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Obviously you know how to file for divorce; you call an attorney & you file the paperwork. I get the feeling you're asking a different kind of 'how' question here............kind of like 'how can I BRING myself TO divorce my husband of 40+ years' after he's become abusive due to a stroke? If so, I think you have to realize that you're not saying you don't love him anymore & that's why you're filing for divorce, but that you cannot live with the abuse you're being given by him anymore. That's a very different matter, and one you should not HAVE to live with or subject yourself to, stroke or no stroke. It's like forcing yourself to live with a demented elder who's become physically violent because you feel like, somehow, it's 'not his fault' even though he's using you as a punching bag. That person needs to be placed in a Memory Care facility and it sounds like your DH needs to be placed in a similar facility, perhaps a Skilled Nursing Facility where he can be cared for without abusing YOU anymore. Would that be another option so you don't have to divorce him but could go on with your life, free from abuse?
Whatever you decide to do, please DO get out of this abusive situation, one way or another. Nobody should live with abuse, even if the person who's acting out is ill and has no control over his violent behavior. It's still not okay.
Almost all states are no fault divorce. That is to say you are free to file for divorce for any reason, including irreconcilable differences, any time you wish to file. You likely should not leave your home. You should file and request divorce with division of assets. It is up to other family to care for your husband when you are no longer married to him, and his half of the assets can go to his care. You do not need to be his POA or his conservator. The State can take charge of filing for conservancy or guardianship if he needs care and is incompetent to do so himself, and other family doesn't wish to step forward.
You were given some straight up answers. If that is enough for you and it certainly could be then you have your answers. I could be very wrong but I have the sense that this is more difficult for you since a stroke is involved. Otherwise you had 40 years to leave yet you didn't. I am not faulting you. I realize it can be frightening to leave a situation that is set in ways possibly finding some small points of hope when they might exist.
It is rare for behaviors to improve after a stroke. I have seen how my mother's personality changed and continues to as her health has spiraled downhill. I found her odd before. Now she is just blank. I never thought I might long to see who she was once more.
I hope you can extricate yourself. You don't deserve to continue to be mistreated. You don't give much information so I find it hard to offer more and I am certainly not one here on this site with the most information for a situation. I just hope you can love yourself and find some plan for your husband while freeing yourself.
You may want to weigh your options first. Do you think he is ready for LTC? If so, Medicaid will allow you to split your assets with his half going towards his care and when its gone you can then apply for Medicaid. You remain in the home, get a car and get enough monthly income to pay bills, taxes, etc. Just giving u the basics here.
Or, maybe you husbands always been abusive but its worse now so divorce is the best thing. Marriage was never that great. Or, you just can't take it, which is OK. We all do what we need to do to cut those ties.
I would see a lawyer to help work out the best way to go.
I was married for 36 years in a similar situation. He is not going to get any nicer. Age and infirmity only increase the abusive behaviors.
You have a right to a happy life where you will be treated well. It doesn't matter how long you have been putting up with his abuse, you have the right to leave an abusive spouse. Are you staying because you feel guilty or stuck? Would he take care of you if he were healthy?
You may be surprised at the support you will get. I thought everyone would hate me, instead nobody ever said I should stay with him. His doctor and social worker were very understanding.
His family may try to get you to stay because they won't want to take care of him. Their inconvenience isn't your problem.
IMPORTANT You didn't say anything about dementia, so he is capable of being in charge of his own care. My ex's social worker and psychiatrist both pointed out that I didn't need to feel guilty about getting a divorce. Your spouse doesn't need you.
Check with a lawyer. They have seen these kinds of situations before and can help you through it. Visiting a lawyer doesn't commit you to anything. My lawyer requires all clients to get counseling during the divorce process and it really does help.
After 36 years, I'm divorced now and I feel like my life is just beginning. I look 10 years younger and I feel healthier. I even feel taller and I wake up happy. Even with pandemic isolation, it's better than feeling trapped with an abusive spouse.
Whatever you decide (stay or go) I wish you the best in life.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Whatever you decide to do, please DO get out of this abusive situation, one way or another. Nobody should live with abuse, even if the person who's acting out is ill and has no control over his violent behavior. It's still not okay.
Good luck!
It is rare for behaviors to improve after a stroke. I have seen how my mother's personality changed and continues to as her health has spiraled downhill. I found her odd before. Now she is just blank. I never thought I might long to see who she was once more.
I hope you can extricate yourself. You don't deserve to continue to be mistreated. You don't give much information so I find it hard to offer more and I am certainly not one here on this site with the most information for a situation. I just hope you can love yourself and find some plan for your husband while freeing yourself.
Or, maybe you husbands always been abusive but its worse now so divorce is the best thing. Marriage was never that great. Or, you just can't take it, which is OK. We all do what we need to do to cut those ties.
I would see a lawyer to help work out the best way to go.
You have a right to a happy life where you will be treated well. It doesn't matter how long you have been putting up with his abuse, you have the right to leave an abusive spouse. Are you staying because you feel guilty or stuck? Would he take care of you if he were healthy?
You may be surprised at the support you will get. I thought everyone would hate me, instead nobody ever said I should stay with him. His doctor and social worker were very understanding.
His family may try to get you to stay because they won't want to take care of him. Their inconvenience isn't your problem.
IMPORTANT You didn't say anything about dementia, so he is capable of being in charge of his own care. My ex's social worker and psychiatrist both pointed out that I didn't need to feel guilty about getting a divorce. Your spouse doesn't need you.
Check with a lawyer. They have seen these kinds of situations before and can help you through it. Visiting a lawyer doesn't commit you to anything. My lawyer requires all clients to get counseling during the divorce process and it really does help.
After 36 years, I'm divorced now and I feel like my life is just beginning. I look 10 years younger and I feel healthier. I even feel taller and I wake up happy. Even with pandemic isolation, it's better than feeling trapped with an abusive spouse.
Whatever you decide (stay or go) I wish you the best in life.