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so she thinks she has bathed in the morning but she's been dirty for 3 days straight. We can't force her since she's almost 90. She remembers EVERYTHING else she is supposed to do. She can't control her peeing as she has bladder problems.
She is told to wear dipers but she doesn't do that either. She says she has but doesn't let us check. We can manage cleaning up after her but the smell of clothes stained from pee for 3 days spreads through the house. and we have to give her injections on her upper inner thigh everyday and that area STINKS.
She wets the cushioned chairs too, sometimes. She is a very stubborn lady and if we are too harsh she will start crying and that's the end of conversation. I am 15 and she doesn't take me seriously. If my mom says anything she gets offended and angry.

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as we age the sensation we feel on our skin is different than that when we are younger. my father in a NH now has been changed from getting a "so called shower" to being bathed in bed. he didn't like the water hitting his skin and was getting really agitated, so the one nurse suggested he be given bed bathes, so I notified the head people and said he was getting to upset/agitated so now he gets bed baths. maybe this is why (in addition to the memory) that she doesn't like getting bath/showers. their skin gets thinner and more easily irritated.
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Everyone seems to have done a really good job of addressing the pee, but the sweat part is still another component. Obviously the woman needs to take a bath. How to accomplish this is the conundrum. Personality has a lot to do with how to get someone to co-operate. If she is stubborn and pig-headed, nothing can force her into bathing. Perhaps if she is more compliant, she could be bribed into taking a bath, much like bribing a young child with a reward. In any cast take the dirty clothing away every night when she goes to bed and replace it with clean from the skin out clothes - including depends instead of panties. That could help some - that's if she will wear them.
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Taking away all the panties and replacing them with depends doesn't always work. My MIL was so stubborn about not wearing them, she just went naked on the bottom. I kid you not. And she had severe Crohns. I had to shampoo carpets every day. :P
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To Xmart:
What a great idea for the wipes-warmer! I wish I had thought of that when my mom needed wipes. Thank you for the great input.
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You're an inspiration, And you mother did excellent job as mother raises you as daughter moreover she is bless to have you as daughter. God bless your grandmama :)
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First of all, it's great to know there are young people like you that are willing to help with elderly loved ones. Next, may I suggest that if you could go shopping with her and look at all the great adult depends, pull-ups, etc. that are available, maybe she would be willing to try especially when it would help her not to be so embarrassed about things, and that would help you and your family by making it easier to help her stay comfortable and clean. Maybe she would feel better about herself. It's not easy. My mom didn't want to wear them at first, but when she finally started wearing them, she was like a different person. She wasn't afraid to go out to different places after that and it was easier for her to take care of herself at least for a while until she got really sick and couldn't do for herself anymore. Keep on doing things for her and you will have no regrets when the time comes for her to either go to a nursing facility or she passes. Just want you to know that there are a lot of helpful people out there if you need to ask for help again. God bless you and your family.
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Hospital pads (hospice provided some blue plastic side for resistance and white side for absorption) we used on the bed and chairs under mom. Check in child care section to see if you can find a "wipes-warmer". Sandis
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I really disagree with TNovax about nursing home care. If Grandma is not a danger to herself or to others, nursing home care would be such a blow to her quality of life. Elders want to be with their families. It's like being sent to prison or to an asylum for the crime of getting old. She could get the same quality of care at home for much less money with some of the programs that are available almost everywhere. We, as a society tend to farm out or hide anything that is uncomfortable for us to deal with. I applaud everyone who helps their elders to live life fully integrated with their family. As long as the mind is mostly intact, and there are no major health problems, old age itself is not a disease that has to be institutionalized. My mother 103 lives at home with me and my family. I'm not trying to be judgmental, and understand that often this is not possible, but these elders are human beings. I think to myself - how would I like to have my home taken away, see my family only for brief periods and be forced to follow a stringent regimen of a nursing home. How would it be for me to have to share a room with a complete stranger. How would I like having my clothes washed in a community situation in which I might not get mine back and would get someone else's clothes instead. I certainly would prefer death.
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At 90 and suffering these problems, she needs nursing home care. I am sure grandma is embarrassed and feels ashamed to ask others to take care of such personal things for her. Do the right thing so she can get the proper and kind care of a nursing home. It isn't easy, but certainly shoulds like what is needed for the sake of the entire family, especially grandma herself. God Bless.
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Possibly you could make a big calendar on the wall and put a big red X on the shower days. They like to know a schedule and what to look forward to. I got a bedside commode, and every morning I dress her as she sits on the commode. That makes it easy to sponge-bath her at the same time. She used to insist on dressing sitting on the side of the bed. But I convinced her that it saved my back if she would sit on the commode. (So now I can bathe her without getting the bed wet.) A spongebath is a lot easier for her than the effort of getting in the shower. And I make it nice with warm water, and soft towels and lotion or massage oil afterward. We only shower her twice a week. For your laundry -- pour some vinegar into the wash water. It gets the smell out. I know! there is nothing worse than the smell of old pee! You have to wash it as soon as you can. There are disposable "chucks" which would help protect the chairs and bed. A hospital bed is a great help. There are also washable vinyl pads with velour on top that protect the chairs and look just like a regular chair pad. Say "c'mon Grandma, you helped me when I was little, now it's time for me to help you!" Also -- it would be a good idea to get a doctor to take a pee sample. She probably has a UTI Urinary Tract Infection. That makes the pee smell even worse, and probably contributes to her incontinence. She is lucky to have you.
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...I wore one with my mum and actually peed in it! OMG, you can only really empathise if you have done that! Felt so hideous and yukky, and my poor mum had to wear the damn things all the time. She said I did not have to, but I wanted too so she would know I really did know how she felt.
I tell you what, I'm doing my pelvic floor exercises every day now! (I'd forgotten to do them for years, but that was a huge reality check!)

Although my mum thought I was nuts, she laughed and did appreciate it.

If your nan is forgetting, rather than deliberately refusing to wear them, then she needs home carers to come in to help when you and your mum aren't there.
They can bathe her too. Your nan would probably prefer that to her daughter and grandaughter.. May be a pride thing.
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I think that you and your family are awesome to care for her. It is not going to get easier, so prepare for that. It is sad to know that the mind dwindles and the memories are lost. At the same time, elders do become more stubborn and in denial. It is a way of fighting the loss of control of body and mind. Maybe she has become afraid of falling in the tub/shower and a hospital bath would be more to her liking. You can also purchase feminine wipes or toilet wipes so that she can clean herself on her own. (you may be able to ask the Dr. for a prescription for those to lessen the cost too). Be persistent about the diapers. Maybe wear one around the house with her (tell her you are having problems in that area yourself.. Anything to help Grandma along. She IS worth it!). I wish you the best and God Bless You and Yours!
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My grandmother would rinse and reuse her "special" panties; not a good thing. But that is how she grew up, and throwing things out was not how she did things. However, I would suggest getting rid of any other options to force the new panties. Getting her to change them could be a new issue (tell her you have to wash them and then throw them out). Get some good wipes and have her use them to clean herself up. Check out the local hospital / medical supply store for cleansing options also. They are there with all kinds of supplies for us to use; see if her insurance will cover purchasing any of these items. Be creative in your approach and seek your doctor's or hospital social worker's help if needed. Good luck
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Can your grandma get in and out of a tub, or is the shower her only option. My mother would love to be able to take a tub bath, but can't get out once she gets in. If granny is nimble enough to get out of the tub, get her some nice bath salts as Midkid suggested. Give it as a gift and don't try to coax her to try it. Let her know that you got some for yourself and it made your skin feel really good or something of that sort.
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we also do the calendar but make her write in shower or hair wash so she can see she wrote it so she believes no one is lying to her about how long its been
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Great answer I2Understand...
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Hi, I started taking care of my family about your age. First thing your stressed so I going to give you a few ideas that I hope make your life easier. first remove the cushions and get plastic bag and put the foam part in the bags in tape it then put the cover back on it she will never know. Your grandmother may be willing to a pad so get your pad packaging and put depend pad in it. The smell in the clothe when you wash them use 1 cup baking soda with your soap. Make a no rinse bath you can just spray on in leave. my mix was 1 tsp oil , 18 drop of grapefruit seed exact, 1 tbs baby soap, 2 tsp lavender oil in a spray bottle then add 3 cups of warm water. Your great for what you have done but don't make this your life it is hard to watch a loved dying at your age. Harder when your the one caring for them. please keep in mind that you are doing your best and remember to be the best kid too. Talk to your family when you get to stressed even if they are stressed too. They will want to know how your feeling. Good luck to you.
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If the wetting issue is not making it to the bathroom in time, or more leakage than volume, one thing that may be more accepted than "diapers" is nice-looking, well-fitting stretchy briefs and some sort of flat pad or panty-liner (experiment with styles and sizes; I like the longest "always" liner or something similar) but use three at a time--two in a vee front to back, and the third one in the center toward the back. Maybe a fourth one in front if required--or even more. Change them ias necessary at each toileting; often you only have to replace the center one. This way they still have normal panties to wear, and they don't feel like they're sitting on a lump. And of course good wipes or washcloths--there are skin cleaners that don't have soap for bed patients--every time as necessary. Make a wipe or washcloth at face, underarms and other skin folds and a good powder part of the morning dressing routine. Have several similar sets of day clothes so it isn't obvious that they're replaced as often as needed. And a hand-held shower gizmo is great! Not all skin areas need to be washed every day; and it's better for tender skin to not be dried out repeatedly. Make a routine without making a big production out of it.
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HelpingMom82 - we keep a calendar in the bathroom. We take turns showering. In other words, I shower every other day. We keep this info on the calendar. AND, there have actually been times when we've gone to the calendar to look. Have Grandma put an x or watch you put an x or something like her weight on that day. Make sure the calendar has big spaces so they can see what was written.
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You sound like a very loving, dedicated granddaughter, older mentally than your biological years. Bless your heart for stepping into a very difficult situation. I am an adult caring for my husband, who has dementia, and I can only imagine how difficult it has to be for a young person such as yourself. I do have a suggestion or two.

Tell your grandma that you want her to smell like a rose. That will cause her ears to perk up. Get a washcloth all ready for her, with warm water and soap, and tell her you'll stand by while she washes her privates and you will help her if she wishes you to. Give her that option. If she seems confused at any time, just help her out.

After she is all washed and rinsed and dried down there, show her that you bought ("just for you, grandma") Johnson's baby powder. Tell her "Look, grandma, I'm sprinkling this wonderful, nice-smelling powder on your panties" (be sure to refer to Depends or whatever as "panties") and then hand them to her to put on. If she acts confused, help her slip them on.

Then say, "Oh, grandma, you have no idea how wonderful you smell!!!" Believe me, she will love it. People with dementia LOVE compliments about how they look and how they smell.

As for her bathing, don't ever feel that you have to make a big deal out of it. You can bathe her in bits and pieces. I sponge bathe my husband's torso one day, dry him off, powder his torso, fresh clothes, and that's it. The next day, while he is sitting watching TV, I bring a pan of comfortably warm water, put his feet in it and proceed to bathe him from his upper thighs down to his legs, and feet. After I have thoroughly dried him, I powder between his toes, massage his feet with foot cream, clean socks, and VOILA! If he needs his toenails trimmed, I do that, too.

If you do your grandma in bits and pieces, it is not a chore for you and not at all intimidating for your grandma. Good luck!
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What a brave young lady you are taking on the life of caregiver. Most of us here are older and dealing with many of the same issues. You are an inspiration and a blessing to your grandma.
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Great advice here. I set rules for my Dad like he cannot get in my car if he is wet or poopy. I am matter of fact and don't let him argue with me. I lead him by the hand and tell him we are cleaning up first and going from there. Easier said than done. You cannot reason with her, it only leaves everyone frustrated. I'd put covers on the chairs, waterproof pad on bed etc. When my Mom was alive, she had dementia and was terrified of the shower. She was in a nursing home, so we had her switched to sponge baths. I know it's hard, but it has to be done.
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As my Mom got older, she stopped taking a bath regularly, too.
When she broke her hip, she stopped taking a bath, due to mobility issues.
Her insurance covered a home care service for a couple of months.
The occupational therapist recommended getting a transfer bench to help her get in and out of the tub, which helped tremendously.
They also supplied someone who would come and give her a bath twice a week.
You may want to look into these bath services in your area.
They are well trained and know exactly what to do.
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Maybe remove underwear from her drawer and replace only with the new depends or diapers that look like underwear. She will yell and be unhappy, but eventually get used to it.

As for the chairs and furnishings, maybe mom or you can make a special cushion that you put a waterproof cover on. Then make a custom cover that slips over it. Tell grandma its a special cushion for her to keep her comfy and prevent bedsores and "that you made it special"...encourage her to use it wherever she is seated. That's what we did for my FIL.

As for the bathing...BRIBE! "Grandma, if you take your bath this morning, we will go out for a donut", ...McDonalds, ice cream". Etc.
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When you yell at her & she cries, it is a form of manipulation. She doesn't want to hear it & she knows the only way to make you stop yelling at her is to cry & throw a big guilt trip on you. Since she is that stubborn, you're going to have to yell at her & stop feeling guilty when she cries. Despite the fact that she gets offended and angry if something is said to her, it must be said to her continuously. She needs to know that the horrible smell of urine is offending you!!!

Even though she is 90, you CAN force her. When she in bed, go into her room & take her clothes away to wash them. When you give her the injection, expose more to see if she is wearing adult diapers. This is the very worst thing for an elderly person to have to go through----the loss of bladder & bowel function. It is humiliating & strips that person of their dignity. But, she must acknowledge it & not be in denial about it, pretending that it doesn't exist.

Stress to her that you're trying to help her, not hurt her. Over time, urine that is not cleaned up will start to excoriate her skin, causing an open route for infection.
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OMGosh I don't know how you all do it. When my mother started losing control of her bladder and bowels that did it for me, and on the white carpet no less. I could not take the stench and cleaning up after an adult like that. I loved my mom but I guess not enough to be able to do that. She went right over to a home after a couple of episodes of that. I think that may have hastened her death too, But I am not bent in that direction of work. I had come down with shingles and a twisted bowels as a result of the stress. Cleaning up after an adult is way worse in my opinion than a child. Bless you all for what you do.
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Maybe you can try to have a caregiver come in and give her a shower 3 times a week. This way, she does not have to be embarrassed by having the family take care of her in such a private way.
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Another thing to remember is failure to initiate isn't failure. It's very common for people with dementia to forget the steps of any process. So may not know even how to start the process something else to think about. Perhaps having someone there breaking down the steps.
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*forgot this--Mother LOVES new scented lotions and shampoos and body washes. Better than old soap and water..and she feels she being "fussed".
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Oh, you sweetheart! That's a big burden for you! I think all the advice given so far has been very helpful. The fact you are even "on board" with caring for your Gram is beautiful. My 15 yo niece is very involved in caring for my mother, who lives with her. She helps her to bathe, or just brings her warmed "bath in a package" wipes that hospitals use. She just chatters on about what's going on in her active life and Mother eats it up. She'll offer to do Mother's hair & often helps her off or on with her "diapers". A shower with a shower chair is often less frightening to an elderly person as they are not as likely to fall--hand her a warm, soapy washcloth so she can wash herself. Also, often the elsderly lose their sense of smell to a degree,, and if she lives with the smell--she's used to it. Bless you for caring! You are amazing!
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