who will be paid to care for your folks.
Yes, they will be sad, and perhaps angry. But try to let that roll off your back. You MUST care for yourself. It is very true that the caregivers often pass before the cared-for--and that just seems so unfair...don't let yourself become a statistic.
{{Hugs}}}
We're all just trying to do the best we can.
Thank you for your kind words... I am overwhelmed with your kindness, and everyone who has commented.
Please take good care of yourself, and God bless you.
Thank you, so much for the gentle reality check. You are right; we have come to the point where there are no other options. They will be in the same room, and I pray the facility is nice, and the staff is as well.
The distance is still daunting, but there were no other choices clues to me.
Thank you for your words of support and wisdom.
The best of luck on your upcoming tests. You have to do this mI’ve. You have no choice.
Let us know how things go.
edit: I totally agree with CM on the delay. It’s a tough situation.
Your choice of “ml’ve” made me tear up.
Thank you for your kindness.
I know you are right.... I can’t do it anymore. But I fight so much with his I was raised, and my expectations of how I should be able to push through and continue on.
I am discouraged by my frailty.
I know this is right; I just pray it’s a good situation.
Thank you. I pray so. They are my only family besides my son.
my dad is a retired pastor. He has seen a lot of yucky stuff in facilities, but he also saw the wear and tear on family caregivers.
I’m so grateful for your kindness.
You are definitely enough. Caring for 2 parents is beyond my comprehension. Wow! You are helping them move into the next stage, and they may react, but will be helped by people who have done this many times. I am glad for you that you can now take care of you. (((BIG HUGS)))
This facility is 2 hours away, and I am trying to pray that the drive will not be hard on my body. At this point, it’s all I can do.
The facilities clues to me want 30 -50 thousand to just enter, and the facilities, all but one who is trying to get accreditation for LTC, are poor
ones. I’m just praying today will go well.
I just don’t have any other options.