Hi all, my mom is 66. She is on hospice from several issues primarily stemming from poor self-care, smoking and drug addiction. August of 2021, they said she had 4-8 weeks left based on her lung condition and constant aspiration pneumonia. Well, it is January of 2023. She has had one extremely close call where we all went to say goodbye, Chaplin came, etc. etc. then BOOM she rallied right back. My mom is mentally ill as well and totally bedridden. Can basically only feed herself with one arm.
I am so stressed and sad and feel heavily burdened. I am her POA, etc. and have been helping/caring for her for 25 years. Yes, since I was 19 after her first suicide attempt.
My mom abused us kids horribly. Physically and mentally. My brother never has fully recovered from it emotional. It was bad. I spent thousands on therapy and can forgive her.
I am just at my wits end with the neediness and negativity. She constantly calls up to 4 times daily, loaded with complains about staff at the nursing home, how crappy she feels and wants me to come visit more. I go once a week and bring her whole list of items she wants every time.
I feel drained and like this is going on and on. I feel horrible even saying that. I just do not understand this life. She cannot or will not participate in the many activities but complains of loneliness saying i am the only thing that bring her joy. Yikes. That is just so heavy especially since I do not feel the same way.
I am her person. Someday I will WISH the phone would ring and say ‘Mom’. Today, right now though all I feel is sad, heavy, overloaded, and stressed. I needed to vent. Scary to say these things as this is public and people can be mean. SO be it. I am who I am, which is a very good daughter. A daughter who is doing this all her own whose role reversed with her mom 25 years ago.
I just wish I felt more at peace, patient and compassionate daily. Today, I just feel so sad and heavy. My husband is sick of listening and he is super ready for her to pass. He said he hates seeing me this way and she does not have any quality of life.
How do you cope? How do you not feel alone? Or do you?! I do. What do you do daily to escape that "dark cloud" feeling and guilt?? :(
You might want to try not taking her phone calls 4 times a day. Only talk to her once a day then start tapering it down to once or twice a week.
Don t fall for moms guilt trip. Only you can bring her joy - please what a load of crap from her. More like she wants to continue to suck the life out of you.
I don't know what you can do to not feel guilty other than tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Your abusive mother should be filled with guilt and remorse for what she did to you and your brother. Does she? Probably not.
My husband's father was a child abuser and to this day denies the horrific things he did to his children. Although my husband cut ties with him a few years ago i know that his death will bring the most closure for my husband. He recently had a heart attack during hip replacement surgery and we thought this was it that he would finally just die but nope he is still alive unfortunately.
You have my sympathies growing up with an abusive mother and then having cared for her since you were 19 years old.
It's very hard, I know. But I loved my husband and he was never abusive to me. I can't imagine how you're able to care for your mom who in all reality doesn't deserve your care or love.
Yet you give it, which speaks very highly of you as a person and of your character. It has to be by the grace of God that you are able to do what you're doing,
Both of my parents were very abusive(in different ways)and although I had long ago forgiven them, there is no way in hell that I could have cared for them as they aged. And I'm a Christian! You obviously are a much bigger person than I am, and I give you a lot of credit.
I would also seek out a local caregiver support group in your area as they are more helpful than you could possibly know. Mine literally saved my life when I was at my wits end while caring for my husband, and many others as well. There is something to be said for sharing with others who know exactly what you're going through and can truly empathize. And by sharing with others you don't feel so alone and that in itself is comforting.
Also keep in mind that only God knows the day and time when He will call your mother home, so hang in there, keep your boundaries, and know you're not alone.
God bless you my dear.
To be frank I would not continue in her care. I would place her with the help of the state to apply for Medicaid and I would get on with my life, visiting her as much as I chose. She can receive hospice while she is in care. But that has to be your choice.
You will likely need the help of Hospice to help you in placement; access their social worker. Tell her you cannot continue in care of your mother for your OWN well being, that you are no longer able or willing to continue in this one on one care either mentally or physically and that Mom will now require placement. I don't know if you are her POA. If so I would resign that and ask the state to take guardianship.
I recommend to you the book Never Simple, a memoir by Liz Scheier. Ask your library to order for you, or get a used copy cheap on Amazon.
I don't agree at all with your sacrifice of your life for your Mom and to be frank, she is only 66, and her body may rally. There is no fatal diagnosis that I can see here. She may have several decades of life left in this debilitated state.
If you are feeling "guilt"at this time it is a message to yourself that you need help in coming to brave new conclusions for your own life.
You did not create your mother's woes.
You are not responsible for your mother's condition nor her woes.
You cannot fix your mother.
Sacrificing your own life on her funeral pyre will change absolutely nothing but it WILL waste your one life.
Please get help. I often suggest a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice, but I think your case involves your past abuse, and your life-long training in considering trauma the norm for life. You are continuing to live out a legacy you were taught, and you learned well.
I would suggest a VERY GOOD therapist, one that will not sit and listen until your money is dried up, but who will shake you up, and set you on a path to forming healthier habitual thinking patterns. This will take great will and determination to change.
I am so terribly sorry that-- because she was so limited, so unable to be a mom--you lost out. It's tragic but it cannot be undone.
You must now MAKE A CHOICE to create the polar opposite of what you "know".
You must MAKE A CHOICE to learn new ways of living and being.
You must MAKE A CHOICE to create another family for your new life, one that is loving and supportive and sharing. You will need professional help to do that.
Again I am so sorry and I wish you the very best of luck.
You then call the Director of Nursing and tell her you only want to be contacted if there is an emergency. Please make sure staff is aware of this. (No calls in the middle of the night saying she fell out of bed) That you need a break from your mother. Her neediness is just too much at this point. Her calls will not be answered and staff should not allow her to use their phones. You will not be picking up any numbers u do not know. You are not sure how long ur going to step away.
The only way you will be able to go back to seeing Mom is setting boundries for yourself. A call once a day, you initiating it. Maybe after dinner about 7 just to check in. As soon as she starts complaining "Mom this is your life. Your choices have placed u there. You'll adjust much better if you stop complaining and join in. If you don't want to do that, OK, but I am no longer going to listen to the b***hing, then hang up.
What do you take her that the NH does not provide? She gets 3 meals a day and snacks. All her toiletries are given to her. I so hope u have permission to use her Personal Needs Acct to reimburse you for what u get for her. (I assume she is on Medicaid) There really isn't anything she can do without, right.
She needs you more than you need her. She needs to realize this. Yes, her life is lousy but that is not your fault. She needs to make the best of it. You cannot make her happy. She probably has never been happy. Your physical and mental heath trumps her problems. You owe her nothing, she owes you a lot.