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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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80 years old and has been stubborn most of her life. Extremely hard to convince she needs more help. Cognitive Testing was very low with signs of depression, anxiety, paranoia and grief.
If your mother has dementia, she is beyond the realm of "rational thought" as in "oh, my daughter can't do all this for me, I need to be more considerate of her time constraints and health".
Mentally, she has become ego centric and only concerned with what she wants.
Therefore, you need to say "no, Mom, I can't possibly do that". You can't convince her. She is not going to agree. You just have to say "no".
Boundaries. If there is dementia involved, and there may very well be, forget about convincing or reasoning with her. You need to set boundaries with her. What are you willing and able to do? Many people do not like extra people in their homes, much less so strangers.
You could try telling her YOU NEED the help and time for yourself and get the help, and leave it at that. The help is not for her it is for you. Some have luck taking that tact.
Well, you can't 'convince' a dementia patient of anything, really, because they're way beyond the point of comprehension. Everything is about 'them', what they want, when and how they want it, and nobody else exists. My mother, for instance, wants one of the residents kicked out of her Memory Care community b/c he gets on her nerves. If I were to ask her if SHE should get kicked out of there should SHE get on someone else's nerves, she would say no, or the question would fly right over her head.
Some people have to go through the school of hard knocks before they understand they need more help. Or a walker. Or a wheelchair. Or a visit to the doctor. Or or or.
Your mother may have to hurt herself and take a trip to the hospital & then go to rehab where they will refuse to release her back to independent living in order to 'understand' or to accept the fact that she is now disabled. At that point, you will have to make alternate arrangements for her care; ie: Assisted Living/Skilled Nursing/In home care-givers, etc.
In the meantime, she'll go about her merry way feeling like she needs nobody's help for anything until a crisis happens. That's what happened with my father, and I had to place both of them in Assisted Living.
I so get it now why my Mom doesn’t ask how I am, or about her grandchildren, and why all her answers/comments revolve around her. Your last paragraph is sooo descriptive, too - she goes about her merry way, taking NO suggestions or help, until it’s crises time.
I also think telling her that it is you that needs help might work. But if she is paranoid that might be more difficult. Is there an Adult Day Care that she could participate in? This would give you a break, her a break. A "friend" (aka caregiver) could be introduced and the friend could stay with her while you are working. This way she will not be alone and if she is alright alone now in a month, or more, or less she might not be. Ya just never know. I think introducing the caregiver as a friend might make it easier for her to accept
I have the same. 79-yo Mom doesn’t think she needs help, but last hospital visit neuro/psych drs say she is just short of incompetent. Sent home with home nursing/PT/OT which is almost finished. Still doesn’t think she needs help, even to have something called Telehealth, where she is set up at home with daily monitoring. She’s not interested because she thinks after home care is completed, she can go back to normal.
I feel for you, me and all caregivers who care for dementia sufferers AND who have been stubborn all their lives.
Do you mean her cognitive testing is very low, meaning that she has dementia? Is she at risk of harm due to not having proper supervision for her medication, food preparation, hygiene, etc.? If so, I'd not continue trying to convince her. Often, seniors are not able to process the information, see things clearly, etc. I'd either just do it, if you have the authority, or if you don't have DPOA or Healthcare POA, seek a consult with an Elder Law attorney about what evidence you need, the process, etc. At least you'll know what evidence you need and to go about it. If she's not there yet, at least you'll be able to say that you tried. It might help to get her help with doctors for all the mental health issues. They may be able to prescribe help. Is her doctor aware of exactly what her needs are, if you didn't step in? If she can't take care of herself and her household, then, someone should be able to intervene, although, she may never see it that way.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Mentally, she has become ego centric and only concerned with what she wants.
Therefore, you need to say "no, Mom, I can't possibly do that". You can't convince her. She is not going to agree. You just have to say "no".
You could try telling her YOU NEED the help and time for yourself and get the help, and leave it at that. The help is not for her it is for you. Some have luck taking that tact.
Some people have to go through the school of hard knocks before they understand they need more help. Or a walker. Or a wheelchair. Or a visit to the doctor. Or or or.
Your mother may have to hurt herself and take a trip to the hospital & then go to rehab where they will refuse to release her back to independent living in order to 'understand' or to accept the fact that she is now disabled. At that point, you will have to make alternate arrangements for her care; ie: Assisted Living/Skilled Nursing/In home care-givers, etc.
In the meantime, she'll go about her merry way feeling like she needs nobody's help for anything until a crisis happens. That's what happened with my father, and I had to place both of them in Assisted Living.
Good luck!
But if she is paranoid that might be more difficult.
Is there an Adult Day Care that she could participate in? This would give you a break, her a break.
A "friend" (aka caregiver) could be introduced and the friend could stay with her while you are working. This way she will not be alone and if she is alright alone now in a month, or more, or less she might not be. Ya just never know.
I think introducing the caregiver as a friend might make it easier for her to accept
Telehealth, where she is set up at home with daily monitoring. She’s not interested because she thinks after home care is completed, she can go back to normal.
I feel for you, me and all caregivers who care for dementia sufferers AND who have been stubborn all their lives.