A month ago my Dad put my Mom in a memory care facility because he found caring for her while recovering from his own illness too much. Three days later she suffered a mild stroke which left her left side weak. She is walking again with her walker a bit, but needs assistance to get up and down, to the bathroom etc.
She has no short term memory (didn't before the stroke either) and was already having difficulty with self dressing, shower issues etc. before this. She no longer remembers a lot of their 63 years of marriage together either. She does always know family members but sometimes think we kids are her siblings. DAd though she always knows.
He lives next door in a Retirement apt. and visits twice daily. He feels very bad when she says she wants to go home. He knows he hasn't the strength to care for her but is not happy leaving her there. I do feel he overestimates her abilities with regard to her memory issues. He sees her functioning at a higher level than the other residents and able to carry on a conversation. Yes, sometimes she can carry on a bit of conversation but she won't remember it nor the person she had it with. I doubt she'll ever learn to recognize the caregivers who care for her daily.
How do I help Dad accept the change in living arrangements? They are both in their 90's. I don't live in town so can only come about once a month for a couple of days at a time.
I think that Dad being able to easily visit twice a day is more important that being in a more stimulating environment, if you could find one. Unless there is abuse or neglect, she is in the right place. Tell Dad that he is her social outlet and her stimulation, and his loving presence is important to her well-being.
Do you ever send your dad notes or cards in the mail? It would be nice for him to get one, maybe on Father's Day, that says, "Thank you so much, Dad, for taking such loving care of Mother for as long as you could, and for making the painful but loving decision to place her where she can get the basic care she needs. I am so glad that you are able to be with her each day. Your marriage continues to be an inspiration to me." Or something to that effect. Let him know in writing that you are proud of how strong he was to make such a hard decision.
I always said, and truly meant, that if my husband's care became more than I could handle I would place him where he could get the kind of care I couldn't provide. I talked to him about that, too. (He had dementia.) I always promised him that I would never abandon him, but I did not promise that I would always be able to keep him at home. As it happened for us, I was able to care for him until he died at home, with hospice care. I am so grateful that I never had to face that painful decision to place somewhere he could get care I couldn't provide. My heart truly goes out to your father. I know it would have taken me months to come to terms with the new situation if I'd had to do what your dad had to do.
Be patient with him, give him time, and plenty of reassurances that he did the right thing and you are proud of him for it.
I don't know if you can make this easier on him. I think all you can do is reassure him that he did the right thing, that his decision to put your mom into memory care was the right one and that it was done out of love. He knew she needed more care than he could provide and he made sure she got it and that is the most loving, devoted thing he could have done for her.
It's only been a month, he's still adjusting to the change. It will take a while. And at their age a change in the routine can be especially difficult. It wasn't an easy thing to do, I'm sure, but he'll get into a new routine, as will your mom, and this will become their new normal. There might even be a small part of him that he'll never discuss that is slightly relieved. Taking care of your mom at home was very challenging, I'm sure. Had he continued it could have and probably would have exacerbated his health problems in a very short amount of time. However hard it was for him, he did it for your mom and that's the most loving thing he could have ever done for her.
Just be there for your dad. Give him positive affirmations, reassure him that he did the right thing, tell him how much you respect what was probably the most difficult thing he's ever done and just love him to pieces.