Help- My poor decision to have MIL live with us is killing our marriage.

Kandula9999, if Mom-in-law is mobile, if she is still sharp, then she can do her own laundry and her own dishes.

Time for your wife to stop enabling her Mom. Wife needs to practice saying "i can't possible do that" over and over in front of a mirror until she is comfortable with that sentence. Or "not today, Mom, maybe tomorrow or this weekend".

As for groceries, who is buying the donuts, candy, and soda pop? Again, your wife shouldn't be enabling her Mother. If her Mom wants that stuff, then she should go with your wife grocery shopping, use her own grocery cart, and her own money to pay for the things she need. She needs to put laundry detergent on her list. I assume Mom-in-law gets social security and maybe alimony?

Does your wife clean your Mom-in-law's area of the house? Vacuuming, dusting, emptying trash cans, cleaning the bathroom? If yes, time to back off of doing some of those chores. If your daughter is old enough to help, make a deal with Mom-in-law that she pays grand-daughter to vacuum and dust. If Mom-in-law balks at that, well get her her own vacuum and some swifter dust cloths.

Do you think your wife knows how you're feeling?

Do you think you know how she is feeling?

You need to talk. To each other, to begin with, might be difficult.

Which reminds me - I'm so glad you came here! Here you can safely vent and get any problems large or small off your chest - nobody is going to think badly of it.

So, back to talking... Does your wife have moral or emotional support from friends or other caregivers?

First guess - neither you nor your wife knows what to do; your wife is chasing her tail looking after MIL at least partly so that there'll be less conflict and you'll notice less that she's there at all; one or the other of you is going to break.

To repeat - good move to come here!

What would you like to happen next?

why not just kick her out. To me, this type of personality will not change.

Your wife's enabling behavior makes me wonder what is she trying to earn from her mother? approval? love? I think it would help greatly if you and your wife sought out a marriage and family therapist to help you two sort things out.

Y'll are sure paying a high price for having bought the family home just to give MIL some money in her old age. She likely still views the house, emotionally, as hers and your wife as her little girl once again.

I suspect neither OP nor wife knows that he or she is safe to admit to the other that this is not going well. Who'd want to be the first to say "screw mother. In spite of everything we've tried this is not working."?

First thing to do first is find out what else is available. Having a positive choice to offer as an alternative might make all the difference to the conversation.

This dynamic is destroying your marriage, and family life.

Have you calmly discussed with your wife what you feel? Is she trying just so hard to be the "not crazy" kid that she has lost sight of what's real and important.

Your MIL's poor decision making is not YOUR problem to fix.

How old is MIL? Is she able to drive, to work, to function? Or is she content to live off you and your wife?

My DH wanted to move his sick father in with us. I said "He can live here, you have to be his primary caregiver". It didn't happen, of course, b/c we were not in agreement on this. I did do a lot for his dad!! But not in my home, in his.

You may need a mediator to sit down with you and your wife and hash this out. Sounds like of the 4 people living in your house, only 1 is happy.

What is YOUR relationship like with your MIL? If you can talk to her, do so. But sounds like she does what she wants, and lets the chips fall.

Good Luck---don't let her guilt you in to a situation that is unlivable.

I have read your answers and your questions... and just reading them helps me see with some introspect the issues that I am creating. I think I am making a lot of assumptions and creating part of the issues... "I think" only my opinion that she is able bodied.. "I think " that all of her ailments are self inflicted or imagined. But I am not a doctor. The reason I think this is because if I ate, drank and slept and did nothing all day... I would feel horrible too. But perhaps she really is ill and the doctors are not finding it.

I have a very poor relationship with her... I work almost non stop because that is the way I was raised. Our poor relationship is because I do not agree with the way she leads her life. Again, "my opinion" is that she would rather curse the darkness than light a candle. Why change when she is so used to complaining about things and that is now her life. Just because I am not that way, then all I am is judging.. and I shouldn't be that way.

My opinion is.. that she should be doing laundry, cooking meals, cleaning mostly because she is at home all day and able bodied.. instead of my wife coming home after 8 hour day and then having to do it. But if she "really" is ill... then I am being an a$$.

ultimately.. I have not done what I need to do for my wife.. and that is support her. Be there for her. take care of her... and be responsible for my marriage and relationship to her and our family. I have done the same as what her mother is doing and that is.. dumping the responsibility on her for making the changes. I think I need to be her partner.. hold her.. help her... be there to work with her to support her decision making and not be such a judgmental a$$. Regardless of my dislike for MIL life choices we have made.. and I have made.. the decision to care for her in her later years. That decision comes with high responsibility and high cost... I can't allow one of the costs to be my sanity or my marriage. I love my wife. I need to support her. We have been together for 28 years and I can't allow this to continue coming between us.

Nowhere have you told us how your wife feels about this change to your home life. I agree that the two of you need intervention and to see a therapist about this issue. And you need to be a team and get on the same page or you may very well have a marital issue.
Whenever we become a caregiver whether it’s in one's own home or not, life as you knew it will never be the same. It will definitely bring a level of stress. Add to it a toxic personality and dysfunction in a family relationship and you have even more problems.
You can not expect an elderly person to suddenly get a work ethic just because she witnesses yours. It’s time to lose the surprise that she didn’t change. She won’t. So accepting her as she is is the first step. Setting boundaries is incredibly important. But it sounds to me from what you’ve written, your wife may not know how or know that she has the right to set them. She is definitely enabling her mom.  You are also teaching your daughter that this is how "boundaries" are not set. Hope that makes sense.
As Dr. Phil says..."whose home is this?"...and "you teach people how to treat you". This is where a therapist can help sort out what is going on and to help in getting you two as a team, sorting out the issues, and learning healthy boundaries. And hopefully how to get your MIL, who so far can make her own decisions, in a place where she can be on her own. You deserve to have your life, marriage and home back. 
There is hope...but only if you take steps.  Your MIL is not in charge, you two are. But get outside help on this. 

It is great you want to support her but make sure you realize the difference between support and helping enabling which is not same as supporting

Kandula if it helps at all I think your MIL sounds absolutely ghastly. She also sounds as if she's got your wife thoroughly, stickily enmeshed; and as though she herself is in a terrible downward spiral.

Your wife is a lucky lady to have a husband who is so committed to her happiness. Disentangling yourselves from MIL will be difficult and painstaking work but I wish you every eventual success with it - and may it be to the ultimate benefit of you all, including MIL.

Im so sorry its going badly. You and your wife need to borrow a page from recovery wisdom, and first, give yourselves permission to admit that the arrangement "as is" isnt working for you. If you feel resentful and crowded, i imagine your wife feels overwhelmed and overloaded and feels she needs to try to run interference between you and her mother. Then you need to vow to be firmly on each other's team and solve the problem together, rather than let the problem tear you apart.

The next step is to make a list of what you can and cannot change. Unfortunately, "other people" fall squarely in the "cannot change" column. So you are unlikely to perform a successful personality or lifestyle transplant on your MIL (believe me, I have tried with mine, also uncomfortably in residence with us!).

What you CAN, and desperately need to, change are your boundaries. Like you, I thrive on privacy, modesty, order, and personal responsibility, none of which are in my MIL's vocabulary. I have to live also with her insistence on living on diet soda, snack cakes, salt, sugar, and DQ Blizzards, her refusal to take her meds appropriately, and the constant barrage of complaints about not feeling well. I DON'T have to indulge her hypochondria by taking her to the hospital every five minutes. We have set very firm boundaries with her. Her bedroom is hers to keep as she wishes. She is welcome to join us in the rest if the house but when we go to bed the TV goes off and she retires to her room. Our situation is complicated by by the fact that we live in an old farmhouse with an odd layout. She has to walk through our bedroom to get to hers, and the only bathroom accessible to her and my husband is also in our bedroom. (Im the only one here who can climb the stairs, lucky for me I have an aerie to which I can retreat!).
She is nosy and disguises her snooping as "cleaning". She can clean her room till the cows come home but the rest of the house is mine. (It was hers for 60 years, so this took some doing). She can not take pictures off the walls, go through the drawers, or inflict frilly curtains in odd colors on me while Im at work. If she wants food besides what I prepare, she makes a list, I shop for it (she no longer drives) and she pays for it. That includes her heavily scented laundry soap Im allergic to. She does her own wash. I keep her meds under lock and key (after an addiction/abuse seige) and administer them as directed. I make her appointments and take her to them. When she tries to monopolize conversations with gossip and slander, we leave the room. I spend a lot of time in the barn.....

You get the idea. Its not a perfect arrangement, but establishing boundaries has at least prevented homicide!
The establishing of the boundaries is difficult and requires firm commitment and resolve, and stout refusal to engage with manipulation or emotional blackmail, but once you get them set, life gets better. It also helps to come here and unload every once in a while!

Looks to me like you are taking all the blame for what has become an intollerable situation, regardless of trying to not see what is going on here , every time the MIL does something or does not do something that is already getting you down, nothing is going to make you feel any different than you do now, saying "Oh what a horrible person I am for even thinking this way" is not going to change the MIL in to not rubbing you up the wrong way, I can see the time when you are going to have say, "Me or your mother".

Been there, I told my husband it is your mother or me. She was just evil and she only lived with us for 6 months. But she overtook our home and disrupted everything and I was her only caregiver after her own daughter almost killed her from neglect. Gladly he listened and we found her a nice assisted living place. But mind you we still had tons of problems, calls from the place all the time. Her constant calling demanding this and that. It never ends. And she is still alive yet has toned done quite a bit with age.
Find your mother in law a place to live either independently nearby or in assisted living. It is always ONLY one child that steps up and that is wrong. But I this case maybe the other three fall closer to the tree so they are like the Mom.
Talk to your wife and explain your unhappiness. It is your Life you know and you are not happy. Tell her it is her Mom or you. She married you and should work on her marriage not her Mom's happiness. Seems you both have made major sacrifices and this women is an ingrate. Find her somewhere else to live. Or risk a divorce.
Or you can tell your mother in law to shape up, which at her age which you did not state probably won't be happening.
If you can do neither of these things go see a Professional and get yourself help and that might give you the courage to talk with your wife about how you feel. If things don't change I don't see a happy future for you and your wife and daughter. Your daughter is also being affected.

The day my MIL moved in was the beginning of the end of my marriage. No more sex, forget about intimacy = all gone. Divorced now. She is dead and we are both miserable.

It's time for a new plan. Perhaps you and your wife can devise one alone, or perhaps you need to get a family counselor for guidance. Your daughter needs to be involved in this discussion as it affects her also. As others have suggested, all of your MIL's domestic chores need to be shifted to her--she's clearly well enough to do what she wants to do. She simply must get dressed every day. Staying in her pjs is part of what's giving her permission to loaf. Maybe she gets to do that on Sunday, but not every day. In addition, she needs to make some contribution to family work. Insist she cook one meal a week. (Or ask her what contribution she wants to make on a regular basis--maybe she'd rather vacuum the living area daily.) Putting some structure into her day might be a good thing. One new rule might be that she cannot turn on any television except the one in her room. She needs to understand that this is your home, and harmony needs to be restored for all occupants. I suggest you, wife and daughter strategize and have a written plan, before you sit down with MIL. It needs to be very specific as to MIL's obligations. Then the four of you need scheduled weekly meeting to assess how things are going. Frankly, I don't think they'll go well. Clearly, her sense of entitlement is a life-long expectation. While you're trying to affect these changes, as someone else also suggested, start exploring other housing options. I don't see this as sustainable and your family life is more important than her selfish demands. All of your loving efforts to support your wife include protecting her from herself and her misguided efforts to make this woman a different kind of mother. Most importantly, set a deadline for yourselves. If this has not dramatically improved in four months, MIL moves out. And she needs to know that date and that you are serious. It will be pretty awful, but it will be done.

I would be miserable too if I was in your situation. There might be a reason why she was divorced so many times.
I agree with the others that the enabling has to stop. You need to reclaim your house. You and your wife need to set some new boundaries and guidelines for your MIL and stick to them. It’s sad that the other siblings won’t step up perhaps she could stay with one of them occasionally to give you a break.
Maybe your MIL was never happy so she doesn’t want to see you happy either.

You and your wife need to discuss and then establish some better boundaries. A part of that will probably be getting MIL out of your home/personal space. Some people are not meant to share a home. My mom lives with me and that works well but I would never consider moving my dad in with me because his uncooperative dementia impacted personality would turn my home into a war zone. Is a "granny pod" an option? A nearby apartment or small rental house? That would keep MIL close so your wife can easily check on her but out of your home so you're not exposed to MIL's irritating living choices on a daily basis.

Your wife needs to ask MIL's doctor some questions during MIL's next appointment about what normal life functions MIL may need help performing. If MIL has reasonable mobility, she can most likely take care of personal needs and light housekeeping duties. Your wife needs to allow her mother to do for herself as much as she is able and focus on helping her do things for herself instead of just doing them for her. It might work out better to have a house cleaning service do the major cleaning tasks.

Supporting your wife can include encouraging her to set boundaries with her mother and prioritizing your marriage and daughter. Tell your wife the current arrangement isn't working for you in part because you are really concerned about the stress it is causing her. Ask how she feels, make it "safe" for her to vent with you, discuss how the two of you could manage the situation (meet MIL's needs) if MIL moves into her own space. Talk a lot without pushing for immediate decisions. Get on her team instead of making her feel that she's in the middle between MIL and you. You've been together for 28 years, the two of you can find a solution that works for your family.

She could be in early stages of dementia, several things here sound like what my parents are going through—not sleeping at the normal times, only wanting to eat sweet foods, too much television, wearing same clothes all the time. If she is diagnosed with a form of dementia then it is easier to see these as medical issues, and s shift in perspective may help your family figure out how to help her and yourselves. It is for certain not easy.

Kudos for tying to support your wife and daughter, however you are now blaming yourself afraid that she may be actually sick? Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t. But regardless, I think if MIL can dress herself in pjs, she can dress herself in regular clothes. If she can walk around the house from TV to TV without aid of a cane or walker, she can run a broom or vacuum. If she can groom herself by sitting in a tub or standing long enough to shower, she can run a clothes washer or load a dishwasher. I wouldn’t ask her to cook, because who knows if it would be edible, but these other chores are relatively easy. And logically based on her current level of activity she should be able to accomplish them, if new rules are put in place by both of you. And a good mom, (or actually any person living in your house) should “want” to contribute to help her daughter. Maybe reversing the guilt a bit might make an impression. Who knows.

I'd be miserable too. The mil needs to move out. Your wife should be the one to tell her and it could be presented as a move for the better for the mil. There will still be problems but at least you'll have your privacy back and preserve your marriage and your daughter's emotional health.

Please don’t blame yourself for this situation, I can see you want to support your wife but you both desperately need a new plan for MIL or this will only get worse. Sadly, your wife has taught her mother to treat her poorly, to use her while acting helpless. Neither of you is going to change MIL one bit, you can only change your responses to her and what you’re willing to do and not do for her. Like many have said you and wife desperately need firm boundaries or eventually you’ll have no marriage left. I wish you the best as you work with your wife to change this rotten situation

Sorry! You made a mistake. Welcome to the human race.

You sound like a very good person. Help your wife; help yourself. Take time off for good behavior! Go out on a date!

I feel for you - like the others said, establish boundaries and have MIL do her own stuff and support her but not enable her.

My ILs live with us 6 months of the year....I made the mistake of enabling and it consumed me.....they are good people but they took me for granted and assumed I would wait on them and I would get tense all the time....so now I just help when necessary and I go out of the house as much as I can.

Good luck and you will find great support here.

Your situation needs attention and assistance from a licensed professional. You are mired in a nightmare, experiencing anger, guilt, sadness, and frustration - all of which are surely affecting your health, and your ability to be objective. Start with a heart-to-heart conversation with your wife (with a professional counselor, if you feel more comfortable that way). A couple of options to consider: an objective party intervention with MIL, you, wife, daughter; therapy for you and wife (Emotionally-Focused therapy is often recommended for couples needing to reconnect). Continue catharting via this forum as the comments seem to be thoughtful, intelligent, and understanding of your perspective. This should at the very least relieve some stress for you.
I so feel for you. You are living with someone with whom you've never had a good relationship, and two other people you love dearly who are also suffering from the continuing dysfunctional atmosphere.
The suggestions for changes and creating boundaries are valid, but I'd recommend having a third party involved in instituting them with you, your wife, and daughter. My best wishes and prayers are with you.

Wonderful sharing here. I agree with others who recommend having outside professional help to assist you and your wife in sharing your feelings andplanning for what is best for everyone. You wife is lucky to have you. It takes a partnership. I have learned that it is impotant to not let an elder parent take over my life. I hope your family will be able to place mom in a community suitable for her ability, set boundaries, and heal your own lives. Mil can be visited often, but she should not be allowed to dictate the lives of others. Your wife will need help getting over guilt...but she can start establishing some backbone by not keeping junk food and poison drinks on hand.

Good luck to you and keep us posted. I believe that proclaiming your partnership to your wife will help her deal with her complex relationship with your mil. The help from a counselor will be priceless.
Hugs.

Others here have addressed the family and living situation and given good insights. You are questioning yourself regarding MIL's health status, whether it is a case of can't or won't, so I'll add my little bit on that question.

Was she always this way? Living on sweets, watching TV constantly, sleeping all day, not caring about her appearance, lack of concern for others, not tending to cleanliness, laundry, etc? If so, then that's sad, but that's MIL.

If not, this constellation of behaviors could indicate onset of at least one type of dementia, the second most common one, but one often not diagnosed until the later stages, namely FTD or Frontotemporal Dementia. Common early signs of the behavioral variant of FTD: Craving sweets and bananas, loss of empathy, loss of insight, lack of concern for others, apathy (yes, sleeping a lot and watching TV), loss of concern for appearance (becomes lack of hygiene in later stages), sometimes hypersexuality, some become gullible and vulnerable to scammers (especially if "romance" is involved), irritability and anger issues may appear early on, loss of inhibition that becomes more pronounced over time, loss of executive function (difficulty with complex tasks, may make poor financial decisions), inertia and lack of initiative (can't seem to get started on a task easily), sometimes aimlessly rummaging through drawers or a sort of compulsive handling of objects or papers, may utter the same phrase several times a day or develop repetitive gestures. Sometimes balance and gait issues appear in the early stages, but sometimes not until later stages. Memory issues don't appear until later stages. Progression can be very slow, especially in the early stages.

It's a tricky disease, with various subtypes, variable rates of progression, and variable symptoms. Always there is brain atrophy in the frontal and/or temporal lobes of "brain shrinkage" which may or may not show up in scans in the earliest stages, but will by middle stages.

Often it is not recognized as dementia until later stages when memory problems appear (they usually do just fine on the MME in earlier stages) and then is often misdiagnosed as Alzheimer's. I don't know much about Lewy Body dementia, but believe it may follow a similar track in early stages.

Again, if MIL has gorged on sweets and slept all day and gone around in her pajamas all her life and neglected her laundry, etc., then no worries. If not, even if these changes have come on gradually, you may suspect early stages of this or some other types of dementia and might want to look into having her evaluated. It's best to be prepared and learn what is coming, as dementia is a cruel disease for all concerned. There's also the possibility she is depressed, which can be treated (unlike dementia, no cure for that).

If you suspect your MIL might indeed be in the early stages, or want to explore the possibility, the best places in the web to learn about FTD are:

The FTD Support Forum (highly recommend!) ftdsupportforum.com

UCSF site: memory.ucsf.edu/frontotemporal-dementia

AFTD site: theaftd.org

You can find the caregiver's inventory used to help diagnose this type of dementia here:
dementiakt.com.au/doms/domains/behaviour/fbi/
Scroll down to the light blue bar for the test form and manual in pdf format. If you and your wife find yourselves answering "yes" to a number of questions, you might suspect MIL may suffer from this. If not, breathe a sigh of relief. This is a horrible disease.

More on diagnostics here: memory.ucsf.edu/ftd/sites/all/files/pdf/ftd/MAC_FTD_Primer.pdf

Another thread on this here: https://www.agingcare.com/questions/mother-has-had-signs-of-dementia-for-a-year-the-doctor-diagnosed-frontaltemporal-lobe-dementia-437017.htm

I hope your MIL does not have this cruel disease. It is a very long and hard journey for all concerned. Because you were questioning, I thought I should bring it up as a possibility as her behaviors look familiar to me. My father is now in the late middle stage of FTD, behavioral variant.

All the best to you and your family.

You deserve a good life. Either MIL goes or you and your daughter go. The ball is in your court.

I really appreciate some of the conclusions you came to after hearing responses.

One thing to remember is that it is highly unlikely that ANYONE will change their ways, especially after so long. You are just as unlikely to begin sleeping all day and staying up watching movies all night as your MIL is to begin living responsibly. Although you don't agree with it, it isn't your place to judge, nor is it your MIL's place to judge what you do or don't do. With that in mind, it IS your wife's place to judge what she can and cannot do. If MIL's stuff is more than she wants to do, she needs to set some boundaries. A good way to do that is come on here and see all of the others who have been in your wife's boat to see what they have done. What has worked and what hasn't.

I would definitely speak to your wife about this. It it likely that she is feeling overwhelmed on many levels. Just talking to her and letting her know it must be hard for her to take care of everything will probably be greatly appreciated. It might be just the support she needs.

I feel for you. How old is MIL? Does she have LTC insurance? Can she get on Medicaid? ALF look like hotels ...maybe look into it? Wife has to be at point where she is fed up. You take care of yourself. I take care of my mother w dementia/Alzheimer’s & is combative. I hire private caregiver to give me respite. I would NEVER if I was married subject my husband to this kind of life. Everyone copes the way they think is best. Nobody knows how long it lasts except G-d. You’re human & can take only so much. Do you have hobbies like golf to get out of the house? Hugs to you

freqflyr is right - it's time to stop enabling MIL - Let her know that things are going to change or she is welcome to move to AL. Time for Elder Attorney and getting MIL onto Medicaid if necessary. You didn't do her a favor by buying her home, sadly, but your heart was in the right place. She will most likely have to "spend down" to be eligible for Medicaid.

But you need to get her "self-sufficient" or out of the house.