My husband and I are taking care of my 93 year old mother in law. She still lives in her own home but requires a lot of time from us, especially from my husband. Part of the problem I have is that she will not coorperate with us. She still insists she can drive, even though she had an accident earlier this year and her insurance rates have increased $1000 (not to mention that she is no longer safe). My husband has been talking to her almost daily about giving up driving, sometimes she agrees, other times it's like she's a little girl with a "you can't tell me what to do" attitude. She has that attitude a lot, it seems to be part of her basic personality. She seems to have no concept of time, and calls us at all hours of the day/night about nonsense things. She will not consider a hearing aid, in home care, meals-on-wheels, nothing that would help her and give us a bit of a break. We finally got her to agree to a Life Alert, but she does not wear it much. And she is becoming more confused and refuses to listen. So she repeats the same thing over and over, asking the same questions as if she's fixating on a subject (like driving). Plus she is so miserable, lonely and depressed because everyone she knows is already gone. I feel really bad and selfish about the way I feel, but I know it could get a lot worse which adds to my anxiety. I really feel this is affecting my health and I keep thinking I will never get this time back. Maybe it's because she is not my mom, but I am not feeling the reward and love that is sometimes described here. I'm just wondering what fellow caregives do with feelings like mine and if there are any suggestions on how to get over them.
Otherwise, hang in there, at 93 it is very likely has will have an event that will require hospitalization. Start socializing the ALF or NH idea with your husband, so you are ready when the time comes, the easiest way to move a senior is after a hospital stay, when doctors and social workers are supporting the facility option. Do not take her to your home.
You really can't tell your husband not to take care of his frail and needy mother, it would just not work, but, you can set your boundaries as to what you are willing to do.
Good luck
L
I do wonder if it is safe for her to stay by herself. 93 is pretty old to be living alone even if someone is mentally healthy. Is there a senior community that you think she would do well in? If she had some friends her own age she may not call you as much and she would have people to help look out for her. Many elders do not want to change the things in their lives as they get older, but sometimes it just isn't working anymore. There has to be something better for her.
I know it's frustrating to be taking care of someone in that condition, even more so that she's not your mother. Heck, I felt like that sometimes when I was helping out with the care of my grandparents. They lived with us. I kept thinking my dad's still alive so why do I have to worry about all of that?
At the end of the day though, they're family. We eventually talked about it and had a system set up so everyone knows what they're supposed to be doing and when. That way, we all still get a little time to ourselves. I called those moments my "sanity break." Perhaps talking to the hubby and setting up boundaries like Ismiami suggested will help?
I really hope you find time for yourself.
Hugs,
G
1. Your mother in law is 93. The way she's carrying on, this situation can't last for long…
2. Take your eyes off your mil and watch out for your husband. Helping him to cope with her will a) be more productive and b) come to you more naturally.
3. Don't expect to be able to solve all the problems, especially not with an undo-operative subject…
4. Do detach, and don't feel guilty about it. She's not your mother, there's a limit to how much you can really love her.
5. Cuddle your husband a lot, then help him with whatever tasks he decides need taking on.
6. When you're dealing with her one on one, be kind but stay sensible. Sulks, tantrums, even pink fits might be distressing for all concerned; but in the end she can't hurt you, and she's a human being who does need help.
With any luck, you'll be able to look back on this phase - and hold tight, it will be a phase - as one when you were a pillar of strength for your husband instead of a doormat for your mother in law. I wish you all good luck x
She is struggling herself with loosing her memory and independence and she needs all the support you can give.
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