I call my Mom every day, I see her every week, and every time my Mom complains to me about not having enough money, not being able to drive, not being able to go shopping, not being able to get her hair done when she wants, not having me come by as often, not being able to go food shopping. I have automated as much as I can for my Mom, food being delivered that I order online, prescriptions being mailed to her on a regular basis, I have set up accounts at a taxi service which she refused to use, I go over and take her out once a week, and no matter what I do, not matter how much I help her, not matter how much I listen and make suggestions like taking the taxi, taking the senior shuttle etc she goes on and on and on, it gives me anxiety and I always wind up feeling guilty that I never do enough for her. My Mom is 82, a widow, lives in her own house still, has a really hard time walking, just recovered from breast cancer and cannot drive. I feel guilty if I do not call her everyday to check on her, how do I personally handle this? I always feel so down after talking to her!
Mom messes with the buttons on the telephone, tv remote, timer on her lights. Then she complainns that nothing is working. She can't figure out that she messed them up. Yesterday she accused me of leaving the tv on overnight. (I live 8 hours away from her.)
I do have a dated hournal, seriously. I write about my conversations with Mom, sometimes usling a lot of quotations. I make notes of her appointments and the many frustrations she encounters because she is too stubborn to accept any help at all. She gets angry with me, livid, actually, when I suggest she is having any difficulty,
Celinepen, you are doing the best you can. Don't beat yoursel up (I should listen to my own words). Do you have someone who could impose upon to substitute for your daily call once in a while? I have done that. Yes, I feel guilty, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary for my own mental health.
I'll remind both us us here about something I read in another post. It's the disease which is to blame, not our loved ones. They can't help what dementia is doing to them and neither can we. But we CAN remind ourselves that we do all of this out of love for the parent who put up with all of our antics when we were growing. My Mom is like a two year old some times. Makes me wonder what I was like at that age? Maybe this is payback. lol
Do something good for yourself, guard your heart as much as you can. We have a long road ahead and it won't get any easier.
Thanks to naheaton too for those reminders, I tried not calling her everyday but somehow she worked it in to making me feel guilty for not calling! lol!! Gotta laugh at this stuff. So maybe I will skip a day here and there and just say I was busy, and she can always call me, I think that is funny how parents of that generation will not pick up a phone!
Thanks for listening and letting me vent and for the great advice, I go away feeling better about it all and I am grateful!!!
What you're saying though, with your mom, sound more like entitlement and guilting than gratitude. She should be grateful you are showing up and doing all those things for her. Don't let guilt you to the point where you're not doing things you need to do!
I say that one knowing I need to hear it as well. Just figuring out this caregiving thing, I'm an only child and quite frankly, I hate this but I am stuck. And that' s the reality of it. It's getting better though.
sometimes you have to take a break and a stand for yourself. He has lived his life, and I am trying to live mine. Unfortunately, his self-abuse to his body, is the main cause for his liver and kidney damage. I realize that it is not my fault he drank too much and still insisted on doing so up until recently.
If only they would have planned ahead and moved into a really nice retirement village that offers free transportation.... then I wouldn't hear complaints about groceries, I too hear about the cost of today's groceries, and sorry Mom I am not going across town to use a 35 cent coupon....
then I wouldn't hear complaints about Dad needing to go the barber, I think my Dad wants to go even if he doesn't want a haircut just to get out of the house....
then I would need to hear about Dad wanting to go to the hardware store because he has a long list of things he wants, only to buy a package of light bulbs after spending 2 hours in the store....
I do call my parents every day unless I had dropped off groceries or other important items, but the conversation is mainly how is the weather.... if they had moved to the retirement village they would have made a lot of new friends, thus have something new to talk about.
I don't know what my parents were thinking once they had to stop driving. I asked Dad what would he and Mom do if something happened to me and I couldn't be there to drive.... ah, they never thought about that.... well, Dad, start thinking.
Most of the time, she just needs to let out negative emotion and I happen to be the only child. So it works out quit well.
See, your mom doesn't have much to talk about, does she? Her life has become very narrow and focused. Unfortunately, she focuses on the only thing she has left: her little self.
And you, being the wonderful daughter you are, you call mom every day to check in with her AND bear the brunt of her tiny little life. *shrug*
Hopefully, you can find a way not to take it personally. Easier said than done, yes? But if you keep remembering that she doesn't have anything else to talk about....she can't talk about things she's done because she hasn't done anything...she can only talk about the things she CAN'T do...maybe you can excuse her and, when you get off the phone, give yourself a HUGE pat on the back for brightening her day. And, yes, it does brighten it. Believe me, it does.
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