I have my 91 year old mom with dementia and Parkinson's and my 90 year old dad with shortness of breath and kidney failure. Up until a month ago dad could take care of mom at night keeping her covered up. It stresses him out if he thinks she is uncovered and cold. He can't sleep good with her with her legs in the air and talking. I am at my wits end cuz dad calls me to cover her up. Neither one of us is getting much sleep. Is there some kind of cover you can buy to keep them tucked in? Any advice will be appreciated.
- Yes to separate beds.
You have told us about your mom basically pushing off her blankets and it stresses your dad out.
Is it possible that possible mom is totally comfortable while the real issue is dad?
At 90 years old he's bound to have mental decline along with his other issues.
In my previous post I reccomended that a conversation with his Doctor might be appropriate. Maybe an antianxiety(not sleep aid) might help him relax and leave mom be.
They're blessed to have you!
Hope you can get some much needed sleep!
A lot of us have been in the same boat. It is so hard.. and you are taking care of 2 older people, one who knows what's going on, and the other who has dementia and doesn't understand if the covers are on or off. Your dad is deathly afraid of losing her.. How long have they been married. Your dad is so still in love. That is wonderful. It's scary for him to think of losing her, especially on his watch. He is watching all the time. All the Time may not be good for him. He is not getting the rest he needs. And he needs to be able to sleep well at least a few nights a week.
Peanuts56 may be right, ask the doctor about sleep aids for both parents. They are in their 90's, ask about Palliative Care and Hospice. You may be able to get some kind of relief. I don't know if putting your parents in separate rooms, but separate beds with rail? This is tough...
The extreme opposite would be if your mother is too cold, to invest in an adult 'onesie'. They were all the rage in Australia a few years back. Think of the all-in-one outfits that babies wear, feet enclosed, zipper down front and down one leg for ease of changing. Could be made from a polar fleece fabric. Some also have a folding option at the wrist that can either release the hands or fold over them to keep them warm. If you are not enterprising with needle and thread I am sure a dressmaker would be able to oblige.
But your poor father. Are separate bedrooms out of the question? Does your mother need attention during the night (toileting, changing, reassuring, e.g.), or is she essentially just talking amongst herself?
I was always up with my mom in the middle of the night, shadowing her.. She had dementia, ALZ afterwards... It's hard to think about it now, even after she passed away.
I did use the polar fleece blankets, they are warm but breathe and they are light weight. (They also wash and dry fast so if they become soiled cleaning is easier.) I used the Twin Extra Long and they were perfect for this.
Today he said it slides off and takes the other covers with it.
Yup, we are in that gap where we sleep better apart... We both snore, so we tell each other.. I DO NOT SNORE ... snork snork.. :) quite loudly I have to admit.. I woke myself up a few times.
There are many options available today, I would research them out.
My daughter bought the pricier ones and have lasted through MANY washings.
Most elderly people are no longer sharing a bed. It has all to do with getting a decent night's sleep. My DH travels a lot and so he is really used to spreading out on a King Size bed and I literally have one tiny corner to call my own. AND he wakes up all night long and either turns the TV on! or turns his phone on and watches stuff or flips through FB. B/C of the dynamic of being in a King bed all alone 75% of time, he has the habits of yanking all the covers, etc.
I'd LOVE to be able to sleep next to my sweetie and actually GET a night's sleep, and sometimes I do, but it requires a sleeping pill, ear plugs an eye mask and the thinnest cotton pjs I own. And I still wind up moving rooms during the night.
I've heard good things about the "Buffy" (which has made me laugh b/c my name IS Buffy and they will give me a 25% discount for that alone!! But it's for people who are cold and they are quite expensive. Maybe I'll get one for DH who's birthday is on Valentine's Day. He, of course will be out of town.
Twin beds, or even 2 queens if the room allows it so dad can still see mom and see that she is OK. They do make sleeping bag type comforters that fit the bed and you just zip them up as much as you like. Cannot think of the name, all my grands have them. I'll come back and post the link to their site.
Before my Uncle passed I was with him and my Aunt.
My Aunt was constantly worried that my Uncle was cold and kept covering him up only to have him shove them off. My Aunt has dementia.
After reading your post, it occurs to me this was her way of trying to comfort him. I think she knew he was getting close to the end and that was the only way she could help.
It may be the same with your Dad.
It might be worth a conversation with his physician. If he's not already on antianxiety medication, maybe that's an option.
God bless!
a " onesie " it's similar to a babies baby grow only for adults with button or poppers to allow for toileting.
My mom hated her feet or anything else tucked in! I love being snuggled up in a cocoon but mom did not. I respect that. She would tell me that she could not remove a heavy cover off of her. I put a lighter cover on her bed. She couldn’t even handle a heavy bath towel. I dried her off and I bought lighter towels just for her.
Nothing heavy! No heavy clothes or pajamas. No heavy robe. She couldn’t handle it. The sensory levels are vastly different from when they were younger. Parkinson’s disease effects so much. It’s individual to each person. I saw it on a daily basis. My mom really struggles with things that people without Parkinson’s don’t. We may not understand how it all works but we have to respect it.
I dated a guy years ago that lost his arm in a horrible accident. He used to tell me, “My arm is itching. I can feel it.” I was about 18. I had no idea how he felt. It kind of freaked me out. I said to him, “How can your arm itch? You don’t have an arm.” He assured me that he felt the itching. People feel what they feel.
This woman’s husband needs to realize that he is making her miserable. He needs to be told that she is comfortable. He means well but he needs to back off.
While I was growing up and visiting my mother's parents, I often had to sleep on a cot in my grandparents' bedroom. My grandparents didn't have dementia, but my grandmother was generally over-solicitous about so many things, and if she saw that I uncovered, she would cover me. Sometimes I would get irritated and say "no, I'm too warm so I DON'T want the blanket on!"
Her weight on top of the mattress will keep the knots in place so she will be less likely to be uncovered.
You can also buy “sheet garters” that can also be used on blankets, that will make a corner to slide under the mattress. I think I’ve seen them in Walmart.
Your dad wants it, not her. My mom would purposely live the covers only half way on her body.
I would ask her how she feels about the covers. The other thing that he may not realize is that motor skills diminish with Parkinson’s disease so my mom absolutely hated getting tangled up in covers.
Does it seem that she is cold or is it that she is making dad wake when she moves about?
You could try putting an extra comforter over him and under her so she doesn’t uncover him. I like the twin bed idea as well. You could try putting him or her in a different room altogether to see if he would sleep through. Try a few things first so when you talk to her doctor you’ll know if you want to try meds. Good luck and let us know how it works out. We learn from one another.
Maybe a room heater.
I would also be getting them twin beds so he isn't being awakened by her aerobic exercises during the night.
I would also put a white noise machine to muffle some of the noise.
I don't know how you keep an active sleeper covered, I always had to use heavier sleepwear.
Best of luck to you, honey -- you've got a big job taking care of two parents.