Hi, I am looking after my dad shared with my niece and her dad ( my brother in law) my sister died last year and was so good to my dad doing everything for him. I think he is dissapointed now that he is not getting the same level of care. We have a brother who lives many miles away who my dad idolizes but who does absolutely nothing for him . We cant say a word against him and his sons even though they make no attempt to contact him and would not have any ideas about his health issues. My dad is a very anti-social person who hardly talks to anyone except us and expects us all to run around after him even though he would deny this. The problem I have is that I am finding it hard to look after him given the selfish way that I have been treated growing up. The house was emotionally unstable with my controlling and totally narcissistic mother who passed a while ago and he ( and we )dared not say a word against her or she would go ballistic. My dad has some money and is very mean/frugal with every penny. We are always bringing him nice things but this is a total one way street and never reciprocated. However in his will he leaves a third of his money to his son that has nothing to do with him. ( he is totally entitled to do this but its the emotional pain of helping this selfish guy all the time and getting the same as my brother who does nothing and is oblivious) Can anyone help me deal with my feeling and give me some solid coping strategies. I would really appreciate any help Thanks all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
If it were me, I would do the basic necessities for Dad. Make sure he is clean, fed and safe. At this point, bringing him nice things may be more for your satisfaction than his. Stop. If he specifically requests something, get it for him, but don't shower him with unappreciated gifts. My son got my mom a beautiful flower bouquet once and she spent days complaining about it to me. She tried to give it away to everyone in her apartment complex and finally I saw it in the lobby when I came to visit. I told him to never send Nana flowers again. I was so hurt and angry I was physically ill. That was it. I took care of Mom, took her shopping and when she went into a facility, took over her finances and handled everything for her. She maintained until she died that moving her to a facility was something I did to her and not for her. I finally made a certain peace with myself. I did it by providing the basics and not blaming myself for her complaints and attitudes. If she directly asked for something, I got it for her but any special little things I did for her were not really appreciated so I didn't torture myself. I had to be a little selfish too.
This would grate on me, too. A LOT. Stop doing for him. Or demand payment for caregiving. What would it cost for in-home help to do for him what you and your niece and her father are doing for him?
I have NO patience for elders who take advantage of one (or some) sibs, let golden children totally off the hook and yet split the estate/trust equally.
The decide if you really want or need this thankless "job".
I work full time out of need! I spend one of my two days off with him always ending with taking him out for a nice dinner somewhere. I live one hours drive away. I often get days off work to take him for an appointment or something. So its not like I am there everyday cooking meals or anything
but we make sure he has loads of healthy food in which is easy to prepare.
He would quite happily let us pay for it and we have done in the past even though he has plenty of money although my niece and brother in law now quite rightly make sure he pays what he owes.
He is incredibly anti social and relies on us all to talk to him in person or on phone as he does not have one single friend and I can never actually remember him having one.
Thanks to you guys I am feeling so much more confident in drawing up and enacting boundaries, hopefully without too much guilt.
I cant tell you how much venting here has helped me. x
UGH totally agree. And yet here we are. Sickening and abusive in a very covert manner. Add to it that said caregivers are often bashed by siblings.
I think it is so important too read the boards for a reality check to understand that you are not alone and this is sadly common. Validating your pain is important.
The other part is, once you recognize you have company, is there a way to step back and detach from the situation and observe rather than absorb the assault on your good will? Changing perspective has helped me manage until I am able to exit or they pass on.