Has anyone cut all contact with aging parents? My 93 year old mom has diagnosed borderline personality disorder & my father has always catered to her crazy behavior. I’ve been the scapegoat kid & my 62 year old brother the golden child. In life, it’s been the opposite. Have done better educationally & financially.
Have been with my parents 2 days a week to help with shopping & dr’s visits. It was 4 days a week for 3 years due to various serious health issues. They are better for now & can manage fairly well. I also cut back because my mom was impossible to be with. Her verbal abuse is horrible.
My home is 40 miles away & my brother 10 miles. He makes every excuse not to help. He has the summer off as a teacher. My mom is fine with his excuses. He stops by for Sunday dinner 2 hrs a week. Mom cooks & he does not even wash his own dishes.
My dad is part owner of some valuable land along with the family of his late brother (two male cousins). I was promised 25% of it all my life once my dad passes.
I am here with my parents now. Last night I found out my brother and cousins have talked my father & mother into cutting me out. My crime? Not being with them full-time, cutting back to 2 days a week & not helping my mom cook Sunday dinner to serve my brother.
Am outraged. I want nothing to do with them anymore. Tired of the double-standard, tired of my brother’s corrosive envy, tired of my mother’s nasty abuse, & tired of my dad’s implicit acceptance of me being crazy mom’s whipping post.
Has anyone simply left never to return? I plan on leaving tomorrow & telling my mom never to call me again.
I feel like a stupid chump for being used & fooled.
Live without the craziness. Your mental health will improve, I promise.
Manipulative parents often use inheritances to manipulate.
I am here with my parents now. Last night I found out my brother and cousins have talked my father & mother into cutting me out. My crime? Not being with them full-time, cutting back to 2 days a week & not helping my mom cook Sunday dinner to serve my brother.
Am outraged. I want nothing to do with them anymore. Tired of the double-standard, tired of my brother’s corrosive envy, tired of my mother’s nasty abuse, & tired of my dad’s implicit acceptance of me being crazy mom’s whipping post."
Was it a verbal promise, or actually in a written will? Who told you your brother and cousins have talked your parents into cutting you out of the 25% inheritance of that land?
You posted back in September 2019: "Every week, I drive and help my parents grocery/Walmart shopping, drive them to the bank, take them to doctor appointments and sit in with the doctor & the parent so I understand their care needs, clean around the house, take them on little drives around the area so they don't get cabin fever, etc.
I have asked my brother to help. He says he will but never shows up. I've asked him kindly to meet with me go to discuss future care and any documents which need to be gone over for parents care. He puts it off.
He needs money from the inheritance. I don't. I do it out of concern but am totally burned out. I can't take care of two elderly people and do my own life.
If he has total POA, then I'm not sticking around. It's really unfair to not be told things. I feel used. "
You've continued to put up with the situation for an additional 8 1/2 months now. If things haven't gotten any better, then it really is okay to cut off contact. Look at it this way -- you have had the burden of parental caregiving for a long time now...they are over 90 years old.
As a daughter with three brothers, my time was also considered worthless (as apparently your parents consider yours). I was very resentful. I ended up being paid by one of the POA brothers (I was not made a POA, even though I was the only local sibling.) And I was given back pay, also. It made me treat the caregiving as a job, and removed a lot of the emotional stuff.
You are right that as a teacher he has plenty of time off to help your parents. He's making excuses that he's so busy, and your parents are falling for it. One of my three brothers was like this -- he was so "busy" that he couldn't see my mother for 23 months...and he was only a few states away!
Please update us as to what you decide. Just one suggestion -- when you say goodbye for good, please tell your parents exactly why.
They can't use you unless you allow yourself to be used
Don't let them bully you over an inheiritance.
I'm guessing you're female and they're just trying to impose old sexist beliefs on you.
When you leave today tell them you are no longer able to continue with the two days a week. It is too much for you and you don't appreciate being treated like unpaid help. The removal from the land shows you how much they value you. Not that this is about inheritance, no one is entitled...but to remove you as punishment for not doing more when you are already doing more than enough is just cold. Walk away and have a good life.
Thanks for your good wishes. I appreciate it.
My cousin called my dad and I overheard them talking about it for a minute. I felt it suspicious. I left and returned after the phone call to ask what was going on. My dad told me.
I don’t follow movies, but my brother made it a point a few times he was going to see Knives Out and said he had seen it a few times. He’s a movie junkie & never mentions movies by name he plans to see. I just read the synopsis. This is very weird of him to mention this.
Wow, another reason to walk away. Your parents choose to not take an iota of care to make sure their estate and their person can be managed easily. This is a kindness not just to themselves but to their children. To me, for your parents to refuse to get a POA so an agent (you or your brother) can handle their affairs means they either can handle it all themselves or force either of you to go through extreme hassle and expense to get guardianship.
Walk away.
I have tried a few times in the past when I felt very upset. He promises to talk to my brother, control mom, etc. Nothing happens. I remind him & he doesn’t recall it.
He doesn’t have dementia. He’s afraid of going against my mother’s wishes.
My problem is that it let’s off steam talking to him. I would get sucked back in to caregiving. I’ve gained the strength to finally get off the merry-go-round.
AMEN
If this is the thank you that you are receiving for all you have done then no one in their right mind will hold it against you.
Be sure and tell daddy dearest that HIS actions did this, so stuff the FOG poopie. Oops, I meant poppie, but I am going to leave the typo, it fits the situation 😁.
You are not a stupid chump - bad people just happen to be very good at hurting others.
How was it decided originally that your cousins, your brother and you would inherit it in equal portions? Did your grandparents set that up in their wills?
What is the plan for the valuable property? If you get your share, how will you get your value out of it?
BPD is so challenging and I cannot imagine being raise by someone with it and dealing with it into your 60's.
You do not owe Mum or Dad any of your time. I would sit down with Dad and let him know that due to the lack of respect from him, Mum and your brother for your time, that you can no longer provide any support. Let him know that cutting you out of the Will was the last straw. Document the meeting by recording audio, you may need it if your brother calls APS or when they die and the you have to contest the Will.
Also keep records of your brother's comments out Knives Out, it is a funny movie a bit of a spoof on Agatha Christie type Mysteries. The gist of the movie is an Author has propped up all his family for years and cuts them all out of the Will. A reversal of your situation, where you are propping up your parents with no support from anyone.
It’s not gutless, but smart. Am not out to burn bridges, but current situation is unbearable. He knows the truth; no need for me to repeat it.
A large burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I don’t plan to return for a long time.
You have to take care of yourself, and you can only deal with so much. Leave, but don't tell your mom to never call again. Leave yourself and them some space. Cut back or just don't go, for now.
If you feel like going in the future, you can. Your brother is the stupid chump and you know that. All you can say to yourself is that you did the right thing, and you know it. I think they all know it too.
Forget the 25% and just walk away. It's not worth it. This scenario with your parents and brother will only get worse. You deserve a life free of abuse. Especially during the best years of your life. They will find other means without you. You don't think so now, but they will. You deserve better. You matter.
As a mental health professional and someone who has been through the experience of losing a loved one and then having to deal with a contested estate, I recommend you step away even if only for a little while. How much longer can you deal with all you are dealing with? It is great that you provide care for them despite how they treat you but remember there is a saying that you can't pour from an empty cup. You need to take care of you.
So overall you don't need the money, they are already plotting against you and Dad is too gutless (sorry but true) to stop the situation.
You COULD end up getting a LITTLE more money but it would be at the cost of your sanity and health. I say let them fight their petty squabbles and you just TAKE CARE OF YOU.
You have a right to your outrage. Before cutting and running, though, you might want to consider if the guilt you'll feel later on might be worse than the outrage you feel now. Is there a moderate solution? E.g., an arbitrator you can trust to explain your position and feelings fully and see if your family members can be more understanding? If it were me, I wouldn't trust myself to be able to make that argument; I'd end up screaming and storming out. But maybe an objective voice (a non-relative!) would be more successful. Even if you separated for a while and then were able to write a detailed, dispassionate explanation, you'd be giving arbitration a chance.
It might not work. However, *then* if you cut and run you'll know you did everything possible to find a solution, which will help with the guilt if it descends. It seems to me that the optimal solution is for you to stay in your family's lives but in a position of increased respect and power. You might owe it to yourself to try.
All said, if you need to leave, do it. You're exploding now because of years of abuse. Each of us can take only so much.