We recently lost my FIL and now have my mother in-law living with my husband and I. My sister in-law moved her into our home 2 day's after my FIL death while my husband was still in a terrible state of grief. Basically dropped her off on our doorstep with a garbage bag of clothes (that don't fit her) so we can care for her. Fast forward two months we are now trying to figure out next steps. Due to Covid and lockdowns where we are the option for placing her in a LTC facility is off the table, we really don't want to expose her to anything. I have stepped up to care for her while she is with us, she has an amazing disposition and quite a joy to be with. That being said we still expect my sister in-law to step up and do her fair share of care as she is also POA. I presented the idea of having 6 weeks off this summer so that I can rest, take my 2 week vacation from work before getting back to caring for her full time. She basically said that her 3,000 sqft home was too hard to keep her in and it was not a good solution so we are back to figuring it out ourselves. She was recently in town for a week to gather contents from their home did not visit her mother and took off back home. Both my husband and I are not happy that we are stuck with trying to arrange care to get a break when we feel she should step up and figure it out. Is it wrong that I feel that her own daughter should be stepping up to help HER mother?? While I would never be the type of person to not help, I feel she is taking advantage of both my husband and I. She has been very difficult to deal with and we are thinking of getting mediation to help in our discussions before this tears the family apart.
If your SIL was not caregiving but is the PoA and your MIL is in her right mind or only has very mild cognitive/memory issues I'd take her to the attorney and have her reassign durable PoA to your husband so that he has the legal ability to actually help her. At that appointment I hope she will also complete her Living Will (Advance Care Directive) and her Last Will.
In the end no one can assume or insist or demand that any one person care for another, and your SIL certainly doesn't sound like she's capable of acting in your MIL's best interests. Once your husband has PoA then you can both move forward and not rely on the flaky sister or her "help" or opinions on the matter.
But if your MIL has enough cognitive decline that she can no longer create a new PoA, then that's a totally different answer, so it would be helpful to know what the facts are in your situation.
We often see comments on this site that the care providing family member should be the one with POA.
Now we do not know any of the back story. Perhaps POA had been providing care to both parents for quite some time and had reached the end of her tether. Perhaps her needs for respite were not being met? We have no idea.
OP, look into respite care for Mum for your summer break. Mum should pay for it out of her own funds.
You can't force your SIL to do the right thing but you can do what's right for YOU. Assisted Living is also a good option if your MIL has funds to private pay.
Good luck!
You certainly have the option of telling Sis that you charge $25/ hour for caregiving plus all of Mom's expenses, including rent, groceries, clothes and medications should be charged to Mom.
Sis is likely cleaning out the accounts, just so you know.
Mediation is expensive and only useful if both sides agree to go by the mediator's recommendations. We paid $4,000 to a mediator as required by the sales contract when we bought our house. The mediator came, heard everyone's side, made his recommendations, and the seller still said, "Yeah, that's not going to happen. Sue me." That was $4,000 down the toilet.
I'd get an attorney instead. Make Sis provide detailed accountings of the money she spends on Mom's behalf, complete with receipts. Beyond that, stop stressing out about making her help. She isn't going to, and there's no point in adding more stress to your life about it.
Also agree that looking at facilities shouldn’t be a real worry nowadays with over a year of practice at safe procedures and elders getting vaccinated.
Regardless of how or why the SIL did what she did, doing this doesn't make it right. MIL is not an unwanted "item" to be bandied about. She's not an unwanted "gift" that you can return. She is a person and should be treated as one, not chattel.
What SIL did was wrong, but as the saying goes, two wrongs don't make a right.
You can hire in home aide for MIL or charge for your services but that doesn't guarantee SIL will actually cut the check. I don't know where you live, but in my area, SNF, AL, MC were still admitting residents - I know Mom's AL facility would take in new people, only bad thing is they were locked down in their apartment for 14 days. They are now open for visitors after following the protocols. But again getting her into a facility will be difficult if daughter won't cooperate; unless MIL has access to her own accounts.
I also agree there is nothing you can do to make SIL take care of MIL, her "dumping" her at your door 2 days after FIL's funeral says it all. I'm sorry things are strained. Can you and hubby sit down list out needs and wants, have SIL do the same and sit and calmly discuss without a mediator. Otherwise mediation may be necessary.
I wish you and the family best of luck.
"I am looking after my MIL while working with some help from my husband. She has Alzheimer's/Dementia so she needs help with everything (bathing, eating, dressing, walking etc...)"
and:
"We have zero help and are on 24/7 and I am fearful of losing my job because of the attention during the day that I have to give my MIL"
This sounds pretty dire. "Some help" from your H? And she "needs help with everything"? Better put your foot down NOW before you lose your job!
Is your H of the opinion "no facility for Mama!"? Because if he is, then things are going to be a LOT more difficult, since you will have to change his mind. (And you might have to move out temporarily.)
You didn't have mission creep...seems you jumped right into fullscale operations on the MIL caregiving front! I am also curious about SIL, though...was she taking care of MIL before she dumped her on your doorstep?
Mom pays for the respite with her funds.
After the 2 weeks mom either stays for another 5 weeks or sister can come pick her up.
Placing mom in a facility would result in a quarantine for a time but mom (MIL) will be just fine.
The next thing you do IF you manage the vacation is you need to hire (again mom pays) caregivers that will come in and help care for her as well as do some of the tasks around the house to take a bit of the workload off you and your husband.
If the POA does not want to release the funds you might have to talk to a lawyer.
Many times a child will just use their parents money and take their things but try to put all the help and work for others to deal with.
My SIL and brother were so mean to me because I wouldn't (couldn't )take in my mom, that for 6 months I couldn't even go visit her. They said nothing to me about their assumptions and refused every offer of help from me which was so awful and left my poor mom wondering what happened to me. It was torture the few times I ventured to go. They were the ones who had offered to take her in after all. Their coldness was excruciating and obviously they thought that because I was the daughter I should have taken her. Never mind my circumstances.
6 mos. down the road things came to a head and we talked.
None of us wanted LTC so we finally agreed to put her in an adult home for a year(all she can afford) while Covid is still going because the adult home doesn't have the same regulations for visiting. Everyone is happy; my mom especially. Talk to you SIL before it is too late to mend things.
If she really won't talk to you then you need to find out what is right for you and it seems you are at your limit now. SIL had 4 hrs. help a day and was still resentful having MIL there. I'm sure my mom is happier without all the tension between families. She loves it where she is.
I wish you he best. There IS a solution.
I'm not saying the sister is evil, but her method leaves A lot to be desired.
In many families there is often one sibling who grows up as the family scapegoat taking the blame for everything. The one who is the lightening rod and catches all the anger, resentment, bitterness, the parents ever have. In families siblings don't all have the same experience growing up in the house. Many times there is abuse with one of them and the others don't even realize it's going on. In later adult years it's usually the abused sibling (almost always a daughter) who ends up taking the responsibility and being the caregiver to the abusive elderly parent.
I tell you from experience because I've been living it for years.
Please try talking to your SIL. Let her know without getting heated that both of you are upset and resentful of having the responsibility dropped into your laps without warning. At least get her to turn the POA over to you or your husband. Otherwise your hands will be tied and you won't be able to arrange care for mom or manage it. Please have a talk with your SIL.
If you've decided that you and your husband are going to keep mom at your home and be her caregivers, you have options.
If you want six weeks off this summer and want to go on vacation mom can be put into respite short-stay care in a nursing home or LTC. You can hire a live-in caregiver to take care of her for a few weeks in the home. Don't take the option of a nursing home or assisted living off the table. Talk to your SIL too. She very well might be willing to help out some if she knows that she will not have to have mom living with her. Good luck.
Imo as long as shes POA, any solution is at an impasse.
I think your choices are:
- mom is cognitive and competent to handle her own affairs and she does a new DPOA and name you or your hubs as her new one. This you get done at an elder law attys office and at the same time update any other legal that may need to be done.
- mom maybe not quite cognitive and competent to handle “executive functioning” totally on her own, so mom does a voluntary guardianship naming hubs or you to be her guardian
- mom isn’t competent or cognitive enough to do either, so hubs files for guardianship. The elder law atty needs to be one that also does guardianships. It will have costs, but once it’s awarded to hubs he can use moms $ to pay for the costs that y’all will have to front. Guardianship trumps any POA, so hubs will be able to do whatevers for mom, her assets, where she lives, etc w/out Sissy’s interference
It sounds like his folks have a home that is now sitting there empty? Is that it? Are you able to secure the house?
So when FIL died, did he have a will? And is anything happening to open probate related to his death? Any idea if in the will if Sissy is named Executor? If you know this is the case, IMO you need to move fast to get with an elder law atty as he may need to challenge Sissy getting independent administration on FILs estate. Like maybe she stays executor cause it is what FIL intended as per his will but it’s gets done as a dependent administration, so it’s court supervised which means anything she might do to sell or liquidate assets needs to be cleared by the court and mom (or you as her POA or guardian) need to be made aware any asset liquidation or distribution beforehand.
Is Sissy a big personality? Is it that hubs has always tended to defer to Sissy? S MIL scared of the wrath of her daughter? You know your hubs family dynamics best. If so, your atty will be pretty priceless for you as he can take the lead in dealing with Sissy and removes hubs from the emotion of dealing with her. Good luck and let us know how it goes, ok.
Eg Acceptance of the effects of parental mental illness:
may be delt with forgiving compassion by one sibling, denial by another or lifelong struggles with trust for another.
Especially as there *must* be more to this than meets the eye.
Your SIL, as POA, can make decisions for her mother. But she cannot make decisions for your husband and yourself - she cannot decide that you are it when it comes to your MIL's care. Which makes this whole situation scandalous bullswotsit!!!
First things first though - what's your MIL's state of mind? Is she capable of figuring out and expressing a practical preference about what she would like to do?
Yup! Both my SILs have needed to get that life lesson spelled out. One volunteered her own time plus attempting to roster her sibs +me (cries of it has to be fair...). The other just tried to roster everyone but her!
I found that the Man (trained up to be bossed by sisters) responded like a lion when asked "is Sis your Boss now? Are you her employee? Actually, unpaid employee?" 😉
Boundaries.
You say that you are the ones who have watched your inlaws deteriorate for years, why was nobody looking at the long game and planning for the inevitable need for a higher level of care at some point?
MIL needed 24/7 care and you stepped up, kudos to you for your compassion and care. I never tried to guilt my sister into providing any hands on care for my mother because I knew that was not her forte; she couldn't, she wouldn't, and if left up to her my mom would have been in a nursing home 5 years earlier. Nonetheless she was free to visit and interact with both of us in the same way she always had without the stress of veiled hints and overt or passive aggressive accusations because I owned my decision, I knew if it became too much the fault was not hers. Yes, covid has been a consideration over the past year but as others have already pointed out it does not need to figure into your future now that vaccines are widely available. Stop nursing your grievances and start planning the next step, it's time.
The OP is where she is; now is the time to work on a solution to the problem, not try and play the blame game. Especially since it's her and hubby's lives that are being the most disrupted.
Maybe your husband and his sister need to sit down TOGETHER to figure this out...I get you're angry about the circumstances, and you have every right to be, but many of your responses seem to have the continuing theme that you think SIL is the solely responsible party. Has it always been this acrimonious between you and your husband and his sister? Has his attitude about taking care of mom been one of "you're the daughter, mom is your responsibility" - especially since you say he is "uncomfortable" with toileting issues...I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but to drop mom off on the doorstep with a bag of ill-fitting clothing sounds rather extreme - like an "I've reached the end of my rope" extreme. Did you and husband think MIL was automatically going to become SIL responsibility once FIL passed, because she is the POA? Being a POA doesn't automatically make you the full-time hands on caregiver, nor should that be the assumption made when someone agrees to POA responsibility!
I agree with the previous posters that, if you and hubby are willing to step into the primary caregiver role, then your husband should be the POA. But that very well might be a moot point, if your MIL has advanced beyond the ability to change the POA. If you truly want to resolve this, I strongly suggest hubby put aside the rancor with your SIL, and work with her to find caregiving arrangements that everyone can live with.
Good luck.
My YB and I were both appointed POAs. At no time did he EVER take any responsibility or even question anything I did to manage her finances and care. NEVER. We were also both appointed executors for the will. The bulk of assets were in a trust, no need for a will, but several checks came in, like the facility deposit plus interest, the 2nd stimulus, and TBD the remainder of the 1st stimulus they cut as they used the previous year tax return. He was asked to decline and did so WILLINGLY - the only quick turnaround ever!!! I've managed everything for the last 6 years, despite trying to include both brothers in decisions.
Dropping her off at your doorstep wasn't a very nice thing to do, both for you AND MIL. No idea what the relationship between them was, but why was SIL involved? Did she take MIL in when FIL passed? If she didn't want to provide care or couldn't, she should've at least discussed it with her brother first. From what you've said, you and hubby were providing care (with some hired help too?) prior to FIL passing. Perhaps she felt that should continue? As far as expecting SIL to take up any slack, don't hold your breath. It is what it is, so unless husband can work with his sister, he needs to make decisions for his mother going forward. Since you indicate her dementia is fairly progressed, I would consult with EC atty to see if there's anything that can be done to negate her POA. Perhaps if asked she would willingly revoke it herself (in writing!) That would eliminate any need to consult with her about assets/income or any other decision about MIL's care.
IF mom's only income is SS, he can apply to be Rep Payee (legally this is the ONLY way one is supposed to manage someone else's SS funds.) Also, if her husband's SS was more than hers, she might be entitled to more. If he becomes Rep Payee, SIL would have no access to MIL's income.
If this is her only income and there are no assets (such as bank accounts, house, etc.), then she might qualify for Medicaid. Depending on her needs AND income AND state rules, that could be facility care or some (limited) in home care. Medicare might cover up to 5 days of respite care IF the person is on hospice. Could she be approved for hospice care? Given your description, she might qualify - talk with her doctor. They also provide supplies and necessary medical equipment at no charge as well as some help like bathing and support for the family.
Is there a house or just an apartment? If house, it could be sold to ensure funds for MILs care, either by hiring help or seeking a facility for her. Another good reason to see an EC atty. If apartment, can you either move what items you'd like her to have to your place or storage until residence is decided?
"...I think she should pay for the respite." "...has the responsibility to step up with help or financially until things are settled. This should not fall on my husband an myself only."
NOTE: POA does NOT put any financial or care responsibility on the person/people appointed. It shouldn't fall on you & your husband, but it isn't her "responsibility" and you can't force her to pay. If MIL doesn't have enough income, it would be nice if children could/would chip in but it isn't required.
If not, would SIL be willing to work with brother for resolution of what to do with mom other than being in your or SIL's home?
Does MIL have resources for a MC facility? If not, will cause more work, but get MIL enrolled in medicaid and find a facility with medicaid beds which can be a challenge.
If husband has access to mom's finances, then hire more help (as much as she can afford) using mom's money until you can get mom's future determined. You can't keep going like this and "this" is guaranteed to get much worse.
Prayer that you all may be able to resolve this peacefully.
In this situation where there's little to no money as the poster said, getting the SIL to turn over POA probably won't be a problem.
The MIL might very well be eligible for Medicaid. She might even be on it already. The daughter refuses to be the caregiver and won't have her living in her house. The poster and her husband are already getting resentful about not getting help from the SIL and not being able to go on vacation and have weeks off.
The most likely explanation for what's going in here is that no one wants the full burden of taking responsibility for her and having her live with them. It's okay and none should judge them. Guilt and conditioning are making the decisions. Not honesty and reason.
I say it all the time that every caregiving situation has to be done on the caregiver's terms and no one else's. Otherwise it always fails miserably. When someone becomes the convenient choice or the designated caregiver, anger and resentment start showing up early.
The best bet for everyone involved is this situation is to put the woman in a nursing home or an assisted living facility.