For several years now, I’ve thought that AL would be good for my mother. I waited until she was really ready and for her to initiate the move, which she has. She is 98 and she is moving in November. She and I are in the process of weeding out the things she will or will not take, and she is becoming overwhelmed. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but she is getting so upset to the point that she is crying that it’s too hard for her. I’ve told her that is why I am here to help but then she cries that she feels guilty for putting me through this. It IS a lot of work, but I could do it quicker if she wouldn’t micromanage everything. She has way too much stuff that she won’t part with. I finally said, look, store the stuff that doesn’t fit or you won’t wear (but she can’t bear to get rid off) in a suitcase and you can leave it here. She has tons of paperwork that she wants to keep also. I don’t have the room either, to store all her stuff but I can’t deal with her crying over it. She has always been such a strong person, so this crying makes me think she won’t survive this move.
I guess my question is. Am I doing the right thing? I don’t want this move to kill her. I even said to her - Mom, would you rather just forget it and stay here? She says no, I have to get out so you can get your life back. She has lived with my husband and me for 20+ years and I am 70 years old now.
I understand how traumatic this is, but if she would just sit back and let me do the hard work it would be much easier on both of us. She has always been the type to make a mountain out of a mole hill. And unfortunately I am the complete opposite of her. Her mobility is bad also, so that makes it harder for her to do stuff also.
You are doing the right thing and she wants to go too. Your mom is grieving the loss of the life she had, which is represented by all the things you’re combing through. I don’t think either of you expected this to be so difficult. Her crying is pretty understandable but it’s distressing to you because you want to get the show on the road.
Try asking her what are the most important items that she wants to bring with her. Asking her what to keep and what to get rid of is adding to a sense of loss and is harder on her decision making—it can add pressure when she’s already grieving very deeply. Can you move her into AL now with her furniture and things she wants to keep? Being in AL will be a new environment and the loss of things may be buffered. Then you can bring over things that she parted with even though she didn’t want to.
You are flat out wrong to tell the OP that her mother will surely decline and get substandard care in AL.
Maybe you should volunteer to look after the mom, since OP has surely sentenced her to death. She could live
on the farm, even!
We moved her closer to us which was 40 miles away. We consulted with her but it was too overwhelming to do with her. We would get home at 2:30 in the morning absolutely exhausted and mad she was putting us through this. It took us 6 months to clear out her 1 bedroom apartment. My husband and I are both only children.
If she will agree to let you do more on your own it might be easier. It is very difficult. We had to throw alot away but we moved alot and tried to get her what she wanted. You are at least fortunate she is agreeable to enter AL. Neither my mother or MIL really were but simply had to as they had gone so far downhill. It is also beneficial that she realizes you need your life back. I wish you strength.
A hoarding therapist can walk her through the elimination process and give her the gift of freedom. Do an Internet search for hoarding therapists near her home.
While she's busy with her new friends, you can plan your next vacation!
Your mother is very blessed to have you both the past 20 years and, to this very day.
There is no set definite way to make this move less stressful.
Maybe set aside just the items most important to take and, insist that nothing else be dealt with at this time assuring her that you and she will decide on the rest later may help. And, perhaps consider telling her the rest should just stay there in her room for now when she may visit.
You are doing a good job....kudos to you. The emotional challenge for you both is normal. Take some breaks, be kind to yourself.
My dad, bless his heart, realized pretty late in the game that he and my mom were leaving me with an enormous task of clearing house their house someday, so he started trying to do some of it himself. He wasn't crying or suffering horribly, but he wanted to find just the right person for every single thing. He wanted someone to cherish those items as they had, and it simply wasn't possible.
They had more than 50 years' worth of stuff in that house, so I finally told him to enjoy his things and I'd deal with it all "later" (code word for "when you and Mom are gone and won't care"). Just me telling him that I was OK with clearing out the house took a huge weight off his shoulders and saved him from having to make so many decisions.
Maybe try taking that approach with your mom. Just tell her you'll deal with everything "later," and drop the subject. I know you want it all out of your house, but if it's been in there for 20 years, you know you have the space for it, at least temporarily, and you can sit on it for a couple of months and then start the Great Purge. She'll likely have asked for everything she's going to ask for in those first couple of months, and then you'll be free to get rid of the rest.
After holding an estate sale at my parents' house last May, I had a hauling company come in and take the rest. They have a big warehouse where they kept the good stuff for their own sales (fine with me), so their price to haul wasn't really that bad -- $1600 for an entire house, garage and yard full of stuff. It took them almost three days to empty that house, so you can imagine how much there was in there. There was absolutely no way my dad could have made even a slight dent in it.
We all hate the thought of using subterfuge, even when we truly want only to help, but if our intentions are right and loving, doing so can work out for the best.
My mother was married in 1942 and kept every bill receipt and cancelled check from then until my father died in 1982. I mean EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY ONE.
Your mother is making a positive choice about going into an AL, and her decision will benefit all of you. You may find a renewed joy with visiting heron her own turf, while she enjoys a new type of independence.
Hoping this is a satisfying and pleasant decision for ALL!
All of her precious things she can't live without will NOT be moving with her, obviously. So pack up all the bare essentials and pull the band-aid off as quickly as possible now. DO NOT second guess yourself, either. Mom is not going to 'die' by moving into a hotel-like ALF, I guarantee it! Most seniors don't have 2 nickels to rub together, never mind the funds to finance a fancy lifestyle in an upscale building! She's fortunate, just like MY parents were, so everyone needs to count their blessings here, and that is the truth of the matter. Your mother was fortunate to have lived with you for as long as she did, and now it's time to move on to a new and exciting adventure. Amen.
Best of luck!
Mom was not a nick nack person so she didn't have any. I would not take anything worth any money. Nick Nacks get broken. Jewelry gets stolen. I would keep to the basics for now. I changed out Moms clothes according to season. Took the ones she wasn't using home and stored them in under the bed boxes and totes. The paperwork should stay at your house. Put the clothes that no longer fit aside. You can get rid of them when she is in AL. The paperwork, go thru it when she leaves. And if she has been living with you, why can u not store her stuff? She will not need a lot of clothes. My Mom wore slacks and tops everyday.
I am convinced the reason mom never wanted to 'think' about moving had to do with the volume of stuff in her house. It was quite easy for me to toss stuff. For her--not so much.